As our brains begin to process and cope with the effects of grief, we experience disruptions in our daily lives. Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, anxiety that leaves us on edge...While I had never experienced a loss close to me, I was certain my process of mourning had begun. My maternal grandfather died when I was an adolescent, so I wasn't bothered so much by his death. When I was younger, I couldn't even flinch at the thought of someone dying. Here I was now at eighteen, full of questions and wanting answers now.
Sam wouldn't do this. Sam would never think his only way out of a shitty situation would be death. Sure, I thought my brother wasn't the brightest person in the world, but he'd never do something like this. Ever. I could think of a list of people who would set up Sam's death to look like a suicide, or an accident. The list could start with Senator Hood and likely end with the governor of Washington.
The coroner wanted my dad or I to confirm Sam's identity. I refused to go in because I couldn't have my last memory of Sam be his cold body underneath a white blanket. My dad couldn't go in because of work pilling up and I also got the feeling he didn't want to go in either. The man was around plenty of sickness and death almost 90 hours a week at work, this should've been normal to him. An easy shot in the dark. But this was his son this time.
I held a special guilt in my heart, coming to Lydia's house for New Year's Eve after everything that had happened to my brother. Frankly, I didn't feel as if I deserved to have fun when my brother was dead, but it was just like me to feel like I didn't deserve anything in my life. Arrie sat to my right on the couch, sending aggressive texts on his burner phone. He had this way of wanting to make everything wrong...right. Even though he couldn't bring Sam back, he was desperately trying to figure out how to make the situation better for me. I felt thankful for Arrie's attempts as they brought me temporary relief in my sadness, until I thought too hard about things.
Michael and Luke were in the game room playing pool with Calum. Everything felt different. Everything was different. Michael wouldn't blink twice in Calum's direction a month ago, but now, suddenly, he was able to tolerate being in the same room as Calum. Life was so weird and I always thought forgiveness never existed, but here we were. I thought back to the first day of school, where the proposition of fake dating Ashton was thrown my way, then I fell deeply in love with him, only to have Michael and Calum be in the same room together. Things always changed, it just took us taking the time to realize what had changed and accept those changes.
It was The Trifecta, Calum, Evelyn, Lydia, Ashton, Sammy, Ally, Reuben, Lisa, Arrie, and Veronica who came to the lake house to say goodbye to the year and hope that we would make it to graduation. Elizabeth couldn't make it because her family booked a last minute trip to Cancun for New Year's Eve. Lydia pretended to be upset, but she had never been happier to not deal with Elizabeth. Veronica came along to be with Ashton, but we all knew she was only here because I was here and she needed to keep an eye on Calum and Evelyn and report any suspicious activity back to Elizabeth. Tragically enough, Veronica was feeling better than she felt a few days ago.
Ally happily hummed to the song playing on the speaker in the kitchen as she flipped grilled pieces of chicken. I was envious of how well Ally could cook. Luke would never starve. She spent a lot of time looking up new recipes and trying them out, seeing what worked and what didn't. But everything she made, Luke thought was perfect.
"Need help?" I asked Ally, looking over her shoulder. I didn't want to sit down and further sulk, I deserved to have a good time while I was here, regardless of what was happening. Didn't I? More often, I began to question myself and the moves I made.
"You could finish the mashed potatoes for me." She pointed across the counter with her fork to a pot of boiling potatoes.
I switched the fire off after stabbing a few too many potatoes to make sure they were soft enough to be mashed. I know cooking wasn't my idea of fun, but it was a good distraction from everything going through my brain right now.
"Are you uncomfortable with Veronica here?" Ally asked, trying to make comfortable conversation between us, instead of having complete silence. I liked Ally, just like Evelyn, she was refreshing. She spoke about environmental issues that she wanted to fix and how she wanted to take her mom's money and use it for homeless shelter funding and such. It caught me off guard to have her ask me about Veronica, when she would never bring up Veronica's name any other time unless it was to talk poorly about her.
Ally's long blonde locks were tucked behind her ears and they didn't budge from behind them. staying put without any effort at all. Effortless was Ally's truest form. And as much as I wanted to stand here and stare blankly into space while I imagined myself being Ally, I couldn't. I had to stop the obsessive nature I created for myself when it came to other people. I either wanted to be them, or love them. Often, I just wanted to be someone else without knowing their story completely. What had Ally gone through as a kid? What made her sad? What was Ally like behind closed doors? Were Ally's intentions pure? Was Ally truly...happy?
"It's really whatever." I shrugged, stopping myself from blanking out to ponder my feet in someone else's shoes. "It is what it is."
"Can't control the situation any more than you have tried and that's okay. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be between you and Ashton. Timing is everything too...I don't know....so many factors play into things working out for two people and it's really shitty." Yes, Ally was trying to make me feel better, but her words were making me feel worse. If all the calculations needed to add up correctly in order for Ashton and I to work, then I needed to rethink the entirety of him and I because nothing added up correctly between us. We were destined to fail.
"What are you guys talking about?" Arrie pulled up a seat at the counter, sitting on one of the black bar stools that set him eye level with Ally and I.
"Oh my god, that list was awful." Ally changed the subject, referring to the rankings of the senior students that earned me a cunt punt. "Who even made that?"
"I feel like it was Calum." I snorted. Seemed like something he would do to spite Elizabeth for his own entertainment.
"The top 25 list?" Arrie asked.
Ally and I nodded.
"I made that." He smiled proudly.
"What the hell?" I dropped the spoon I held, causing a loud clank to echo in the house.
"I was trying to help you out, Sage!"
"You weren't even at school that day! How did you manage to have the entire senior class be aware of that silly list?!"
"Luke."
"Luke?"
"I sent Luke the list, he made copies of it in his dad's office and put them anywhere a senior student would be a ble to find them." He shrugged like it was no big deal.
How did Luke keep this a secret for so long? The guy cracked under a lot of pressure. For instance, he didn't want to confess to his mom that he had skipped a day or two of class in the eighth grade because Michael was good at manipulating people...but Liz's interrogated Luke until Luke confessed. What would he do if he were ever in serious legal trouble?
"Do you want to go for a walk?" Arrie asked as he shut the burner phone after sending a text and slipped it into his front pocket of his jeans. Distractions were a big theme with Arrie, if he wanted me to feel not-so-shitty, he would come up with a million and one ways to distract me from the desolation that scratched at my brain. I suppose our terms were better. We were, at least, speaking to each other. People made mistakes everyday, it just sucked that I happened to make one of the dumbest mistakes in my life with Arrie.
There wasn't much else to help Ally with so I went back to the living room to stay out of her way.
"I think I'm okay in the house." I hugged one of the pillows tighter on the couch, trying to seem like I was too deep into the show I was watching to leave the television. Truthfully, I didn't know what was on TV and I couldn't tell you what was going on in the show. I blankly stared at the television while time slowly passed by.
I always felt a lot of sadness on New Year's Eve. Maybe some feelings of regret too as I thought back to the year and all that I didn't accomplish. It was another year where I felt more distant from myself and my family and those that I loved, so this time around I felt more down that I typically would. I wanted to feel something good. Something to make me feel alive, that wouldn't leave me questioning its motives. My mind always seemed to wander to Ashton. He did make me feel shitty with the way he smiles at Veronica and planted gentle kisses on whatever part of her body he could find, but the moments I had with him, the moments alone, made me feel good.
"Sage?" It was Ashton calling me. Even though things were shitty and messy between us, I still turned around instantly to him. I was such a fool for him. I wanted to feel good and, here, God brought me a blessing. "Come with me."
"I'll have to go too." Arrie stood up in full protection mode.
"It's okay. I'll be fine." Arrie still felt the need to protect me even after Sam was gone. That was the biggest promise Arrie made to my brother; to keep me safe, no matter what because the world was full of shitty people who did shitty things. Arrie simply sighed and sat back down, accepting defeat in this case. I followed Ashton through the house, making our way upstairs until we made it to the balcony connected to the master bedroom. The cold air pricked the skin on my face, but I closed my eyes and let myself just feel the sensation of it. In the distance, were fireworks shooting into the sky and causing the world to light up for a split second of beauty. I loved this tranquil moment, standing here with Ashton. I leaned against the railing, watching the fireworks reflect into the lake while Ashton's arms found their way around my body, holding me close. Where was Veronica? Ugh, she didn't matter right now. She was probably taking a bubble bath and doing an expensive facial mask that would honestly cause her to age prematurely. Or she was napping. Because her and Elizabeth both thought naps were essential to a youthful appearance.
"You know that I love you, right?" He whispered into my ear before pressing a kiss to my cheek. Yes, I knew that he loved me. "And I know that you love me too. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened. This roller coaster of shit isn't what you deserve. I believe you one-hundred percent when you say that Calum's dad killed Sam, I have no doubt in my mind about that. I wish I could fix this, make it all better."
Ashton was the only one I expressed my thoughts to. He was the only one I could confidently tell that I strongly believed that Calum's dad killed my brother. Luke and Michael would think I was crazy and overthinking. But they didn't know what Sam was doing in all his free time. I couldn't find the right moment to tell my long time friends all that was happening. Who was able to look their best friends in the eyes and tell them their brother was extorting people? That didn't feel like a normal conversation to spring upon anyone.
"Kill Senator Hood."
There were a few seconds where he paused to consider. I knew that my request was too much and too harsh, but revenge would be the only way I would be able to sleep at night. The satisfaction of knowing Senator Hood was dead, would make all of my worries disappear. The paranoia that was stuck in the back of my head, though, kept telling me my worries would only begin after Hood's untimely death. I was a fairly innocent girl. Who was I to determine someone's death? Why should I expect everything to fall into place after that? Fuck, I was selfish. I really was a monster now. All it took was a few months and small amount of courage from my friends, and here I was, ruining anything that seemed off to me.
"I'll do it." I turned to Ashton. His arms still wrapped around my waist. His eyes flickered between mine, searching for an ounce of uncertainty that I was sure was very obviously in my eyes. "If that will make you feel better, I'll do it."
I only nodded. I dropped my gaze to his chest. He wore a black sweatshirt that had to have cost as much as monthly car payment for an average middle class person. Veronica's doing, likely. A Christmas gift from her, I would suppose.
"Sage?!" For the most part, I thought Michael was in the game room, but based off the way that he was trying his best to catch his breath...something had happened. Ashton and I immediately parted from each other. Why? It was just Michael, Michael wouldn't tell a soul because he would be the next person dead if he did. "It's Luke."
Luke. When something was up with Luke I could give five quick guesses as to what was going on.
1. He was crying because he lost the game of pool.
2. His stomach was hurting because he ate too much junk food during the car ride to Lydia's lake house.
3. He was scared that Liz would be disappointed with him for some nonsensical reason that didn't make sense.
4. He lost his pocket mirror.
5. Ally broke up with him and we would all have to marinate in the awkward tension in the house until we left tomorrow.
"What happened?" I questioned, folding my arms over my chest. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I needed to be that strong, bitchy friend that reassured Luke everything would be okay.
Michael shook his head as he shrugged his shoulders. He looked guilty. Michael must've done something to make Luke
upset. It always happened. "He won't say unless you're there. He wants to talk to you alone."
I followed Michael through the house until we finally reached Luke's room. He wouldn't share with Ally, respectful of his parent's religious boundaries with that kind of stuff.
Luke sat on the foot of the bed. Crying, pale as ever, rocking back and forth, while we twiddled his thumbs. Ally kneeled next to Luke, trying to grab his attention, talk him down, but he wouldn't budge. The pale look of his skin, caused the stinging of his crying to be more prominent on him. His face was beginning to blotch over with red. The tip of his nose, scarlet at this point, as it dripped with the emotion he felt. I knelt down besides Ally, resting my hand on Luke's, I jumped from how cold they were. He must've been outside without a jacket and gloves. But why?
"Luke, what's going on?" I spoke gently enough so I didn't scare him. He was trembling so bad, I couldn't tell if it was because of the cold air or because he was so upset. Both? I don't know. "I'm here, it's okay." I tucked his curls behind his ear, I knew he didn't like them in his face.
"It's not okay." It felt like eternities had gone by before Luke said something.
"Did Ally breakup with you?" Stupid question, seeing as Ally was right here with me. It made sense. Him crying like this, her trying hopelessly to console him.
But Luke shook his head. I shared a look with Ally. Fright was in her eyes and I don't know what message mine sent her, but she seemed to relax a little.
"What is it? You can talk to me." I tried again, carefully grazing the skin on his arms with the pads of my fingers. He was so cold. I ordered Michael to drape a blanket over Luke's shoulders to warm him up.
Luke brought his fingers to his eyes, kind of squeezing them in hopes to block more tears from flowing out.
"I killed Calum."
I thought time only stood still when we experienced happy moments. First kisses, marriage, sex with someone you love. That happened too when we were in shock. Everyone's eyes, but Luke's, darted to everyone in the room. Did we all hear the same thing? Did we all need confirmation of that? Yes.
"Y-you...what...?" I stammered over my words. My heart was beating so fast it was almost knocking the wind out of me. Who was shaking more now? Me or Luke? I couldn't tell as we held each other's hands tightly.
"Evelyn and I...we killed him." He said in a sob. His whole body falling into the sadness and regret as it bounced with his cry.
Evelyn? She loved Calum more than Calum could ever admit to himself. She wouldn't do this to him. No. Nothing made sense anymore. My brother was offed by some politicians and now Evelyn and Luke were murdering someone...what was the brisk December Seattle air bringing in?
I took a deep breath. 4 seconds in, 4 seconds hold, 4 seconds out, 4 seconds out. Repeated 3 more times until I felt collected enough to fix this mess. I never claimed to have very many answers to all the questions and all the misfortunes. That was Michael's thing and I left it to Michael. But the fear in Michael's eyes when I looked over at him, meant he didn't know what to do. It was hard for a guy like Michael to not have something to say, to not have a quick fix and call it a day. He chewed on his nails, a habit he broke when he was twelve, though it sometimes reappeared in moments that he was stressed. Here we were.
"Hey, look at me." I tried to turn Luke's head to me by holding his chin, but he pushed me away. I did it again, but harshly this time so he knew I wasn't in the mood to play the weird victimization games. "Look at me." I was stern.
His eyes were red and puffy and full of tears. I had never seen such beautiful blue eyes, be in so much pain. His lips trembled and he shook his head, maybe in disbelief towards himself.
"It's going to be okay. This will not be traced back to you." If I had confidence, it definitely came out now. Even I believed Luke would be safe when I said it out loud.
"I'm going to jail, she left the gun there." Luke shook his head, sniffling more tears back. He didn't believe me. I needed to make this more convincing so he wouldn't be like this.
I chuckled, biting my lip before saying the most toxic thing I could say. "Did you forget what world we live in? The elite are notorious for covering up their tracks. I'll take care of it." With more power behind my words, he had to believe me now. Michael and Ally were convinced. Probably because they hadn't thought about the prestige being able to pay their way out of trouble. Freshman year, rumors sparked that Elizabeth's father murdered his childhood best friend because he caught his friend fucking his own wife, Genevieve Shahaf. Rumor also said that Mr. Shahaf payed $500,000 to make the situation go away forever, without any repercussions to him. It did go away, but that didn't stop tiny, unknown blogs from posting evidence that Mr. Shahaf actually did indeed kill his best friend for fucking his wife. The prestige life was just a game of money.
"I'm so scared." Luke whimpered. Fuck, I would be scared too. Anyone in their right mind would be scared. We weren't psychopaths who did this for fun. This was just a simple accident.
"Suck those tears back in, everything is going to be okay." I felt like a mom. Like Liz, really. Rub some dirt on the wound and just let me take care of it later.
"She's pregnant with his baby." Luke rubbed his nose with the back of his hand, finally gaining composure. "She told me if she can't have Calum, then no one can and I agreed because she deserves so much better than someone who switches between her and Elizabeth. And I know it was his father who killed Sam, I figured if I helped eliminate some of the bloodline you'd be happy."
So, if Luke knew what I thought happened with Sam...then Michael knew too. They weren't completely stupid and shallow. Michael could easily do research or get someone to get the answers for him. I wasn't surprised. Eliminating a part of the bloodline didn't mean all was fixed. No. We needed it all gone if this was going to actually happen. I stood to my feet, combing Luke's hair back. Ally hadn't moved an inch, she wasn't even breathing heavily in panic. She was still processing.
"You are the greatest friend that anyone could ask for, Luke." I pulled his head to my chest, giving him an awkward, yet endearing hug. Don't worry." I believed myself even more this time and Luke was starting to believe me as well. Baby steps.
Arrie and Ashton stood outside the bedroom, quietly. They wanted to hear what had happened. They both peeled from the wall when I left the room, carefully closing the door behind me.
"How bad is it?" Ashton asked.
"Not bad at all." I assured them both.
"Is everything okay?" Arrie wasn't too convinced though. He'd been in many situations like this to know better than to accept my word. I began walking downstairs to find Evelyn. Arrie and Ashton followed. "We need to cover something up and we need an alibi for everyone that is here tonight." I told them both.
When I found Evelyn, she sat on the living room couch. She hugged her torso and stared at the floor. She wasn't crying, she appeared more traumatized if anything. I knelt before her, just like I did with Luke. Only I didn't have to pester her to get her to talk.
"I think Calum is missing." She said, no emotion behind her words. "I went to go find him in the woods, but I got lost for a second and I couldn't find him."
I nodded before standing back up. I could do this. I could keep this act all together. No one would be guilty. No one. We were all safe.
"Lydia, take her to get cleaned up. Reuben, start some tea." I ordered. "Ashton, I know the security cameras are on, something bad has happened and I'll explain, but I need you to get with Michael and have him play with the footage some. Have Ally stay with Luke and make everyone else pretend like this is the happiest new year of their fucking lives."
Ashton nodded his head frantically. Good, he didn't want answers right now. I couldn't even give them. I didn't wanna repeat them out loud. Too good to be true. "Be careful."
"I always am." I assured Ashton before he went upstairs.
Arrie and I began our journey into the woods. It was dark, we'd get lost easily. We stopped on the deck in the backyard.
"Luke went upstairs with food poisoning. His stomach hurt him so badly that he was crying and you guys put him to bed. Evelyn's alibi of going into the woods will have to be good enough. I was in the living room watching 90 Day Fiancé. You were on the balcony with Ashton, looking at the fireworks. Everyone else was on the deck doing sparklers and taking photos for Instagram until 11:45pm when they all started to come inside for the countdown." Arrie listed off everyone's alibis. We'd be fine. Arrie spent a life of dealing with crime, I could trust him to help make this okay. "Michael's smart enough to cut any footage out that's suspicious and he's smart enough to make all the footage look like nothing was cut out."
"Luke and Evelyn killed Calum." I finally said it out loud. I sighed. 11:58pm on new year's eve...this was what I was doing. Hiding a murder.
"A cover-up I never knew I would be involved in." Arrie chuckled in disbelief. He pointed down to the shoes. A pair of dress shoes...Senator Hood's lucky dress shoes that he wore when he was elected. Was Arrie in on this too? He was wearing Senator Hood's shoes so we could frame him for the murder of his own son. Genius.
"The gun is still with his body."
"Amateur moves." He pulled out a black bandana he had in his back pocket. We'd get rid of the murder weapon. No murder weapon equaled no case in our situation. No one would be accused of anything. At the most we'd all be taken in for questioning.
Arrie disappeared into the woods. His burner phone called mine. I wanted to know how bad it was. I sat on the deck, watching the fireworks illuminate the new year.
"A straight shot to the head, then one to the heart...they've had this planned for some time. We'll have to call the police soon after we get rid of the body. We'll tell them, he's been missing for a couple of hours now, he hasn't come back to the house. He needed fresh air and never came back."
Now our only setback would be Veronica. She'd call someone, anyone, and tell them something was weird about this. She couldn't be trusted. She'd call Elizabeth and this would all take a turn. Dammit, why didn't I ask anyone to distract Veronica while we were sorting things out?
"How do we get rid of all this?" I asked Arrie.
"I'll sort it out. Trust me, please. Go inside the house and make sure everyone is okay."
I could fight and I could argue, but he was right. This was better off in his hands than in some rich amateur's. So, I went inside, back to Luke's room. Everyone was there besides Veronica. Everyone still shared the same look of shock besides Evelyn. Evelyn was ready for this. Like Arrie said, she had been planning this for some time.
"Where's Veronica?" I asked the group.
"Asleep," Samantha said. "Her stomach was acting up again so she took a tab of promethazine and they make her extremely tired."
"She's out for the night." Lydia added.
Good, that cleared up one person from this mess.
"What are we going to do?" Reuben was just as scared as Luke.
"We have to call the cops at some point." I spoke as I looked at the floor. Some time had gone by and now I was beginning to feel unsure of this all. I was going to be interrogating to no end. What was going to happen to all of us? I had to leave this in the hands of Arrie. I had to trust that Arrie would make this all better and we could go back to living our normal lives as if nothing happened tonight. We could go home and act as if this was the best New Year's Eve we've ever had and never think about this again. "Give Arrie two hours tops, it'll be okay."
there we go