The day of my mom's funeral, I woke up with a heavy heart. I laid in my bed for a while thinking about her until I decided it was time to get up and not waste any more time. There was a knock on my door as I got out of my bed and whoever was on the other side of my door, opened the door without waiting for me to tell them to come in. I looked up and saw my boyfriend standing there dressed in a suit, most likely the one he had worn to Hayden and Natalie's wedding since I'm sure he only had one.
He smiled at me even though it wasn't one of his happiest ones and then said, "I'll make your bed for you. Why don't you go take a shower and get ready? I'll be in here when you're done and then we can go eat some breakfast before we go."
I nodded my head and then headed over to my closet to grab the black dress I would be wearing to my mom's funeral. My closet was a little bigger than the one I had at my old house, which was nice since I had more room to store things and I didn't need a dresser, which gave me more room in my room. My room also was bigger now, so I had a queen bed now instead of a twin. It was nice to have more room to stretch out in.
All the furniture that was in the guest room at Hayden and Natalie's house went into Ryan's room since he liked it more than I did so I got to pick all new furniture. I had a feeling that Ryan had just said he liked the furniture so I would be the one who got all new stuff because of what I went through.
I didn't mind though, but I also wasn't going to take advantage of the fact that my brothers wanted to buy me whatever I wanted because of what I went through. It was sweet of them, but it wasn't going to make what happened go away. I knew they just wanted to make me happy again, but I didn't think I was going to go back to the way I was before for awhile. It was just going to take some time until I felt like myself again and felt like I could be truly happy. I was going to need new furniture either way since all my furniture was gone.
Along with everything else that I had left in my room. I didn't think I would really miss what I lost since I had gotten pretty everything out of my room that I wanted. There were probably a few things left in my room that I would miss, but I couldn't get any of it back. It was all gone.
After getting my dress and kissing my boyfriend, I left my room and headed across the hallway to the bathroom. Ryan's room was in between mine and the bathroom at the end of the hallway on the second floor. I noticed that his door was still closed so he must not be awake yet or he was awake, and he was just lying in bed, not ready to face the day quite yet.
After going inside the bathroom, I shut the door and then hung my dress on the towel rack that was hooked up to the wall and had three hand towels hanging from it. I went over to the shower and bathtub to start my shower. Once the water was warm enough, I got undressed and then stepped into the shower after sliding the curtain open.
When I came out of the bathroom, all showered and dressed with my hair in a side braid since I really didn't feel like doing that much to it today, I headed back to my room with my pajamas in one of my hands. Ben was sitting in the chair that sat at my white desk, which was next to the door that led into my closet when I walked back into my room. I threw my pajamas onto my bed and then went over to sit in my boyfriend's lap. It was nice that he was here so early to be there for me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned in to rest my head in the crook of his neck as I felt one of his hands rest on my waist and the other rest on my leg.
"You're still okay with it just being you and me for breakfast?" he asked me, squeezing my leg. I nodded my head and then he leaned in to kiss me. I kissed him back and just enjoyed the moment, forgetting about what I was going to be doing later today.
We pulled away after a good make out session and I gave him a smile even though it probably wasn't my best. Then we both got up from the chair and I grabbed my purse off of my desk from where I had sat it the last time I had come home. After making sure everything was in it, I led the way out of my room and down the hallway to the staircase. We headed into the kitchen so I could say good morning to Hayden and Natalie before Ben and I left my house to go eat breakfast and then probably head to the cemetery for my mom's funeral.
When we got outside, I saw that his car was parked in front of the house behind Ryan's. My car was in the driveway, parked in the middle of it so Hayden and Natalie would be able to get their cars out of the garage whenever they wanted to leave.
Ben walked me to the passenger door of his car and opened it up for me. He closed it once I was all the way inside and then walked over to the driver's side to get into the car as I put on my seatbelt. Once he was inside the car, had shut the door and put his seatbelt on, he turned on the car and then drove off after he had turned his car around to go back down the new street we were living on. We drove past his house on the way out of the neighborhood and I could see Kate and their parents' cars still in the driveway.
They would probably be leaving when Ben and I were just about done eating breakfast. The service for my mom's funeral didn't start for another two hours so Ben and I had plenty of time to eat breakfast.
"We'll go to that restaurant that's always never too busy so you don't have to deal with too many people, but if it gets to be too much then you just let me know and we'll get out of there as fast as we can, alright?" Ben asked glancing over at me before looking back at the road.
"That's fine with me. Thanks Ben," I said as I watched the houses in our new neighborhood pass by. I wasn't too worried about people coming up to me while we were eating breakfast. I had been back to work for about a month now and was sort of used to it.
It definitely bothered me when people tried to ask me about what happened that day, but my boss and co-workers had always come to my defense to protect me. Same went for Ben, my brothers, or one of my friends when I was out with one of them. I was going to a lot more places now since I had gone back to work, but it was hard sometimes with people staring at me all the time and trying to ask me questions. I was never alone when I went out, which was perfectly fine with me. I wasn't ready to be alone out in the world again.
It'd probably make me feel overwhelmed and I would end up in tears. And I didn't want to cry in public especially if there was no one there to shield me from everyone else.
"Anything for you babe," he replied. I looked over at him since I thought I could feel him looking at me and smiled, but he didn't see it since he was focused on the road. He must have been looking at me though because I could always tell when Ben was looking at me.
We arrived at the restaurant a few minutes later. It had only been about a fifteen minute drive from our new neighborhood so it hadn't taken that long to get there. Probably about the same amount of time from our old one, maybe a little less, but it was a restaurant that we had been to before. After finding a parking spot, Ben and I unbuckled our seatbelts and then got out of the car. I grabbed my purse from the floor of Ben's car and then shut the door.
Ben was already waiting for me on the sidewalk by the car after I had shut the door. I went over to him and then we headed over to the doors that led into the restaurant, which Ben opened up for me and let me go inside first.
Ben and I walked over to the hostess together since I didn't really want to talk to her and have her recognize me. She would probably end up starting to ask me a bunch of questions about what had happened to with my parents after she had expressed her sympathy. That's how it usually started anyways. People started off by being nice to you and then got down to what they really wanted to talk to you about. Ben knew the drill anyways and always knew how to keep anyone from asking me too many questions.
They may end up getting in one or two, but Ben would never give me a chance to answer them or let them ask anymore, which was completely fine with me. If I wasn't talking that much to the people closest to me, then I certainly wasn't going to talk about what happened that day to someone I didn't know at all.
After being seated at a booth in the back of the restaurant without the hostess asking me about my parents thankfully, Ben and I looked through the menu to decide on what we wanted to eat for breakfast. Our waiter came by to ask what we wanted to drink and tell us about the specials before he left the table. By the time he came back with our drinks, both Ben and I had decided what we wanted to eat and placed our orders.
Thankfully he didn't ask me any questions, but I also think that he didn't really recognize me. Or maybe he did, and he just wasn't going to say anything, which was really nice of him to do.
"What do you want to do after the funeral?" Ben asked me after the waiter had left with the menus and our orders written down. I looked over at him and leaned closer to him to rest my head on his shoulders. I always sat by him when we were seated at a table with more than two chairs. I felt more protected when I sat next to him.
"Just be with you," I answered.
I felt him kiss the top of my head before he said, "Then we'll do just that. We do have to go to the wake after the funeral, but then after that we can go anywhere you want to. Both of our houses will be free so we can hang out there or we can go someplace else. Whatever you want babe."
I smiled. I seemed to be getting whatever I wanted lately from everyone in my life. It was nice, but eventually things would have to go back to the way they were. Or at least I hoped they would. I wasn't going to let everyone baby me for the rest of my life, but I would for now, at least on some things, until I felt like I could be myself again. I wasn't sure when that was going to be, but I hoped it wouldn't take forever. It wouldn't feel right being and feeling like this for the rest of my life. Even though sometimes it felt like I was never going to be happy again because I felt so sad and angry about what happened to my mom, I didn't want to feel this way forever.
I knew my mom would want me to be happy and not live my life in sadness and anger all the time. She would want me not to push anyone I cared so much about away. And I could end up doing that if I didn't talk about what had happened or how I felt. It was harder doing it than thinking it though. I wanted to talk about it, mostly with Ben, but then I also didn't want to talk about it. Or think about what happened because I just felt like crying.
But hopefully I would work up the courage soon to talk about how I felt. I was going to start with Ben since right now he was the one I was most comfortable with and he was really the only one who kept asking about how I felt or asking more about that day.
My brothers probably wanted to know, and they probably wanted to ask me about it, but they were dealing with their own grief and were probably too afraid to ask for more details about what happened. I had told the police as much as I could remember from that day, but there was always something popping up that I remembered as the days went by.
If I did remember something new, then I told the detective in charge about it and I'm sure my brothers were told about it as well since the police kept them updated on the case as much as they could, but my brothers never seemed to ask me directly about it. They asked me how I was doing, but they never pushed. It was like they felt if they pushed too much, then I would never say anything to them.
"Do you think there's going to be a lot of people there? I know the whole town wasn't invited, but it sounded like there's going to be a pretty good amount of people. Your mom was well-liked and loved so I know a lot of people are going to want to mourn her," Ben said quietly so only I could hear. I'm sure he didn't want anyone around us to overhear and then ask me about my parents.
Even though I was probably going to end up crying in public during the funeral, I'm glad he was making sure no one overheard us talking about my parents, which could in turn make them realize who I was, because I didn't want to cry in a restaurant and then have everyone notice me. Not everyone recognized me right away, but I preferred if no one recognized me at all and Ben knew that. And he did his best to keep that from happening.
"Yeah, there probably is going to be a lot of people there. My grandparents didn't just invite family members, they invited friends, as well as some of my dad's side of the family who were close to my mom. I'm just glad they didn't open the invitation to everyone in town. This is already hard enough," I replied back, keeping my voice low as well.
"I know, babe. If you want to leave early, then let me know. I'm sure people will understand if you need to leave and I'll get you out of there," he said lifting my chin, so I had to look him in my eye. I gave him a smile and then he leaned in to give me a kiss.
"You're the greatest boyfriend ever, you know that right?" I said after we had pulled away from each other.
He grinned and then winked at me and then said, "Yeah, I know, but that's only because I love you so much and you make me want to be the best boyfriend I can be. You know I'll protect you even when you're back to your stubborn self and feel like you don't need to be protected by anyone anymore."
I smiled at him again and nodded my head. If there was anyone to work up the courage for to talk about what happened that day and how I'm feeling, it was Ben. Not that my brothers or anyone else didn't care about either of those things, but Ben was the one who showed it the most and was always there when I needed him. He had my back and would always have my back no matter what happened, and I was really thankful for that. I was thankful that I had Ben in my life and that he was my boyfriend.
"How's your mom doing?" I asked him. I'm sure this was a hard day for her as well. She had to say goodbye to her best friend. I know it wasn't the same for me since this was my mother, but I knew it had to be hard because it was hard to imagine losing Kate and what that would feel like.
"She seemed okay for right now, but I'm sure the tears will come soon. My dad takes good care of her, so I try not to worry too much," he replied.
"I'm sorry that I'm taking up all your time and that you can't be there for your mom," I said.
"Babe, you have nothing to be sorry for. My mom knows why you're taking all my time. And she doesn't mind. I think she'd rather I be there for you, then her because she's got my dad to take care of her. And then there's also Nathan, Daniel, and Christina. Probably Kate too. My mom knows that you need me more than she needs me right now," Ben said.
I looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back and then leaned in to kiss me. After we pulled away, I rested my head on his shoulder and tried to relax, but that was hard to do when I knew what was coming next once Ben and I were done eating breakfast. The fact that I was going to be going to my mother's funeral in less than two hours was scaring me. It was making this all very real. And all that hope that Mom was going to walk through the door any day now was fading away because it was becoming clearer that this wasn't a dream at all.
I wasn't going to wake up any time soon to find out that none of this had happened because it had happened. And as much as I wanted this to be a dream, I had to have the courage to go to my mother's funeral so I could say goodbye.
"Did you sleep at all last night?" Ben asked breaking into my thoughts.
"No, not really. You don't think my dad is going to show up, do you?" I asked him.
"That would be really stupid of him to do. I think my dad said there were going to be some cops there just in case your dad did decide to do that," Ben replied.
"That's good to know that there's going to be cops there. It's already going to be hard enough burying her. I don't want anyone ruining her funeral too," I said.
"I know there's quite a few people who wouldn't let that happen," Ben replied.
We grew quiet after that as I stared down at my hands. One was holding onto one of Ben's hands tightly and the other was on top of Ben's hand that I was holding. Every now and then I would run my fingers across the back of his hand and then back up again. It gave me something to do, but it didn't stop me from thinking about my mom, which wasn't hard to do on a day like this. She was really all I could think about today. I had been thinking about her all day yesterday too, wondering what was going to happen today at her funeral and how long I was going to last standing there and staring at her coffin.
"I think we're going to get out of here before the Sunday morning crowd comes in," Ben said. He wasn't letting me be alone in my thoughts for very long, which was nice. I still thought about my mom even when we were talking, but it was nice that my thoughts weren't totally focused on her.
"That's good. I'm sure it won't be too much longer until our food arrives," I said not really bothering to look up at the moment to see how many people were in the restaurant. When we had first come through the restaurant before arriving at our table, I had avoiding looking around the room so I would have to make eye contact with anyone. I still wasn't quite ready to look around the room yet and see how many people were here.
"That's true, which is good because I'm hungry," Ben said.
"You're always hungry," I replied.
"That is very true," Ben said kissing me on top of my head.
"Thanks Ben, for being there for me no matter how hard I make it," I said looking up at him.
"You don't make it hard at all," he replied looking down at me.
"I'm sure I do. Especially since I'm not being very open," I said looking back down.
I heard Ben sigh, but he didn't say anything just yet. He may be trying to figure out what to say next. Or he may not know what to say next. Ben probably didn't want to say the wrong thing and make things worse. Especially on a day like today. He knew that I was really going to need him today and maybe that was enough for him. Because I think we both know that things could be a lot worse. I could be completely pushing him away by not wanting to be around him so I wouldn't let him in at all.
People deal with losing someone in different ways. And I'm sure Ben was glad that I wanted him around and that I wasn't pushing him away because I was scared of letting him in and then losing him like I lost my mother.
But Ben was worth the pain. I didn't want to ever think about losing Ben, but I knew it would hurt so much if I did. And I could avoid that by not being him, but that would also hurt me because then I probably would eventually have to watch him be with someone else. There was no way I would be able to do that. But since I couldn't imagine going through this without Ben by my side, I was more than willing to let him in and risk getting hurt if I were to ever lose him.
"You're trying babe. And that's enough for me. As long as you keep trying then it's still going to be enough for me. I don't want you to ever give up," he finally said. I looked back up at him and gave him a small smile.
He gave me one back to and then added, "I'm sure some number of months from now, you'll be able to talk to me about it. Maybe you'll give me little pieces of what happened every now and then. Or maybe one random day, it'll all come pouring out, but just keep trying. Don't ever be afraid to talk to me."
"I don't think I would ever be afraid to talk to you. It's just hard to talk about what happened," I said resting my head back on his shoulder.
"I know it's hard. It was never going to be easy," Ben said.
"I am going to keep trying to work up the courage to talk about what happened. You know the events of what happened that day, but I know you also want me to talk about how I felt. That's probably the hardest part, but I'm going to get the words out one day," I replied.
"I know you will babe. Because you're strong and you're going to get through this. Things are hard right now, but they're going to get better," Ben said kissing me on top of my head again as he squeezed my hand. I felt him rest the side of his face on the top of my head as we grew quiet, not having anything else to say at the moment. Hopefully I would actually be able to get the words out one day. I didn't want to break that promise to Ben.