Title: Clean
A continuation of "Apologize" and "Never Again (Solve the Code)."
Pairing: Ssunkipz
Song: "Clean" by Taylor Swift
Genre: Angst/freedom (is freedom a genre? *derp face* WELL IT IS NAO)
Prompt: Well, I really wanted to do a one-shot for this song, and I was originally going to make it a kktato since there are, like, three fanfics (even less than munchinuniverse!) for that ship. But then I started thinking about how perfectly Ian would fit into this song after going through the heart-wrenching events of "Apologize" and "Never Again," and... I don't know, I just... I feel like Ian deserves a happy ending. :)
Warnings: Erm, bit of feels?
Word Count: 1,447, but some of that is song lyrics.
The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together
Died of thirst
"No, I- I'm trying, Ty, I'm trying so hard, but I miss him so much!" I wail over the phone as tears leave tracks on my cheeks. I want him back so badly, but I'm the one who broke up with him. I broke it off because he was bad for me – he broke my heart over and over, but he always tried to get me back. And he always did get me back, that was the problem! Over and over, I forgave him, and over and over, he made me regret it!
But I need him. He's a part of me.
A really big part of me.
"You can't give in, Ian," Ty says sternly. "I promised to keep you from going back to him, and I intend to keep that promise.
"But, Ty, I need him! I need to feel his arms around me again, I need to hear his voice whispering sweet nothings in my ear, I need to feel his lips on mine, I-"
"No, Ian, you don't. You're suffering from Quentin-withdrawal; he's like a drug, and you're addicted. It's gonna hurt when you try to stop, but when it's completely over and done with, you will feel so much better."
"A-Are you sure?" I ask hesitantly, not quite believing that anyone could be okay without Quentin after having him for even a small period of time.
"Positive."
It was months and months of back and forth
You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress
I can't wear anymore
"I'll just call him once," I tell myself as I pace back and forth in my room. "I'll talk to him a little bit, just a little bit, and maybe then we can be come friends again, and-"
I cut myself off, ignoring how totally insane I sound. "No, Ian, you can't do that, that's stupid. If you get to be friends again, you'll end up wanting more, and he'll go back to seeking you out whenever he goes through a break-up. You have to stay strong. You have to stay clean."
"Then again-"
"No. Stay clean."
Hung my head as I lost the war
And the sky turned black like a perfect storm
I throw my head back and laugh happily, my mood greater than it's been all year. "You're kidding!"
"No, it really happened!" he giggles, looking at me lovingly. "You know, I really missed you, Ian."
I swallow hard. "I really missed you, too, Quentin," I choke out, trying not to cry.
Smiling sadly, he pulls me into a hug. A few seconds later, he pulls away, but he leaves his arm across my shoulders.
I let him keep it there.
The rain came pouring down
When I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning
Gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean
Sobs rack my body as I lean against my bedroom wall with my legs pulled up to my chest. I failed, I failed so epicly. I was trying to stay clean, I was trying to get rid of him!
A week ago when I was freaking out in my bedroom over him, well, sure, I missed him like crazy, but... I was getting over him! Slowly, slowly, I was getting over him. Even though I was practically drowning in my own sorrow, I could breathe again. I was okay again.
I throw my head back, hitting it against the wall and relishing in the physical pain the detracts slightly from the emotional pain. I don't wanna do this, I don't wanna miss him, I don't wanna love him.
I just wanna be clean.
There was nothing left to do
When the butterflies turned to dust
They covered my whole room
I was surprised more than anyone else when I woke up one morning, saw I had a missed call from Quentin, and didn't instantly get butterflies in my stomach.
Of course, I still miss him.
I would still idiotically take him back if he were to ring my doorbell right now.
I wouldn't be able to help it.
But maybe someday I will be.
So I punched a hole in the roof
Let the flood carry away all my
Pictures of you
"You can do this, Ian," Ty says softly, handing me a picture and placing his other hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner.
"I- I don't think I can," I say hoarsely, staring down at the picture of Quentin and I playing War with a deck of cards. We'd had such a great time that day. I had kept getting good cards, and Quentin had gotten really bad ones, but it was still so much fun. I sort of had a panic attack halfway through the game, but Quentin helped me through it.
He broke up with me for the sixth time one week later.
An unstable mixture of anger and pain flushes through my veins, and I rip the picture into six little pieces.
The water filled my lungs I screamed
So loud but no one heard a thing
"I can't! I can't do this!" I weep, banging my head against the headboard of my bed repeatedly. I can't, I can't! I want him back so badly, and he keeps calling me and leaving messages saying how sorry he is, and he's asked me out several times via text messaging, and he even rang my doorbell once, but I looked out the window, realized it was him, and then turned off all my lights and pretended not to be home.
I can't do it anymore.
I'm drowning without him. I need him, I need him so badly!
I scream out at the top of my lungs, releasing all my pent up anger, frustration, pain, and heartbreak. I miss him, I miss him, why can't I go back to him!
I want to go back to him!
I can't go back to him.
The rain came pouring down
When I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning
Gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean
'Said, 'I think I am finally clean.'
Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it
Ten months older, I won't give in
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it
I think... I think I'm clean. Maybe. I think so. Possibly.
Quentin texted me a few hours ago. He told me he was sorry. He said he understands what I'm going through and he regrets hurting me. He said he'd like to be just friends, because he misses me almost as much as I miss him.
I can see him, right?
I'm over him now; I'm clean.
So I can see him, right?
No.
I can't risk it.
The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together
Died of thirst
The rain came pouring down
When I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning
Gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean
The rain came pouring down
When I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning
Gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean
"Hey, Ian!"
Finally clean
I whirl around to face whoever the heck is calling my name, and I'm immediately faced with Quentin. He grins happily and laughs a little. "I haven't seen you in forever!"
I fake a smile. "Yeah. It's been... what, a- a year now?"
"Yeah," he sighs. Then he wraps his arms around me in a tight hug, and, despite my heart's complaints, I find myself loving the feeling. "I've missed you so much," he breathes.
'Think I'm finally clean
I only nod.
"Hey, would you... Could we... I'm not even gonna ask you on a date, 'cause I know you're really hurt right now, and I still regret everything I did so much," he says sincerely in a low voice. "But, for now... can we just be friends again? And then maybe someday, eventually, when I've proven to you that I'm a changed man... we can be more?"
It takes everything in me to say, "No, thanks."
"W-What?" he asks, entirely taken aback by my reply. "But- Why?"
"I think I'm finally clean."