Chapter Eight
"Odessa might be coming back," Darin said after awhile of standing in the middle of her bedroom. She sighed, looking up from the details she was putting on the small bird she'd drawn earlier. Watching his face carefully, she saw a hint of pain.
"Ryan's really happy," he slowly stated and she narrowed her gaze. There was nothing on his face except a blank expression.
Before long, she stood and walked over to him, slowly placing her hands on either sides of his face. Turning his face gently with her hands, they locked gazes with one another. Haven was searching to find something that could answer her questions and Darin was searching for comfort in her eyes.
Sighing, Haven finally asked, "What's wrong, Darin?"
"She's a psycho, Haven. I don't say that to be an asshole; I say it because she's just dangerous. She has random outbursts, she beats on Ryan when she loses control and then she covers everything up with her little, innocent stares," he said before groaning and tearing himself away from her. Going over to the window, he stared out at the tree in the backyard.
"I don't know what to say, Darin," she whispered and looked down at her feet, slowly kicking them and moving around a small nail. They were bare and the ground was cool, but she didn't mind. All she had really been worried about was getting a sliver. Shaking her head slightly to clear her mind of thoughts of a sliver in her skin, she looked up and watched him as he continued to stare blankly at the tree.
"I don't want him to go through that, again," he mumbled as he stared out the window. It had began to rain, again, and Haven felt a gloomy mood pass over her for a moment. She ran a hand through her hair and groaned.
"Can we talk about something else, Darin?" She whispered, knowing how he felt, "I just . . . You're going to be really upset if we keep talking about Ryan in pain and I don't like seeing you that way. I don't like seeing people I care about in a mood like that . . . "
"You care about me?" He murmured, turning to her.
Without saying anything, she changed into a pair of jeans as he turned back toward the window. Then, she tugged on some socks and her Vans before going over to him. He was still staring at the tree, but that didn't deter him from responding to her silent words.
"What, Haven?" He asked, catching her off guard.
"I'm going for a walk; you can come if you want to . . . " She whispered before quickly running down the steps of her bedroom and sliding down the railing to the first floor before making her way out the front door. Before long, she felt the tears rush down her face that she tried so hard to contain, but could no longer hold in.
Everything seemed to be crumbling down around her. Her body ached and her head pounded. She could feel the depression coming back and the pain of losing everything around her crushing her heart.
She had nothing left.
Haven came to an abrupt stop from her running and collapsed in an alley way she'd managed to find her way into. She cried her heart out, laying on the rough gravel and letting it dig into her skin. Eventually, her silent sniffles became cries and her cries became screams. She hated her life and she just wanted it to end.
She laid in the same spot for hours. It grew dark and cold, but she curled up in a ball and held her knees to her chest. Few people passed her, only two making remarks about her current position. They all probably thought she was just an addict who was having a tough day; it wasn't like she didn't know how addiction was. She'd done that before.
Surprisingly though, she didn't care what they had to say . . . They left her be and that's all that mattered to her at the moment. She didn't need, nor did she want, some stranger pretending to care just to see what they could get out of her.
It took her some time, but eventually she stood and walked back to the foster home. She didn't need them thinking they had to call the cops because she was in trouble or for Maragret to think she was running away after giving her a place to call "home" for a little while. When she reached for the door, it swung open and Matthew stood in front of her.
"Get out of my way," she groaned as she pushed past him.
"No, Haven," he bitterly stated, attempting to block her way further. She glared at him, trying not to let him know she had been crying. He just stood there for awhile before he finally breathed out a fake sigh of relief and murmured to her, "You've been gone for a long time and I was worried about you. Where have you been?"
"Who gives a fuck?" She snapped as she made her way up the stairs.
"I do!" He yelled after her.
"No, no you don't, Matthew," Darin coldly snapped, walking out to the living room from the kitchen. They glared at one another for awhile, just watching each other to see if either of them had something else to add.
Finally, Darin spoke up, "All you want is to get in her pants and then you'll leave her laying there after you've gone and fucked her. The only thing is, that's not the real pounding she would get, is it? You wouldn't stay with her until morning, if you could, and you would never talk to her, again, Matthew. I've seen you do it; I know how you work. You don't care about anyone else but yourself and you could never love, nor would you ever deserve, someone like her. You're just a fucking man whore."
Matthew didn't say anything back. Glaring Darin down, he huffed after awhile and went over to the couch. The only thing that his actions told Haven was that Darin was right . . . Matthew didn't care about her and neither did anyone else.
With fresh tears in her eyes, she bolted up the steps and opened the stairway door leading up to her room. Slamming it behind her, she raced up her flight of steps and body slammed herself onto her bed. It didn't take long before there was a knock at the door below.
"Haven . . . ?" Darin called softly to her, "Baby doll, open the door . . . please . . . "
She stayed silent and eventually he quit begging her and walked away. She turned her tear streaked face toward the window and watched as the sky grew grey with rain clouds. Haven had grown tired of seeing the familiar overhead and tears welled up in her eyes once again, only to spill out at the exact moment the rain started to pour down.
She buried her face in her pillow, screaming and crying for someone to come and help her, even though she knew no one would. For a moment, she felt completely alone; it was like the whole world had given up on her and she was left to fend for herself.
"Haven, please!" She heard now from the bottom of the steps. She couldn't tell if the door had been open or not, but soon after the begging started up again, she felt Darin's warm hands on her back. He rubbed soothingly, gently comforting her with his words.
"Shh . . . Haven? Baby doll, it's okay; I'm here . . . " He whispered, lifting her into his arms. He craddled her and leaned his back against the head board to support them, "Honey, shh . . . I'm not going anywhere; I'm here for you. I'm sorry I left you alone . . . I'm so sorry . . . I promise I won't do it, again."
After awhile, she calmed down. Her body seemed to relax and she didn't feel so lonely, anymore. Then, she realized something that she should've know before getting attached to Darin and it made her sick to her stomach.
"Everyone that's ever said they wouldn't leave me, has done just that . . . " She whispered, her voice clear with pain and desperation.
You're so pathetic . . . She thought to herself, It's like you're begging him to stay with you; begging so he doesn't leave your side like he will one day. It's not like he loves you or wants to be with you -- maybe he doesn't even like you and he just pities you, just like everyone else has ever done.
"Am I just like everyone else . . . ?" He murmured the question softly to her.
The room fell silent after that; the only sound was coming from their shallow breathing. She closed her eyes, leaning against his chest and taking in his warmth. The rise and fall of his body with each breath brought comfort to her and she felt that, for a moment, someone understood and wanted to help.
"I'm thirsty . . . " Darin mumbled, breaking the silence.
"Go get something to drink," she responded, sounding drowsy.
"I don't want to leave you alone . . . " He admittedly whispered. For a moment, Haven wasn't sure if he had meant it, but it didn't matter. It felt good to hear that, for once in her life, someone was either telling the truth or a lie to comfort her . . . and the fact of the matter is, that if they're willing to lie to comfort you, part of them has to care, even if the rest of them doesn't.
"I don't want you to dehydrate," she threw back after a moment of thinking.
"Haven . . . "
"Darin," she played a game with him, causing him to scoff.
"Haven," he said, further emphasizing her name.
"Darin!" She whined back.
"Stop that," he spat out, slightly annoyed and slightly enjoying what she was doing.
"No . . . " She said, drawing out the word while adding emphasis to the curiosity hiding in her voice, "You stop that."
He clenched his jaw and fought back a smile. She grimaced a little, not being able to help herself and he chuckled in response. Then she laughed, causing him to laugh even harder at her expression. Through their laughing, Haven felt a kind of connection with him and flirtatiously hit him with a pillow.
"Come on, let's go get something to drink . . . " She finally said, giving into his silent pleading for her to go with him so he knew she was okay.
He nodded and they stood together. Slipping out of her Vans, she walked with him to the kitchen and hopped up on the counter. He tossed her a SoBe water and smiled before walking over and leaning against her leg.
"Have you ever thought about de-"
She was cut off as a door slammed and Charlie trudged into the kitchen, murmuring a slur of swear words and his boss' name. The two teenagers smiled at one another right when Charlie saw someone else was in the room.
"Oh," he said, surprised, once he noticed Haven and Darin in the kitchen. For a moment, he seemed flustered and unsure of what to say before he sighed, "Please, pretend you didn't hear a word of what I was saying."
"What are you talking about?" Haven asked while Darin chuckled at his embarrassment.
"Atta girl," he laughed, dropping his keys on the table and pulling off his coat. After hanging it up on the rack, he asked, "What are you two doing up so late? You both have school tomorrow. I thought Maragret told you, Haven. We enrolled you; it starts tomorrow."
"You're kidding, right?" Haven asked.
"Nope, go . . . Upstairs, now," he said and they grumbled back incoherently. Smiling, he called back, "Goodnight, you two."
"Night!" They called to him, at the same time.
Once they made it upstairs, Darin ducked into Haven's room with her and rushed up the steps. She stifled one of her laughs and followed him. When she made it to the top of the steps, Darin was outstretched on her bed, leaving enough room for her to lay next to him.
She smiled slightly and made her way over to the bed. Then, she slipped off her skinny jeans and shirt and knelt down next to her satchel. Grabbing out a muscle shirt, she pulled it over her tank top and laid in bed next to him.
He smiled sweetly at her and she returned it with a weak one of her own. They laid in silence before they heard Charlie's bedroom door shut. Then, Darin cleared his throat and spoke softly to her.
"What were you going to ask when we were in the kitchen?" He murmured, watching as she played with a hair tie on her wrist. She shrugged, causing him to groan in displeasure, "Come on, Haven. I won't judge you; just tell me . . . "
"But it's a secret . . . " She whispered, not wanting to ask, anymore.
"I can keep secrets," he said with a weak, pleading smile.
She took a deep breathe and blew it out through her mouth before speaking, "Have you ever, I don't know . . . considered, that maybe . . . death would be better than living this hell? That killing yourself would be a nice way to end your pain and suffering?"
"You want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die . . . " She mumbled and he grew silent.
After awhile, Haven sat up and crossed her legs so she was sitting Indian style on the bed, facing Darin. They watched each other for awhile before she looked away from him. She stared longingly out the window before he broke the silence that had been growing between the two of them.
"Why do they commit suicide, then . . . ?" He asked, hesitant with his choice of words.
"They commit suicide to put an end to what seems like never-ending pain," she whispered. "They commit suicide because they're suffering so much and so deeply, that they don't think anything else but the pain exists . . . They see no promising future; just more suffering as they grow."
"Do you want to put an end to the pain?"
"You didn't answer my question," she murmured.
He stayed silent for a moment before she looked at him. Their eyes connected for a moment before he spoke, still holding her gaze, "Yes, I've thought about killing myself. I've thought about just getting rid of myself so no one would have to think about me or worry about me or even fucking deal with me anymore . . . They wouldn't even have to know I killed myself. They could just think I went missing."
"Is that why you're in foster care?" She asked suddenly.
"No," he coldly snapped.
Haven knew he wasn't mad at her, so she let it go; the last thing she wanted was for Darin to run out on her again, only to come back later with an apology. She looked up toward the window and stared at the raindrops that had stopped falling, but were now littering the glass. She started remembering the conversations and looks and secrets that had already been shared with one another. . . She thought about how life would be without him, but she couldn't fathom the idea of his death.
"Do you want to end the pain?" Darin whispered the question, again. She sighed, looking at him and then back to the window. She nodded slightly before opening her mouth to speak out loud what she's been wanting to get out for so long.
"Darin . . . I just want to end everything. I want to end remembering everything that went wrong and everything that is wrong . . . There's so much . . . There's so much that just that isn't right with me . . . " She whispered before sighing.
After a moment of not saying anything, she murmured to him, again, "I just want to die because I know the pain will stop, then. I want to stop it and I don't want . . . I don't want anyone to try and save me, anymore . . . "
"Why not?" He asked after listening to her speech.
"Because that means they're going to get hurt . . . " She admitted, "No one can save me anyway; I'm nothing but a lost cause."
They grew silent, again; Darin was now thinking over Haven's words and watching the misery on her face and in her eyes intensify with thought. The only sound came from the rain as it began pelting the windows. Their shallow breathing was barely audible over it. Haven laid down eventually and closed her eyes. Darin knew she wasn't asleep and gently rested a hand on her arm, letting her know he was still with her.
She smile slightly before it fell again. Then, without warning, she moved herself so she was pressed against his chest and his arms were wrapped around her small body. Her eyes stayed closed, hiding her anguish. Despite the grief building inside, she felt a sense of belonging with Darin . . . It was odd; something she'd never felt before.
"You tell me you don't want anyone to save you . . . that no one can," he stated, watching her brown eyes as they opened and flickered from his eyes to the window behind them. He watched her fora moment, growing uncomfortable with what he might say before he finally murmured, again, "I'm not done . . . I'm not giving up, Haven . . . but do you know why?"
"No," she whispered, unsure of it she wanted to hear what he had to say.
"Because . . . " He murmured, wrapping his arms more tightly around her. She was pulled closer to his chest and she sighed as he pressed his lips to her forehead. He whispered to her, again, as she drifted off into peaceful sleep, "You aren't a lost cause to me . . . "