This chapter is inspired by Osamu Dazai's book, 'No Longer Human'. And a few people's quotes.
The whole world was looking down on you. It was blaming you for all of your mistakes, and actions, even words. It was eating you whole, burying you alive. The wretched voices that spoke to you, quietly, were only getting louder. It's your fault, isn't it? They died because of you, didn't they? You'll pay for your mistakes, won't you? That's the only choice you've got. To pay for your selfishness, your wrongdoings, your birth; you're ought to die. The human souls...No, their voices will leave you alone if you pay for their deaths. You'll send them straight to heaven, while you'll rot in hell. A sorry wouldn't so much as tickle their anger. Their rage wouldn't vanish just because you mustered out a word. Just imagining your village's people's faces, their ferocious expressions scare you to no end. And if you dared to beg for their forgiveness, they'd only get more furious. They wouldn't come back to life because of a simple, meaningless 'sorry'.
That's what's been flowing through your mind ever since that demon killed your whole family and your whole village. You're only left to blame yourself and that overly confident demon slayer. If he hadn't saved you - you still would've been with your beloved family. That's what you wish for. But now, even if you die, they won't forgive you for leaving them to rot. To rot in the stomach of that disgusting creature. "Are you proud of yourself?". Your throat was dry, letting your voice sound like the voice of a corpse. "Yes, I saved you. Your family would've wanted you to live".
That's a lie. No matter how close people are, they still only think about themselves. In dire situations like that, your first thought is bound to be, 'I don't wanna die' or 'Someone please, come save me'. Something along those lines. That's just how we, humans, think. So, naturally, everyone would run for their own lives. What vicious, yet vulnerable animals we are. It makes you wonder if we truly care about anything else, but ourselves. It makes you wonder if mankind has a future at all. Even I, even my first thought was to just run and leave everyone behind. Of course, I regretted it dearly later, I still do. That's why their voices seem to never let go of my mind. They must be overwhelmed with the delicious taste of revenge. The need for revenge was like a rat gnawing at their souls, relentless, unceasing, it could only be stopped by the cold steel of a rat trap, a trap they would devise themselves. Their need for revenge was much more than just anger, It was their last wish. To get back at that one human who left them to die, in such a dreadful situation.
I always considered revenge to be some kind of a weapon that could destroy one's mind or even one's spirit. But I was raised to love everyone and everything, to protect everyone and everything. That's why having someone hate me was out of the question. I didn't want people to have to craft that weapon called revenge. They could play their passive-aggressive bullshit games and I would smile, nod and give every impression that I was the gracious loser of the skirmish. I deceived them. I did it because I was starving for love. Sounds funny, now. To think I was so desperate for something so weak. Love is a war that deals in such things; deception, hate, and fear... love deals with trust, honor, bravery, and empathy. Yet In my eyes, it's so weak, it's laughable.
'You didn't save anyone, you destroyed me'. Is what you wanted to tell him. But you just couldn't. That would ruin your happy-go-lucky facade you've been keeping up until now. And the work you've put into covering up your despair - you couldn't reveal you're true feelings now. So you just smiled softly at the male, "You're probably right". That sigh of relief coming out of his mouth made your eyes widen. He was so easy to fool. It is what you wanted to think, but his face turned serious. He took a deep breath, collecting the air around him. "As little as you may like it, you're human. You have emotions, you cry, you feel joy, you can be scared. You can't just ignore your feelings". That one sentence turned your whole world upside down. He saw right through it. Right through the mask you've built up.
A spring of tears went rolling down your cheeks. You couldn't stop it, even if you really wanted to. This was new to you. He's the first human who saw right through your clowning, lies, tricks. You glance at him through your blurry eyes, waiting for him to say something. He opened his mouth once again, "Emotions. The very thing that makes us human. You can have happiness, pride, excitement, relief. Every emotion considered good. But what would you be if you didn't feel hurt, or pain, or despair? You can't have the good without the bad. There is no light without darkness. The trick is to balance them, so the bad doesn't seem so terrible, and you can truly appreciate the good."
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UNEDITED!
It's 2:33 in the damn morning, and i literally just finished this chapter. Well, it's not really a chapter. Since it doesn't include any characters or whatever, it's just a little something to brighten somebody's day. Whether you're blaming yourself for something. Or feeling like you shouldn't show your emotions...This chapter pretty much includes someones, who is very close to me, thoughts. That 'someone' means the world to me, so... This chapter was meant for them, but...I hope it helps you out as well!
Actually, I have no idea what I'm saying anymore, I'm tired. Enjoy your weekend!