Chapter 8
I scrolled through all the movies, trying to find something interesting to watch while my family went out together. As much as I would have loved to go where there are going, Not only was I in a very bad mood right now, I also didn't think I could handle being surrounded by so many people.
"Nolan, are you sure you're going to be okay?" Mom asked as everyone was getting ready to leave the house.
"Yeah, I'll be fine," I said. "I'll just watch a movie or two. Maybe nap for a bit."
"Okay, if you're sure," Mom said. "Just call us, any of us, if you need anything."
"I will," I said.
Once everyone left, I continued scroll through the movies before settling on one I've seen dozens of times. It started playing so I took the opportunity of being home alone to lie down fully on the couch, completing it with pulling a blanket over top of me.
A few minutes into the movie, the feeling I really didn't want to feel started to appear. I tried pushing it away. Tried to tell myself that I was fine.
Nothing was working.
I really was hoping that I would be fine staying home alone. It was something I needed to work on so I wouldn't feel so dependent on everyone all the time. I couldn't expect to always be around someone. I had to be fine being alone.
Yet I really wasn't.
I was trying my hardest to just focus on the movie. Sure, I've seen it many times before but that was why I chose it. I knew it was a movie I liked so I would have no problem watching it.
As it turned out, I did have a problem watching it. I really couldn't focus. Not when I was feeling so empty inside. I hated feeling this way but I felt like there was nothing I could do to stop this. I tried. These feelings wouldn't go away.
Tears were starting to form around my eyes, making it even harder to focus on the movie. I wiped my tears away, though that didn't do much. The tears only started forming again, no matter how hard I tried to stop it.
On top of feeling hopeless and empty, another feeling was starting to emerge. One I never wanted to feel again, especially when I was home alone. Already feeling so hopeless and empty.
The urge wasn't fading at all, so I reached for my phone, picking it off of the coffee table. I scrolled through my contacts until I reached my mom's name. My finger hovered the screen, wanting to just call her to tell her I wasn't doing so well. But I just couldn't. I didn't want to ruin my family's day. They've been waiting so long for this new arcade to open up, and I didn't want them to come home not even half an hour after they left.
I locked my phone, dropping it beside me on the couch. The urges were only getting stronger, so I sat up on the couch, wiping the tears from my eyes again. I paused the movie since I wasn't able to focus on it.
I looked around the room, trying to find something, anything, to distract me. My eyes first landed on my wrists, seeing the bandages wrapped around it. That only caused the urges to get worse. A lot worse.
My eyes then landed on my phone again, and I hesitated before picking it up. I went back to the contacts, this time stopping at a different name. One that didn't belong to my family. One that I was just starting to know.
I hesitated before tapping on Jerome's name then holding my phone up to my ear. The phone rang once. Twice. The came Jerome's voice. "Hello?"
"Hey," I said, my voice cracking without me wanting it to. "Are..." I took a deep breath, hoping the voice cracking would stop. "Are you busy?"
"I'm not busy," Jerome said. "Is everything okay? You sound upset."
I rubbed my forehead, preparing myself for what I was going to say so I didn't end up pouring out everything without wanting too. "I'm... I just... No, I'm not okay. My family went out and I thought that I was going to be fine being home alone, but I'm not and I don't want to ruin their day and get them to come home early."
So much for not pouring everything out.
"Can you... Can you come over for a bit?" I asked. "So I'm not alone? I-I'm sorry if it's a bother to you but--"
"Hey, it's no bother," Jerome said. "I'll head right over."
"You really don't have to..."
"Nolan, I told you that you can turn to me if you need someone to talk to. I'll be there in a few minutes, okay?"
"Okay. Thank you."
"No problem. I'll see you soon."
Once we hung up, I took a few deeps breaths to try to get the urges away, at least until Jerome got here. I hoped he got here soon. I didn't want to rush him or anything but... I just couldn't handle being alone anymore.
Why did I think I could handle it today when I was already feeling like crap?
As I was waiting for Jerome to show up, I started pacing around the house, trying to occupy myself.
It felt like hours before I finally heard the doorbell ring. I went down the stairs to the foyer, unlocking the front door before opening it to let Jerome inside. "I'm so sorry for calling you here all of a sudden," I said, closing the door behind him. "I'm just--"
"Nolan, I told you, it's fine," Jerome said. "You needed someone here, so I'm here."
"Thank you," I said. "Really. And I'm sorry for--"
"You don't have to keep apologizing for everything," Jerome interrupted. "Are you okay?"
I wanted to say yes. I always just want to say yes so I didn't have to get into everything. I wanted to say yes because it was a whole lot easier than saying no.
But because I always felt so comfortable around Jerome, I ended up giving him the answer I didn't want to say before I could stop myself. "No. No, I'm not okay. I just..." I rubbed my forehead. "I don't know. I just don't feel so good."
"Mentally?" Jerome asked.
"Yeah..." I said. "I just need someone nearby so..." This time, I was able to stop myself before I said way too much. "Want to watch a movie or... something?"
"A movie sounds great," Jerome said, so I led him upstairs to the living room.
"I already had a movie playing but I wasn't really paying attention, so I'll let you pick the movie," I said. "As long as it's not violent. I can't handle violent movies."
"Don't worry, I know a movie you might like watching," Jerome said.
I picked the remote off of the coffee table and handed it towards Jerome. Right as Jerome grabbed the remote from me, I noticed one thing that I wish I noticed before I let Jerome into the house.
I wasn't wearing anything long enough to cover my arms.
So Jerome got a clear view of my bandages.
I quickly pulled away, turning around so he wouldn't see the bandages anymore. "You... You weren't supposed to see that."
Jerome was silent for a bit before saying, "I've seen them before."
I furrowed my eyebrows, turning around to face him. "What?"
"Your bandages," Jerome said. "I've seen them before. When you were painting, your sleeved lifted up a bit. And when you were helping me pick up my stuff."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because it's none of my business and I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, especially if it's really what I think it is."
I looked down. "It... It is. That's... That's why I needed someone here. I have the urge to... to do it again so... Yeah."
"Well, I'm glad you called me," Jerome said. "And I'm guessing it's not an easy thing for you to talk about, so we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. We can just sit back, enjoy the movie, and maybe go to the painting place later if you're up to going out somewhere."
I couldn't help but smile a bit. "Thank you. For being so understanding and not pushy. It's weird, I feel like I can tell you anything without you judging me."
Jerome smiled back and tapped my nose. "And I feel the same way."
He then pulled me into a hug, something I really needed right now, and something that made me feel a lot more comfortable around Jerome.
He was just an amazing friend, and I was happy I decided to ignore all those rumours about him. After all, people should never really listen to rumours. You never know what someone could truly being going through.
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oof we got two gifs in this chapter, plus jerome and nolan had their first hug <3 lol it's just a hug but it's their first one so let's celebrate that.
anyway, i'm really loving this book <3 i like writing about jerome and nolan's friendship slowly blossoming into something more.
also i have A LOT more stuff planned so the book is going to get very interesting oof.