"You are being immature,Sabrina!" Hamza said calmly .
"No I'm not." My voice cracked.
"Yes, you are. It's s alright. You know it takes time." Hamza said as slowly ran his hands through my hair. It was enough to break me.
"Heyyy, don't cry! " Hamza took me in his arms. I sobbed like a baby.
"You don't know how it feels like. You just don't. You don't know how it feels to see you again got your period. You don't know how I dread these dates. You just don't know. How everytime the blood in my pants breaks my hopes, my dreams. You just don't know with every date it reminds me another month is gone, yet we are trying. You just don't know that it feels like someone has put a sword through your heart. I have to go through this every time." I cried and cried over the fact that I had my period .
For past 3 months we are trying. Almost everyday. I was positive and optimistic in the first month. I just knew a baby will take time to make. But with passing month everytime I had my period, my heart bleed.
No one knew how much I wanted a kid. How much i wanted to feel a human growing inside me. To feel it's kick. Hamza has been supportive all along. But what about me? I'm feeling more useless everyday. No job to do. Heck! I can't even conceive a child!
I sometimes wonder, how people gets pregnant by only one night stand? How? Annd why not me? Last time i checked up, we were completely fine! Was something very wrong with us? With every prayer we made, we poured our heart out. Then again another month of disappointment.
"Allah is the best planner, Babe. Don't break down. We are strong together. Just don't lose your faith on him." Hamza sais as he rubbed my back.
"Why it pains so mucn, Hamza? Why can't just the pain go away? " I cried more. Hamza kissed my head.
"We will be alright, its just wasn't our time." Hamza held me close .
"I feel so useless, Hamza. I am letting you down, letting myself down. I can't conceive a child, I can't make you happy, I'm not even capable of finding a decent job! You saw that day how your friends are so successful, heck look at you! I don't even deserve to stand beside you. What do i have? " I cried more holding him. Hamza broke the hug and stared down at me. His eyes were flaming with anger.
"Come." Hamza said shortly and walked out of the bathroom. I followed him. He patted the spot next to him on the bed.
"Do you seriously think you are useless? Have you seen yourself? You think you are failing me? Have you look at yourself for once? You are everything I wished for. I prayed for. And you are telling me I don't deserve you? Does a child means everything? Do we have to lebel our love with a child? How can you think that you are letting anyone down? Who am I you are comparing with? You are 100% on your own. You are worrying about not getting a decent job? Tell me who was the girl who helped Professor Stevenson with his PhD paper work? I'm telling you it's not our time.
If he is not giving us what we want, he surely has a strong reason behind it. He always has a strong reason behind everything." Hamza said calmly. Though he was way too angry, he kept his calm. I wiped my tears and looked down at my hand. Hamza took a deep breath. He scooted close to me and took my hand on his.
"Let me tell you a story. My Dad's family has always been so religious. They were so into Islam that, their belief level was you can say strong yet pathetic. I'm calling it pathetic cause they used to hate non-Muslims. Just think about an American family, living among non-Muslims yet being their hater. Dad went to an Islamic school. He was never allowed to play with other kids. My uncle and my dad was their only friends. But when dad graduated from high school, he wanted to go university. Cause he was such a bright student. He completed his Islamic studies as well as did a privet course on general studies. My grandfather was strictly against it.
Dad was determined. He would've done anything to go on a university. He even secretly applied for university and got admission. Hearing about this my grandparents were rigid. They never wanted their son to go in a university. They wanted him to join community college then run the business of my grandpa. Dad never wanted to run grandpa's business. Cause that was so hypocrite of him to sell goods to only Muslims. Like seriously? He never sold a single water bottle to a non muslim. Dad didn't want to be like him. Cause he saw the hate in others eyes for them. Because of them Dad had to face so much bullies in the street. They would call him by names just because he is a Muslim and my grandparents were hypocrites.
Back to the point, my grandparents were stubborn but my father was more. He was determined to go. So they came up to a solution to marry my dad off. With that my dad wouldn't be able to think much more than studies causs he would have a family to think about. They thought marrying dad would prevent him from commiting 'sins ' in their words. Dad wasn't really fond of that idea but agreed eventually. So my grandparents found a girl for him. They fixed their marriage. By that time dad didn't even know who he was getting married.
He was not happy. But he wanted university so badly that he was willing to sacrifice a part of his life. He was freaking 19 when his marriage was set to some unknown girl. My grandparents were beyond happy. Happiness dripping from the family and somehow dad found his happiness on his parents. He was willing to get married.
They decided on a joint program. And my grandfather thought it would be best to transfer the mahr money to the girl before the marriage as they were to get married on Sunday. Grandpa transfered the money to the account. And on Sunday they went to the mosque for the nikkah. And guess what? The girl's family never showed up. Dad waited the whole day but there was no sign of that family. They just ran away with the money. My dad almost put all of his savings for the mahr that he was left with nothing. My grandparents were broken and Dad? He was in the middle of feeling sad and happy. Sad cause he had preped himself for the wedding after so many inner conflict and happy that somehow his inner self won the battle.
As expected my family became a whole joke for everyone. Dad was being joked for the groom who's bride ran away. Dad was deeply hurt. So he went to university. There Dad found a new life which was completely different from what he had . He made friends with every kind of people. They never put a bad influence on him. He was grateful to the people he was in. They respected each other. Dad wa living his best life. He also had many female friends. But he knew how to keep a distance. But there was one girl, who he used to find staring at him for no reason. " Hamza chuckled saying that part.
"That girl, Dad noticed her. She was one of Dad's friends. She was from a different religion. So far Dad knew she was completely lost. One day Dad saw her fumming with anger and kicking the waste bin. Dad went to her and told her to stop. She looked at him, in Dad's description she was breathing fire. She was saying gibberish. But then she took out her book and hit Dad on his head for no reason. Dad was dumbfounded. He politely asked why she hit him. She said one of her brothers recently become Muslim. She didn't know what to feel about it. She thought Islam made him that. She thought her brother is gonna turn into a terrorist. She was angry cause she saw how happy her brother was to convert to Islam yet she didn't know how to point out her feelings. She was frustrated. Then Dad came in front her and she thought the only way she can let her frustrations out is to hit a Muslim guy.
Dad found her utterly stupid. But didn't say it out loud. Cause she was younger than him. And he thought it's her naivety which is speaking. After an inner battle with himself, he made himself talk to the girl about her problem. Surprisingly she listen. That's how their days went dad telling her amazing facts of Islam . His main motto was to make her see that Muslims aren't terrorist and islam is a beautiful religion. He got to know she was fighting with her believe. But never in his life he tried to talk her to covert. He was always just telling her stories about prophets. One day, out of blue she came and told him that she wanted to convert to Islam .
Dad was shocked and he was telling her that this is not a silly issue but that girl was determined. Young yet stubborn as hell. Dad got to met with her brother. Her brother thanked him for helping his sister out. And the girl became Muslim. Her brother asked Dad not to meet her as she should first build up her faith in a strong foundation. Dad deliberately agred and started to ignore her. That's when dad first got to know about his feelings. He was missing that girl. He was missing talking to her. He was missing telling her facts about Islam . He brushed the thought of convincing him shaitan was controlling him.
On the other hand that girl was dumbfounded to find Dad is ignoring her. She tried so many times to talk to Dad. He would ignore her. After couple of months the girl gave up and stopped bothering him. Dad's feelings got more strong as he was now missing her badly. He devoted himself more into prayer and studies. After the semester final dad came back home, finding his parents burning with anger.
According to them a proposal came for Dad. He was confused how a proposal can offend my grandparents. Then he was enlightened with the fact that a convert family send the proposal. According to my grandparents they appreciate converts highly but will never accept a convert for their son. Dad said it was never his fault that they sent the proposal cause he doesn't even know the family.
Appearently my grandpa became furious and told him that the girl was from his university. He let them down. Went behind their back, fell in love and blah blah blah. As they accused him for so many things dad couldn't take it and came out of the house. He was having the worst time of his life. His own parents were accusing him of something he never did. He just talked to the girl and showed her the right patjh. Was that his mistake? Dad never went home. He stopped taking money from his parents. He was a bit glad that the girl he liked herself sent a proposal to his parents ,yet he wasn't destined to be with her. That broke Dad even more. 2 times in a row he got rejected when he was willing to give in. All hopes were gone from Dad's life. He started to feel like there would be something in him which always drives out the persons he likes. Couple months later my grandparents apologized to him. Took him home.
He came back and was informed that his parents wanted to give that girl a chance. Dad thought it's the best to ask Allah for this. He got the sign and agreed to marry. He didn't dare to ask how his parents agreed. After his marriage to my Mom. Which was a family drama. He got to know that my mom used to visit my grandparents everyday to convince them to marry her to him. She was determined cause she was sure, she got the sign from Allah. My mom was the one to change the pathetic mentality of my grandparents. My mom made everyone realise you don't get to judge a person's character by seeing their religion. A religion enhances a person's character. His beauty. It's the person. Who has to find the good in himself. Then god can lead him.
In the end after the rollercoaster ride, my dad got to marry and had a happily ever after. It just wasn't the time for him back in his late teens. When it was, Allah, showered him with everything and beyond that. He was patience that's what was the reward. " Hamza finished it and by the time I was into tears. I didn't know what to say. I ws lost of words.
Hamza poked my nose then placed his forehead on mine.
"It's just not our time right, now. Our time will eventually come, In Sha Allah and we will be blessed with everything. Keep your faith on him." Hamza said softly and wiped my tears.
"I understand how much you want a baby. Well not entirely, but i do. We can wait." He said and gathered me in his arms. We stayed like this for a very long time. Untill all of my worries died down.
"Your father was one hell of a halal romeo. And your mom doesn't really look like she is so badass. I love them more now " I chuckled .
"In all that you only picked that ?" Hamza said sounding amused. I stadrted to laugh.
"It's in our genes." Hamza said cockily.
" if that's what makes you sleep at night . " i patted his chest playfully then got out of the hug. That's when Hamzs phone bepped. He checked and smiled at me.
"I have a surprise for you." Hamza said with a boyish grin.
" what? " i said.
"Opene the main door ." Hamza crossed his arms.
I walked to the main door, him following behind . I looked back at him and he blew me a kiss. I rolled my eyes and tunred the look and opened the door. My eyes went wide as i saw what was standing. The second source of my happiness. My walking talking Google!
"Missed me?" sai Alice who was leaning on the door fame.
" on hell ya! " i yelled and jumped on her for a hug.