"Happy birthday."
The thought of being eighteen had never been so bittersweet until the moment of 12:01 in the morning the day of my birthday. I sat in my bedroom, watching videos on entirely nothing important. Cat videos, how morticians did their jobs without breaking down, why hurricanes happen, etc...Anything to distract myself from the thought of another birthday passing me by and me still feeling as though I hadn't accomplished anything.
Arrie had taken over Sam's room since Sam spent all of his time off the record. So, Arrie and I sat in Sam's bed quietly doing our own things until Arrie finally muttered birthday wishes to me before hopping off the bed and tearing the room apart in search for something. We sat in this room instead of mine because I had the strongest urges to let my eyes roam out my bedroom window to catch a glance of Ashton in his room and long for some romantic scene in a movie to happen to us. I always had such high expectations for Ashton and I, then I would see Ashton on top of Veronica in his bedroom, kissing all over her body. Stupid expectations they were, when I began to feel as if he purposely kept his curtains opens and his blinds up so I would see how much he never meant anything that he said to me.
Dad was asleep still, waking in about thirty minutes tops to prepare for work then leave, so I didn't expect him to anything to me until his shift was over in the afternoon. Honestly, I didn't expect him to say anything to me at all, ever, because Sienna was gone again; leaving some time in the middle of the night during the week after dad had left for work and while I was gone at school. Sure, the whole situation was shitty but it didn't really bother me that much anymore. Who needed inconsistent people in their lives anyway?
I looked up to Arrie, confused. He handed me a box wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper, something we had stored away in our special Christmas storage closet downstairs. Even birthday and get well soon gifts were wrapped with the paper year round. "What's this for?"
"I thought I should give you something for your birthday. We've gotten pretty close and I like to think of you as my only friend." I felt him shrug his shoulders as he sat close to me in the bed. So close that I could feel his body expanding each time he deeply inhaled. I had never thought about Arrie in a romantic or sexual way. He wasn't my type, but then again, I didn't know what my type even was. Surely, my dreams had replaced Ashton with Arrie once or twice and I had sexual dreams about the older man, leaving me confused for the rest of the day and distracting my thoughts from going to Ashton. But I knew that was wrong. The dreams were wrong. Arrie was here to protect me, not be some silly rebound to make me feel better about the things going on with Ashton and I. I knew better.
To some extent.
In the box was every game of God of War ever created to this day. I had mentioned a few times if I had to play any video games, those would be my choices because I had watched the walkthroughs on YouTube and thought they looked fun. Buying gifts for me was hard, I never spoke about the things I liked or the things that made me happy. That was why I usually ended up with gift cards from my parents and my grandparents on every holiday. I had issues expressing when things made me happy or caught my interest. One of my many flaws. Below the games was a framed picture of Arrie and I before one of the school's football games. I think it was the second or third one he had accompanied me at, he was tired after a streak of insomnia, but he still made it a priority to go to the game because he was so worried something would happen to me no matter how many times I told him a high school football game was the least likely place for me to get kidnapped or murdered. I did like sentimental gifts like this, I loved pictures. Freezing a moment for the matter of eternity did make me happy.
"I'm surprised you remembered it's my birthday." I chuckled lightly, staring at the photo. I tried to place myself back into that exact moment, to feel the exact emotions I felt that night. I couldn't remember. I definitely looked happier in the photo than I currently was. Maybe it was because Evelyn had told me a joke or said something random and out of pocket to make me forget the circumstances I was in at the time.
Arrie reached for the frame, taking it into his own hands. I looked to him with a soft smile as his eyes scanned the photo. I hated the precise moment when I realized myself catching silly feelings for someone because I noticed something small they did. Once, I thought I was in love with Luke because I liked the way he chewed his gum and looked like a total douche that could ruin my life. Another time, I liked the way Michael dragged the pads of his fingers up and down my spine when he hugged me and I thought I was crushing on him. Now, I liked the way Arrie's hand looked so aggressive, but so gentle as he held the frame and I wanted to date an older man for the sake of his hands. The feeling was only temporary though. Just not as I attached my lips to Arrie's and neither of us had the desire to pull away and say this was wrong.
His fingers tangled in my hair and God, it drove me so insane how rough he was with that single action. Arrie knew exactly how to touch me and where to touch me to make me moan into the kiss. Could Ashton ever? I don't know. Screw him, I didn't need him.
I straddled Arrie's lap, deepening the kiss further. And it was just like that, things escalated so quickly, then turned into absolute regret when I lied down in my own bed after taking a shower to rinse away the guilt and dirty feeling I had.
There wasn't much for Arrie and I to say after we were done.We quietly put our clothes back on and parted ways without a mutual agreement on what to do after this. Was this a moment of shit happens? Were these the kind of mistakes adults made? Maybe I needed a therapist and long day of sleep to figure out what all my problems were and how to make things better.
-
Happy vibes were at every corner of the table I sat with Michael and Luke for my birthday breakfast. Calum didn't matter. Ashton and Veronica didn't matter. Sienna didn't matter. Fucking Arrie on impulse didn't matter. The Trifecta was stronger than ever. Sometimes it took a good falling out to rebirth a friendship that was better than before. Luke and Michael were my family, the strongest sense of family I had ever had and I didn't realize that until now. No one would have my back like the two of them. They'd kill for me and I'd do the same for them.
"Are we officially going to Lydia's for New Year's Eve?" Michael held the door open for us as we each exited the twenty four hour breakfast diner, feeling full and happy. On my very own day, I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted to do, but any other day I could think of about ten things I wanted to do in the span of five hours. Sometimes I was stupid.
"I told my mom Sage was going, so she's all for it." Luke hopped into the back seat of the Buick. Luke was strictly unwelcome in the passenger's seat in Michael's car because he toggled with all the knobs and pressed all the buttons and Michael hated to have his music changed in the middle of a nice drive.
"Nothing exciting happens here, so yeah. Why not?" I agreed. The most exciting thing to happen to me all year was last night with Arrie even when guilt was starting to eat away at me. I wasn't that kind of girl, I wasn't Elizabeth or Veronica who just did stuff like that all the time because it made them feel good. I was becoming so toxic.
After breakfast Michael forced us to go bowling. I lost. It was terrible and reminded me of why I hated bowling so much. Then we had lunch that served ginormous burgers and way too many fries for one person to consume. After lunch, Luke wanted to take me shopping so I could pick out my own gifts because he was so lost at what he was supposed to get me if I hated so many things. Everywhere we went the two guys mentioned it was my birthday, so I'd get unwanted attention and many, many discounts or free things.
The evening could creep upon anyone when you were having fun and it did just that to us when we were out. Before I knew it, I was back home, stuffing my face with a cake that Liz had made for me. Who needed to eat dinner first? Not me. Being able to put my pajamas on after being out all day felt incredible. When I was able to remove my socks and et my bare feet touch the cold hardwood flooring of the first floor in my house, I think that was what being in love felt like. Arrie was still avoiding me when I got home and I was still avoiding him, but at some point we would have to talk and put everything behind us.
Pajamas and cake were a beautiful combination. This was truly adulthood for me. Adulthood also me anted being disturbed by the doorbell while watching television.
"Hey." Ashton rocked on his feet at my doorstep, his hands behind his back.
"What do you want?'
"I heard it was your birthday." He smiled even though I could tell he was trying to force the smile away. He moved his hands forward, holding out a gift bag. "Happy birthday."
"You didn't need to get me anything." I cautiously took the bag from Ashton as I stepped aside to let him in the house.
I was in the mindset that if Ashton could be nice enough to get me something for my birthday without me ever mentioning my birthday to him, then I could be nice enough to let him in my house. The storm rolling through was also starting to get out of control too.
"I wanted to." He nervously chuckled, shrugging his shoulders.
I shook the gift bag in the air. "Does your girlfriend know you got me a birthday present?"
"Let's not talk about Veronica for once." Ashton led himself to the kitchen.
I felt he was secretly hanging out with Michael and getting advice from him on what to do when he got to my house. While Ashton served himself something to drink I dug through the bag and picked out the gift. A worn down copy of The Social Animal by Elliot Aronson was in my hands. One of the most impossible psychology books to own was in my hands.
"This book is impossible to get..." I ran my finger over the spine of the book. "How did you get it?"
Ashton leaned against the counter when he turned around to face me. "Went to a book store with my mum the other day. I knew your birthday was coming up and I knew that you're obsessed with psychology so I bought it."
The next gift was Polaroid taken of us at the first party we went to at Calum's. Someone was going around taking candid shots of everyone with their camera. I had completely forgotten about the phot because I let Ashton keep it, having no desire to keep a memory of him at the time. The photo did justice describing our friendship - or whatever you wanted to call it - I was cringing at something Ashton had said and Ashton was grinning back at me, pleased with my reaction. If anyone needed clarification about what our friendship was like, they just needed to look at this photo.
"You kept this?"
"Yeah, I thought I'd give it to you in case you decide to leave after high school, so you can remember that idiot that was always making you mad." Ashton chuckled, grabbing the picture to study it even though I had a feeling he had admired this photo more often than anyone could get him to admit.
"You leave a lasting impression people, Ashton."
"I get that often." He lied the picture on the counter. "And not in a good way.
"Yeah..."
At least he was aware.
"Is it weird that I feel like you're forgetting about me? Or that you will eventually forget about me?" He set down his glass then picked up the book he got me, skimming through the pages.
"I don't know..."
"You were one of the first friends I made here and it would suck if we just lost touch." His hair fell into his eyes since his attention was focused downward on the book in his hands.
"You've kinda forced me to try to forget about you...with your girlfriend and all." Maybe a lot of things could've been avoided on my part especially if Ashton hadn't decided to do a few select things, testing my impulses. But here we were and nothing could be taken back or changed. We were stuck in the consequences.
"Can I be honest with you for like ten minutes?" He marked a page with his pointer finger and closed it, making strong and uncomfortable eye contact with me.
"Go for it."
"Elizabeth forced me to ask Veronica out so we could double date with her and Calum. Also to kind of make Calum's shitty life, go a little better right now. I never had intentions of things going this far with Veronica, but I don't know how to end it with her. She's nice, don't get me wrong, but she's super insecure and gets jealous so easily. She gets possessive whenever she sees you enter the room and I feel like I can't breathe." He tapped his visible fingers along the cover of the book. "But then, sometimes it's nice to have a distraction from you because I can't actually have you. But I've finally realized how much I've hurt you and I've lost any chances of us being together."
"Sucks doesn't it?" I said under my breath.
"Yeah, it does." He agreed. "Continuing the trend of being honest..."
I hated and loved honesty. It could either make me happy or sad and right now I didn't feel too good about any of this stuff I was hearing. So what if Ashton and Veronica were put together for Elizabeth and Calum's sake? It still didn't stop the two from being together. It didn't stop Ashton from sleeping with Veronica, from holding her hand, from spending most of his time with her. He still did that stuff at his own will.
"I love you."
"Yeah, sure you do."
Both mine and Ashton's attention shot to Arrie's surprise arrival in the kitchen. Of course, I couldn't say I loved Ashton too after having sex with Arrie last night. Sure, I was stupid, but not stupid enough to say that right now. I was unsure of my feelings with Ashton anyway. I couldn't lead him on, as much as I wanted to be the physical karma that ruined his life. Also, I didn't want Arrie to call me out. Arrie and I were one secret I wanted to take to my grave.
"Yeah...maybe you're right." Ashton nodded his head. He lied the book down on the marked page or pages then placed his glass in the sink. "It's late. I should get going."
"It's only 9:45." I said a little too desperately.
"I told my mum I'd be back by 9:30."
If he wanted to leave, the door was right there waiting for him. He gave me a few more birthday wishes before awkwardly hugging me.
Once he left I gathered all of the tissue paper back into the gift bag and lifted the book he bought me to shove the Polaroid in it. A yellow post-it stuck to page twelve, his messy handwriting leaving a note for me on the post-it:
Though I haven't told you how much I care, how much you mean to me, it's not good to say that I don't value you. If you only knew how much fear I hold of losing you then you'll understand how much I care.
It's been so long I'm so sorry work has been awful but here you go please enjoy
Hi ally
Hi Evelyn