"Of course we're real friends, Америка," Russia said with a smile.
America smiled to himself, wiping away the remnants of his emotional breakdown a few moments before. He'd rather not talk about it. Or explain it. America forced his voice to sound as normal as possible, plastering a smile on his face, "Thanks, Russ."
Russia gave America a surprised look and quickly looked away, "What's with the nickname?"
"I mean, why not? We're friends now, aren't we?" America responded. Though he didn't show it, America started getting worried, maybe he's making Russia uncomfortable, he probably just messed everything up-
Instead, Russia looked back at America, a smile on his face, "Fair point, Meri."
America's eyes narrowed, "Why is my nickname all... girly?"
"Probably because you seem like a bottom."
America's face whipped to Russia and he stood up to face Russia, "That's not true!"
Russia started laughing. America's face held a mixture of betrayal, disbelief, and shock. That only made Russia crack up more. America huffed, "You're mean."
"No- it's just- your face-" Russia said in between laughs. He couldn't believe how much he was enjoying his time with America.
"Yeah, yeah, I get it, it's funny."
"Oh, don't be mad, Meri, I'm sure you'll fix your bottom woes in no time."
America, closing his eyes and starting to feel a little mad, responded, "And I'm sure you'd just laugh at me along the way."
"Oh?" Russia smirked, catching on to America's mistake, "Are you admitting that you are a bottom?"
America's eyes shot open and his face could only be described as an angry tomato. Or potato. Whichever you preferred. America would've made an angry comment if it weren't for...
"Pahahahahaha!" America heard the cruel cackle of CPR's laugh. America froze and at that moment he was unable to hide the terror that flashed across his face.
Unfortunately for America, Russia noticed that flash of terror in America's face, immediately starting to feel worried for his friend. "Америка? Are you ok?"
Russia's voice seemed to snap America out of his moment of terror. America immediately put a fake smile on his face, "Y-yeah, I'm fine. Just remembered something."
"What, remember that I exist?"
'Not now, CPR.' America thought, trying to test and see if CPR could hear his thoughts.
"Pfft, you can't stop me. I thought we established this already, moron." America noted in his mind that CPR could hear his thoughts. This makes things ten times worse.
America felt irritated at CPR's comment too, but he kept a smile on his face so that he wouldn't worry Russia. America still doesn't want to bother his new friend with his problems- that would be too much to ask when they aren't even that close.
Russia gave America a look, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yeah, are you sure about that, America? Oh right, you're going to push me away like everyone else~" CPR commented, mocking Russia.
'Shut up,' America thought, snapping at CPR. CPR only laughed in response.
"Америка?" Russia asked, shaking America on the shoulders a little bit.
"H-huh?" America stuttered, a little surprised. He was focusing too much on what CPR was saying.
Russia sighed, his face showing worry. America felt a pain of guilt in his heart. "I asked, are you sure about that, Америка?"
"Y-yeah, of course I am!" America said cheerily. Good, no comment from CPR this time.
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Nevermind.
Russia frowned, "I don't think I believe you, Америка. Every other second you seem distracted by something. What's going on?"
America clenched his fist a bit before saying happily, "I'm fine, Russia. I'm serious."
"... If you're trying to get Russia to stop asking, just leave. Didn't think I had to spell it out for you."
That's... the problem. America would feel guilty if he just left. He got way too guilty nowadays. America had a feeling that was CPR's work, but he couldn't quite say he cared at that moment. He felt an annoying ache in his side, actually. That might be the reason he didn't care so much. America refused to believe that he didn't care about something without a reason...
America looked at Russia's face for a second before guiltily looking away. Russia looked so genuinely worried and at a loss for words that America felt awful. He didn't want to worry his friend... Maybe he should just leave like CPR suggested. If he did, then maybe Russia wouldn't be so worried over someone like him.
"Now you're finally catching on. I was right, America. And you know it."
America's eyebrows furrowed as he found a part of him enthusiastically agreeing with CPR. America frowned, but quickly realized that Russia was nearby and put a smile back on his face.
"Hey, I gotta go, Russia. I just realized I have something to do. Sorry." America lied, quickly turning and walking away.
"Америка, wait!" America heard Russia call out. Though he felt awfully guilty for doing this, he ignored Russia and kept on walking towards his hotel room.
When he finally got inside his room, America slowly closed the door, his back to it. America felt tears gathering in his eyes and slid down the door. Not again... America had to be stronger than this... He shouldn't let anyone know, it'll just bother them.
America's mind started straying back to what CPR said. Was CPR really right? Was CPR... right on everything?
No, it- it can't be...
"But it can, America."
America sharply inhaled at the sound of CPR's menacing voice. He sounded so sure of himself... so right...
No... he isn't... there's no way...
"Good point, America. Who's the confident one here? Who's the one who knew what to do in a bad situation? As much as you try to deny it America, you know I'm right."
"Y-you're wrong. There's no way you can be right?"
"Ok, America, when have I ever done or said anything dishonest?"
America felt his mind freeze up. He couldn't think of anything, "You call me horrible names-"
"But they're true." America put his hands up to his ears and closed his eyes as if he was trying to block CPR's voice out. He almost knew what CPR would say next, "You've killed so many, doesn't that make you a monster? You constantly make stupid decisions that risk the lives of others- I'm sure you remember Anna."
"..."
"Silence is often the response that speaks the most... how ironic."
"...Just go away." America sniffled. He didn't want to cry, but he felt the urge to cry starting to take hold of him.
"I can't. I'm a part of you. I will never 'go away' even if I wanted to." America heard hostility in CPR's voice. "You're only a nuisance. To me. To UN. To Russia-"
America interrupted him, "That isn't true!"
"Isn't it? I heard your thoughts. You're only bothering him. To deny that in front of me would be doubting what you previously thought, America."
America couldn't deny that... he had thought he would only bother Russia... He felt so lost, so unsure of himself, and so unbelievably guilty.
"You're worthless. You're useless. You can't even save the ones you love in your own dreams. You're a nuisance. A monster. A bother."
America felt tears pour down his cheeks, "N-no..."
"Everyone would be better off if you never existed." CPR coldly spat. He spoke as if he was teaching one plus one to a child- an easy concept everyone can learn.
America sniffled, "No, t-that's not-"
"Stop being a child and accept the truth, America."
America sharply inhaled and held his breath.
"You're nothing,"
"And you always will be."
--x--
America must've fallen asleep while crying because he woke up the next morning still leaning against his door. He was woken up to pounding on his door and a familiar Russian accent screaming at him through the door.
"Америка! Get up! We're going to be late to the meeting!"
America didn't know why, but he chose not to respond. Maybe if he didn't respond, Russia would leave. Maybe then he wouldn't have to go to the meeting and bother UN again. America didn't want to do that.
"I swear, if you don't open this door right now, I'm going to break it down!" Russia yelled out. America almost didn't believe him until he realized the was Russia. Russia's probably being serious.
With a groan, America stood up, made sure his glasses and gloves were on, and opened the door. Russia almost fell over onto America, he had been pounding on the door so hard.
Russia looked embarrassed and smiled, "Could've told me you were going to open the door."
"Sorry," America responded.
Russia gave America a weird look, "You didn't have to apologize for that."
"... Sorry?"
"Did maple leaf infect you with a virus or something?" Russia looked at America quizzically.
America looked at Russia, confused, "By maple leaf, do you mean Canada?"
"Yeah, maple weed man," Russia replied dismissively.
America snorted and repeated under his breath, wheezing, "Maple weed man."
Russia smiled. He was strangely happy that he made America laugh and smile. America's laugh just made him happy inside- he couldn't place why. Russia coughed, hoping for his mind to move on. "So are we going to the meeting, or not?"
America hesitated before replying with a small, "Yes."
--x--
They had arrived at the meeting just on time. Many countries looked at them weirdly and raised eyebrows at the fact that they arrived together, but that was all. Mostly. Ukraine kept on smirking at Russia and wiggling his eyebrows. 'That idiot,' was the only thought that ran through Russia's head when he saw Ukraine.
America, however, was terrified. He was all too aware of the way people looked at him and it scared him. Before, he had never cared to notice these things, but several countries would give him dirty looks every once and a while, their looks becoming five times more intense when he spoke. So he didn't speak. At some point, CPR had started talking, mocking America and calling him names. He kept on saying the same things over and over again and America couldn't just tune him out, CPR was a part of America's mind, it's kind of hard to tune out thoughts you don't have control over. Even so, whatever CPR was doing must've worked, because America felt like absolute trash once the meeting ended. Nothing was bothering him physically really, he just felt really tired. He didn't feel like fighting. What was the point? How do you get rid of yourself? Wait, no, there is a way.
Russia came up to America, smiling, and asked, "Do you want to do something with me? We can do really whatever you want to do."
America weakly smiled back in response, "I'm good. I'm actually a bit tired, so I'm going to go back to my hotel room."
America didn't like looking at the dejection that showed on Russia's face for a second. Then, suddenly, it looked as though Russia had an idea. "Then I'll join you! We can just sit down and cringe at bad movies if you want."
America forced his smile to widen, "No, no, no, I'm good, really. I'll probably just fall asleep anyway and waste your time."
Russia simply looked at America with a genuinely happy expression, "You can never waste my time America. You're my friend, aren't you?"
America would've said no to going, but he found he couldn't. He didn't want to destroy Russia's happy smile. That would've brought him too much guilt. So America did the only thing he felt he could: Nod and smile.
They ended up going to Russia's room. Why? America admittedly wasn't paying enough attention to know. Halfway through the car ride, America had started spacing out. He wondered how children were doing, painfully remembering that America was the one that caused their pain. That was one of the things CPR kept repeating during the meeting and America could've sworn CPR was right. What he said felt right somehow. America couldn't explain it well enough in words.
They had started watching a terrible movie on Netflix. America wasn't exactly paying attention to its name but it was about a vegan lion. That's dumb. America noted how quiet CPR was. CPR hadn't made a single comment yet. At some point in the middle of the movie, America got up, saying, "Hey Russia, I'm gonna go to the bathroom." Russia looked at him and gave America a thumbs-up.
America walked into the small bathroom and closed the door behind him, making sure he locked it. America exhaled, relieved. He hadn't realized how stressful acting ok had been. America looked at himself in the mirror and, after a bit of internal struggle, America took off his glasses. He looked at himself in the mirror and felt a bit disgusted by himself. He looked awful. Cracks had started coming out of his eyes, but they were very small. America also checked his other cracks and saw how that hadn't grown a lot since last time, despite it being about a day since he checked. Was it slowing down? Why?
America had a hunch that the states had something to do with this but he wasn't sure. The ache in his side had also faded away. The headache was still there, though. America had a feeling that at this point, the states were trying more than him. America kind of felt guilty. Again. The states were doing all the work here, trying to keep America from falling apart, and America was doing nothing. It's not like America knew how to help, anyway. CPR was right once again... he's useless in this moment. America frowned at looked at his clenched fist. He wanted to help, he wanted to do something, but he couldn't. He couldn't help his children. He couldn't save his children from the pain they were undoubtedly in.
He really is worthless.
Surprisingly, America didn't feel the urge to cry, he felt surprisingly numb at the thought, actually. It was almost like the thought was the truth. It probably is. America closed his eyes, thinking. After a few seconds, America opened his eyes and put on a smile. Not an over-the-top smile, America had to make it realistic. America deemed his smile good enough and walked back to the couch, where Russia was at to continue watching the movie. America made sure he laughed whenever Russia laughed, but he was mostly spacing out.
Once the movie was finally over, America quickly found a reasonable time to detach himself from their conversation and leave towards his own hotel room. America entered his hotel room and asked to an empty room, "Why have you gone quiet, CPR?"
America waited for a few seconds. No response. In fact, his mind was completely empty except for the now-familiar throb of his headache. Even CPR is ignoring him now. That's fair. America wasn't exactly worth the time anyway. America normally would've felt hurt at being ignored, but now America felt as though he deserved it. Everything just made him guilty, hurt, sad, or numb now. America knew he should be concerned, but he wasn't. As said before, he just felt surprisingly numb.
America looked towards the "kitchen" part of his hotel room and looked at some of the food he had bought on the first day for himself. He heard the growling of his stomach. When had America last ate? He didn't know, so he grabbed a glass of water and a bag of chips. He didn't really want to eat any more than that. Once he was done with his food, America sat down on his couch and tortured himself with all sorts of thoughts and memories. It was interesting, actually, how the minute CPR left and stopped tormenting America, America started tormenting himself.
Somehow, America drifted off into a restless sleep with all sorts of things he'd rather forget.
CPR wasn't in the nightmares, either.
America couldn't blame CPR for leaving him.
If he could, America would leave himself, too.
But nothing ever goes America's way anymore.
----
Yikes. I didn't know where to end this chapter so here ya go!
CPR seems to have left (if that's possible), the only question is where has he gone, and why?
Also, the next few chapters will most likely cover just one day each, since p l o t. Basically, a lot of time skips cause I need to get this book moving.
Tschüss!
-Selva