Salvum Me Ex Animo // Save Me From The Heart
I re-read the letter in my hand before I sealed the silver and green envelope with the Malfoy family crest. I handed the letter to my Snowy Owl.
"Find him Jet," I say. Jet coos and grabs the letter between his sharp beak. I open the window and watch as the bright white owl disappears into the sky. He was a gorgeous owl, completely white with only a few spots, but he was old. I had a younger snowy owl as well, Kaya. She is white with an abundance of black specks. I love her greatly and she is an amazingly fast flyer, however, she tends to have a mind of her own and this is a job that required a levelheaded and more serious owl.
Kaya screeches a complaint from her post in the corner of my room. I laugh and walk over to her. She cringes away from me as I try to pet her soft feathers. I pet her anyway even as she makes little noise of protest, she's a sassy owl and it's always gotta be her way or no way. Kind of like Andy.
I felt bad for Andy, I don't think she's as emotionless as she tries to make people think she is. I still remember her suicide incident a while back, and not too long ago when she asked me for a hug. And cried. It's not often you see it but her walls do come down, they have. She fell in love with a Weasley for one. When I got hurt she seemed worried, same with when Draco had been hospitalized by the chosen one himself. I worry about her, and what she may do if she doesn't confide in someone. She's not okay, and that's obvious to me. She hides it well but I've known her for so long I can tell. Maybe I don't know the extent of her pain or the specifics, but I wish I did. I wish she would just talk to me. I wish she would tell me what I can do to help her.
I pushed aside my worries temporarily as I moved over to settle on my bed. I pulled out a small muggle notebook, a gift from Jaiden, and stared with a sad smile at the cover. It was navy blue, with stars dispersed around the cover. In the centre were two small, golden lines, with curved lines on the top and bottom to connect the two lines. Under the symbol in neat writing was Gemini.
Jaiden had introduced me to Astrology last year and I found it quite fascinating. My brother and I were Gemini's. Which I find Ironic as Gemini is represented by The Twins. Jaiden is a Libra. I opened the notebook and flipped through the pages. I kept memories in this book, thoughts, dreams, hopes, worries. It helped with my anxiety. I stared at the last page I had written in. Dried tear stains dotted the paper and my writing was frantic. The breakup. That was the last time I let myself feel anything. Since then I put my emotions aside and tried to forget about everything. And fuck that was probably the worst thing I could have done. But I did what I had to do to get my job done.
Tears overwhelmed me as all my feelings from the last while poured out of me. I was in pain. My body shook and I gasped as I cried, both trying to silence my sobs and from lack of air. I put a hand over my mouth and willed the tears to stop. And they did, just like that. I breathed a few times and soon enough the only sign I had been crying as that I was still shaking. I couldn't afford to feel in a war, people who let their emotions rule them are the ones who get killed from stupid choices. This is a war, there's no room for any weaknesses. And love, feelings, are weaknesses.
Reaching under my bed I pulled out my romance books and my photos of Jaiden. I stacked them on top of each other, my Gemini notebook on top, and shuffled to the other end of my room where the fireplace was crackling. One by one I threw the books and photos in, watching as the fire swallowed the pages. Lastly, I picked up the notebook in my hand. All the feelings and emotions I had felt during the last year were crammed into this book. It talked about my decline in eating, my panic attacks, Draco's sexuality and cutting, my relationship with Jaiden, my hatred of Deatheaters, absolutely everything. I couldn't afford to have this around. I threw the notebook into the fire and the pages began to burn quickly. The cover didn't burn as quickly but slowly it began to char and burn as well. I watched as it disappeared until it became nothing but ash and soot. It was better this way, I reminded myself.
Draco entered my room as I was staring out my window. He had bags under his eyes and looked sickly pale. Sure, he was always pale but this was different. He curled up on my bed and looked over at me.
"I want to die Lyra,"
"Yeah, same," I sighed.
"No Ly, like seriously. I want to kill myself."
"Draco," I said softly. I looked over at him and met his eyes, he was serious. He looked broken, emotionless. It was terrifying.
"I thought I was fine, but then the Sectumsempra thing happened and I almost hoped I wouldn't survive. And then I almost did kill myself, accidentally I mean, and at that moment I was terrified. But when I woke up completely alive I hated myself. I cried, I think Madam Pomfrey just assumed I was in pain, or relieved to be alive, but I cried because I wanted to be dead. I didn't want to live this life anymore. I don't, Lyra I really don't."
I wasn't sure how to respond to Draco's admission.
"I understand Dray,"
"No you don't!" he yelled. He was sitting up in my bed now. I was stunned for a moment. I willed myself to walk over to him, I wanted to take his hand. "Please, don't." He pulled his hand away. I nodded and settled for sitting down next to him. Okay, maybe I don't understand what he's feeling, maybe I can't understand what Andy is feeling. I know that. It doesn't mean I like it. I know my problems don't matter as much, I'm not fucking suicidal. I know I'm not as important or broken as them. Fuck I know that. I know compared to them my problems are nothing, but I'm still fucking selfish. I still pity myself and make things about myself. I grab for attention and I make my problems more significant than they need to be. They're suicidal, Draco self-harms and I'd bet money Andy does as well. Meanwhile, I'm just a pathetic girl who panics over the smallest things, eat's virtually nothing, and can't handle a measly little breakup. Its pathetic, stupid. Why am I so absorbed in myself when there are problems out there so much bigger than my own. Compared to Andy and Dray, why should my tiny problems matter?
"No, I don't understand," I say, "but I'm still your sister, your twin, Draco. Want do you want me to do?"
"I don't want you to do anything. I don't want you to worry about me, or make this a big deal. And most of all I don't want you to try and save me. If I'm dying fucking let me, whether it be by my own hand or someone else's," Draco hisses. I shake my head and I start to cry again. Twice in one day, pathetic.
"I can't do that. I want to help you."
"I don't want help," he cries, "I don't want anything. I told you because I love you, and if I die I want you to know that It's okay, I wanted it that way." I sob harder and open my arms, silently asking if I can hug him. Draco complies and pulls me into a tight hug. I'm not quite sure who's comforting who right now though. "I'm sorry Ly. I'm sorry I'm this way. I don't want to hurt you, but I can't stand it anymore." His voice cracks and he's crying too. It registers to me that he sounds like he's planning to kill himself.
"Please," I plead, "Don't kill yourself, don't leave me alone. I can't lose you too." I'm sobbing into him so hard I'm not even sure if he understands me. He kisses the top of my head gently and rubs my back in a calming manner.
"Too?" I realize I hadn't told him about Jaiden. I nod and say through my tears,
"Jaiden broke up with me. The day we had to kill du- him" Draco squeezes me a little tighter and apologizes.
"Just please, don't leave me. I can't live without you" I hate playing the sympathy card. But at this point I don't care. I'll guilt-trip him as much as I can to keep him with me.
"I can't promise anything," Draco says, his voice a little softer than before, "But I can try." I nod and rest my head on his shoulder, my tears stopped and breath wavering. I focus on Draco and tune the rest of the world out. He's the only thing that matters right now. I can still feel his hand gently on my back, rubbing soothing circles to calm me. His other arm is just below, holding me tight against him. It feels wrong that he's comforting me, it should be the other way around.
Draco stays for a little longer before heading to his room to clean up. I gather myself together after he's gone and shove my feelings down once more. I'm a Deatheater, and a witch. My charm skills are impeccable and from now on I can't dwell on everything and get upset every time something happens. I'm a Deatheater, I should start acting like one.
The quote this chapter is kind of obvious, the heart hurts.
~River 🌊