"EVERY TIME I THINK OF YOU, I ALWAYS CATCH MY BREATH"
2 weeks passed since my first victory, 2 weeks since the incident between myself, Lewis and Sebastian, 2 weeks since I had spoken to Lewis. I didn't intend to speak to him today, my mind was dragging me down as I thought about it all.
I didn't want to turn up this weekend but I knew I had to do it, for myself, for the team and for the fans. Sure I had received messages of support but in turn, I had received an equal amount of hate. Social media was a dark place in these times, the journalists weren't much better. There was a small handful of people I could trust right now, my brother, my close friend, Laura and Christian Horner, my team boss.
Walking to the garage on the Friday, I ignored the stares from everyone as I tried to keep my head high. I had my headphones in my ears as I walked, my hair covering them as I kept my eyes trained on the direction I was walking in. I could see my team and Max's team standing in the garage waiting, there was a briefing about to start and unlike everyone else I was going to turn up at the last minute to avoid any unwanted conversations.
When I joined, I noted that Christian gave me a small nod as I stood at the back away from everyone and their thoughts. "Thank you everyone for being here, I know this is a little later than we usually do it but we can begin now." He was a great speaker, not afraid of anyone or anything. "Last race we had a victory, given what happened after the race I would like to keep it short and sweet." I watched as he paced around the front before he stopped and looked out at everyone in the garage. "I am aware there are so people in this room that are not happy and seem to agree with the papers. Let me tell you, anyone in here who thinks an innocent woman who was trying to help out her fellow racing mates, is in the wrong then they can leave now. I will not tolerate that kind of behaviour here," Christian spoke up.
I leaned against the back of my car as a few people turned around and looked at me. It might have been two weeks but at that moment in time, it felt like just yesterday. Raising my eyebrows, I crossed my arms over my chest as I bit the inside of my cheek trying my hardest to keep civil right then and there.
"If you have nothing to say or you're not leaving, then I don't want to hear any more about it." Christian got everyone's attention back to the front of the garage.
No one spoke up, Christian then continued on with the briefing as normal. I listened from my spot, I really didn't want to be here today, I just felt like a bother. I suppose this was the problem with being a woman in a male-dominated sport. Women were sometimes driven by emotions and as much as I tried not to be, sometimes I just couldn't help it.
After the huddle, Christian dismissed everyone to get ready for the practice sessions. Taking my bag, I headed towards the back rooms where I would get changed. Just as I got to my door, I was stopped by Max. "Come on," he motioned the room as I was about to enter.
I went inside and he followed, closing the door behind him. "What's up?" I asked him as I looked away from him and started to take my clothes from my bag.
"Have you ever thought that last week might have happened because of your little fling with Lewis?" He asked me, getting my attention. I looked up at him with wide eyes, surprised that he knew, we were sure no one knew.
I shrugged it off, trying to act like I didn't care. "Not that it'd any of your business," I slipped my shoes off as I spoke. "Whatever it was, it's nothing any more."
Max laughed coldly, "I don't think he's quite got that message." He looked behind me, I turned around there on the sideboard was a bunch of red roses.
"Red?" I walked towards them as I picked them up. "It's a daring choice, don't you think?" I asked Max as I turned back and faced him.
"As much as I know he's sorry," Max told me. "I think you seriously have to think about your career and no one else's. Keep messing around with Lewis and you might not have a career or be your own person." He watched my reaction, my mind working overtime as I knew in some aspects he was right. "But, it's your choice, Pia, you're a grown woman."
Max opened the door to leave, standing on the other side was Lewis. I stared up at him, Max looked back at me, he was waiting to see what I wanted. Giving him a reassuring nod, Max stepped aside letting Lewis in before leaving, the door left open.
I hated him, I loved him. It was hard, staring at him made me weak. Every time I looked at him I had to remember to breathe. Even now, after everything. I didn't need this to be any harder than it already was, yet looking at him I knew I had to be strong.
"I had to see you," Lewis spoke as he looked at me before he kicked the door shut. My eyes followed the door that closed before I returned my gaze to Lewis. "I'm never going to be able to say sorry enough to you. I just want you to know that I love you, I don't want our relationship to be over."
Leaning against the wall, I decided to tell him what was on my mind. "If I forgive you, if we get back together, what does that mean for me? I don't want to be Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend, I don't want to be the female driver that's fucking you. I want to be known for me, I want to be Pia Hulkenburg, female Formula One driver. It's hard enough that I'll be forever tainted by you and Seb. My first victory will never be remembered as that, no one will think of me winning, it will be the day a girl got in the way of the two greatest driver's of our generation."
Closing my eyes I realised what had happened, the words I spoke ringing in my mind. No one remembers the good stuff if you have bad things. Pastor and Romain would forever be known as the men who crashed their cars, Daniel would be the happy smiling driver, things stuck.
"It doesn't have to be that way," Lewis told me as he stepped towards me, I opened my eyes and looked at him, my eyes wide.
Holding my hands up to stop him, I breathed in heavily. "It's never going to change, Lewis. Please don't think I don't love you, I do love you, more than anyone I've ever met." The words were hard to say, I knew I had hard decisions to make in my life. It had taken me so long to get to where I was, I didn't want to be just someone's girlfriend after all that time. "The time isn't right for you and I," I managed to force the words out. "If you can wait, however long it takes, then I'm yours. Until then, I'm sorry."
Lewis looked crushed, that hurt me more than anything. "Please-"
"Pia!" Christian shouted as he banged on the door to my room. "We gotta get going!"
"Coming!" I called out to him before I looked back at Lewis. "You have to leave, I've gotta get to practice."