Phoenix:// my immortal self
Invincible://incapable of being conquered, overcome, or subdued
I woke up, dazed, the cold concrete had invited the alps to visit during the night, it's silver touch sprawled across my back. I was freezing, yet still with all the emotions within me I didn't have the strength to move, instead wishing, hoping, praying I'd die here.
My body moved me involuntarily to an upright position, my hands trembling, while the rest of my body remained numb. I wasn't even sure of a heart beat anymore. Maybe I wasn't even human, maybe some creature of the night turned me, a welcomed change but that would be rather a unfortunate accident. A probability that would never befall me.
I walked out into the hall way, my body moving in zombie waves across the room, if I was me, I'd laugh at myself, now I lost the capacity to enjoy happiness. I glanced momentarily over the thrashed apartment. The ribbed apart banner, fallen streamers, necrotic balloons over the floor and that made me laugh. A laugh that rumbled from the pit of my stomach almost frightening in it's nature. It was low in tone but the pitch was high enough reverberating throughout the walls. And I laughed, laughed and continued to laugh until I fell against the wall crying again.
This isn't me
This isn't us Kendall
I sobbed, crumbling within my own hands.
You're stronger than this
Better than this
"I can't do this" I whispered aloud.
"Yes you can"
I sat up, pulling my knees away from my face, a woman smiled at me. Her eyes glowed with emotions, regret, relief, revenge, love. Her blond hair falling over her hand as she leaned over giving me a hand.
When did she get here?
"You're better than this" she said pulling me up. "You're better than this kenzy"
I swallowed, fighting the urge to be comforted. I couldn't allow myself to give in, to open up. I couldn't be vulnerable.
"I'm not in the mood for company"
She laughed. "More than I can say for this house"
"Leave" I said turning away, my need to be alone overwhelmingly more than thoughts of having my best friend comfort me.
"Absolutely not. If you want to hate me, be my best bet darling. I'm not leaving you to wallow in self pity and falling to some grievous asshole"
"You're on thin ground Phillisa. Tread lightly" I threatened.
She sat down folding her hands, staring me dead in the eyes. "I don't care"
"Why are you so damn stubborn?"
"Because I'm losing my best friend to her crazy ego and I'd be damned if I let that happen. You let him in didn't you!"
She was furious I could tell, even from the seemingly calm attitude she was displaying, I knew if he was here, she'd probably punch him in the face for what he did. For what I let him do.
"I'm not talking about this" I say burying my face in my palms against my knees. I just needed to be alone.
"He's going to ruin you"
Not anymore than he already has.
"You need to leave" I repeated, this time a little more adamantly than I had before, as I scrambled up, walking out on our conversation.
The bath door slammed behind me indicating how angry I was, how my heart ringed inside. But she was right. He ruined me. Now, now I didn't know who to trust. I couldn't trust myself. He took away the one thing I was sure about, he broke my heart, over and over and I let him. As the cold shower ran over my naked figure, I shivered, not from cold but how my entire life was taking a downward spiral. My fist folded as I gritted my teeth, this couldn't be me, this cannot be the end of my story. I wasn't done yet.
I refused to be conquered by this, refused to give in to this feeling of defeat. Now more than ever I refused to count on anyone but myself, to expect anything. I refused, adamantly, destructively and retroactively to seek from others anything within themselves that I cannot and will not find in me first. And if anyone should ask what changed, I'll tell them life.
I was taking back every part of me that fell. I deserved better and it was full time I treated myself that way. I didn't need a guy to make me happy, and I didn't need to depend on anyone.
I returned finding my apartment spick and span like the cleaning fairy passed through my apartment, Phillisa sitting on the sofa staring back at me. I didn't understand why she was still here, seeing worst that I treated her badly, I gazed at her, my feelings boiling down to mush but in the midst of my seething turmoil I still had a bit of conscience left.
"Phillisa"
She stood up sticking her hands into her pockets, looking like a little solider girl. I knew she liked to act tough, but she was all soft inside.
"Listen Kendall I'm not gonna sit around and let you mope around like some little lost dog without a head. Forget the asshole" her voice stinged with hatred. " you've seen me through my own bullshit I'm not gonna allow you to do this "
I glanced down listening but still feeling nothing. I didn't do all that just for her to help me when I was in my own bind.
"Yes but, I'm not .....I'm fine"
"I'm going out to get a few things, put on something pretty okay"
"Philly I'm not in the mood" I said taking a seat on the sofa arm, pouting. I just wanted to be alone. Why couldn't she just understand that!
"I'm leaving" she said loudly indicating that she didn't care. "I'll be back in half an hour or so okay"
***
I found myself dazed, bored and bewildered gazing through the window of the van. She'd taken so many detours to avoid the evening traffic, I stopped paying attention once we pulled out of the concrete city. Phillisa's definition of fun was probably going to the beach or something, maybe a club and it was way too early for that. Glancing to the side of the road I realised we'd left the city completely and was now speeding into the horizon of never ending pines. I sat up immediately recognizing the all too familiar empty road. The same road we were trapped on a few weeks ago.
The same road zombies almost came to eat my flesh.
I glanced at her, eyebrows knitted in confusion as a different set of emotions coursed through my veins. Andrew.
"Phil.....why are we heading this way?" I asked hestitantly, avoiding mentioning the name as if it was some dishonorable curse.
Fear over took over my body thinking of meeting him again. I didn't know what to say, or feel. If I should still be upset or just get over it.
"Phillisa"
She glanced at me momentarily before returning her eyes to the road. "I didn't want you to be anywhere that reminded you of him"
Everywhere reminds me of him. Even more so here!
Here reminds me of something I can't have!
Here reminds me of being stupid and too caring for people!
Here reminds me that I'm failing!
"Please turn back" I mumbled. "I can't do this"
"No. I want us to spend sometime together. Summer isn't finished yet Kendall and I want you to have some good memories to write about"
I slipped further into my seat, the further we travelled into the town. My first memories of Bahiea Bay was excitement and thrill, the second was fright and exhaustion, the third was meeting someone I'd forbiddenly gotten attracted to only to be told I was a nuisance and now my third was going to be the hand that tied the noose around my neck, kicking the bucket for me to hang. Yeah sure, memories to write about.
My hands clutched the dash board as I gazed through the windscreen squinting as we sped through the town. I wasn't exactly sure what I was seeing. The buildings now contained colours that breathed the summer air, vibrating with the wind. There was a new high sign with the governor welcoming guests to the town and as if by some invasion the streets were littered with people. Children with bikes and scooters sped along the side walks, blocking people's paths and knocking over boxes as if I was watching a movie, while adults yelled at them to go slow.
I smiled, it seemed as if summer was only beginning for them when it was only ending for me. I was giving up on anything good ever occurring again. I had enough of what summer had to offer and personally I wasn't appreciative. If I could have one wish, it'd be that we could finally have winter and I'd have moved on with my life forgetting all these melancholy moments all together. Even if they were bitter-sweet.
The van detoured down a dirt path and I was more than aware of where we were headed. I looked at her when the vehicle stopped and she let out an exhaustive sigh throwing up her hands.
"Wow" she said. "Well here we are"
"I can see that"
"Yup" she said flashing me a smile that made my stomach hurt. "Let's go"
"Wait!"
With a flash she was out the vehicle and walking down towards the boathouse. I sighed.
When the hell is she ever going to listen to me!
Having no other choice but to follow, I walked slowly down the path, the cool wind pulling through my hair and down my naked back. The air was saturated with the fragrance of pines and oak, a hint of salt mixed in reminding me of the open ocean. Birds sang to each other in the distance and for a moment I stood never thinking that I'd actually miss this. My mouth fall agape realising below, the rails that were put up on the board walk and the banner that hung on the side. Some celebration had taken place here earlier I realised, the streamers and small balloons still hanging from one side of the building.
I ran my hand against the wooden house standing in majestic glory of its overhaul, now a bright blue contrasting with the with the dark water that laid only meters away.
"I'm inside when you're ready okay" called Philly heading inside.
"It's opened?" I asked surprised.
"Yeah, I asked to use it today, just in case the weather had any surprises up its sleeves" she waved a triumphant fist in the air laughing before disappearing inside and I shook my head.
She was still the same crazy friend I knew. I took a deep breath gazing out at the still stream, listening to the rustling of trees for awhile closing my eyes. My waters rushed back a bit before quieting down, maybe this was exactly what I needed after all. Opening the door to the house, I tried to adjust my eyes to the darkened room wondering why the hell she'd ever stay in a place like this when a bright light flashed suddenly causing me to hide, squinting as I held up my hand shielding my eyes.
"Surprise!"
I jumped back startled at the surrounding exclamation around me.
What!
"Happy birthday kenzy!"
Birthday? What?
They started to sing the birthday song while I watched confused, taken aback and kinda overwhelmed. What the hell was going on? My eyes adjusted a few minutes after and I glanced around noting the people that were there. Tino, Brian, Mr and Mrs. Henderson. I smiled at the old couple. Heather, I rolled my eyes, while she stared, kitty who walked over to me with his tongue sticking out and I scooped him into my arms scratching his ear. But no sign of Andrew. My heart clenched a little realising that he wasn't here, maybe it was for the best, seeing well we weren't exactly friends anymore. He didn't have to care about my birthday. My eyes made contact with a laughing Philly and I knew I'd Kill her before the sun went down today.
Tino pulled out a chair for me to sit placing a small crown on my head before saying once again, happy birthday. I smiled and nodded, knowing if I'd say a word it'd just ruin the moment.
"You can seem a little more enthusiastic about your birthday you know seeing as we went through all this trouble" said Heather folding her hands.
I never asked you for anything!
"Oh no, I'm genuinely shocked" I replied. "This is my real expression. I'm honestly flabbergasted right now"
She huffed walking to the back hating me a little more and Brian and tino laughed together. I gave into the chivalry of the moment laughing and talking with everyone, talking about the presents and playing the childish game of pin the tail on the donkey, only that instead of actually pining a tail, I had to drink shots, tino knew better so Philly drank all my mistakes because I was definitely lousy at lining the tail.
I settled back into my chair when I heard a shuffling at the door. Turning, I lost my breath.
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Authors notes: hey now who could that be?
Thanks for stopping by lovelies, hope you all enjoyed the chapter😍
Charms💕