The sun had hidden itself beneath the horizon, a dull glow of orange light in its wake that faded into deeper shades of red and violet as the moon rose.
Stars had begun to twinkle in the sky above us when Cain and I walked out of the house into the night air.
"I really don't need new clothes," I said, repeating myself for the thousandth time that evening.
Instead of honoring my whining with a response, Cain looked me up and down. His silent judgement upon the outfit I wore—which consisted of his t-shirt, my jeans and snow boots—wasn't subtle but I had a feeling it wasn't supposed to be.
When he continued to walk towards his red Ferrari, I followed, sighing as I realized that my continual protest was only annoying him rather than hindering him.
He was a stubborn man set in his ways.
Reaching down, he opened up the car door for me and I stopped in front of him.
"Why don't we just drive around for a bit and sightsee? We can come straight back here afterwards," I offered, trying my hardest to dissuade him.
Cain drew in a deep breath as he leaned forward to rest his forearms on the car door.
"We will go where I drive us and I will buy what I want to buy. Now, you can get in the car and come with me so you can pick out what you like, or you can stay here while I pick out what I want you to wear. Those are your options."
I fought the urge to roll my eyes as I wordlessly stooped down and got into the car. I knew there was a smug smile plastered on his face as he closed the car door and ventured over to the driver's side to take his own seat.
There was a part of me that secretly wanted to smile too, excited at the prospect of buying new clothes. This part of me made me feel guilty, like I was being a brat. There were plenty of people in the world without anything to wear and there I was begging the man driving a Ferrari not to buy me anything.
However, the other part of me could have withstood the sound of nails on a chalkboard better than I could the thought of Cain spending even a penny on me. I had been financially independent for so long that it made me sick to my stomach to feel like a monetary burden on anyone.
While an internal war raged within me over how to feel about shopping with Cain's wallet, both sides agreed that I was in desperate need of clothes and something to do besides stay in the house all night.
This stalemate caused me to seal my mouth shut as the car roared to life.
The gate in front of the house slid back as Cain drove up to it. When it had opened wide enough, he pulled out of the driveway and drove out onto the street, heading towards the cityscape of Casablanca.
Despite the beauty of the sun setting behind the city, I found myself staring at Cain instead.
"Can I ask you something?"
He looked at me from the corner of his eye, as if the prospect of being questioned scared him.
"Why didn't you tell me about your brother?" I asked.
He shrugged nonchalantly, but I could tell he was thinking hard about what words to use next.
"I didn't think it was important."
"Bullshit," I said incredulously.
"Excuse me?"
I let out a laugh, although it was one of amusement rather than humor.
"For me to be someone that you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, you certainly don't trust me all that much," I said.
"I don't trust you at all."
I scowled.
"Why not? I haven't given you a reason not to trust me."
"It's nothing personal, I don't trust very many people."
I drew in a deep breath.
"Fine, maybe the conversation about your brother could have come at a later time under different circumstances. But you realize that it's not just your brother that I didn't know about. I hardly know anything about you. I mean, when you told me last night that you didn't like to put your head underwater, I felt like I was talking to another person."
"You know about what I do and who I am. You know plenty."
I had to physically restrain myself from punching him.
"Yeah? Well if all I told you about myself was that I was a girl who was in graduate school, you wouldn't know very much about me considering how many other girls there are in graduate school these days."
"I don't know what more you could want me to tell you."
"Specifics!" I said. "Tell me specifics."
"Like what?"
I threw my hands up in annoyance as I tried to think of random questions to ask.
"Anything, Cain. What's your favorite type of music to listen to? Who is your best friend? Where is your favorite place you've ever been? Where would you want to travel to next? Did you play sports growing up? What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? I mean, you could tell me anything and it would be something I didn't know."
He took a deep breath and continued a steady gaze in front of him, eyes trained on the road.
A few moments went by as I waited for him to answer. When he remained silent, I shook my head and leaned it against the window.
Stubborn as a mule.
We made it into the city within a few minutes and pulled into a parking lot next to a street that was lined with shops. We both got out of the car and came to stand on the sidewalk, looking around for the first place to go into.
Because it was beginning to get late, there were a few shops that had already closed down for the evening. There were several, however, that still had their lights on.
"I'll follow you," he said.
I let out a sigh and began to walk down the sidewalk, away from Cain.
He followed me as I made my way into a small boutique.
The girl behind the counter eyed me as I walked in, although I couldn't blame her. I looked a sight in what I was wearing. Not to mention that my hair was frizzy because I hadn't been able to put any product in it before I let it air dry. I also wasn't wearing any makeup to cover up the fact that I hadn't used a proper facewash or moisturizer in weeks. My skin was a dried out, irritated mess.
"Can I help you?" She asked.
"Just browsing."
She nodded warily as I walked over to a rack and began to shuffle through a few shirts and dresses.
"Is there anything I can help you find?" She offered.
I took a deep breath, deciding I was done playing shy.
"I need some everyday clothes. Neutral colors, nothing too involved or flashy. It would be great if I could find some things that could be layered. It's a bit warmer here than it is where I'm from."
She nodded knowingly before walking over to a rack towards the back of the store. I began to follow her, but not before turning to see Cain take a seat next to the front door.
He watched me like a hawk.
While his gaze was intense, I couldn't help but notice something almost warm behind it. I couldn't tell if it was admiration or amusement.
There wasn't much I wouldn't have given in that moment to be able to read his mind.
After several minutes sorting through racks and even more time spent in the changing room, I had a decent handful of things to purchase.
This cycle repeated itself in many more stores; I would pick out clothes and then pretend not to hear the total cost incurred when we checked out.
Cain, however, didn't seem to mind. Although we barely spoke, he never grumbled or made passive aggressive comments. He didn't say much at all, in fact.
His unbothered, carefree attitude about the situation made me slightly less uncomfortable. But that didn't mean I was any less wary of high price tags.
Happy with the new wardrobe and decent skincare regiment I had gotten along with the multiple pairs of shoes that actually fit my feet, I was in a much better mood as we returned to the car a few hours later; both of us had our arms loaded with shopping bags.
The moon and stars were on full display. Although it was slightly chillier than it had been earlier, the weather was pleasant.
I found myself dreading the drive back to Cain's house.
"Let's walk around for a while," I blurted out.
Cain looked up from the trunk space of his car where he was loading up the bags.
"Did you have somewhere else you wanted to go?"
I shook my head.
"I just feel like walking for a bit longer."
He shrugged before closing the hood of the car.
I found myself smiling as I turned away from him and walked back towards the sidewalk.
Turning to him as he followed me, I reached out to grab his hand and tug him alongside me.
"I don't like you walking behind me. I feel like I'm being stalked."
He smiled softly and stepped forward to keep pace with me as I began to stroll.
When neither one of us made an effort to pull our hands from the grasp of the other, I interlaced his fingers with mine.
I felt him take a deep breath as I did so and wondered if it had been the wrong move.
"Cookie dough," he said suddenly, after a few moments of walking silently.
My eyebrows furrowed as I looked up at him.
"What?"
"That's my favorite flavor of ice cream. I lost my taste about ten years ago, but that's the flavor I remember liking the most."
I nodded, unsure how to react to the sudden release of information.
"Jai and Daniel are two of my closest friends but for different reasons," he continued. "Jai is loyal to a fault and he always knows the right things to say. Daniel is easy going and never takes anything seriously, which can be annoying at times but he makes my job a bit easier to handle."
I found myself smiling as he continued to talk, answering my questions that I was surprised he even remembered.
"I don't listen to a whole lot of music because I enjoy the peace and quiet, which is why the cabin in the Kashmir is one of my favorite places to be. I don't really like to travel. I would prefer to be at home rather than any other place on earth."
I gulped as I remembered the cabin in Kashmir. It felt like so long ago that we were there.
He looked down at me as we continued to walk.
"Are you bored yet?"
I smiled as I shook my head, knocking the memories of Kashmir away.
"Not at all."
He took another deep breath, as if talking so much was exhausting him.
"I didn't really get into sports growing up. I tried my hand at a community soccer club when I was young but I kept tripping over the ball until I got so mad I picked it up and tried to throwing it into the net. When I was a teenager, I played ice hockey for a while. That didn't last long either because I don't play well with others, much less on a team. One thing I did really enjoy was cross country, but my parents didn't let me do it for very long because they were scared someone would get suspicious that I won every race without so much as breaking a sweat. I still enjoy running but I don't get to do it often because I stay busy."
"I ran cross country all through high school and college while I was getting my undergraduate degree," I said, smiling at the fact that I had found something in common between the two of us.
"Really?"
I nodded.
"I never won a race," I said laughing. "But I still enjoyed it. I enjoyed it a lot actually."
"You don't run anymore?" he asked.
I shook my head.
"I try to run as often as I can," I told him. "But, like you, I just don't have the time anymore. Well, at least I didn't while I was in school and working."
We were silent for a few minutes before I looked down to our intertwined hands.
"Does it bother you?" I asked him.
His eyebrows furrowed as he turned to look at me.
"What?"
I shrugged awkwardly as I tried to figure out how to word exactly what I was thinking.
"I mean... I don't know, I'm the only girl you've ever slept with that's, you know..."
"Still alive?"
The bluntness of his attempt to help me finish my sentence made me cringe.
"That wasn't what I was going to say."
"But that's what you meant..."
"Sure."
Cain was quiet for a few moments.
"I guess it is kind of weird," he admitted.
I looked at him, but he avoided eye contact as we walked along the sidewalk.
"Do you think that's why you don't really struggle when it comes to sex? Because it's the only kind of intimacy that's never come with consequences?"
He shrugged, clearly uncomfortable with my prying.
When he made no effort to answer my question, I started to apologize.
"I didn't mean to be so awkward and nosy about it," I said. "I was just wondering."
"No, it's okay," he said. "I just hadn't really thought about it like that... I guess you're right."
I gulped, hating that I had put so much awkward tension on an otherwise enjoyable moment.
We came to the end of the street and Cain let go of my hand.
"I think we should probably go," he said.
I nodded, refusing to say anything else for fear it would only worsen the mood.
The walk back to the Ferrari, which was now the only car in the parking lot, was a lot longer than I felt like the walk away from it had been. Maybe it was because there were no other words shared between us.
The drive back to the house was quick. I kept my eyes glued to the city around us, pretending to be distracted by it.
Once back, Cain grabbed all of my bags in one go, taking them inside and upstairs.
I followed him slowly, at a distance.
"Thank you," I said softly, from the doorway.
He looked up from the bedside table where he was taking off his watch.
"For what?"
I gestured around us to the hoard of shopping bags that were lined up against the wall.
"Oh," he said, as if he'd already forgotten them. "You're welcome."
With that, he walked into the bathroom. I heard the shower start a few moments later and I sat down on the edge of the bed. I stayed there for a few moments, staring at the wall in thought.
When he came out of the bathroom, towel around his waist, he seemed surprised that I was still sitting there.
Wordlessly, he made his way across the bedroom to his duffle bag. I turned to watch him as he pulled out a pair of boxer briefs.
"I had a good time tonight," I said softly.
He peered at me from over his shoulder before also grabbing a pair of sweatpants from the bag.
"It was nice," I continued, hoping to get some sort of response.
Cain dropped his towel and began to put on his boxers and the sweats.
"Normal," he said, picking the towel off the floor after he'd finished dressing himself. "The word you should have used was 'normal'."
I nodded in agreement.
"Don't get used to it," he said, surprising me. "I don't live a normal life, so I can't promise that to you."
My eyebrows furrowed.
"I don't want you to promise me anything," I said earnestly.
Cain walked around me into the bathroom to put his towel away. When he walked back out, he grabbed his phone from the nightstand next to where I sat.
"Jai is calling me tonight about the meeting that's happening tomorrow. Don't wait up for me, get some sleep."
With that said, he walked out of the room; leaving me sitting on the bed, shocked at his coldness.
Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut?
- - -