Chapter 25
I had been sketching at the dining table for quite some time, ever since I got home from school in fact, but I didn't even realize I ended up falling asleep until someone nudged my arm. I tiredly opened my eyes, seeing my mom standing beside me. "Are you okay?" she asked. "You've been sleeping here for a while."
I lifted my head off the table and leaned back into the chair, rubbing my eyes. I actually wasn't feeling too. I didn't even know why I wasn't feeling too well. I was happy for a few days now. Of course, not completely happy. Just happy enough where I didn't feel like crap every single second of the day.
And now, I was back to feeling horrible. Not a single bit of happiness could be found right now.
Even though my parents were constantly telling me that they couldn't help me if I just kept them in the dark, I didn't want to admit that I wasn't feeling good again. So I just went with the simple, "I'm fine. Just tired."
"Why don't you relax on the couch or your bed?" Mom asked. "Isn't the table a bit uncomfortable?"
"No, I'm okay," I said. "I didn't even mean to crash. I guess public school is a lot more tiring than online schooling."
"Yeah, I bet," Mom said. "I'm about to get started on dinner. Would you like to help?"
I didn't really feel like getting up, but I also didn't want to decline. I always felt bad if I said no whenever my mom asked if I wanted to help with dinner, even though there was no reason to feel bad. She always asked me because she knew I liked to cook, not because she needed help.
So I told my mom that I would help her.
Maybe it was something I needed, though. Cooking dinner together had always been our mother-son thing, starting when I was very young. I didn't even remember an age when I haven't been helping her.
Mom wanted to make taco salad for dinner and since it involved a lot of vegetable chopping, I handled the meat portion of the dinner. I still didn't think I could handle having a knife in my hand, even if my intention was to just chop up some food.
I guess I was just a weak person.
As Mom and I were cooking dinner, Ryder came down the stairs. "Okay, Mom, I'm about to ask you something because I know Dad is going to say no if I ask him."
"What is it?" Mom asked.
"Two words," Ryder said. "Party tonight."
"Again?" Mom asked. "Geez, how many parties are being thrown by people at your school?"
Ryder shrugged. "I don't know. So can I go? With Orchid and Alan too, because they'd get mad if I go without them."
"As long as you're home by eleven," Mom said. "You've always been home on time the last few parties you went to, and I trust that you didn't drink anything. I don't see why you shouldn't be able to go to this one. But at least eat some of the dinner your brother and I are making."
"We will," Ryder said as he headed back upstairs. "Thanks, Mom!"
Since nobody else was on this floor, apart from William and Rose, Mom decided to talk to me about something that not too many people knew about. "So I know you're not ready to let everyone know yet," she said, "but are you ever going to tell your father about you and Jerome?"
I shrugged, not giving a verbal reply. I didn't even know if I was going to tell my dad any time soon. Of course I wanted to so I didn't have to hide who I was in my own home, but it was just so exhausting coming out all the time.
I thought it would have helped to tell everyone in my family one by one so I didn't have to work up the nerve to tell everyone at the same time. Apparently, it was just making me feel tired of having to tell everyone separately.
"Wait, no, this isn't me saying that you have to tell your father soon," Mom said, probably thinking that my silence was because I felt pressured to tell Dad. "It was just me wondering if you're going to tell anyone else."
"I did," I said. "Orchid and Alan knows. Just... just them."
"Oh," Mom said. "Well, I'm happy you were able to tell them. And, again, this isn't me saying you have to tell your dad but I know he's going to be just as supportive as I am."
"I don't know, it kind of sounds like you're trying to get me to tell Dad."
"Really, I'm not. You should tell him when you're ready, not when someone else says you should. I'm just--"
"Mom, I'm joking. I know what you're trying to get at. Believe me, I want to tell Dad but... I don't know. It took a lot of energy to tell Orchid and Alan. A-and stuttering. A lot of stuttering..."
"It's okay," Mom said. "Just take your time. You shouldn't feel pressured to come out or anything."
"I know," I said. "Thanks."
Mom and I continued to cook dinner for everyone, though after the meat was cooked, there wasn't much I could do since I really didn't think I could hold a knife in my hand without feeling those urges, or without being reminded of the pain I go through.
Dad came up the stairs from the clinic, immediately walking into the kitchen to see what we were cooking. "You know, one day we have to cook bacon for the taco salad as well."
"You just want bacon in everything," Mom said.
Dad shrugged as he opened the bag of tortilla chips that was set on the counter for dinner. Mom told him not to get into any, but he ignored her and grabbed one anyway.
As Mom was trying to get Dad to not eat all the food we were preparing, I suddenly got an idea in my mind. I had been struggling telling others about me being gay because I went with a complicated explanation about me and Jerome. I never really just said it in a simple way.
Maybe to tell Dad, all I should do was say it as simply as I could. Just two words.
"Dad, I'm gay," I said without actually meaning to say it at this second. It just came out all because I was thinking about it, and trying to get myself to say it.
Dad stopped trying to get another chip as he looked at me. Mom looked at me too, a shocked expression on her face since I was just telling her how it took a lot of energy for me to tell people.
"You are?" Dad asked.
I nodded.
"Well, I guess that explains why you looked so flustered that one time Jerome was in your room with you."
"D-Dad, n-no. I... I wasn't flustered. I was... tired. I told you that."
"Uh huh," Dad said with an amused smile on his face as he went back to eating from the bag of chips.
"S-so... You're not mad or... anything?"
"Why would I be?" Dad asked. "I know you've been a bit happier. That's all that matters." He then walked over to where I was standing and gave me a hug. "Thank you for telling me. It was probably hard for you, and I'm proud of you."
I smiled softly as I hugged my dad back. "Thank you."
I didn't feel too happy right now after telling Dad, though. Not because I wasn't ready to tell him or anything. But because that was how things went. I should be happy right now, but I just couldn't.
I hope this depressive episode passed quickly, but I knew it probably wasn't going to.
At least I was able to eat a bit of my dinner. There are times where I could barely stomach a bite, but I was able to eat everything that was on my plate. Granted, I didn't fill up my plate much to begin with but I still ate.
Once I finished eating, I decided to go upstairs to my room to try and relax a bit. Though that was probably going to be hard with what I was feeling right now.
I flopped down on my bed with a heavy sigh. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to feel even the tiniest bit of positive emotions.
I felt nothing. Not happy, not inspired, not even content.
I just felt... hopeless. Sad. Fatigued.
Empty.
And I didn't know how long it was going to last this time.
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but yay for nolan telling grayson :) it was actually (i'm pretty sure) nolan's first time saying, "i'm gay." i'm so proud of my boy <3
sorry for the short chapter, again, but these are leading up to some drama. i mean what?