Or, can we define our relationship in terms that make sense, please!
An inanimate object had never had so much power. On their first night together in that bed, the pots and pans had seemed like a worthwhile deterrent to whatever cares and imaginings Feng He had running through his mind. They had served no purpose whatsoever except to decorate their bed when somehow he and Cheng Qing had found themselves sleeping on each other.
This time Feng He didn't even have the option of putting them out. So he lingered at the table working on an assignment due in three weeks when he could have just joined Cheng Qing in bed. Not that he was getting anything done.
He was so physically aware of the other man that he imagined he could hear his breath every time he sighed. Hear the rustle of his pyjamas and the beddings as they moved against each other and his skin; like they were mocking his desire to take their place and know exactly what Cheng Qing's skin felt like underneath the cover of the offending fabric.
"Are you going to spend the whole night at the table?" Cheng Qing asked indulgently from his perch against the headboard of their bed. His gaze meeting Feng He's over the small space that separated them and he winked suggestively when their eyes locked for a second causing Feng He to blush deeply.
Feng He looked back at his work but he wasn't really seeing it. "I just have to finish this..."
"You forget we have the same classes. I know there is nothing due for the next three weeks because of the break." Cheng Qing said softly.
"I just want to get a head start..."
"Are you avoiding me?" Cheng Qing finally asked interrupting Feng He's excuse. There was some amusement in his tone but when Feng He looked up all he saw his serious face staring back.
"Uhmm...no?"
"Is that a question?"
"No?"
"A He...please come to bed?"
Feng He had not expected the direct request. So simple and yet everything in him was screaming to do anything but. He wasn't even sure if he was afraid of his feelings or his imaginings of Cheng Qing's feelings for him. "Let me just..."
"Please."
There was nowhere to run. The part of him that wanted to stay was uselessly dormant right now. The only part he could hear in his head was the one telling him this was a bad idea. So even though he knew in his heart he wanted this, his feet dragged and he entered the bed so reluctantly that Cheng Qing actually had to grab him and pull him right into the centre of the bed.
Pressed up against his chest so that his warmth permeated their layers of clothes and made a mockery of Feng He's awareness of him up to that point. Everything was heightened a thousand fold. His breath. His desire. His confusion.
Feng He wanted to fight. But he also knew he had never been able to stand against Cheng Qing. Not that he really wanted to. Self-preservation and common sense demanded he keep a safe distance. Their current circumstances dictated he do what he can to bridge the gap. So even though he wanted to run away, he let Cheng Qing hold him.
"What are you so afraid of?"
"I'm not afraid." The squeak of his voice belying his quick denial.
"I know this is all new to you. And I know that you have your misgivings about it." Cheng Qing started softly his fingers rubbing small circles on Feng He's body. "I don't expect everything to change overnight but I do want you to give me a real chance. Will you do that?"
Feng He never expected Cheng Qing to say that. To give him such simple clarity when he was beyond confused about what was happening.
Feng He's fear and uncertainty had created a monster in his head. His own desire making it hard to imagine there was an alternative path to what he knew or thought or wanted. Hearing Cheng Qing's words was like a slap to the face. What reason had he to doubt Cheng Qing's intentions? He trusted the other man and until there was actually cause to disbelieve him, Feng He could do no less than give him the benefit of the doubt.
"Thank you." He whispered.
"For what...?" Cheng Qing asked his hands holding Feng He tighter. Close enough that Feng He knew he could feel his shrug.
It wasn't a real answer but he didn't know what to say. The knowledge that they were on the same page sent a wave of relief through Feng He and he just wanted to enjoy it. The smile that touched his lips this time felt real even though Cheng Qing couldn't see it.
Feng He wanted this but he also wanted...needed time. There were things they needed to figure out and rushing in wasn't his style. But it was Cheng Qing's. Or at least he thought it was. Perhaps they would finally find a way through it if they were willing to compromise. To find a middle path and work together. It would require more from him but for the first time since he'd made the decision to ask Cheng Qing to stay with him, Feng He felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
When Cheng Qing turned him so they were lying face to face, Feng He didn't resist. He put his head on Cheng Qing's shoulder allowing him to take his weight.
"It's going to be okay." Cheng Qing assured him.
Feng He believed him. Safe in the knowledge that he didn't have to make any decisions right this minute he finally relaxed into Cheng Qing's embrace. Maybe the future wasn't as scary as he thought. Not if he had Cheng Qing by his side.
This is where he wanted to be.
It felt right. It felt like home.
The weight of Feng He's body on him was so sweet. The way the smaller man sighed with relief sent puffs of his breath against Cheng Qing's neck yet it was soothing rather than arousing.
Cheng Qing had been worried about Feng He the whole evening. The way he looked like a deer caught in headlights once everything was done. Dinner was finished, the dishes cleaned and put away and the only thing left to do was sleep but still he remained at bay. Cheng Qing could see the nervousness in Feng He but he didn't know what to do about it at first.
The stroke of insight had come when Feng He tried to avoid him on the bed. It was funny how similar it was to the first time. The way Feng He had been angry when he suggested they share the bed so many months ago. The way he'd tried to keep them apart using the saucepans. The way it had fallen apart faster than he could toss the pots off the bed. The memory brought a smile to his face.
Will our lives forever mirror our first meeting? He wondered to himself.
Cheng Qing understood that Feng He was nervous. That he was worried about something. Something he wasn't ready to talk about as yet. Cheng Qing had no plans to rush things. He was ready to wait until Feng He was comfortable with him. Ready for the moment when he didn't look terrified all the time. Impatient, yet willing to wait for Feng He to feel comfortable with his touch and didn't flinch like he was about to get hit instead of get hugged.
He wanted to get to know Feng He better. Wanted them to be so sure of each other when all was said and done so that nothing could come between them. He knew the man currently lying in his arms had misgivings and they needed to address them. They weren't just going to go away on.
But at the same time he felt they should also enjoy being together...wasn't that the whole point of living together. The time spent living with Feng He when they had been forced together by circumstances was one of the best times Cheng Qing had spent with someone else. He just wanted more of the same. He wanted Feng He to feel like he did. To find joy in spending time with him.
Looking down at his brother, Cheng Qing smiled when he noticed he'd already drifted to sleep. Clearly he had been exhausted. He kissed the top of Feng He's head. He wished he could kiss him on the mouth. Feel his hands wind around his shoulders and hold him close as their mouths melded.
But he would have to satisfy himself with imagining it for now. He eased himself into a more comfortable position. Careful not to disturb the man sleeping soundly against him.
He couldn't bear to turn off the lights. Content to look at Feng He's face for a little while longer. Yet he knew the light would disturb his sleeping companion. With a last long stare at the man he loved, Cheng Qing reluctantly turned the lights off with his free hand. It took a while for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. And when he did, he spent the rest of the time looking at the silhouette of Feng He's sleeping face until he too was pulled down into slumber.
The first rays of sunlight filtered through the blinds and the sheer curtains creating intricate patterns on the bedspread, floor and wall. Cheng Qing's arm was numb. He couldn't move it but he knew there was a good reason. Still caught in the space between sleep and wakefulness he experimentally pulled at his arm only to register the warmth of a body beside him.
He opened eyes gritty with the lack of sleep and looked down. He smiled. Content even in his discomfort. Happy to be stuck in this position.
Feng He was lying on his side and Cheng Qing was holding him from behind. As far as Cheng Qing was concerned it was the best way to wake up in the morning. That he was the beneficiary of a rare occurrence didn't escape him. How had he woken up before the other man?
He looked at the bedside table and was shocked to see that it was still early. So early, their alarm hadn't even gone off yet. Happy with the stroke of good luck, he snuggled back into the duvet. Pulled Feng He closer to his body and nuzzled his face in the other man's soft hair. Kissing his neck before he let himself get drawn back into sleep.
Sighing happily when he felt Feng He's hands around his own as his embrace was returned unconsciously.