I didn't sleep well that night. I didn't sleep at all, actually. I woke up every half an hour, frantically searching for Lily who hadn't moved from her spot on my chest once. The hospital bed was rather uncomfortable, too, and the blankets were scratchy so that didn't really make things any better. Every so often she would go into a coughing fit and that would startle me awake, and I'd watch her for awhile just to make sure she was actually fine. The nurses even came to check on her a few times, each new one that walked in gave me a new puzzled expression.
She woke up at around ten, right after one of the doctors knocked loudly at the door. I shot him a glare, and he stared at me right back. She was sick, for gods sake, he needed to let her rest.
"Morning, Ms. James!" He chirped loudly. Lily groaned a little and buried her face into my chest. The doctor had a bald head and thick -framed glasses hung from his uniform.
"Morning Doctor," she said sleepily, wiping her eyes but not moving from my chest.
"How'd you sleep, sweetie?" He asked as he grabbed her arm and wrapped one of those stupid cuffs around it.
"Fine, I guess," she shrugged. Finally sitting up so he could check her vitals. I watched him flip her arms over to check on her IV's, each needle stuck into her arm had a nasty black bruise around it.
"Well I'd hope so. You looked rather comfortable with your, um, friend here."
"Boyfriend," she corrected him. "He's my boyfriend and he actually surprised me by coming in this morning."
The doctor looked me up and down for a moment. Then he looked back and forth between Lily and I for awhile before finally saying "That was a nice thing to do, I guess." What a prick.
I heard Lily suppress a scoff beside me, and I laughed a little before pulling her in to kiss the top of her head. The doctor stared at us, but didn't make any snide or rude comments, but his face obviously showed that he wanted to. I would have no problem hitting him right in the face if he had something to say.
"Another friend is in the waiting room, would you like me to send him in or..?" He asked, trailing off a bit.
"Not right now," she yawned, waving the doctor off with her hands. "I haven't seen my boyfriend here in almost a week. If they wanna see me that bad they'll come back later."
The doctor pursed his lips together and left the room with a nod.
"What a dick," she sighed as soon as the door closed behind him.
"Lillian!" I laughed. Lillian was the never the type to bad mouth anyone, what had gotten into her?
"What?" She defended herself, looking at me confused as if she didn't know what she had just said wasn't her. "Did you not see the way he was judging us? Come on. He totally thinks we fucked in this hospital bed!"
I shook my head at her, a smile on my lips as I bit on my lip ring. As much as Lily denied it sometimes, she had become more like me in the months that we spent together, just like I had become more like her. Before her, I couldn't imagine being nice to anyone, ever. I couldn't. But I read trained myself from hitting that doctor in the face just then, and if it were October again I wouldn't have had that kind of restraint. And she was like me in what she had just said. Lily used to never be able to say anything like that about someone.
"I love you," I told her, smiling.
"I know," she shrugged, a smile on her lips as well. She was rather feisty today. Before I could open my mouth to comment on it, her lips were on mine. She tangled her hands in my hair and tugged, eliciting a quiet moan that only made her smirk against my lips. She tried her hardest to get up and sit on my lap, but the restraints of the IV's kept discouraging her.
"Hey," I said, pushing her away a little even though I really didn't want to. I'd missed the natural taste of mint on her lips more than anything the week I was away, and honestly I could kiss her forever. "What's the matter with you? You're sick, babe, take it easy."
She sighed, slumping back onto the bed and crossing her arms over her chest. She looked like a child that hadn't gotten her way. It was adorable, even though I knew she was trying to look annoyed.
"I just missed you," she rolled her eyes. "And I wanna kiss you. Not just kiss you, but like I wanna kiss the hell out of you."
I placed a final kiss on her lips and she sighed again. "Just not now, okay? Not like this."
She nodded slowly, as if she understood just how serious this was. "I'm in the hospital, Harry, I get it."
"You're not afraid?" I asked her, because she seemed to be pretty content with all of this. I had spent the majority of the plane ride biting my nails to bits and clawing at the inside of my forearm. And even now I was anxiously tugging at my lip ring to the point where my lip was throbbing and probably swollen.
She took a deep breath, her face contorting to an expression I couldn't quite read. Anxious? Sad, maybe? Either way it put a knot in my stomach and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.
"I actually need to tell you something," she sighed, looking down at her fingernails. She picked at the red polish, and I was desperate for her to just look at me. I couldn't help the way my nails instinctively dug into my forearm.
"So tell me," I demanded, my voice coming out much harsher than I intended. She finally looked up at me, then down to where I was assaulting my arm with my fingernails. She pulled my arms away from each other and held my hands in her own. I felt like I would vomit at any second and i was completely numb even though she hadn't said anything.
She took another deep breath, using her thumb to trace patterns onto my hands. The gesture felt wrong, it was so nice and tender and I knew the news she was going to tell me wouldn't be either of those things.
"Right before you left, I got a phone call from my doctor, remember?"
"Yes, of course. They told you that you couldn't come because-"
"Right, exactly," she interrupted me. If her hands weren't restraining mine, then I'd probably have clawed my arm to blood-point by now. I resorted to pulling my lip ring between my teeth aggressively. "That night, they told me something..."
"Which was!?" I practically screamed. She winced away from me and I felt like crying. "Which was?" I repeated, this time much softer.
She stared at my chest for a minute, probably at the swallowtails since those were her favorite. When she finally met my gaze again, her beautiful ocean eyes were pricked with tears. Fuck.
"My chemo treatments, Harry, they aren't- they're not- they aren't working," she spit it all out so fast that by the time I actually felt the blow of her words she was already talking again. "I found out on that day and when you came in the room I wasn't crying because of our argument."
My head was pounding, my stomach clenched, wanting to release all its contents but finding nothing. If Lily's hands hadn't been on my own I wouldn't even be sure that this was real right now. This had to be some sick joke. I wanted to say something, to scream or to cry or just do something. My mouth was so dry and the lump in my throat prohibited my from saying anything, so I just sat there in stunned silence on the verge of tears.
"Hey," she whispered, using the pad of her thumb to wipe my checks. Fuck, was I crying? "Stop crying or I'll cry and I'm so cried out its ridiculous." She laughed. It sounded broken and uncomfortable, but it was still a laugh.
"How are you so okay with this!?" I finally snapped. I was still trying to process this. This wasn't real. It couldn't be real.
"I'm not," she shrugged, continuing to gently wipe my cheeks. "But I will be and you will be too."
"Fucking bullshit!" I yelled, jumping out of the bed. I wanted to throw something, punch something. "Why didn't you tell me?!"
"Calm down," she pleaded, looking at me with that stupid pouty look on her face. My anger started to fade and I wanted so badly to crumble to my knees right there. She patted the bed besides her and I trotted back, my fists clenched so tightly that my knuckles started to turn white.
"Why didn't you tell me, Lillian? Something this big and you didn't seem it fit to fill me in? " I begged. I could feel the tears now, freely falling from my eyes and onto my shirt.
"I didn't want you not to go, Harry," she murmured. She was crying too. I hated seeing her cry, but I could hardly see her through my own tears. I was on the verge of sobs now. "You were so excited and I thought I would be fine until you came back. I was going to tell you, I just-"
"What does this mean?" I breathed. I'm not even sure if I wanted to hear the answer. I didn't know if I could handle this.
"I stopped treatments," she cried. That was it for me. A loud sob escaped my lips and echoed through out the room. My shoulders quaked as my body shook with sobs. This was it for me. I stared at my hands as I continued to bawl.
"Harry, look at me," she begged. I didn't obey. "Harry, please." Not happening. She finally grabbed my face in her hands, forcing me to look up at her tear stained face. I hadn't realized just how much she'd seemed to age up until now.
"You're giving up," was the only thing I could say. I kept repeating it out loud, as if saying it enough times would make this any less real.
"Hey," she sniffled. "Baby I'm not giving up, I promise. I'm going to fight like hell for you- for us, okay? I'm going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright." She brought my head to her chest and I sobbed into it. I couldn't feel anything besides an aching throb in my chest.
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Lily's POV-
He cried for what seemed like hours. His loud sobs soaked my hospital gown and echoed through my small room. My heart ached for him. I had accepted it by now and I was hopeful because that was the only option I had left. I only hoped he could be that way eventually, too. He finally cried himself to sleep with his arm wrapped tightly around my body and his head resting on my chest.
I gently kissed the top of his head, burying my face in his curls. I was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay.
I was scared as hell. Of course, I had been for the latter part of the last few months, but now it was like it was actually setting in. I could die. How do you just accept something like that? How does that sit easy?
It gave me a panic attacking just thinking about it, honestly, and as scared as I was I couldn't tell anyone. I had to be strong. For Harry. For my Dad. My Sister. Amelia. Cass. Hell, I needed to be strong for myself because accepting the fact that I could die was giving up and I really could not afford to think like that. Not now, not ever.
I had prayed more these last few weeks than I ever did before. If God wouldn't answer my prayers, I hoped that at least someone would hear me and help me out. My main concern was Harry. He was changed now, and I know after something like this he would probably turn back into his old self.
I was snapped out of my thoughts when there was a quiet knock on the heavy wooden door. I looked up to see the one person I never ever thought I'd see again.
Louis.
"Lily," he said, walking into the room and awkwardly standing at the foot of my bed with his hands deep in the pockets of his skinny jeans . "Hi."
"Why are you even here Lou?" I snapped quietly. Harry stirred beside me and we both stared at the sleeping boy until he settled. If he woke up to the sight of Louis, who knew what would happen.
"I heard about what happened- from um- from Niall and I just wanted to pop in and, uh, see how you were doing," he ran his hands through his hair. He had let it grow out since the last time I saw him, it was set up in the front and squared in the back. It was an odd contrast to the preppy Louis I once knew. He still wore clean blue jeans though and his stupid soccer zip up that only reminded me why we broke up to begin with.
I didn't say anything. But now he was looking at me with concerned filled eyes and a frown as he looked back and forth between Harry and I.
"I heard you guys were together awhile ago," he murmured, putting a hand on the edge of the bed. "But I didn't think you'd actually make it."
"Look," I snapped through gritted teeth. Who did he think he was? "If you came to insult my boyfriend and I then-"
"Not at all," he held his arms up defensively. "Am I not allowed to care about you? I mean, yeah, we broke up and all but I did love you Lillian. I still do and I know I was a total ass and don't even deserve to be your friend, but-"
"You don't say. Where were you, I don't know, two months ago?" I scoffed and tried to ignore the child like pout on his face. Damn Louis for always being so irresistible. He was like a toddler.
"My point is," he said a little too loudly. Harry let out a groan and I tangled my hands in his hair to try and settle him. "I'm here now, and I want to try and make it better. Obviously I can't have you back." A distant look took over his features, and I almost felt bad for him until I remembered how he had kicked me out of his car in the pouring rain. "But I want to be your friend."
Was he being serious? The look on his face was so genuine, but I knew first hand just how conniving Louis could be and I didn't want to have to go through this again. But on the other hand, he was my first love. I lost my virginity to him, and I don't really think that's something you get over. Just as I was about to tell him we could try and be friends, Harry shot up and got out of bed.
"I thought I got rid of you months ago," he snapped. His eyes were red and puffy and his fists were clenched at his sides. "Why the hell are you even here!?"
Louis didn't look panicked or even afraid of the rabid man that literally towered over him. "I just came to make peace. That's all."
"We don't fucking want it," Harry growled, the veins in his neck were popping out.
"Well," Louis shrugged, stuffing his hands back into his pockets. He wasn't backing down from this one. "I didn't come here for you, man, and I'm only leaving if Lily tells me to."
They both darted their gaze from each other to me and I gulped.
"Well?" Harry said impatiently. Louis looked at him with a raised brow and then rolled his eyes.
"I-I forgive you, Lou. I'm willing to Ty and be your friend and I really appreciate you coming to check up on me."
He nodded, that award winning grin plastered onto his face and Harry looked at me with his mouth wide.
"I need to go home," his voice was edgy and I knew he was upset, but Louis was sincere. If I was willing to look past the awful things he had done, Harry should be able to as well. "I need to go change and shower and pack so clothes.... Yeah."
I nodded slowly. he only came over and placed a kiss on my lips. Usually he would have kissed my forehead, but I was guessing he was trying to prove a point to Louis. He kissed me for longer than usual, too. Louis only scoffed and I didn't need to see him to know that Harry was smirking as he was leaving the room.
Louis awkwardly swayed back and forth with his hands shoved in his pockets.
"Since when have we ever been weird around each other?" I laughed and he smiled.
"Never."
I patted the bed and his eyebrows raised, but he came and sat beside me. I threw my legs over his and he laughed.
"How have you been? What have you been up to?" I wondered, staring at him as he stared at the heart monitor. I had toned out the steady beeping awhile ago, but he seemed fascinated by it.
"I should be asking you the same thing, Love," he smiled, and I playfully hit his shoulder.
"I don't wanna talk about me. I asked about you."
"Well," he started, "School's been fine. We won almost every game this season, which isn't odd for the school, but as captain, it was a great feeling. I quit drumming-"
"Woah, what? No way! Why?"
He shrugged. "I just didn't have time for it anymore. Plus, I don't really picture myself as the drummer. I'm a leading man."
I couldn't help my giggle. "The spotlight needs to be on Mr. Tomlinson at all times."
"Damn right it does," he joked. He went on to tell me more about how he was doing. His eyes lit up as he talked about his sisters and his new girlfriend. He even showed me a few pictures of her. Her name was Eleanor, and even though he could "never love her the way he loved me" he liked her a lot. She was pretty enough, and I was happy that he seemed to be happy. I liked this Louis. He was such a good guy when he wasn't a complete dick and I loved his personality and how he could keep me laughing without even trying.
"So," he finally said after our laughter had died down and the steady beat of my heart monitor filled the room. "You and Harry, huh?" There wasn't the slightest bit of malice or disgust in his voice.
"Me and Harry," I confirmed.
He sighed and ran his palms along his jeans. "I should have seen it coming, really. You two were drawn together before I even knew you."
"I'm sorry, you know. For the way things ended between us," I told him and he nodded.
"It was my fault, really. When people are like you and Harry, you don't try and come between that. I kept trying to and that's where I went wrong."
He smiled warmly and then pulled me into the best hug that he could manage in this cramped bed. Granted, he was a lot smaller than Harry so there was more room, but the bed was tiny.
"So," he smiled. "Tell me Ms. Lillian. What have you been up to?"