26 Sebastian
I didn't know how long I'd spent praying. All I knew was that, by the time I got in the shower, the water was cold, and when I got out and got dressed, it was dark outside. It had taken me a long time to reign myself in. I hadn't lost myself to lust like that in years, if ever, and the fact that it happened with Summer... I was more than a little ashamed.
She was gone when I emerged into the living room, and Tom was in my kitchen, leaning against the counter, eating my Moose Tracks ice cream right out of the carton. Without acknowledging him, my eyes found the note on the bar counter, and I frowned when I picked it up. Summer was gone. She'd left without saying a word to me, and considering the note, it was because she thought I was mad at her. More likely, she was mad at me for being such a selfish, invasive, horny pig.
I fisted the note in one hand as I scraped the other over my face. Tom looked up at me with his mouth full of ice cream. "She thinks you're mad at her." He said around the half-frozen sludge.
"So, I gathered." I let the paper ball drop to the counter and grabbed my shoes from behind the door, carried them with me to the couch. "How long have you been here?"
He shrugged as he lidded the ice cream carton and put it back. "Half hour, give or take. I came after I dropped her off."
"Was she mad?"
"Was she mad? No, not at all. Rather, she was more afraid that you were going to want to break up with her."
I let out a frustrated breath, frustration aimed directly at myself, and stooped to tie my shoes. "I'm not going to."
"I know that." He rounded the counter and sat in the chair beside me. "She told me what happened. So... you wanna talk about it?"
"It was just a moment of weakness, and a horrible lapse in judgement."
"I could have told you that." He countered. "I want to know what you're feeling right now."
"Like I'm an idiot." I said without pause. "And a jerk, and a pig, and a—"
"Okay." He interrupted. "Don't put yourself down."
Blowing out hard, I glanced at Eustace, still sitting unused on the floor beside me, and tried to calculate how long I'd gone without it. My lungs were a little tight, but they weren't starving. They were just like they'd always been when I carried my emergency oxygen. Tom seemed to notice me staring at it, because he leaned onto his knees and looked as well.
"How long have you been without?"
I shook my head. "I don't know. I took it off when we were..." I swallowed hard and looked away to finish tying my shoe.
"It's been a while, then."
"I'm fine."
"You should reconnect."
"I'm fine, Tom." I insisted, and looked up to see worry in his eyes. "Really. I'm feeling okay."
He pursed his lips, but didn't respond until I stood, then he stood with me, and watched me as I grabbed my coat from behind the door and shrugged into it before shouldering my backpack.
"Can you give me a ride?"
"Where are you going?"
"I need to see Summer."
"Don't you think calling her would be a better course of action? It's after nine."
I glanced over his shoulder at the microwave time and shook my head. "No. I owe her an apology that will never be acceptable over the phone."
"Then let it go until tomorrow. Give both of you some space."
I shook my head again. "I can't. Not after the way I acted."
"You got carried away, Bas. It's not like you raped her."
I froze mid-reach for the door handle and faced him. "She was raped, Tom, when she was fourteen, by the Pastor of her church who also happened to murder her mother in front of her."
Tom's lips parted in horror, but he didn't speak.
"You remember the man we met last week? Louis Davenport?"
He nodded.
"He was the Pastor's son, and Summer ran into him when we went to the movies. She was scared to death. It was that whole ordeal that turned her off to Christians. It's why she was so distant from God, but that chasm was starting to close, then I go and touch her and..." I shook my head as I gripped the door handle. "I could have ruined everything. I have to go now."
"Okay." He said softly, then crossed the living room to pick up Eustace, and wheeled it over to me with the cannula held out. "Then at least put this on, for my sake if anything, then I'll drive you."
Though I frowned at the thin tubing, I took it and wrapped it around my ears before sliding the cannula into place in my nose. Tom bent to turn on the oxygen, and watched me for several minutes as I took deep breaths. The sudden rush of air made my head swim, and I closed my eyes as I felt his hand brace on my bicep when I wobbled.
"You alright?"
I nodded, blinked several times before focusing on him. "A little lightheaded."
"You sure you don't want to wait?"
Shaking my head, I pulled open the door. I heard him groan behind me, but then the door closed, and he was at my side. He helped me into his car without a word, and cranked up the heat as we brushed snow out of our hair. Neither of us spoke the whole way to Summer's.
The porch light was on, but save for a single lamp glowing through the living room window, the house was dark. My eyes shot to the time on the dash to see it was almost ten. I didn't think she'd be asleep, but she had likely turned in for the night. I absently fingered the tubes of the cannula in my lap as I stared at the house. Snow was falling in drifts to blanket the car, melting into steam as it landed on the engine-warmed hood.
"Want me to wait a few minutes?" Tom asked. "In case she doesn't answer?"
I nodded without speaking, then with a deep breath, climbed out of the car, dragging Eustace with me. A cat leaped into the front window as I approached, and I paused when I saw it, having forgotten about Skittles. I could feel Tom's eyes on me as I rounded my backpack to my front and rummaged for a face mask. I didn't have one, and I wasn't about to go back and tell Tom that I would be entering a house with a cat after what had happened last time. I was lucky enough that Skittles was angled out of his line of sight.
With my eyes on the window, and the yellow eyes watching me with suspicion, I moved up to the front door and rang the doorbell. Several seconds passed before I rang it again, and glanced over my shoulder to see Tom raise in hands in question through the windshield. I mimicked the look, then rang the bell again. Nothing. From behind me, I heard the car door open, and turned to see Tom standing with one foot out, arm atop the hood.
"Come on, she's obviously sleeping."
I held up a finger, and he grumbled as he dropped back into the car and slammed the door. My hands were practically frozen as I pushed the bell again, and I was startled when my phone suddenly began ringing in my pocket. Pulling it out, I smiled. It was Summer.
"Yello?"
"Hey, I um—"
"I'm at your front door." I interrupted, and Summer gasped before the line clicked.
Dropping the phone back in my pocket, I rubbed my hands as I stood there shivering, until, at last, I heard footsteps approach from within. Turning, I gave Tom a thumbs-up, and he shook his head before backing out and driving away.
A second later, Summer pulled the door inward. She was wearing black fuzzy pajama bottoms with Pink Panther on them, and a long-sleeved Iron Man sweater. Her feet were bare, hair down and damp to fall long over her shoulders and between the arms she crossed against the cold.
"Sebastian, what are you doing here?"
"H-hi." I blurted on a shiver, not knowing what else to say. I was the epitome of smooth moves today...
"God, you're frozen half to death! Get in here!" She stepped back and held open the door for me, and I stomped the snow from my feet before dragging Eustace over the threshold.
"I rang your doorbell at least five times." I said, and shuddered as I shook the snow from my shoulders to soak her entryway rug.
"Oh, jeez, it's been broken since I moved in." She said as she closed the door.
"Good to know."
She helped me as I unzipped my jacket, my frozen fingers trembling on the zipper, then took it from me and hung it on the hall tree before turning to me as I frowned.
"I just wanted to say I'm—"
She cut me off by stepping into me and wrapping her arms around me. Breathing out long sighs of relief, she pressed her cheek against my chest, her hands clinging to my back as she held me.
"I'm so sorry." She breathed into me, and my brows narrowed as I stepped back to look down at her.
"Why are you sorry?"
"I didn't mean to upset you. I thought I was doing the right thing, but then you seemed so angry and—"
"And I am the biggest ass in the world." I interrupted. "Pardon my French..."
She rolled her eyes as she shook her head, a small smile forming in the corners of her mouth. "I just didn't want you to think I was rejecting you or anything, because I want to be with you, Sebastian, desperately, but..." She breathed out softly, her eyes on my chest. "I didn't want to be another Molly to you."
A lump hitched in my throat, and I sighed heavily before folding her back into my arms. "I am so sorry if I hurt you. You were only thinking of me and I was..." I swallowed and shook my head. "I was thinking with the wrong head. I'm thankful that you stopped me."
She leaned away again and looked into my eyes. "Are you really?"
"Yes. Because I want to be with you too, obviously, but... if my time really is up, I don't want to break a promise to God right before He opens the gates for me, you know? Seems in bad taste."
She smiled then, and inched up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek. "I was afraid you would never want to see me again."
My heart wrenched as I folded her close again. "Baby, that'll never happen. You're stuck with me till the reaper calls."
Though I heard her swallow, she didn't answer. Instead, she took my hand and led me deeper into the hall. "Come on. Let's get you warmed up."
She pulled me toward the living room, where I hesitated in the archway. My furry nemesis had moved from the window to claim the couch, and was watching me with intense scrutiny. Summer drew up short, her brows furrowed as she looked at me.
"What's wrong?"
"Cat." I said, and she turned to look at said fur ball.
"Crap, I forgot. One second." Leaving me, she crossed the room and scooped up Skittles, then told me to cover my nose as she passed me with her into the hall and carried the cat up the stairs. She returned a moment later empty handed. "I'm so sorry. I should have put her in the other room."
I waved a dismissive hand. "It's not like you were expecting me."
"Still, I've been curled up with her all night and now I've been touching you. Are you gonna be okay?"
I shrugged. "If I die, I die. What's a few weeks early?"
Her face sank into the most pitiful expression of horror that I had to laugh, and took her into my arms to kiss her head.
"I'm sorry. That was a bad joke."
"Extremely bad." She agreed, and nuzzled against me as she blew out a steadying breath. "Seriously, though," She began as she leaned away. "Are you gonna be okay?"
I nodded. "I'll be fine. Even better once I warm up."
Smiling lightly, she took my hand again and led me into the living room with me dragging Eustace behind. She sat me down on the couch and bade me to wait, then disappeared out of the room. Leaning back into the soft leather, I stepped out of my shoes and pulled the fuzzy blanket from beneath me. My eyes shot to the table, and I had to smile at the pile of books that were stacked at one end. They were all mine. Summer returned a moment later, carrying two steaming mugs, and paused beside the couch to smile at me, chuckling softly.
"Comfy?"
"Warm." I said, and gestured to the books.
"I take it you're a Bass Crawford fan?"
Her face bloomed into my favorite shade of blush as she handed me a mug and sat down beside me. "It just occurred to me that my niece has read more of your books than I have. So, I hunted some down."
"Are they any good?" I asked as I blew on the steaming cocoa.
She shrugged. "I haven't really had time to read them. But I'm more than halfway through A Single Day."
I chuckled. "That was my... third book, I think."
"It's great. I've laughed and cried and—"
"Probably rolled your eyes a thousand times."
"At least that many." She agreed on a grin, and I kissed her forehead.
"I'm glad you like it."
I took a sip of cocoa that scorched my tongue, then leaned forward to set the mug on the table. Summer pulled the blanket around the both of us, and nuzzled into my side as we both stared at the TV. I wasn't watching the show, and I didn't think she was either by the way she kept glancing up at me, but I was the most comfortable I could have been, just in her presence, and I let out a relaxed sigh as I held her to me.
"Kind of reminds me of us in a way." She said after a moment, and I glanced at her.
"What does?"
"Your book. How the main characters meet and fall in love in a single day."
I cocked my head as I nodded. "Yeah, kind of. I uh... I wrote that book after I got with Molly."
"Oh... that makes me feel better." She grumbled, then glanced up at me. "You seem to have a knack for love at first sight considering you claim not to believe in it."
I shook my head. "I didn't fall in love with Molly at first sight. I knew her for a few years before we dated since we went to college together, but once I asked her out, things progressed quickly, I guess. At least, that was the inspiration."
She huffed, but didn't answer, and considering the course of our day, that was probably the last thing I should have told her, but she didn't bring it up again, and we spent the next several minutes in silence.
"My brother wants to meet you, by the way." She said suddenly, and I glanced down at her.
"He does, does he?"
She nodded. "He told me tonight, wants to know if you'd be up for it when he gets back in town Friday."
I shrugged. "Don't see why not, I guess. You got stuck meeting my crazy brothers, no reason why I shouldn't meet yours."
She smiled when she looked up at me. "Your brothers are not crazy." At that, I arched a brow, and she giggled. "Okay, Ian is... a little. I mean, who doesn't like cheesecake?"
I chuckled. "I know, right? But I'm not as tight with him or the others as I am with Dev."
"Dev's a good guy." She yawned heavily and rested her head tighter against me. "He really seems to care about you. He was the only one beside your mom that I saw in tears before he'd even seen you."
I almost smiled, but didn't. "He broke down in my room this morning and cried like a baby. It was the first time in my life I'd ever seen him cry."
Summer made a soft humming sound of acknowledgement, but didn't comment as a faint meowing, followed by scratching on a door started drifting down the stairs. She glanced in that direction as she sighed.
"Poor Skit."
"You can let her out." I said, and she leaned up to gape at me.
"No way. She'll make you sick. Especially since you don't have a mask this time."
Shrugging, I pulled my arm away from her. "Long as she doesn't touch me, I think I'll be okay."
"You think."
I shrugged again. "If anything, I've still got the face mask from my oxygen in my backpack. The inflow of air would help block out her fur."
She shook her head. "I'd rather not take the chance of making you worse. Not when you're..."
"Dying already?" I finished for her, and regretted the look of heartbreak in her eyes. Lifting a hand, I skimmed through her hair, and she closed her eyes as a single tear fell. "Please don't cry." I whispered. "I've hurt you enough today."
She swallowed hard and took a deep breath before opening her eyes and wiping the tears with her sweater sleeve. "I'm okay."
I nodded slowly and lowered my hand to take hers. "Can I ask you to do something for me?"
She looked at me with narrowed brows. "Anything."
I stared down at our clasped hands as I spoke, her eyes burning holes through me with their intensity. "When the time comes, and I've gone home to Jesus..." She stiffened, and I smoothed my thumb gently over her knuckles to calm her. "I want you to try to forgive the man that hurt you. Could you do that?"
Her brows sank even lower as a visible shudder passed through her. For a long time, so long I thought she was going to ignore the request, she simply sat quiet. Then finally, she released a long breath. "You don't know what you're asking."
"No, I do. Trust me. And I know it will be the hardest thing you will probably ever in your life do, but... I also know that it will one day be the single most important thing you've ever done."
"Why do you say that?" She asked as she looked up at me.
Smiling just a bit, I lifted a hand to smooth her hair behind her ear. "Because it was for me. And I know that one day you're going to wake up and realize that the past doesn't hurt anymore. And it won't hurt because God will have liberated you from that pain. But, He can only do it if you let Him; if you forgive your wrong-doers and surrender the ache to God."
"Sebastian..." She swallowed hard, then shook her head. "I can't. It sounds... amazing; the idea of freedom, and I know it worked out for you, but... he hurt me so much. He stole everything from me. Everything." Her voice cracked as tears filled her eyes, and I frowned as I looked down at her.
"Not everything." I whispered. "Because you're still alive. You still have a beautiful heart that's full and willing to love and be loved. You have your effervescent spirit... your soul. Those are things that no one on this Earth can ever take from you... unless you freely give them."
She looked away, not saying anything.
"The day I went to see Molly in prison," I began, and she turned back to me. "I'd been out of the hospital for less than twenty-four hours. I was in so much pain..." I released a breath as I stared at the coffee table. "To be honest, I asked Tom to take me there so that I could rub it in her face that I was still alive, and pray that the devil gave her what she deserved. But when I got there, and I saw that startled look in her eyes, I realized that...if I did what I'd gone to do, I'd only be hurting myself. She didn't care about the pain I was forced to live with. I was out of her hands— not her problem. If anything, the fact that I lived would have been a relief to her, only because she could not be charged with first degree murder."
Summer exhaled slowly, her eyes staring into space as I continued.
"So by not forgiving her, I was only damaging myself further. I had a broken body already. Harboring that spirit of unforgiveness toward her would break my spirit, and I wasn't willing to take that from the hands of God, and give it to her for her victory."
"You are stronger than me." Summer said with a small voice, and I touched her chin to tilt her to look at me.
"No. I have no strength. I have nothing outside of God. He set me free, and I want Him to do the same for you. Will you at least think about it?"
She stared into my eyes for a long minute, then slowly nodded. "I won't make any promises, but I'll try."
Smiling, I kissed her forehead. "You will succeed. I have faith in that."
"This might be the first time your faith fails you."
"Not possible."
Her expression was unconvinced, but she didn't respond before her door was knocked on and she got up to go answer, returning a moment later with pizza. Supreme, if gauging by the smell of the peppers that was wafting from the box. She set it on the table and we each ate a slice before I pulled her close to me and let her nuzzle against my chest as we watched whatever was on. I wasn't much into television, so I paid little attention to the episode. Instead, I watched Summer. Her eyes were hooded, her arm loosely draped over my stomach, feet curled up behind her. When she finally fell asleep sometime after midnight, I scooped her up and carried her slowly and awkwardly upstairs to her room.
Skittles was laying on her bed, and she looked at me with the best expression of fury I'd ever seen on a cat. I stared at her from across the room for several moments. With my lungs sucking at being lungs, I could only hold my breath for about five seconds, and the cat showed no intention of moving. Frowning, I moved and set Summer on her bed anyway, then with all the courage (or stupidity) I could muster, I picked Skittles up, and held her against me while I tucked Summer in, then set the cat gently beside her.
I left the room pleading with my allergies not to kill me in my sleep.