Kabanata 7
"Hey you have to loosen up okay? Relax, I got you."
"How the hell would I relax if your doing shit Wen?"
"Ghad, I am not doing shit here. I'm literally helping you out. Wag kang kj okay?"
"I can't believe you."
"Stop rolling your eyes on me. Now do it."
I again rolled my eyes on her. Kung bakit ba kasi sinabi ko pang sya ang bahala kung saan kami pupunta.
"You're being stubborn Roe. It's been 5 months, put yourself back together. I told you to pick a place where we can hang out but you said it's up to me, so we are here and now you keep on rolling your eyes on me for a hundred times the moment we got here. You have to go there and feel your freedom. Dance and shout okay? Enjoy! You don't have to jail yourself for a long time just because you felt guilty. Nasaktan ka din and it's been a while since the last time we saw you smiling and laughing. Come on, let's enjoy the party."
I sighed. Inayos ko ang sarili ko at sumama sa kanya sa dance floor. Nasa party kami ngayon ng kaibigan nyang naging kaibigan ko nadin naman, si Amanda.
Lumapit kami sa kumpol ng mga kaibigan at kaklase ni Wen na nag sasayawan at naghihiyawan sa sobrang saya. I actually don't know what the party is for, kung para ba sa birthday o celebration ng achievements basta nalang akong sumama kay Wen dahil tinatamad akong mag isip kung saan ba kami pupunta.
Kahit na hindi naman ako mahilig sa mga ganitong klase ng party ay nakisabay na lang ako. Its been five months since we last talked to each other and I'm not sure if i'm doing good or not but I am trying to.
The loud sound of music is heating my ears so bad but I don't mind. Nakisabay ako sa pagsasaya ng mga kaibigan ni Wendel na naging kaibigan ko na din hanggang sa mapagod ako at tsaka bumalik sa table namin. May ilan ng nakaupo roon dahil siguro sa pagod na din sa pag sasayaw at kung ano ano pa sa party na ito kaya hindi na ako pinigilan pa ni Wen.
Bumalik lang ako sa aking upuan at uminom ng drink na inilaan para sa akin nang tumabi sa akin si Gwen na isa sa hindi ko pa gaanong kaclose sa kaibigan ni Wen.
"Hindi ka talaga mahilig sa mga ganitong party?" tanong nya nang makaupo sya sa tabi ko.
"Hindi naman sa hindi mahilig, matagal lang nung huli akong pumunta sa ganitong klase ng party kaya ganito," I did't expect that I would be having a conversation with her specially here, right now.
"You're not comfortable with me?"
Ngumiti lang ako sa kanya. Hindi lang naman ako komportable sa kanya dahil pakiramdam ko hindi nya ako gusto.
"Well, why?" she asked.
"I just feel like you don't like me so I didn't bother talking to you anymore," bakas sa kanya ang gulat sa naging sagot ko. She's giving me a face now, I'm right.
"Ayaw ko kasi sa mga attention seeker and fake people you know," sabi nya habang kunyaring tinitingnan ang kuko nyang ubod ng haba. I already sense that she doesn't like me but hey, I am not attention seeker and I am not fake.
"Is that so?" nagpipigil sa iritasyong sagot ko.
"I don't like you because you're playing too much as a victim, you're acting like a fragile glass, an innocent and good one. And I hate that most of my friends really believed your act. They're so kind that they didn't notice you're wearing a mask," she's now mad, sigurado akong narinig siya ng mga katabi namin dito sa table. Napairap ako sa mga sinabi nya. What the hell is she talking about?
"Honestly Gwen, I don't really care about your thoughts about me. I don't care if you like me or not, that's not my problem anymore. It's way far from my concern so if you don't have any other thing to say you may stop talking to me and stop telling me your reasons why you don't like me because that's your issue not mine," after that I gave her a smile. Ramdam ko na ang paninitig sa amin ng mga nakakarinig sa amin. At lalong ramdam kong nagagalit na siya dahil sa isinagot ko sa kanya.
Nagdadabog siyang umalis sa table kaya mas nakakuha siya ng atensyon. I sighed. Tumayo ako at dumiretso na sa gate. Uuwi na ako bago pa masali sa gulo at maging dahilan ng pag kakasira ng party na ito. Being here is not a good idea.
Sa loob ng mga panahon na nakasama ko ang mga kaibigan ni Wendel ay lagi lamang akong iniirapan o di kaya ay tinatarayan ni Gwen kaya kanina lamang ang una naming pag uusap. Wala akong ginagawang kahit na ano sa kanya at wala rin akong ginagawang kahit na ano sa mga dahilan nya kung bakit niya ako inaayawan kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pero gaya ng sabi ko sa kanya ay hindi ko na problema iyon. Sa dami ng problema ko ay hindi ko na siya kayang problemahin pa.
Me:
I'm on my way home. Take care. Update me when you're already at home, 'kay?
Matapos isend ang message para kay Wen ay pumara ako ng cab at tsaka umuwi. Maya maya lang ay nag reply narin siya.
Wen:
You should have told me para sumabay na ko sayo. And what happened to you and Gwen? She's literally being a bitch here rn.
Hindi na muna ako nag reply. Pag dating sa bahay ay naligo ako at nagpatuyo muna ng buhok bago nahiga at tsaka naisipang replyan ang text nya.
Me:
You should enjoy, di mo masasayaw iyang type mo kung andyan ako. Wala, nilapitan nya lang ako tapos sinabi nya sa akin na ayaw nya sakin.
Humikab ako ngunit hindi ko pa naman nararamdaman ang matinding antok kaya tingin ko ay makakapag reply pa ako sa magiging sagot sa akin ni Wen.
Wen:
The hell is she? What did you tell her? Don't tell me pinatulan mo sya kaya nag iinarte 'to ngayon dito?
Me:
Sinabi ko lang na wala akong pake kung ayaw nya sakin. You're so mean she's your friend.
Wen:
I'M LITERALLY LAUGHING RN HAHA! She is my friend but I won't tolerate her attitude. Well anyways, I'll just text you later when I'm going home or maybe when I'm home. And you, take a rest. Hoped you enjoyed the night.
Me:
Alright, enjoy the party. I'll sleep now so go home safe. I enjoyed the night, thanks! Goodnight.
Hindi ko na inantay na makapag reply siya.
"Taking risk is important but that doesn't mean that every battle is yours. There are some instances when you should just stand right where you are and see what will happen next. And there will be a moment when you should take a risk and give your all even without the assurance so you'll learn. Not everything will be alright. And it is not possible that every thing will be alright all the time. May mga pag kakataon na kailangan masira at masaktan para matuto at magbago. Minsan kailangan makaramdam ng pamamanhid yung puso para matauhan. Dadating yung oras na gustong gusto ng sumuko at tumigil pero hindi padin magagawa at pwede ding dumating sa puntong ayaw mong tumigil at sumuko pero kailangan kaya gagawin mo padin. There will be a time na mararamdaman mo yung ayos nalang lahat, kahit anong mangyare bahala na. Masakit man o hindi bahala na. Mapapagod ka at mauubos. Minsan gugustuhin nalang tumakas at talikuran lahat pero dadating din yung realization na di na kailangan na tumakas o tumalikod sa lahat kasi wala naman iyong mababago. Wala iyong maaayos.
It is okay to not feel okay. It is okay to be stupid sometimes. To be wrong and weak. What you feel is okay so stop worrying. Lahat ng nangyayari sayo ay nangyayari kasi kailangan iyon para mabuo ka. Nangyayari iyon para maging kung ano ka dapat. Stop worrying about the things that causes you pain because somehow it will help you grow. You're not okay today but you will, soon. What you experience, what you are going through will help you survive for the future challenges. Kung ano man iyong sakit na nararamdaman mo ngayon ay malalampasan mo at makakatulong sayo para malampasan ulit iyong sakit na dadating sa paglipas ng panahon. Stop worrying about the things you can't change, wag mong problemahin iyong mga bagay na hindi mo na mababago pa, focus on how it feels and focus on how you will conquer it. Stand up tall and be brave, you don't need someone to fix you. You only need yourself for you to heal. Do not depend on someone because anyone can leave. Your friends and your families can leave you anytime and by that time the only one who will stay with you through ups and downs is your self.
And after all the things you've been through, who knows what will happen next right? But the real deal is, after all that, you have the chance to do better. There are more chances for you to be happy. More chances to be with someone who is meant for you. Sure thing it is not easy. Nothing will be easy in life and in love and that's okay. Even with the most painful effect of life and love you should always believe that your life is beautiful and you will have the love you deserve. So choose to win your own battle. Choose a battle that will help you grow. Choose to win over your issues. Para kahit na mag isa ka pa din pagkatapos ng lahat hindi mo mararamdamang may kulang sa iyo dahil hindi man agad agad dadating iyong para sayo, you need to believe that there will be someone meant for you. Dadating ang tamang tao sa tamang panahon."
I smiled genuinely at everyone, proud and satisfied for my speech.