"You are many annoying things Avery Armelle... A monster isn't one of them."
That night they gave us all our own rooms to sleep in. Bellamy and I took one together on the second floor above the tavern. Compared to all the places I've slept in my life, this has to be the most lavish. Like the rest of Sanctum colorful tapestries of reds and yellows hang around the room from the ceiling to the floor. In the middle is a bed made of oak, an intricate headrest pushed against the metal shipping container wall as it holds a thick mattress and countless colorful pillows and blankets. There's a small balcony to stand on and much to my own surprise they've figured out plumbing because there are hot water and an operational toilet up here. I cannot tell you how long it's been since I've had a warm shower. Yet when it came time to sleep, I couldn't. With a million thoughts running through my head I couldn't shut my mind off. Part of the reason the unspoken words sitting between Bellamy and I. We need to talk about it, I know it. But I just can't figure out how to bring it up. Usually, I'm a master of words yet now they decide to elude me. So here I am sitting in the dark on the floor of our room staring out the open balcony, my back resting against the doorway.
Are you truly alright? I mean... were you ever really alright?
You had a front-row seat to him losing his mind and you sat in the mud.
Bludgeoning a man to death... I mean that's just cold-hearted.
Oh, what a dangerous combination they made; brain and brawn.
He can't even see what a danger you are to everyone around you.
You left him in Arkadia to take a bullet to the head.
Three hundred and eight-six souls.
"Ave?" dragged from my thoughts by Bellamy's groggy voice, he leans over the large bed dragging a hand down his face. I can't offer Bellamy anything besides a small smile which disappears as quickly as it shows. Quietly watching him pad around the room in some loose black shorts he was given, Bellamy slides down the wall across from me. I can see he's tired but Bellamy tries to shake it off, "What are you doing Ave?"
"Can't sleep", I murmur with a small shrug. With a half-smile, I mention "Believe it or not I think the bed is too comfortable."
Bellamy cracks a small lazy smile "Or your minds running too fast to switch off." I can't help but chuckle under my breath when Bellamy reminds me "When you thought too much you were sneaking off in the middle of the night when we lived in Arkadia to weld shut every loose sheet you could find."
"Sometimes I forget how well you know me" I quietly admit to Bellamy. He cracks a small smile at my words as we fall back into silence. The sound of the night harvest the only background noise to be heard. Staring at the large beautiful planet encroaching into our atmosphere, I decided to break the silence "You know... I wouldn't blame you if what you said to me about Octavia is true." Whilst his expression scrunches at my choice of words, I remorsefully mention to Bellamy hardly above a whisper "I blame myself every day."
"It was the toxin Ave", Bellamy gives me a small dismissive shake of his head "It sent me into drug-induced psychosis. A tailspin-"
"That's just it", I cut Bellamy off, furrowing my eyebrows as I thoughtfully explain "I've been up giving it thought. I think the way we got affected is particular to us."
"We all breathed in the toxin?"
Humming, I add "But I think it tapped into the part of our brain that holds our fears. Our remorse, our guilt, our anger. It molded it and projected it; for some outwards like you and Emori." When Bellamy watches me regretfully as I trail my fingers delicately up my bruised neck, I try to assure him "I know you didn't want to do this to me or Murphy. I know you never would." As tears fall down his cheeks, Bellamy averting his gaze when I tell him "But I think what you said about your sister- about me- you meant because that's how you feel."
"I'm not angry at you because of what my little sister turned into inside that bunker", Bellamy tries wiping his tears away "I'm not Ave-"
"I know", I assure Bellamy, a sad tear falling down my cheek when I point out "I know because you're mad I stood by and watched her spiral into what she is now. That before the call failed those six years ago I promised I'd watch over her and during that time I let her become what she is today." Another tear falls down my cheek when I can see I've hit the nail on the head just from the way Bellamy's teary eyes turn to stare over the balcony ledge. "You resent me for it and that's okay Bell", I tell him, Bellamy's dark sad eyes glance back over to me when I admit "I resent me too."
For a long time, we sit in quiet, Bellamy mulling over my words. "You once told me after you admitted why you hid in the air vents on the Ark that your biggest fear is being alone." For a long second, he just watches me as if he's afraid to ask. His brows furrowed in concern, Bellamy wonders "Did the toxin affect you... inwardly?"
Sadly nodding, I admit to Bellamy "I'd been stuck inside my own head. Visited by five apparitions of myself. All me but... not."
"Did they hurt you?" Bellamy's voice breaks when he wonders "Attack you in your head like I..."
Knowing what he's referring to I shake my head. "It was more of am an emotional attack. They brought up every single death that's been my fault. Everyone I've killed as I paraded myself around our camp's as a Fierce Protector. The man I bludgeoned on the Ark, Atom, Charlotte, Murphy, the Mountain Men, Pike, the Trikru army, Sinclair, Wick, Jasper, Maya, Lincoln- they all showed up and said it was my fault." Running my hands through my hair, I pull my knees to my chest "And they're right. I couldn't protect any of them- and the fighting pit-"
"Wasn't your fault", Bellamy calmly interjects as I slowly begin to unravel before him, "That was my sister-"
I'm not sure if I laughed or choked on my tears "I wish it was that simple." When Bellamy watches me carefully, I take a second to calm myself. Breathing deep, I roll my quivering lip "Two years after Praimfaya we hit an issue we thought we wouldn't have to face until five years. We called it the Dark Year." Bellamy's brows furrowing at the grim name, I gag on the word itself "Protein."
"Protein?" Bellamy repeats as if he hadn't heard correctly.
Reluctantly nodding, I cringe "The soybean plants became infected with a fungus which was rapidly killing off the crops. We weren't going to survive the estimated one year without a protein source... and... there was only one place we could get it." Watching Bellamy's features slacken, stray tears fall from my guilty disgusted gaze "The fighting pits become more than a punishment. More then sport. It became a means for our own survival."
"Omon gon oson" Bellamy murmurs as my body shakes from my remorseful sobs "All of me for all of us." After a quiet moment of me trying to recollect myself again, Bellamy asks quietly "Did anyone... just... not?"
"Kane tried and a few followed his path" I admit sadly to Bellamy, turning my gaze back out the window "But if you are not Wonkru then you are the enemy of Wonkru. Octavia shot three people in the head until Kane bent the knee. Clenching my teeth I shake my head as if I could shake the memories out of my head. The deafening gunshots heard in my head as if I was transported in time. "That's where I think I began to lose her. Where the monster began to grow and I didn't do a damn think to stop it. I stood by and watched her execute her own people, train children, and decide who got to live and die in the pit. Every time I stood by and supported her without saying a damn thing. I convinced myself it was for our survival. It was a strategy for keeping everyone as Wonkru and it worked. Realistically it's an excuse I've created to help me sleep at night." Glancing back to Bellamy, I my voice breaks "I'm not better than her. I'm the same monster as she is... I'm just better at hiding it. You should hate me for it... I hate myself for it." Unable to look Bellamy in the eye I duck my head into my hands, letting sob after sob falls from my lips as I let go of everything I've held onto. The remorse from the bunker, the pain from the gorge, the loss for my two best friends, guilt from the toxin. It all floods out and down my bare cheeks. I know Bellamy hates me for it. He said as much when he had his hands around my throat.
Hearing him shuffle to kneel at my feet, Bellamy's hands trail up my forearms to rest on my hands. "Ave look at me", I listen to him softly murmur, his fingers gently prying at mine as I cry into myself "Ave. Come on. Look at me." Trying to cut my sobs off by rolling my bottom lip between my teeth, I let Bellamy move my hands away. Clasped in one of his own the other gentle moves to delicately glide under my chin. Thumb rubbing my cheekbone softly, Bellamy murmurs with a small smile "You are many annoying things Avery Armelle... A monster isn't one of them."
"Wick would be so disappointed in what I've done."
"What? Disappointed you remotely blinded an eye in the sky? Disappointed you figured out a plan to get us through a heavily defended gorge? Disappointed you flew a transport ship down to the ground? Disappointed you survived a rage toxin on a strange new planet a hundred and twenty-five years later?" Laughing himself when I choke on my own laughter, Bellamy beams softly "Avery, Wick would be so proud of you." Leaning into his touch my body falls into his. Shaking from sobs that wreck my body. The valve to the trauma has broken and in drowned in waves of grief and regret. Grateful Bellamy's here to hold me so I won't completely fall apart.
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Stretching out my arms and legs I roll comfortably under the sheets. Eventually, I passed out last night no doubt after my crying wore me out. My eyes flickering open, I feel momentarily disorientated when I don't feel Bellamy besides me. It's only when I roll my neck around that I see him fiddling with the button on his pants, hair wet leading me to believe he's already run himself through a shower. A small smile forming on my lips, I let my head sink into the soft pillow as I admire him. Probably because he felt me watching him, Bellamy glances up "It's rude to stare."
"You and I both know sensitivity was never my strong suit." A smile falls on his lips as I throw the covers off me and roll out of the large bed. Honestly, I've never seen a bigger one in my life. I could probably fit three others in it- plus the building that is Bellamy Blake.
Snaking my hands around his bare waist it's as I press a kiss to his soft lips that I hear over the PA "By the glory and grace of the Primes, daily Tai Chi is commencing now. May your hearts be filled with love and light as we love as one on this glorious Naming Day."
As I lean away groaning distastefully, Bellamy laughs outwardly at my sour expression. "Not a fan?"
"Bellamy I hate to break this to you... but we've settled in a hippy village." As Bellamy picks up his shirt, I flop myself onto our bed with a sly and taunting smirk "I bet they believe their personalities are reflected in their astrology sign too. They probably marry themselves off to a compatible water sign as they perform Tai Chi down the aisle of tie-dye and daisies."
"Isn't it too early for you to be this dramatic?", Bellamy throws back at me slipping his shirt over his amused expression. As I tilt my head with a challenging look, Bellamy adds airily "Some astrology could be true-"
"What? Because a couple stars aligned?" I question Bellamy as he tugs my legs closer to him at the end of the bed. Never wavering I continue on, "A man named Bertram Forer conducted scientific research on the matter and in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulous experimentation that astrology is nothing more than pseudoscientific nonsense."
"How very Capricorn of you" Bellamy teases with an all too smug smirk. Leaning his hands on the bed, Bellamy presses a quick kiss to my lips. When I'm hesitant to return the kiss, he murmurs against my lips knowingly "You're not going to let this go are you Ave?"
"I'm telling you now", I warn him "If someone comes up and asks to see my tea leaves, read my cards or sing in their folk band-"
"You're going to beat them down with your brain?" Bellamy summarises with a knowing smirk. Sighing when I give him a knowing nod, Bellamy encourages "How about you get in the shower then so I can keep an eye on you, your opinion and your social skills down stairs."
Slipping off the bed, I hook my fingers through his pant loops with a sly smirk. Tugging Bellamy with me towards the bathroom, I suggest "I will if you come with me."
Groaning in protest, Bellamy doesn't put up much of a fight as I suggestively tug him after me "I already had one Ave!" Despite his protesting Bellamy grins as I pull him after me into the small bathroom of our room.
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Jogging down the stairs it appears we're the last to join the party. Clarke, Jordon, Echo, and Raven all stand at the base of the steps with expectant expressions. As I drop down beside Raven, Bellamy asks them "Murphy and Emori?"
"Went to guard the ship with the others", Jordon supplies for him quickly, biting into some round golden crumbling looking food that contained dark spots.
As I try to figure out what it is, Echo wonders "Murphy missing a chance to act like a drunken fool? Now I'm worried."
"He'll be fine", Raven assures her before suggesting "Maybe the rest of us should go there too?"
Before anyone can have a chance to discuss it, Jordon blatantly disagrees "What? No. I need this." Watching him spare a glance over at Delilah, I can't help but smirk. Not a couple days on this moon and he's already thinking with his-
"We're guests of the Primes", Clarke cuts my train of thought off, reasoning "If we isolate ourselves to the ship they may take offense."
"Jordon?" Delilah calls over to him. As if noticing our hesitance, Delilah beams with a friendly smile when "Guys come on."
Jordon doesn't even spare us a second glance before he's wandering off to take Delilah's hand. Clarke and Echo follow them easily out the tavern whilst Raven sourly informs us "I'll be at the bar."
When I spare a glance at Bellamy he sweeps my hand up and tugs me towards the door. "Come on", he encourages "Indulge me." I roll my eyes be let Bellamy pull me after him out the tavern doors.
Wandering across the red dirt and perfectly edged gardens, we follow Clarke and Echo to gather before the palace. On the extravagant balcony stands Russel and Simone, both coordinated in their outfits once more. Whilst Simone wears her usual hard expression, Russell beams out over Sanctum. "Welcome to naming day", he greets as a round of applause echoes around the crowd. "Today we observe the four pillars of Sanctum" Russell states before asking "They are?"
Just like that, the crowd around me fills in the pause. Raising my eyebrow, I listen to them chant "Repent! Renew! Rejoice! Rebirth!"
"How poetic", I lowly murmur under my breath, warily glancing around.
"Correct. Rebirth. Rebirth!" Watching Kaylee and another joins the royal pairing, I listen to Russell preach "Today we make the return of our beloved Priya..."
"Hallowed be her name!"
As I gaze around, Russell continues to speak "Indeed. As we bequeath her name to our equally beloved Delilah." Just like that, another round of applause erupts "As if tradition with every Naming Day I will begin the process of making amends." A sober shadow falls over Russell's expression when he tells everyone "As your leader, it's my job to keep us safe during the Red Sun. Kaylee..." Turning to face her, Russell remorsefully says "I failed you in this. When I realised you and your family didn't make it to Rykers Keep before the eclipse I closed the door. I kept it open as long as I could until the life of everyone else was at risk. It was a decision with tragic consequences. I know the heartbreak you feel, I know your pain." Torn up and barley above a whisper, I listen more thoughtfully when Russell states "I miss Josephine every day." Simone barely looks at him for a second before he's glanced back to Kaylee "... and the fact that I am the cause of this pain for you..." As he trails off once more, Kaylee reaches over and wraps Russell in a tight embrace. At the gestures, applause erupts once more. I's be lying if I didn't admit I gave a small clap to him too. Turning back to his people, Russell urges "Now it's your turn. Tell your neighbor that you love them. Make amends with those your hurt. Free yourselves."