Or, Feng He finally speaks about what is really bothering him to Cheng Qing
"Why did you really send that note to Cheng Qing?" Feng He asked Meng Meng out of the blue. They were sitting in their favourite coffee shop after he told Cheng Qing he had something to check on in the library and would be home late.
She choked on her drink but he waited until she had cleared her throat to repeat the question. "You liked him. He liked you. I knew none of you would make a move because of the relationship your parents have or because of whatever hang-ups you have about...well, everything." She finally answered.
Her tone was flippant but he could see the surreptitious glances she was sending his way to gauge his reception of her rather pathetic explanation.
It wasn't what he wanted to hear and it still didn't explain how she knew it would have the effect it did. "But how did you know I liked him?"
"Don't you?"
Under normal circumstances, he would have caught on to Meng Meng's blatant attempt to deflect him by answering a question with a question but he was too consumed with his own thoughts. Feng He know he did in fact like Cheng Qing. There was no doubt about it, even though he wished there was a way to deny it. But he was so confused.
He had always been very clear about who he was and what he wanted out of life. Cheng Qing had not been a part of that plan. Now it felt like Cheng Qing was the plan and everything was an addendum. Yet he could not easily brush aside everything he had known and believed wholeheartedly for the past 18 years. He felt like his brain, his body was confused about everything. Pulling him in two different directions and making him feel like he was coming part.
How could his entire life be turned upside down by one man? How was he ever going to find solid ground when it felt like his entire world was constantly shifting? Feng He was out of ideas. Out of excuses. Out of options.
He had to talk to Cheng Qing.
He needed to understand. The fear that kept him silent and inert was no longer strong enough to win against his desire for clarity and a plan of action. If he could just figure out what was going on inside his head on his own, he would have already done it by now. It was time to do something different...
"I have to go." He told Meng Meng abruptly.
Grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder he left her staring at him like he'd lost his mind. And maybe he had. Maybe not thinking was the solution to his current predicament. Feng He knew what he had to do but if he took any time at all to think about it, he would chicken out.
The ride home was accomplished in record time – even considering the traffic. He hummed along to the radio, tapped the beat against the staring wheel. Paid minute detail to everything on the road to keep his mind from ruminating. It worked.
He was glad to get home and find Cheng Qing sitting on the couch reading a book.
"I want to talk to you." He said without preamble when Cheng Qing looked up at him.
"Okay." Cheng Qing said while he dog eared the book to mark his page and put it aside.
All his attention was on Feng He. It was a heady feeling but it also infused Feng He with a nasty case of nerves. He nearly baulked when he felt his knees tremble and threaten to give out but he took a deep breath, gathered himself and while he wanted to look at Cheng Qing to see his reaction he found himself pacing instead.
"When I asked you to live with me I was short-sighted and scared. I didn't want to lose you. So even though I hadn't really figured out what was going to happen I knew I had to be to you." That was already more words than he had ever said to Cheng Qing in a single sitting but he was determined to keep going. "When you got here, I realised that you weren't here because you thought we could be brothers and roommates and friends. I wasn't surprised by that. But I've never been with someone...like that!"
"Like what...?"
"Huh?"
"You've never been with someone like what?"
"Like...intimately? Like lovers? Or boyfriends or...I don't know what we are. What would you call it?"
Cheng Qing shrugged and for a moment he was confronted by the reality of what it must be like to be faced with his reticence. He wanted Cheng Qing to say something. Not just shrug his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm not being very clear."
"What is it you are trying to tell me?" Cheng Qing finally asked when Feng He's pacing increased but he stopped talking altogether.
"Do you know what you are asking me to do?" Feng He asked the man sitting calmly in front of him while he felt like everything was spinning out of control. "If we are together like you want to be everything will change. Nothing will be the same afterwards. But you want to act like it doesn't matter. Like it doesn't make a difference."
"That's not true." Cheng Qing defended himself and it gave Feng He pause.
"Isn't it." He asked with less certainty. "You just want to jump in; to hell with the consequences."
"Stop thinking that I am easy. This is not easy for me. I just know that I love you and I want to be with you." Cheng Qing said in a low voice infused with feeling.
"But what if it doesn't work. What if we break up? What if we can't actually get through this without it ruining your career and making us miserable? I will lose you and..." Feng He's voice broke and he couldn't continue for a long while as unexpected tears filled his eyes and emotion clogged his throat.
Cheng Qing looked at him with wide eyes and worry. Holding his thoughts in as Feng He poured out his. Giving him the time and space he needed to explain his worries. It was a good plan because when Feng He could finally continue, it was with a calmer softer voice and a new conviction.
"I can't lose you again. When you went away...it was hell for me. I hated you when you got here but I got so used to you so fast, that if felt like you'd cut a part of me out of my chest when you left. But trying to figure out how this will work has me bewildered and the thought of losing you is unbearable. You can't leave me."
"I'm not going to leave you."
"Not for any reason."
"I'm not going to leave you."
"Not even if our parents get divorced."
"Our parents will not get divorced."
"You don't know that. You don't know that we won't break up. You don't know that there might be a day when you want nothing more to do with me and...
"What if you're the one who doesn't want anything to do with me anymore?" Cheng Qing asked softly – like saying it any louder gave power to the unpleasant prospect. "What happens to me then? Am I supposed to let you go? Most definitely not. I'm not letting you go under any circumstances."
It was that conviction that finally got through to Feng He. When Cheng Qing got up and came towards him and pulled him into his arms in a gentle hug. "I love you."
"Ugh...I love you too." Feng He said against Cheng Qing's chest. Disgusted with his fear. Disgusted with his worry. Wondering why he couldn't just focus on the things they had going for them the way Cheng Qing seemed capable of doing with ease. "But what if..."
Cheng Qing kissed him silent. "I know you're scared...
"Aren't you?" Feng He asked.
"I'm only scared that you won't want me. That you will ask me to leave. That no matter how much I want to be with you, I will do whatever you say and I will regret it for the rest of my life." Cheng Qing said honestly. "Please don't send me away."
"No." It was the last thing Feng He wanted to do.
"Let me stay?"
It's not like there was any other choice for them at this point. They were hooked on each, Feng He thought. "Yes. I want you to stay."
"Can I kiss you?"
Cheng Qing had never asked before. Feng He was shy but he nodded his head in acquiescence. "Yes." He added for good measures when he remembered to use his words.
The kiss was slow and light. Then Cheng Qing let go. Feng He thought he was done but the other man drew his attention with a light caress to his chin. When their eyes met, it was like an electric spark flew from one to the other. Mirrored a hundred times, it caught fire and set them both alight with love and lust and longing.
"I want you."
Feng He blushed at the bold confession. "Can we really do this?" He asked.
"Yes, we can." Cheng Qing answered with another soft kiss to Feng He's lips. "Let me show you."
Cheng Qing pulled him over to the bed, checking to make sure Feng He wasn't about to go into a panic attack. He stood at the foot of the bed and held Feng He at arm's length. "Are you okay with this?"
"Yes." Feng He said although he was still trying to avoid eye contact.
"Come here." Cheng Qing instructed softly.
Feng He reached for his hand and used as an anchor to draw himself closer to Cheng Qing. They were standing a hairs breath apart. Cheng Qing used his free hand to caress Feng He's cheek. To pull him closer by the nape of his neck. To hold him still while their lips touched. To keep him close as he deepened the kiss. Tasting and teasing; and when Feng He reciprocated drinking of everything he could get from the other man.
Feng He's automatically released his hand when he needed to hold on to Cheng Qing. His arms going around his waist and holding him tight. Passion rising between then as they started to undress each other. The necessary work of getting clothes off intermingled with caresses that slowed the process but served a greater purpose.
Exploration. Discovery. Shared pleasure; as much in the giving and receiving. Feng He was shy at first but when Cheng Qing could not hold back his reactions, he grew more confident. Cheng Qing, the opposite. Because he started out confident but realised he was so desperate for Feng He that he feared he would lose control and turn their first time into a disaster.
In their underwear...both desperately aroused, they fell on the bed. Feng He's body beneath his. Warm and hard yet yielding. Accommodating him as he continued to kiss and caress and arouse him. His moans providing a sensual symphony accompaniment to their love making. Mingling with Cheng Qing's sighs; the unexpected growl that left his throat when Feng He flipped them over. When he kissed and sucked on Cheng Qing's neck until the superstar couldn't hold his desire at bay any longer.
"Please...tell me we can do this."
"Are you sure about this." Feng He asked even though every fibre of his being was calling out for Cheng Qing's possession. Their passion already infecting his blood. Already singing through his veins.
"Yes." Cheng Qing answers readily. "I want to show you how good it can be. Just trust me...please."
"Okay."
The tension that infused Feng He's body was so palpable Cheng Qing thought he'd heard wrong when the other man agreed. He stopped and stared down at Feng He, having regained his position above him. "What has you so scared? I want you to enjoy this with me."
"I keep thinking..." He whispered like he was afraid of his own mind. "...could you just do it?"
"Do what?"
"Whatever you're going to do."
Cheng Qing reared back suddenly. Moving out of Feng He's arms and putting some distance between them. "What do you think I'm going to do?"
"I thought you wanted to...uhmmm...to∙have∙sex∙with∙me!" The individual words melding into one, long expression.
"Of course I do. But why do you think it would just be me. What about you?" Cheng Qing asked in doubt. "Have you ever been with someone else?"
"No." Feng He whispered. He was too embarrassed to look at Cheng Qing even though he was determined not to lie about it. He wanted the ground to swallow him. So much so that he started getting up. Even though he didn't reach for his clothes he looked so completely closed off that Cheng Qing didn't know what to do at first.
"Come here." He said to the smaller man. "Stop thinking for a minute. Stop worrying. Just relax. If I do anything you don't want or don't like, stop me. Don't be afraid of me. Don't be afraid of this. We'll take it slow. I promised you that before, didn't I?" Feng He nodded. "Then trust me."
Feng He nodded again and let Cheng Qing pull him back on the bed. Let the other man pull him into his embrace. Then held on like his life depended on it. Letting Cheng Qing be his strength because he didn't feel like he had any.