Everyone has bad days. Sometimes they're worse than others. Sometimes you can feel it build, and you try to hold it in for as long as you can, but it eventually comes in crashing. A tsunami of emotions and all you have is a too-small life jacket standing in the shadow of the wave. Sometimes you don't see it coming at all.
It doesn't have to be anything big that triggers it. It gets worse around holidays and other special occasions. That's at least when I have the too-small life jacket. But sometimes it can come in the middle of a laugh when you realize the last time you laughed like this was with them, and then you become guilty to laugh so much without them. Loss is a strange emotion. An emptiness that cannot be filled, but you can sometimes forget that it's there.
My bad day's don't usually have to do with loss, sometimes I'm just so emotionally spent, or I've had too many good days in a row and life decides that I maxed out on happiness for a while.
I was having one of my worse bad days in a while. I don't know what caused it, but all of a sudden I became irritable, and I couldn't handle anything anyone was doing. I locked myself in my room, knowing that I wasn't pleasant to be around. Even I hated to be around myself. I hated feeling like this. I hated feeling irritable and horrible to everyone. I hated that I couldn't do anything. I hated that I knew that I shouldn't feel like this, and yet there was nothing I could do. I hated it. I hated how I treated everyone. I hated how I kicked Biana out and hurt her.
On Biana. Oh, I love her so much. I have been horrible to her, and yet she still hugs me, she still brings me tea, she still puts up with my moody attitude and crying in the middle of the night. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how much I appreciate everything that she's doing, but I just can't. I don't know why but I can't. The words don't form on my tongue, my mouth shielded shut. I try to show her with my eyes, but they're too bloodshot to make anything out. But she knows. That's one thing that I love so much about her, is that I'll make a hell out of everything, but she pushes through, loving me, and knowing that I love her.
Everyone has been so amazing. Dex the other day tried dropping off some chocolate, which lay untouched on my nightstand. Fitz tried to call, but I wasn't being the best conversationalist. My mom and dad called every day, my mom promising me to send me some mallowmelt, and my dad telling me all of the crazy stories that Verdi had gotten herself into that week. Tam and Lihn were away, so they didn't have to experience my bitterness. I sent them a text wishing them luck with their parent, which Tam sent back a snarky response which made me give a small smile. The first one in days.
I do go to class. Sitting through numb, dead to the world, not paying any attention, wishing for the day to go by faster, so that I could crawl into the safety of my bed. I walk to my classes, head down, music blasting in my ears, oblivious to the world going on around me, ignoring and avoiding most people.
I do have a confession to make though. I've been avoiding Keefe. I know I shouldn't, but I don't want to face him. He's seen some of my downs and knows some of my story, but this would be too much, and I just don't want to handle all that right now. I've seen him around, but I've kept making excuses that I was needed elsewhere. I know that he doesn't believe me, but he leaves me alone regardless, which I am grateful for. It hurts that I can't tell him. He makes me smile and laugh, and around him, I've felt things I've never felt anywhere else before. I want to run into his arms and just lay there until the darkness has passed. But if fear that if I do, I will shatter beyond recognition. I would be too broken.
It was my fifth day of darkness when the bell rang too loudly. They ring at the same volume every day, but today it was louder than usual. Today it was too much. Everything was too loud. Everyone was talking too much, laughing, smiling. Didn't they see the darkness that was creeping from the shadows? The one that haunts our nightmares are now stalking us in the daylight? I hid in the bathroom, waiting for the piercing bell to ring again. Once the stabbing pain in my head ended, that's when I realized that I was skipping class. I didn't mean to, but I had no motivation to go either. That's when I heard some girls enter. They weren't saying anything of importance. I wasn't listening until I heard one girl complain about her little sister who kept trying to steal her clothes. And that's when it hit me. It was my sister's birthday. How could I have forgotten?
I rushed out of the bathroom in a daze, not caring about the stares and whispers that followed. I couldn't see where I was going. I needed to get a present. But I couldn't. Why couldn't I? She liked pink things, right? And she wanted a dog. I need to get her a dog. But where would I find one? Why couldn't I get her one? I could swing by the house and drop it off. But I couldn't do that either. She wouldn't be home. Why wouldn't she? Edaline and Grady are supposed to be there. They still had to look over Silveney for a little while longer before she could be transferred. But that's not the house I was picturing her in. Why was I smelling smoke all of a sudden? Why -
I slammed into someone, having strong arms wrap around me pulling me into a hug.
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. It's ok. I got you. You're ok," the person said.
They smelled of warmth and familiarity. Their arms and the way they held me etched into my memory of the long nights where we held each other under the stars. I knew it was Keefe even when I had my eyes shut, scared to see what was actually in front of me. My mind playing tricks makes it hard to differentiate reality from a nightmare.
"I gotta- I gotta get a dog. She likes dogs. And - And I gotta give her, but she's not there. There's smoke there. She's - she's not there. But - bir-birthday. Carrots. She likes carrot - carrot cake. I-I need to get carrot cake." I was rambling. I couldn't make out myself, my train of thought jumping, ten steps behind, yet five in front.
I felt warmth on my cheeks, and wet. Why was it wet? Why did my eyes sting so much? Why couldn't I make sense of anything? "Come on. Let's get you out of here."
I don't remember much. The next thing I remember was I was sitting with Keefe on his bed, a cup of tea in my hands. It was too hot and yet I still held on. I calmed down a bit, but everything still felt so raw. So sharp.
" - Sophie" was what brought me out of my daze. He never called me Sophie. "Are you ok?"
No. No, I was not ok. I nod.
"I've been trying to talk to you for the past 20 minutes. You are not ok.
"Then why did you ask me?" I snap back.
"To see if you wanted to talk about it." I could see the concern in his eyes. The worry in his voice. I opened my mouth the respond, then closed it again.
"It's ok if you don't. Here, why don't you tell Mrs. Stinkbottom while I go make a quick call? I won't be far, and I'll be right back."
He placed the strange stuffed creature onto my lap as he went out into the hallway. It made me feel better once he left the room, I could finally breathe again, but an ache hit and I wanted him back soon. Despite the protests my stubbornness and pride made, I hugged Mrs. Sinkbottom into my chest, breathing in the comforting smell of Keefe. Too quickly yet not quickly enough he made his way back to my side.
"What was that about?" I ask, not daring to lift my head from staring at the top of the soft creature's head.
"I was asking Biana if she could send Ella and some of your other things over."
"Why?"
"Because as a wise person told me recently, it's dangerous to be alone in our minds."
"They sound like a smart person."
"Yeah, she is. I'm just hoping that she takes the same advice she gave me when I came to her mid panic attack a few weeks ago," he said placing the tea mug back into my hands.
"That depends."
"On what?"
"If you make me talk," I say in a small voice.
"Only if you want me to."
He wraps his arm around my shoulder, leaning my head onto his. We sit in silence, his hand rubbing my back in circles as I sit and let my mind wander. In a soft voice, he asks, "Was it someone's birthday?"
I look up, my eyebrows raised in surprise and inquiry. "You mentioned something about a birthday earlier when you were in your ... daze."
"I did? What else?"
"Something about a dog and carrot cake. You were kinda talking nonsense so it was hard to make out what you were saying."
Suddenly it all came back to me. Amy's birthday, the fire, the pain, but mostly the humiliation that I forgot that they were gone. Suddenly the mug in my hand was too hot, and I let go. It dropped onto the floor, spilling the tea across the floor, the mug splitting in half, skittering across the floor. That was the small thing that triggered it. All of a sudden the wave came crashing down in full force, and I let the water come. I curled into Keefe, staining his shirt with my tears, grabbing it with such a force, for if I let go, I would be dragged away with the tide. He was my lifeline and I was holding on for dear life.
He didn't say anything. Holding me, rubbing my back, soothing my hair. Never once tried to talk to me, just letting it all come out. The tea lay forgotten on the floor, getting cold as time passed by. Eventually, my breathing evened out, and I took a breath and tried to explain. He told me that I didn't have to talk about it, but I wanted, no needed to.
I told him about the fire that killed my family, my little sister who's birthday was the other day and the fact that I forgot her birthday, and then forgot that they were gone.
"Hey, hey, hey. It's ok," he said brushing his thumb against my cheek, brushing away a tear that I didn't know escaped. "You didn't mean to forget. And I don't think that they would take any offense to it."
He gave a shy smile, and I returned it. "Yeah. Amy would be rolling over in her grave if she knew I forgot her birthday though."
"You don't need to feel guilty about forgetting. You know that right?"
"Yeah, I know," I mumble.
He took my head in his hands, forcing me to look into his ice-blue eyes, filled with concern and emotion. "I don't think you do. There is no shame, nor fault. Do not feel guilty. Ok. They love you, and now you have Grady and Edaline who love you. You have all your friends and...and I, who love you."
"I know. And I love you guys as well. I just hate that I forgot. Also, sorry about your shirt. And for seeing me like this. I swear I'm going crazy-mmf."
I'm cut off by a gentle pair of lips meeting mine. "Do not feel bad. Honestly, you're beautiful no matter what, and everyone's a bit crazy. You care so much about other people, that you sometimes forget about yourself, which isn't good, but it's one of the things that I love about you."
I keep my forehead resting against his, drinking in his warmth and the sense of security that I'm feeling. "How in the world did I get so lucky to have you."
"It's more of the other way around. But next time you et into one of these moods. Find me. Please."
"I will. Thank you. I love you," I whisper, heat rising to my cheeks.
"I love you too."
I smile, chuckling a bit. "No, like, I love you, love you," after a beat of silence I quickly add, sitting up, "You don't have to say it back or anything like that, and I'm sorry if it's too early, I just thought -"
I get tackled, falling back onto the bed, Keefe's arms suffocating me as he barries his face into my neck. "Thank you," his muffled voice says. "No one has said that to me in a long time."
"Well, then I better start saying it more often cause it's true," I chuckle.
"Love you too, Foster."