imagine 41
ethan dolan — just one more time
summary: after your death your stuck in a place where you're forced to watch your lover play your song in agony of missing you.
warnings: angst, cursing, u know the vibessss
word count: 1,664 words
the song you and ethan have together is the good side — troye sivan
her heart was breaking, the continuous torture of her heartstrings were cutting every second. and y/n wasn't even sure that made much sense anymore. did she even have a heart? could it be possible that this lifetime of misfortune cause her any more pain. she wanted to believe it could. just from watching her lover in agony. it made her want to believe that her sadness was killing her all over again. a hiccup of cries were beginning to harmonize with the song he played on a loop.
y/n wanted to touch him. she wanted to speak to him. y/n wanted to tell him she was okay. y/n wanted to tell him to stop playing the song. fuck, y/n wanted to be alive. she wanted her boy.
she shut her eyes for a moment. the memories still lingering of his warmth, the feeling of his hair grazing through her slender fingers. the sound of his voice in her ear, the sensations of his kisses on her lips. all of it was beyond comprehension. she couldn't put into words the way it made her feel. to always be just be on watch of his despair. but to keep it simple, it was deadly. as ironic as that was since she was the dead one. "the people danced to the sound of your heart." y/n always knew that their love was made from the movies, that it was always something more.
but she never knew it was made for something this wicked.
the world's hell was always described differently from every voice. but she thought it would be dark, lonesome, even the typical fiery environment seemed more ideal than this. she could have handled that better. but they never described
this to her.
that she would be chosen to be stuck between a void of dark and light. that she would be destined in her afterlife of watching the person she loved most. that she would live an enteral quiet torture. and for days, weeks, and months, she watched ethan. and she couldn't lie, those first few moments once she opened her eyes and saw him in front of her, she could have sworn her heart started beating again.
that y/n was given the second chance to love him all over again. until that invisible wall that surrounds him became known to y/n.
and it wasn't that hard for the first couple of hours. because ethan laid in her bed, in silence. he clung to her pillow and every once in awhile he shut his eyes and grip the item a little tighter. pretending it was her. then he would cry. he would cry so much. that really broke her. even more when he screamed from his dreams. when he shouted at the night sky begging for his love back. but she thought she could get through that. and if she wanted to, she could look at the good side of things. she still saw him. she still watched her love every moment of the day.
but it was that one night. that night when silence finally overcame the sobs that were normally ethan's. until the first note played. her eyes were shut but reopened from the familiarity of the tune. and he sat on the floor, playing that song. the song they promised would be theirs. and she wanted to believe that was when her not so real heart would start to break all over again. and she understood what was so treacherous about the afterlife. at least when it came to hers.
so as y/n heard their song for the hundredth time she began to beg once more. "please let him hear me." she cried. "just this once." y/n sobbed when she laid beside him. "let me tell him how much i love him." she said. "let me fucking speak to him!" she screamed, a whimper falling after her words. "please, please, please, please, please, please." she begged in whispers now, her body shaking from her cries.
"ethan?" the sudden new voice had made her attention be placed on another face that was well known to her. "ethan." he repeats. but he does not answer. instead he stays glued to the floor where the song plays.
"go away grayson."
"but i think-"
"no i don't want to eat." he answered before the other twin could even utter. he seemed to already predict what came next from his voice. "no i don't want to turn off the song and i don't want to get some rest or shower or stand up or go for a walk." he rambled on, a monotonous tone going along with the words. "what i want is for you to leave me alone for once." that part was said differently. it didn't sound so numb coming from his lips. it was harsh and even aggressive. even that hurt y/n.
"when are you going to learn?" his brother finally speaks up after a few moments of silence.
"fuck you, grayson."
"no really, ethan." he raised the volume of his voice. "when are you going to finally live again. when are you going to get over this and come back to life?" he shouted. the sudden question a trigger to ethan as he stands up. he goes straight for grayson with anger in his movements.
"getting over it?" he screamed. "she was my wife!" he yells. "the only person i have ever loved and she's gone! and you just want me to pretend like it was nightmare? like all of it is a bad dream?" ethan says, pain mixed within the vexation. "i'm trying." his tone is broken, his shoulders slump and the exasperation was diminished as his head hung low. "but i can't get her face out of my head." he says in whisper. "i can still hear her voice."
"ethan i-"
"i don't know what everyone wants me to do." he lets out. "but it's like when i close my eyes i feel like she's there. and when i hear the song if i try hard enough i can feel like how it was before everything happened." it was easily understood that tears fell from the corners of his eyes and over the curves of his cheeks. "and if i could do that then what's the point? i rather live my life feeling like she could still be here than come back to reality." he admits. and that part had pained y/n all over again. because she was there, she was here. listening to the song with him, crying with him.
and she just wanted him to know that too.
"ethan i'm sorry." grayson announces softly.
"you don't get it." ethan tells him, almost not even hearing the boy's apology. "you don't. mom doesn't. cameron doesn't. none of you do." he says, finally walking away from and right back to the stop on the floor where y/n had sat watching. trying for the millionth time to reach out to him. grayson had watched in that moment and then left without a word as he shut the door. y/n still reached out, her hand in the process. even when she knew that invisible wall would ruin her attempt.
until it didn't.
because when his fingertips grazed through the locks of his hair her breath had caught in her throat. the feeling of softened brown strands of hair had made her eyes water. and she moved her hand to his cheek. where the palm rested at the curvature of his face. his eyes were closed and she wanted to take in every second fearing it would stop at any moment. "ethan." she whispered.
and once his irises were presented to her, she had smiled for the first time since she was stuck in her world. "y/n." the sound of her name from his voice was enough to make her content for an eternity.
"you could see me?" she cried. both hands now cupping his face as he began to sit up in hopes of getting every detail of his love before he was sure he would wake up from his dream.
"how are you here?"
"i'm always here." she told him, whimpers between the syllables of words. "you just could never see me."
"always?" he asked with such innocence.
"yes, every moment." y/n stated. "i hear you cries, i hear your voice, your prayers, your begging." she paused. "i hear our song." and that mention made ethan break into a string of sobs. his head pushed into the crook of her neck when he cried. cried the hardest y/n had ever seen. and his arms wrapped around her waist. he pulled her the closest he ever could to him. ethan didn't want to let go of his home.
"i've missed you." he cried. y/n nodded as her left hand had began to rub circles into the back of his neck.
"i know." she said.
"you don't know how many times i have prayed to anything to just let me hold you once more." he weeped and finally he removed his head from her chest as he looked. like his eyes were trying to take in any detail of her. his hands moved to her cheeks to cup. and within that second he had connected his lips to hers. the kiss was filled with such longing. such desperation and dejection. and if that kiss could talk, it would tell the world that ethan had wanted nothing more than to just kiss his wife.
nothing more than to just have one more time with her.