Enjoy <3
It has been a month since Jared left California; leaving me behind.
It has been three weeks since the bully was messing with the car, which I got fixed and was too scared to go to work with it, that I decided to just bring it back to Jared's house. This led me to use the public transportation again, losing a little of the freedom I had, but I rather stuck to schedules than having to deal with a possible bigger damage this person could do to the car.
It has been two weeks since the bully left me another note at my work, saying how I looked hideous in the light blue dress and heals I was wearing the other day, and that in Scotland I might be called normal, but in California people would think my skin is infectious.
Right now, I was sitting in front of my computer, looking at the screen blankly.
There was a twitter account posting my picture with Jared, taken most likely by a fan as we were standing by the bar in New York on the New Year's party. He looked amazing and proud as he was talking to the bartender, while I was standing next to him a head shorter, my hair's a mess, just tied back, my make up all gone, eyes having circles around because of the crying earlier on, remembering my father.
The caption hurt more than anything:
"You know he is having a mid-life crisis, when he picks from the ugly ones for a change; they might stick around." #charity
I was tagged in the photo with Jared, that is how I found out about it.
I didn't dare to read the few comments it had.
The tears were running down my cheeks as I starred at the picture what brought back memories of my High School years. All the feelings of being the target. The sorrow, the fear, the loneliness.
I came so long; I had such a great life in my bubble, and I know I should have gotten ready for being picked on, but I had a little hope, that if Jared's followers liked me all along, their opinion won't change if they get to know I am with Jared. And I know it is not official yet, and that there is only one person pulling the strings now, I still can't help but feel defeated.
And yet, I was too afraid to tell about what's happening to anyone, because that would mean that they were able to break me. I would have to admit that I am weak, and I don' know what to do.
Do I know what to do? No.
Do I think I'm weak? Yes.
Am I ready to admit it to anyone? No.
This person was good. They wouldn't give me any lead to follow as to know who they are. Even this twitter account is new, and I can't figure anything out. But it's not like I wanted to. I didn't want to care and just hoped it would stop if I don't react.
Coming home from work that day I was exhausted. I was working double the amount, taking on projects to show Larry, I am taking my job seriously. The gossip faded in a week and Larry believed, I told the truth.
I threw my bag down by the door as I closed it behind me, making my way into the living room where I sat onto the couch, taking a deep breath.
Suddenly, my phone started to ring, and looking at the screen a sad smile appeared on my face.
Jared was calling.
As time passed, neither of us had much free time and the time difference made it very hard to reach each other. After the first week we usually called every third day or so for a few minutes if Jared had time. It was challenging as I missed him deeply, but I was not sure he feels the same. He was active on Instagram; I saw the many parties he attended, the friends he made, the old friends he met up with, the talk shows he did, and I couldn't help but feel jealous and even more alone.
I was avoiding video calling with him because I felt like I looked like a mess. I just didn't feel confident enough to look him in the eye when he would video call me. I felt like he knew something was wrong, but we never had time to get into it.
Nowadays, every time we talk, I am so close to break and cry out everything that has been happening to me. Even my mom tried to reach me couple of times after Lynn left, just as Lynn was messaging but I never answered to either of them. I wasn't in a place for more drama on my mom's side nor chit-chat with Lynn.
"Hey," I smiled as I answered the phone.
"Avery... have you checked your twitter lately?" he asked sounding bothered.
I pressed my lips pulling my leg up onto the couch under me.
"No." I lied.
"Oh... fuck, good..."
"Why?" I asked uncertain.
"Nothing, just... you know some motherfucker trolling me again, but Olivia took care of it," his voice angry.
"What happened?" I asked as I opened my laptop to check twitter.
"Nothing, it was some leaked picture; don't worry about it," he breathed.
I just nodded as I saw that the picture where I have been tagged is not online anymore. Sighing, I leaned back on the couch.
"How are you, my beautiful?" he calmed and by his words I just looked up to the ceiling as tears gathered in my eyes.
"I miss you," I whispered. "So much."
"I know, baby. I miss you too."
"Do you?" It just slipped out and I gulped squeezing my eyes.
"What kind of a question is that?" he asked, surprise in his voice. "I do miss you. Every damn day."
I just kept my eyes closed. I didn't know what to answer.
"Av, I know something's up with you and I was patient; I tried to give you time to talk, but that's it. Over. Spit it out!" he demanded frustrated.
"Jared, don't worry about me, please."
"You ARE making me worry. After every fucking depressed phone call all I wanna do is to get on the next plane to you just to slap the shit out of you then hug you tight and let you know we're going to be alright. Because we ARE!" he reassured, sighing to calm himself. "You saw that fucking twitter post, haven't you?" his tone demanded the truth.
"I did..." I cried. "This... this person has been harassing me since you left... They were the one messing with your car..." I admitted sobbing.
"Shit. That's it. I want you to get on the next airplane out of there, understand?"
I just cried giving up, rubbing the tears away from my eyes.
"Avery, did you fucking understand?" desperate anger dominated in his voice as his shout filled my ears.
"I can't leave my work... I..."
"This is not a fucking game, how the fuck could you keep this away from me? Are you out of your mind? This is serious and police has to be involved!"
"I don't... I didn't think this would..."
"I'll have Olivia book you a flight and if she can't find anything for the next 3 days, I'm sending the jet; and don't even dare to argue! You are so fucking stupid!" his mad voice just made me cry even more.
"I'm so sorry..."
"I'm sending Shannon over."
"No, Jared please..."
"Shut it! It's not your choice anymore!"
"I'm so sorry," I cried, my body shaking into it.
"I'm doing this because I love you, and if anything happens to you...Anything! I'll kill someone! I encountered many crazy stalkers in my life; it is no joke, and you should know it! You've seen some."
"I know..." I whined. "Don't be mad, please..."
"I'm worried..." he breathed as I swallowed back my tears.
It felt much better knowing that he knows. Even if he is mad at me, I felt relief.
That evening we talked for the longest time; almost two hours, which meant Jared barely got any sleep, but I needed to be selfish a little. He told everything he did the last month and the people he met. I giggled on his funny stories and I felt so calm just listening to him talk.
After we finished the call, in just an hour Shannon appeared, giving me a bear-hug.
We watched a movie as he pulled me close to his side and snuggling up to him felt so safe.
"Are you going in to work tomorrow?" he asked rubbing my arm.
"Yeah... I have so many different projects going on and if... if I decide to go to England I will need to do as much as I can.
"I'll take you in the morning," he offered.
"It's not necessary," I shook my head.
"I know, but I will, anyway," he smiled as I took a deep breath in.
"Lily came by the cafe today."
I sat up looking at him curiously.
"She was asking if it is true; that you and Jay are together. I didn't tell her, but I didn't deny either. She said that Jared doesn't answer her phone calls anymore. I asked why she even tries to keep in contact with him. What's the aim? She said she never stopped loving him and hoped for a new beginning, but if he is with you, she will respect that. I couldn't say anything to that. I didn't even tell this to Jared, but I thought you should know."
He looked at me as I looked at him in complete shock. I was speechless by what I heard.
"Look, Jared loves you so much and I know for a fact that even if Lily gets a hold of him and tells this to him as well, he won't care. He is only so protective of you because he knows your insecurities and he tried so hard to make you believe in his love towards you. What happened now... He is angry. He's very angry and worried. I had to talk him into staying and finishing the movie. He was packing when he called me, saying you won't take the flight so he will come back. You might not see it, but guilt is eating him up. Please just go to England. You need it and he need it."
I nodded with tears in my eyes. My emotions were all over the place and to be honest, I wanted to get out of here as well.
"Can I... ask you something?"
"Of course," he smiled caressing the tears away from my cheeks.
"Jared... he once told me... that Lily knows something about him that... he is afraid that she could use against him. Can you tell me what that is?" I asked looking up to him with hope that finally I can understand.
He sighed sitting more up.
"He should be the one to tell you that, Av. But... if it helps, I am sure that Lily wouldn't do that. They might have ended on bad terms, but she wouldn't expose Jared. Jared starts to see it too, that's why he is trying to... stop talking to her."
"I just... I need to know, and he wouldn't tell me. I really need to know. I know him like the back of my hand; nothing can surprise me anymore and nothing will make me love him any less. Nothing ever did."
"I know, Avery," he sighed looking like thinking about telling me.
"Please," I asked drying my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweater.
"It... involved way too much. Drugs... women, some dealer gangs... It's a mess really and it has to be him to tell you this if you want to know. But... you might not want to go there. It's the past and it's over."
"Well... this did not help..." I stated as I chewed on my lips nervously just hearing those words his past is about.
"I know; and I'm not gonna lie it's pretty serious. And long story. But please don't ask me to tell. Now you can understand that it wouldn't be fair to him."
I just nodded disappointed.
This evening was already too much and maybe I really don't need to hear more now.
"I'm so tired..." I muttered.
"Go sleep then. When do you want to leave in the morning? I'll pick you up."
"Shan, your really don't have to, please just..."
"Sorry; I'm that annoying type of a friend who will look after you even if you don't want to," he smiled winningly.
I just sighed giving up.
"Would you like to sleep here?"
"If you wouldn't mind," he shrugged.
"Not at all," I smiled. "I'll make the couch for you."
"Don't worry about it, I'll be fine. You go get some rest, alright?"
I nodded as I walked to the bathroom, ready to end this day as well.
Next day Shannon drove me to work as promised.
I walked into the building and in front of the elevator I bumped into James, who I haven't seen since Christmas.
"Heeey!" he smiled wide, looking up and down my "unusual" clothes which consisted of a pair of black pants and a big beige colored hoodie. "Oh... someone's ready for a chill day."
I just shrugged.
"I had a lazy morning..." I lied pushing my hair back behind my ears. "Anyway, didn't have time to thank you for the day with my cousin. She liked it a lot."
"Oh yeah..." he grinned as the elevator arrived and he motioned me to step in first, then he followed me. "She is a... very hyped person; totally different from you. I think she liked me like... a lot," he whispered with a chuckle as he pushed the button for the fifth floor.
"Oh, she did," I nodded knowingly. "I'm sorry if she was... too much."
"She was fun, don't worry about it," he smiled.
I nodded in acknowledgement watching as the numbers changed on the screen until we reached the fifth floor.
"I still hope I'll get a day with you like that sometime, though," he smiled sweetly as he stepped out after me.
I peeked back to him with a light smile.
"We will see. I know I owe you."
"Don't come because you think you owe me. Only if you want to... we can go somewhere... sometime. No rush," he held up his hands, then smiled as he pushed his hair back from his forehead then turned to walk into his cubicle.
I just smiled after him lost in thoughts.
I wondered if I have men who like me... why do I keep getting attacked about my look if... some people don't even seem to notice it. It was always like this. Always. I would fall into depression because of some people calling me names, trying to break me. Some guys would make fun of me... and then there are men who seem to don't even care. It was very strange, and it always made me confused and that is why my mood would change from hour to hour.
Sighing I sat down to my desk and continued a marketing strategy plan presentation, which has to be ready as soon as possible if I really am about to leave for England.
Later that day I got a call from Olivia about a return-flight she found for me, which would leave the day after tomorrow and come back a week later. She wanted me to confirm that the dates are fine; she can book it. I agreed but a sudden idea came to my mind and I asked her to tell a different arriving day to Jared, so I can surprise him.
Only what left to do is to tell my boss, Larry, about my unexpected leaving, and I just hoped he will be fine with it if I promise I can do most of my project from away.
I was excited to leave, no doubt, but I was also afraid to face Jared after he got so mad at me for hiding the happenings from him.