"Okay, well, I did believe that you would be able to get further into our sessions as soon as you started to open up about yourself more and as soon as you started to express yourself more, but this is amazing progress, Joy!" doctor Kim was astounded once Joy started to talk about her recent dreams and realizations.
"You really think so?" Joy replied happily.
"I think you know by now that it doesn't matter what I think, but what you think" the doctor replied smiling to which Joy replied by smiling back.
"You're taking things into your own hands... Have you had any more walks by the way?"
"Yeah, no, actually, I've been kinda avoiding that."
"How so?" the doctor was surprised.
"Well... The last time I went for a walk, I discovered an old abandonded house... and I went into it. Nothing obviously happened because it was abandonded but... It gave me the creeps, just remembering all the times we broke into other people's houses."
"Okay... So tell me more about that, then."
"About what?"
"Tell me about any random time you, Yeri and everyone else went into a house."
"Oh... Okay"
"I want to know what makes you tick regarding such an activity... Maybe we could explore that situation and find out why you're not comfortable walking around freely anymore. This way we can normalize things like pure walking around town."
"Heh... and I thought I was making progress..." Joy murmured.
"You are, Joy! Don't worry!" the doctor encouraged her. "It just... takes time. And you will fall in your life plenty of times, but the important thing is to know how to get up."
Joy just politely smiled. She was really glad she had doctor Kim to talk to because he seemed like the type of person who really knew what he was talking about.
"Okay... The first time we went into an actual house..." Joy started.
"Yes?"
"It was the whole gang - Yena, Sakura, Yeri and I. Even later on we were joined by Sungmin's friends Eunbi and Hyewon. They are great friends with Yena as well, so it wasn't very surprising to see them there. Yena just called them up, they were already outside somewhere partying so they joined us..."
"Okay"
"Well, basically, Yeri found an old house in some random neighborhood. It had a huge garden, surprisingly no dogs or security. She said she passed that house a couple of times that week and so no one come in or out. She then said she had snuck in closer to see if anyone was currently occupying it and it turned out the house was empty. And that's when she came to the idea that it would be great to party inside that house, maybe take a couple of things."
"Oh... Okay..."
"And yeah... Basically that evening we got drunk, Yeri made convincing arguments and we just went."
"So what were the arguments?" doctor Kim sounded skeptical.
"Honestly, I can't remember. I just knew that by then it didn't even matter to me. I was spiralling so hard at that point - no job, no classes... Just me, the "hamily" and going out."
"Okay... Continue... What happened that night?"
"We went. I was skeptical. I don't know why I was skeptical since I wanted to go, but I was... It was confusing, and so was I... I kept annoying everyone and telling them "we shouldn't be doing this" but everyone was asking me "why did you come in the first place?" and honestly, I think it was just me still not being able to tell myself - "You're in love with Yeri and you're doing this for her"..."
"Oh... Okay, continue."
"We went inside, the four of us. No one was inside just like Yeri had predicted. We found an old record player and decided to play whatever records the owners had, which put a smile on Yeri's face since most of the records were rock or punk classics, which she enjoys."
The doctor just nodded.
A small smile appeared on Joy's face as she remembered it all.
"And it was... I think it was that evening, right around the time that Eunbi and Hyewon arrived, when I realized, or rather, when I thought I should finally admit to myself - I'm falling for her. Once again. I'm falling for another person. After Yoona. And Yena. Here comes Yeri."
"And what moment was that?"
"Well, after Yeri was done with the record player, we decided to play music from our phones and one of the songs was Gashina by Sunmi-"
"I've heard that one, Jennie would play it all the time" the doctor added to which they both smiled. He then nodded, wanting for Joy to continue:
"...And she just started to dance the choreography! Like out of nowhere. It was a side of her I never knew existed. I don't think she knew it existed haha! And yeah, sure, the dance moves were messy and sloppy, but she actually executed a lot of it... like it was really well done!" Joy's eyes lit up remembering Yeri dance.
She then added:
"And she smiled at me while doing the choreography.... Heh... She would just smile, and quietly giggle while dancing. Everyone was cheering her on which was nice. Sakura and Yena even stopped kissing each other in order to look at the performance... And I.... And I kinda melted..." Joy stopped but soon continued:
"And that's when I just knew that I had fallen and there was no way out at that point. That one dumb moment of her just dancing, throwing her hands in the air, laughing, looking at me. We went out plenty of times before that. I would make jokes, she would laugh or slap me on the shoulder if she felt the joker were corny.... We hung out alone in her apartment. We drank plenty of times together, her and I... Our conversations would be about a million things - life, death, music, people, our real families... We would share intimate details about each other's lives... We would confess that we were not sure where we were heading with our lives.... We sent each other memes and funny photos late at night.... All of that suddenly rushed and flooded into my mind as I looked at her as she danced and smiled. And I forgot about the times she would talk endlessly about her exes. And I forgot about the times she called me Soo Young even when I asked her to call me Joy. And I forgot about the times she would ditch our gang just to go and make out with some guy that was 15 years older than her just so that she could feel validated that evening... I forgot all the bad stuff that had happened throughout those weeks. I forgot about all the bad stuff I mentioned to you in passing and in detail. I only remembered the good stuff. I forgot about Yena and I forgot about how fast she brushed me off in order to pursue Sakura.... I forgot all the times I felt alone even though I was with a group of people... In that moment there was only Yeri dancing to a stupid song that we once commented on the radio. In that moment, there was only her and the memory of us talking about it and smiling."
Joy said all of that in one breath. All of the memories flooded her mind all at once and she was not sure what she was feeling, but it was intense. She even had to calm her breathing for a while.
Just before doctor Kim wanted to ask if she was okay, she gave him a single with her hand that she was about to recover soon and that she would continue with her talk.
There was a silence in the room for a while before Joy asked somberly:
"Do you want to comment on any of that?"
"Not for now. I would like for you to continue."
"Okay, I want that too" Joy sighed. She then continued:
"I was on the balcony of that old house when Hyewon decided to join me. She told me that she looked at me while I was looking at Yeri and that she knew that look. She had seen it before on other people. She knew I had fallen for Yeri and she told me to be careful since Yeri can be... a handful. I just smiled at her. And do you know what I said to her?" Joy then asked doctor Kim with a smile.
"What?"
"I told her "Hyewon, I don't care... I'm in love and I want to act on it! I'm going to ask her out!". She just laughed it off. And for a second I laughed with her too. But then I realized - "Wait... I really do want to ask her out.... Why waste time?"... So I got back into the house and asked Yeri right in front of everyone with the music on. I marched right in there, confidence full on and asked: "Yeri... Would you like to go out with me on a date?"..... Silence hahaha.... Just the music playing, but silence between us... Everyone was completely surprised and you could see on everyone's face that they thought she was about to say "no"... But.... She said "Okay... When?"."
"Really?" the doctor was surprised.
"Yeah! That was my reaction! Like whaaaaat?! That was literally everyone's reaction hahahaha! But she then added: "I mean, we're going to have some fun and goof around, right?"... And I said "Yes." I was confused by that and so was everyone else because nobody knew what she meant. She just laughed it off, but she still wanted to go. She kept a badass attitude about it, but she was like "Yeah, why the hell not?" And so... I guess.... I was not fully aware if any of us knew what this thing was going to look like but there I was - I had made a plan to have a date with Yeri."
"Okay... and how did that date go?"
"Poorly." Joy replied while putting up a sad smile.
Or at least not according to plan. She thought to herself.