Die For You - The Weeknd
THEA'S POV:
I felt like I was choking. His touch. His cologne. His warm embrace. Every aspect of him bombarded me in a single moment, leaving me senseless and at his mercy. I couldn't see, couldn't breathe. Static filled my ears and bright blinding lights flashed before me, reality falling upon me like a heavy stone. I could feel his strong arms locking me against his chest and his every plane of muscle behind me.
Short little gasps escaped my mouth as fear swarmed me like a bunch of insects. No. No, no, no, this was all wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen.
Synn grew still and reluctantly loosened his arms, his face morphing into one of concern when he saw my expression. "Thea?" he breathed, his large hands grasping my shoulders, "Baby, why are you crying?"
Tears came free falling as I shuddered. I couldn't breathe, couldn't function. All I could think about was those hands touching me: what if he'd hurt me? What if he'd grab me again? What if he'd pin me down and have his way? All comfort I'd experienced with the man dispersed within an instant, washed out of my mind by waves of terror. He was huge, he was strong, he was fast.
He was going to hurt me.
"Get away from me!"
A scream ripped through my throat and I tore out of his arms. Synn staggered back as I fell to the ground and grasped desperately at the snow, sobs racking through my body. I had to get away. I had to leave. I had to breathe.
"Thea... Thea, what's wrong? What did I do? What's wrong?" the man suddenly asked, his eyes flashing with alarm as he stood there.
"I said get away!"
He was nothing but a black blur as I scrambled back, sobbing. I twisted and turned my head, hair falling into my mouth as I cried. He'd touched me. He'd held me. Why did he do that? He looked so distressed, so hurt with his mouth twisted into a frown and his brows pinched together. But it was a lie. It was all a lie.
"Get away from me!" I shrieked. "Don't touch me!"
I shuddered and my elbows collapsed under my weight, struggling with the urge to breathe. Suddenly, my hands rushed for my throat. Why couldn't I breathe? Why couldn't I breathe? I scratched at the skin, desperate for air to enter, but it wouldn't. Lying on my back, tears poured down my cheeks and I wailed. My nails dug and tore but it did no good, my chest heaving as I kicked at the snow.
All of a sudden, Synn was on top of me. He grabbed my hands and yanked them away. Eyes widening, I tried to shove him but his grip was too strong, too gentle.
"Thea, Thea, look at me. Look at me, baby. You need to stop. You're going to hurt yourself," he pleaded. I could see the panic in his eyes. So much fear. I never thought I would see him beg. He was right above me, his large frame over mine, his necklace dangling, his hair messily falling over his face as he held my writhing wrists. I shook my head fervently, choking, gasping. I needed to breathe.
"Ge-Get off me," I croaked as fresh tears pricked my eyes. "Don't to-touch me. I can't-"
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Please!"
Realisation fell upon his features. He stared down at me, his face twisting with emotion as hair stuck to my face and I heaved for air. I begged him with my eyes and hoped he could see it.
"I'm not leaving you," he said softly, "I'm not leaving but okay, I won't touch you. I won't touch you, perdóname."
[Forgive me.]
His hands were trembling as they loosened around my wrists. As soon as he'd done so, my hands were around my throat again and I was tightly gripping it, praying for air to enter my body. Synn's jaw clenched with pain as he furled his hands into fists, battling with himself whether to reach for me again. If he wanted to, he could have held me down with ease, stopped me, even though I would beg and cry again. I was shaking, shivering, my body flashing between hot and cold.
But then he did something I thought he wouldn't do.
He removed his blazer.
With red, watery eyes, I stared at him. My throat was burning. I whimpered as our gazes met: his one of tenderness, mine one of terror.
"Take it," he murmured and presented me with the jacket. "Take it and wrap it around my hands, ¿entiendes?"
[Understand?]
Spluttering, I choked, "I can't-"
"Yes, you can. Look at me, little baby." There was an intensity about his expression as he held out his jacket. His every feature held such honesty, such tenderness that it made my whole body tremble. "If the only way to show you I'm not a threat is to be bound, I'll gladly accept it. As long as you feel safe."
I wanted to get away. I wanted to leave. But the sincerity in his blue eyes commanded me to listen.
"Take it."
Letting out a small sob, I took the jacket with one quivering hand. Like a prisoner accepting his fate with grace, Synn raised his wrists and waited for me to obey. I draped the material over his hands and he nodded.
"That's it. You're okay, mariposa," he whispered. Blinking the tears away, I inhaled a ragged breath and my fingers quivered whilst trying to tie the knot. "You're okay. You're doing so well." I hiccuped, completely focused on the task. His soft words brushed my skin like the snow still trickling from the sky. Once I'd tied the material tightly, I looked up at him with watery eyes and he hummed. "That's a good girl."
[Butterfly.]
"I'm- I'm n-not-"
"Shh, keep looking at me. You're okay now. I'm not going to hurt you, see?" He gestured to his bound hands. "You're safe, little baby. You can breathe."
I stared shakily at the man. Synn was sitting cross-legged in front of me, his sculpted body stretching through his tight, white shirt; it was the only defence he had against the snow that was now starting to pelt us, sticking to his long lashes, his soft mouth, melting upon his neck. His hair fluttered about in the wind. Parts of his shirt were becoming transparent as the snowflakes vanished and left wet patches, revealing firm planes of tattooed muscle beneath the thin material. The image pained me.
Weakly, I reached out for his hands, then pulled away. "I-I'm sorry," I whimpered. "I'm so sorry, Synn. I-I can't believe-"
"Breathe."
I inhaled. Hopelessly, I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my face in my hands. What had I done? What was wrong with me? My heart was still racing but breaths had started to leak back into my lungs, life returning to my fingertips and soul. And with that came guilt.
Gnawing, bloodsucking guilt.
"I'm so sorry," I sobbed into my knees.
"Why are you apologising?" he said.
Hesitantly, I looked up from my position and let out another small hiccup.
"Be-Because I just tied you up!" I cried. "An-And I just ruined your shirt, and you must be so cold and-and-"
"I don't give a fuck about the cold," he said and lowered his tied hands into his lap, leaning forward. "I give a fuck about you."
"But why?" Sniffling, I wiped my nose with one wet sleeve and hugged myself in a smaller ball, seeking warmth. "Why do you care? I just- I just yelled at you a-and made you tie yourself up and do all this-"
"You didn't make me do anything. It was my decision, my choice."
"No, it-it wasn't."
"Do you honestly think you could force me to do something like this, Thea?" I licked my salty lips. His soft eyes burned like azure flames as he repeated his message. "I did it because I wanted to, because I could see you were hurting. And I've seen that hurt before. I saw it the night we first met y lo he visto en mi madre."
[And I've seen it in my mother.]
He came to rest his elbows on his thighs as I heaved in more air and wiped my face messily. Patiently, he watched me struggle to collect myself. It was only when he could see the rising and falling of my chest and the air passing my lips that he spoke again.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
I gulped and stared at him, watching for a flicker of emotion - of disgust, of repulse, of annoyance - but there was none. He'd just witnessed me experience a panic attack and everything that came with it: the clawing, the fighting; the tears and saliva; the turmoil of emotions that wound around me and snagged anyone else in a five foot radius of me. And yet I couldn't sense a trace of scrutiny from him.
Judgement was something I had become accustomed to. Girls at school had often made comments about how little I hung around boys. While some of them snuck out the gates at lunchtime to fraternise with the guys and touch each other in more-than-friendly ways, I couldn't fathom uttering a word to a male without breaking down and flushing ten shades of red. Ember had fought a girl on occasion over it, but I'd pulled her away and begged her never to do it again.
But there was something different about Synn.
A power that compelled me and told me he would never dare to judge or to hurt.
"I... have a..."
My voice wobbled and I screwed my eyes shut.
"I have a fear of men."
Silently, I waited for laughter. For rejection. But it never came.
I peeked up at the man to find him staring at me, hard. He was silent as his jaw tightened, a small pulse appearing like a heartbeat. I had no way of reading his thoughts or emotions. Was he angry? Sad? Holding back guffaw? I didn't know, but his reaction was certainly different to those who had figured it out before. He dove deep into a sea of contemplation, brows screwed as he examined me.
"Synn?" I said meekly. "A-Are you angry with me?"
All of a sudden, he leaned forward and his shoulders grew taut. The action sent tingles down my spine as I came face to face with the beautiful man. "I would never be angry with you for something like this," he stated. Mulling, he pulled in his lower lip and pushed it out wet. "I just have questions, but I fear asking them because I don't know what I'll hear."
"Questions like what?"
He took a moment to formulate his words carefully. "Tell me how it works."
"O-Okay," I said and rested my chin on top of my knees. "Um, I think it started when I was young, like maybe nine or ten, but I'd just get really... scared when there were guys around me. I don't know how to describe the feeling.
"It's like... there's water in my lungs. I know people sometimes describe anxiety like they're drowning but this- this feels different. The water is inside me. I can't escape it. I just feel myself choking. I scratch and I- I hit myself but I can't get the water out. I can't get this fear out of me every time I see a man or every time I'm near them. And sometimes it takes a trigger for the water to rise in my throat and I... just... can't breathe."
Synn watched me. His eyes flickered from eye to eye, to my mouth, then back. I was shaking in my attempt to tell my story, but what stunned me was the calming dominance he had over me in such a vulnerable position: hands tied together and legs crossed as if he were a child. But I knew better. His build and gaze held such strength, such focus that he could only ever be seen as the epitome of masculine control.
"Did something... happen for this fear to start?" he asked slowly, as if he were afraid of what answer would come.
Did your mother do something to you?
"No, I think it's always been there," I said and clutched myself tighter, "Even if I didn't realise it."
He nodded his head to himself.
"Can you do something for me, pequeña mariposa?"
[Little butterfly.]
"Hm?"
"From now on, every time we're together, I want you to rate your fear from a scale of nought to ten," he said seriously. "I want you to tell me how frightened you are and I want you to be honest."
"Wh-Why would I do that?"
"Because one day, I want that rating to get to zero."
Zero: no fear of him at all. Part of my heart fluttered at the fact he wished to keep spending time with me, but the other churned. Zero was impossible. It was a reality I had to accept, that my lungs would always be weighed with water and my eyes would be filled with tears. But Synn's expression was grave and stern, and terribly convincing.
"I'm not so sure about that," I mumbled. One side of his beautiful mouth tilted upwards.
My cheeks flushed in the cold and I realised I was shivering, which was self-explanatory. It was then that I was reminded the man wasn't even wearing a coat, let alone his jacket - only a simple button-down that was half drenched. His broad shoulders were more than visible now, as was his chiselled torso.
"Synn!" I gasped. "Your shirt! You need to wear your jacket or you'll catch a cold! An-And it would be all my fault because I was the one who told you to ta-"
"How scared are you right now?"
I stopped. I shot him the tiniest glare.
"You really want me to do this right now?"
"Sí," he said, blue eyes glistening.
[Yes.]
I let out a huff. "Four," I answered. Pretty low.
He nodded his head and then gestured to his hands which had become blotchy and red from the snow, a simple sign of his mortality.
"Untie me then, baby."
Blinking, I leaned forward and tried not to let the word get to me. Why did he have to say things like that and make my heart race? I muttered something to myself and reached for the jacket around his arms. Our faces were close, his minty breath fanning my cheek as I bent over his lap to undo the knot. I now realised that I'd done two knots in the heat of the moment instead of one. Stupid Thea.
Synn's eyes burned the side of my face and my cheeks were warming again. "St-Stop looking," I murmured.
"Looking where?" he said huskily.
"At me."
"Why should I?"
"Because it-it's," I stuttered as I tried pulling the knot, "It's embarrassing."
"I see," he said near my ear. "Supongo que me gusta avergonzarte."
[I guess I like embarrassing you.]
Why had I done this darn knot so tight? Fumbling with the jacket, my frozen hands seemed weaker than ever. I tried to grasp for something but my knee wobbled and suddenly, my hand was on him.
"Thea."
"What?"
Synn inhaled sharply. "I'd suggest you be very careful with that hand," he ground out as his eyes fluttered shut.
"Hm?"
I looked down at where my hand was touching and retracted my fingers like a whip with a small gasp. Roughly, the man swallowed as he looked back at me, his irises having darkened around the rim.
"I'm sorry," I said worriedly, "Was I hurting you?"
"No, you're okay," he breathed but his voice was still thick with something unfamiliar. His back was to the lamplight and his whole front was covered in black. When I cautiously leaned forward and pressed again, he let out another noise of discomfort. "Mierda."
[Shit.]
"See, I knew you were lying," I pouted. His pupils were dilated, making them look darker, but he appeared to be amused. "If you want me to be honest with you, you need to tell the truth too. Right now, you're not exactly setting the best example, Mr Synn."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," I responded adamantly, beginning to scour his front for the source of injury. "Where does it hurt? Ember always says that I-I'm good at massages. Would you like a massage where it hurts? I can't guarantee that you'll feel better but I can sure try if you'd li-"
"I don't think that would be a good idea, baby," he said in a deeper voice than usual. "I'd just suggest that you keep your little hands in your lap unless you want to create a bigger problem for yourself, sí?"
[Yes?]
"Okay," I agreed, shoulders slumping. "I untied it now."
"Good. Come, let's finish making the snow rabbits and get you home."
I nodded as he shrugged the material over his shoulders. Like he suggested, I kept my hands in my lap and twiddled my thumbs patiently. For a moment, I stared at my fingers and how blotchy they'd become from the ice. I waited for him to make a move beside me and stand first, but for some reason, he didn't.
He wasn't moving.
Curiosity ate away my resolve and I raised my head to find him now staring at my hands. His jaw was set. His eyes were focused. Piercing. And when I followed them back to my chest, I stared at my wrist in horror. The sleeve of my jacket had fallen slightly, exposing the clear mark of a hand printed on my wrist from when Mama had grabbed me.
That deep, dark purple bruise.
All of a sudden, Synn was grasping my sleeve and pulling me towards him, making my knees dig into the snow.
I stared at him with wide, frightened eyes.
"What the fuck is this?"
*****
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Hey fudglings :3
OKAY I DO LIKE THIS CHAPTER A LOT A LOT AND THIS IS WHERE THINGS DO GET DIFFERENT FROM THE ORIGINAL PLOT but not too different
What did you guys think? Thoughts on Thea and Synn? I actually felt so sad writing about her panic attack but I wanted to portray it as realistically as possible. All her immediate feelings, her sadly warped thoughts and her behaviour - it all made my heart squish :c BUT IT WAS SYNN'S REACTION THAT REALLY GOT ME MAN LIKE CAN YOU STOP MY EXPECTATIONS ARE ALREADY TOO HIGH tell me WHO would tie themselves up for you and tell you those sweet things ,_, I love how panicked he was in the beginning but he was so patient and gentle with her AHHHHHHH marry me
What do you think Synn is gonna do about that bruise thoughhh? :0 Poor Thea with her emotions being tossed around all over the place my baby squish :c
I went to the British Motor Show last week and someone please tell me why masked drivers look so hot?? THEY'RE LITERALLY WEARING MASKS????? But seeing them wearing that driving gear and those helmets 😩😩 and I also went to the beach for the first time in years and it was actually the best thing ever I forgot how fun it was, and my mum's the crazy type so she went waist deep into the sea with her clothes on and then she dragged me and my sister in too BUT IT WAS SO FUN life is too short to care about wet clothes
Potato question of the day: What's your mental age?
I remember taking a mental age test a few months ago with some friends and while they were getting ages of around 25 to 40, mine was 12 ._. I was like bro ;-; I thought I have a very mature outlook on life but apparently not-
Anyway, thank you so much for the love and support and I hope you enjoyed the chapter. If you did, please vote, comment and share this book with your friends! I love you guys!
- Fudge x