"I don't deserve shit!" Krey yelled in the loneliness of his bedroom. The moon was high; he had tried to sleep for hours. His mind was spinning out of control.
He paced back and forth, thinking of the time he spent with Pip. "Why did I barely speak to him, then hug him? What the fuck was that all about?" He stormed towards the window. "He probably thinks I'm a right weirdo."
Krey gripped the front of his hair and stormed back to his bed. He picked up a cushion and slammed it down repeatedly. "I'll ruin everything," he growled. "I always do."
When morning came, Krey was sitting on his windowsill after a sleepless night, showered, clothed, and flaunting his frown to the wolves training below.
His mother let herself into his room when he didn't show for breakfast. Krey rolled his eyes and didn't turn to look at her.
"Jordan's lingering down the corridor. I think you should talk."
Krey said nothing.
"Son, a pack won't run properly with conflict."
"Then get me a new Beta," he grumbled.
"Or a new Omega."
Krey turned with a frown. "What?"
Makena was in the process of tying up her long grey hair. She scowled back. "I really like Francis, but why are you spending more time with an Omega than your Beta or Delta? It's strange Krey. People are talking."
"You can't keep your nose out for one second, can you?"
"Krey!"
"You don't care about anything other than a traditional system. Who gives a fuck about who I talk to? You don't see Jordan or Sid breaking down my door to make sure I'm not throwing myself out the window, do you?"
"And Francis does?"
Krey had to be careful. Once his anger overheated, he would say anything to hurt his mother, even if he didn't mean it. "Get out." Krey turned back to the outside world. Rain splattered down the glass, bouncing off the courtyard below and swamped the grass.
"Something is going on with you. You're more off than usual." Makena stepped closer, and Krey jumped off the windowsill and away from her hands. "Tell me what's going on. Why are you and Francis going out together for runs?"
If you really cared, you would have been the one to see me watching Pip, not Francis. Krey pulled a black jumper over his head. "Mum, just leave me alone."
"I love you too much to let you destroy everything your father worked for." Makena knew that would make her son listen. The pain on his face was like tiny slices all over her heart. "Nobody was ready for you to be Alpha, but you are now, and you have to deal with it. Take the responsibility and be the wolf your father wanted you to be."
"Mum," Krey shook his head with a humourless scoff. "Do me a favour and piss off."
Makena's lip trembled before she inhaled sharply. Her brown eyes leaked all the emotion she tried to hide. "I don't want to watch your self-sabotage any longer. Please learn to love yourself again, Krey. What happened to your father wasn't your fault, and the sooner you believe that, the better."
Krey bit the inside of his lip hard enough to taste blood. As soon as the door shut behind his mother, he covered his mouth with a hand and scrunched his eyes closed. Krey pulled at the front of his hair. You cry, you're weak. You cry, you're weak. You cry, you're weak.
Krey breathed heavy and opened his eyes once the tears had gone, and the grief climbing up his throat had melted. He stared blankly across his room, building his hard exterior until he felt numb.
* * * * *
Pip wished he asked Francis if she had a number. When he sat down in the library the next day, he felt a pang of loneliness. Pip looked around at the empty tables and the rows and rows of shelves and books collecting dust.
The library was his safe place, but he enjoyed yesterday's company.
Pip puffed out some air and decided to read a book, rather than study until his brain hurt.
Pip read a few pages until he reread a paragraph three times and flopped his book onto the table. He had a bad night's sleep and thought about having a snooze on the couch. The librarians knew Pip well enough to know that he never went home because he wasn't happy there.
Pip was counting down the days until he could move out. While he was still at college, looking for another place to live was just too much. Pip wasn't earning enough to get somewhere on his own, and he wasn't confident enough to find flatmates.
The thought made him anxious, so he tried rereading his book until footsteps approached him. Pip looked up, hoping to see Francis. Brown eyes stared back. Pip didn't expect to see Krey because he had convinced himself that Krey didn't enjoy his company yesterday until he hugged Pip so tightly, Pip felt his back crack.
He followed the tall guy as he walked around the table and sat at the other end of the couch. A few feet of empty space fell between them, so Pip crossed his legs.
"Hi Krey," he said quietly.
"Hi, Pip."
They stared at each other, curiously and with words on the tips of their tongues. Neither of them said anything, and Pip fell hard into Krey's chocolate eyes. He always expected Krey to look away. He didn't and stared back just as deeply.
"Um..." Pip eventually mustered the courage to say something. Krey's eyes glanced to his mouth. Pip's stomach twisted oddly. "H-Had a good day?"
"No."
"Oh." Pip fidgeted. He desired to ask why but he didn't want Krey to think he was intruding.
After another minute or so in silence, Krey asked, "You?"
"It's been okay."
Krey pushed his thumbs together. "What did you do?"
"I went for a run this morning. Um, then I-I've just been in college."
"I run too."
"You do?" Pip turned on the couch to face him. You're just making conversation. It's not that hard. Krey's eyes looked around his face, and Pip moved his gaze to the bookshelf. "I run in the woods."
"Me too."
"It's empty, usually."
"And quiet."
"Yeah," Pip agreed with a small smile. "Apart from the birds. They're louder than my aunt when she's missed breakfast."
When Pip looked back up, Krey's face had softened. He almost seemed- amused.
"You live with your aunt?" Krey asked.
Pip nodded. "And my uncle."
"Where are your parents?" Krey shifted uneasily. Pip could see him scolding himself for not thinking before talking.
"They passed away when I was eleven." Pip's voice was as soft as ever.
"I-" Krey sighed, angry at himself. "I didn't think. I'm sorry."
Pip reached out a hand, lightly touching Krey's sleeve. Krey tensed though he didn't look uncomfortable. "It's fine, Krey. It's been a while now. I don't mind talking about them."
Krey frowned. "You don't? I haven't upset you?"
Pip shook his head to say no and took his hand back. "My parents were good people. I, um, I have great memories of them. I miss them a lot but um..." Pip shrugged. "I can't change what happened."
Krey's eyes looked through Pip like he was thinking about something that weighted his mind. Pip knew that look, the look of grief.
"You've lost someone too?"
Krey stared down to his hands. He pressed hard on the bruises on his knuckles. "My dad," he whispered. His eyes glued to his lap.
He wasn't ready to talk about it, Pip could tell. "I'm sorry too." Pip had the displeasure of watching Krey's face turn as hard as stone. He masked his pain and looked back up with no emotion.
"How are your fingers?"
Pip lifted the splinters, turning his fingers around, inspecting them. "N-Not too bad. They're healing quickly."
Krey leaned closer to look too. His hands hovered, stalled, then slowly wrapped around the splinters. He examined them with a frown. "I'm sorry I let this happen to you," he mumbled.
"I'm sorry I trespassed."
"You were running from people." Krey's deep voice pushed through Pip's chest. "Who?"
"J-Just people from college. It's nothing." Pip reached for his book on the table. He didn't want someone as cool as Krey to know that the local idiots bullied him. "I should probably go home for some food." He stuffed his work into his bag and jumped over the couch to return his book.
Krey's eyes followed him. Pip looked around for the step ladder which had been moved, as usual. He stretched up to the shelf, knowing already that he couldn't reach.
Pip was a little embarrassed as he scratched the back of his head. He heard the springs in the couch cushions ping as he tried reaching the shelf again.
A big hand took the book from Pip and put it on the shelf. Pip had an odd feeling of déjà vu as he looked up to Krey, who now towered over him. "Thanks," he said with a sheepish smile.
Pip blushed when Krey's eyes trailed him up and down. Krey's gaze was always heavy with something strong, something that made Pip shiver. Krey's warmth radiated from him. He smelled earthy like he spent most of his time outdoors.
"I'll walk you home."
"Are you sure?" Now that they were close enough, Pip noticed the small embroidered wolf's head on his knitted jumper.
Krey nodded and closely followed Pip through the library.