Or, Feng He is jealous because he thinks he is just like every other groupie...with benefits.
People were starting to come up to Cheng Qing more often. Some would take candid photos when they thought he wasn't looking. Others would come up to him and insist he sign something of theirs; one or two crazy fans insisting he sign something a little more intimate.
Feng He had tried his best to ignore it but every time someone pushed him aside or acted like he wasn't there, it reminded him that Cheng Qing had a career that would never allow him to declare that he was in a relationship with a man.
It didn't matter that Feng He wanted nothing more than to see him succeed and rise to the top. Cheng Qing deserved that more than anyone he knew. He just didn't know how to be in love with someone whom everyone loved as well.
All the attention had coincided with the shows debut. But it had become increasingly hard to avoid his fans as both he and the show gained popularity. Cheng Qing was well on his way and there was no limit to what he could do...if he just played along with the fans idea of him being single, willing and available.
Unfortunately, Cheng Qing didn't like the attention any more now than he had before. He'd taken to wearing a disguise even when he came to school – Feng He's wardrobe providing the necessary camouflage when he's designer clothes stood out too much.
There were still some diehard fans who followed him around but most people respected his desire for privacy after his earlier reaction to a few overzealous students had found its way around the grapevine. They said he preferred giving offence rather than giving in and disappearing rather than dealing with unreasonable demands. Everyone was trying to be polite and understanding so they only ever came up to him between classes.
That was not the case when he left the school.
He had been followed around and harassed on more than one occasion and although they had pulled the trick of trading clothes with Feng He on the spur of the moment a few more times, some fans had caught on to the trick and were no longer as easily fooled.
They took to following Feng He some of the time because they had realized the two would probably meet up and he was as good as gauge of Cheng Qing's presence as any spotter. If they could not keep track of Cheng Qing, then his 'brother' was fair game.
"I think you should just lay low for a while." Feng He said as the crouched down behind a pile of carton boxes. The cardboard cubes were piled high in the alley they were hiding providing adequate cover. Perfect for avoiding the mob of fans that had followed them from the restaurant where they were eating dinner.
"I thought we were safe in a place like this?" Cheng Qing answered frustrated by the fact that he couldn't even get a meal without people giving him a hard time.
"Maybe next time you should wear a better disguise." Meng Meng offered unhelpfully.
"Or you should go out alone and the rest of us will just stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet." Feng He said not hiding how upset he was about the whole situation.
"I thought you wanted to try out the new restaurant?" Cheng Qing asked softly. His voice a complete contrast to Feng He's belligerent tone. "You were so happy when I got complementary passes to their buffet because of the show and I just wanted you to enjoy it. You wanted to try everything this chef could cook because he's supposed to be the best."
"I know what I said. You don't have to repeat all of it to me. I just didn't think I would be hiding behind these cartons after the meal instead of getting home so I can get some studying done."
Meng Meng watched the back and forth between them like it was a high speed ping pong game. She did not speak a word, she just observed them. It was the perfect conversation to incorporate into her current story idea and she really didn't want to miss a thing.
Her creative curiosity aside, Meng Meng didn't understand why they were fighting.
It wasn't Cheng Qing's fault that the fans had found them and chased them down this road. There was a fan site that was dedicated to that and it was anyone's guess who had posted his whereabouts. It wasn't like Feng He didn't want to be there, he obviously did because he could have just left Cheng Qing at any point in the chase if he was really that upset.
Meng Meng knew something was going on between them but she couldn't say what it was. Not with any certainty. Until Feng He stood up and walked away with a huff only to return five minutes later holding a hat and glasses. He traded his jacket with Cheng Qing then put the impromptu disguise on his brother. "Let's go before someone else notices us here and wants you to sign their breasts or something."
"Their breasts..." Meng Meng mumbled in shock but neither of her friends noticed her surprise.
Cheng Qing followed Feng He's instruction without question and Meng Meng followed closely behind them. She was staring at Feng He, who wasn't really trying to hide from the fans any more. He was walking with his head high and occasionally brushed his hand against Cheng Qing's like he needed to assure himself that the other man was there. Like he wanted to brand him. To show everyone exactly who Cheng Qing belonged to. But something was stopping him.
That is exactly what Feng He wanted to do. Stake his claim and let the chips fall where they may. But he was afraid. Afraid of what the fans would say. Afraid of what Cheng Qing would do. Afraid that if he tested his place in Cheng Qing's life, he would be left behind. Left alone.
Feng He had already called a cab and it arrived just as they were leaving the alley. He was doing his best to ignore his best friend who was staring at him intently, but he had all her attention when he shoved her into the front seat so he could sit beside Cheng Qing. Feng He just didn't have the strength needed to be parted from his boyfriend. Not now...maybe not ever. But it felt inevitable.
"Are you jealous?" Meng Meng asked cautiously looking back at Feng He when they finally settled in the cab and he once again gave the driver their address.
"What are you talking about?" Cheng Qing asked dubiously.
He was looking at Meng Meng like she had lost her mind. Then he noticed she wasn't looking at him. Turning to Feng He he saw the other man with his mouth open but nothing was coming out. "Wait...are you..."
"No." The denial was too fast and too loud in the small space to be the truth.
"You know you have nothing to be jealous of." Cheng Qing said to Feng He the minute they entered their apartment.
Nobody had wanted to talk in front of the cabbie. There was no way of knowing who he would repeat what he heard to. The silence had been heavy and uncomfortable. But now that they were back in their home there was no need for caution.
Feng He felt like he was about to explode but he was trying so hard to keep it together.
"A He...did you hear me?"
"Does it matter?" Feng He asked softly. All the fight leeching out of him and leaving him looking sad and defeated. "The way those girls act like they own you. The way they can do anything with you...to you...in public. The way they are all over you. It's perfectly normal.
"But if they saw us together they would be uproar. I don't get to be anything other than your brother in public. But in private? If they knew what happens behind closed doors they would be disgusted with us. With me!"
Meng Meng couldn't believe what she was hearing. But as exciting as it was to get confirmation of her secret desire, she hated hearing Feng He sound so lost. So hurt.
She hated that she was crying when she heard him say so softly it was barely audible. "I hate that you make me feel so uncertain. That all I want is to know where I stand. Except I already know where I stand. I'm just the guy you're fucking."
"That is not true!" Cheng Qing denied vehemently.
He turned Feng He around from where he stood facing away from him and pulled him into his arms.
"Of course it is. Isn't that why I'm your dirty little secret? You won't even tell Meng Meng the truth." Feng He said with his face pressed into Cheng Qing's shoulder. Seeking comfort even though he didn't think he deserved to be there.
"She already knows." Cheng Qing confirmed with a small smile of acknowledgement at Meng Meng. "She's always known how I felt about you. That's why she sent that note. Why she played us like she did. Why she writes those stories."
"What stories?"
"Never mind."
"Yeah...I think that should be the plan for everything...just never mind it." Feng He said pushing himself off Cheng Qing and walking away.
Feng He had never been more aware that their apartment didn't have any doors. This would have been the perfect opportunity for him to find one and slam it in Cheng Qing's face. Although he could have walked into the bathroom or out the door neither of those felt like an option. So he walked to the bed instead and flopped on it.
Meng Meng and Cheng Qing looked at each other than at Feng He. "I've never seen him like this. You really think he's jealous?"
Meng Meng nodded then took her bag and walked to the door. Her friend had obviously forgotten she was there or he never would have said those things out loud. But in order to forget her presence he had to be far more upset than either she or Cheng Qing was giving him credit for.
Putting a comforting hand on Cheng Qing's arm she pulled his attention away from Feng He for just a second. "Be understanding. I think this is more than just a passing thing."
Cheng Qing was surprised by the piece of advice then he looked at Feng He who was lying on the bed with his back to them. Everything about the tight hold he had on himself and the way he was curled into himself told the story of someone doing everything he could to protect himself.
Cheng Qing had never imagined such a thing could be true... Feng He was terrified.
But was he afraid of him or afraid for him?
He locked the door behind Meng Meng when she finally left and walked to comfort his boyfriend. He sat on the bed but Feng He moved so he was almost on the edge of the bed. As far away as he could get from Cheng Qing without actually getting up or falling off the bed. So Cheng Qing got on the bed, scooted closer and wrapped his arms around Feng He's waist.
"I love you."
"What?" Feng He didn't think he'd heard right. Only Cheng Qing repeated his declaration and refused to let go when Feng He would have pushed him away. It took several tries before he could finally get free and stand up. "How can you say that? Does it even mean anything to you?"
"A He please...what is the matter?"
"I hate you."
"No you don't."
"No...I don't." He sighed heavily. "But what is the point? Even if I accept that, what's the point of knowing you love me if nobody else can? You can't be seen with me. You can't be with me...."
"Who says?"
"Think about your career. Think about your dad." Feng He admonished.
"I love you. I want to be with you. That is never going to change." Cheng Qing said with conviction. "I never thought about the rest of it because it doesn't matter."
"It matters."
Feng He felt exhausted. Cheng Qing looked at him and he knew his boyfriend had been holding this fear for a long time. This was just the explosion but the fuse had been set a long time ago. He was trying to think of something reassuring to say when Feng He came back and sat on the edge of the bed.
"I'm your biggest fan...," He whispered with a rueful smile, "...but I feel like the biggest fraud...the biggest lie."
"You love me a little don't you?" Cheng Qing said sadly.
"Stupid. I love you a lot."
"Then that's enough."
"You know it's not. No matter how much you want to believe that we are alright, we can't spend our entire lives behind these walls; behind closed door. And when we go out there...people will judge us."
"Then let's deal with it together." Cheng Qing declared. "I love you. I want to be with you. I want you to know it and feel it. I don't want you to ever doubt it. As for the other people, I can't tell you not to think about them or worry about what they will think or what they will say. But I can tell you what I think and what I will say...
"I think you are the most amazing person I have ever met. You are kind and beautiful and smart and loyal and you are so good to your mother and your friends. I am so glad that you care about me, that you treat me with the same love and respect. I love you. I want you to be happy. But most of all I want you to be happy with me."
"But what if..."
Cheng Qing kissed him softly; chastely. "Don't doubt me...please. Just let me love you."
"I don't...I want to..."
Cheng Qing pulled him to lie down next to him. Held him tight like he was trying to brand himself on his skin. Let him know with every fibre of his being that he was there and he wasn't going anywhere. They lay together on the bed facing each other. Holding hands and playing with each other's fingers. Cheng Qing wanted to show Feng He exactly who he belonged to. Nothing was going to stop him.
Feng He seemed to finally understand what he was saying even without words. The tension eased out of his body slowly until he was no longer clenching his jaw or trying hard to look away from Cheng Qing.
"So are you going to try and push me away again?" Cheng Qing asked when he finally thought it was safe enough to speak.
Feng He sighed and looked at him, "You know I can't."
"Why is that?"
"I'm always going to be your number one fan."