It's been 3 months since I've been back after going missing....and its been 3 months since Suga has been on his so called private vacation....don't get me wrong the quiet and freedom is nice and all....but I'm still terrified....not because I'm afraid of what he's doing on his vacation? or where is vacation is at?...but terrified on how he's going to be when he gets back from his so called private vacation and see's me here....I look out my bedroom window as I sit in my window seat with so many things going through my head.
Is he going to be more aggressive when he comes back?, is he going to hurt me again?....how is he gonna react when he finds out I was staying with other men the whole 4 weeks I was missing?.....I look over at V's jacket laying on the bed....how is he gonna react when he finds out what happened or almost happened between me and V...it's bad enough Suga is already bumping heads and picking arguments with Jungkook because of me.....I don't want him to start with V to.
Speaking of V...ever since that day when he brought me home with Jimin, Jin and Jungkook and ever since me and him almost had that moment with each other....he's been avoiding me...whenever I see him in the hall or in the dorm I say hi to him and he just ignores me....whenever I try to sit next to him he always gets up and moves somewhere else or just goes in his room....he doesn't even try to communicate with me anymore when I'm feeling down or need someone to talk to....its always Jimin and Jungkook who communicates with me anymore.
I sigh in frustration....V what is going through your head?.....what did I do so wrong for you to avoid me and act as if I don't exist anymore I bring my knees to my chest as I look away from V's jacket on the bed and I lay my head in my legs and sob silently to myself....what is so wrong with me that I get treated like this? was it a mistake for me to come back?....should I have just stayed missing?.....if I would have just stayed missing then maybe Suga would have never left on that stupid private vacation and maybe V wouldn't be ignoring me so much?.
I got up and walked over to the bed and grabbed V's jacket in my hands and walked back over to the window seat and sat back in it I glanced at the framed picture sitting in the window seat...its a picture of me, Suga, and V together at the beach....it was my first summer here in Seoul....back when Suga wasn't so overprotective and abusive...back when we all where close and still got along with each other.....back when Suga must have been taking those pills?....is that where you went for your private vacation Suga?....back to the beach where all the good memories are?.....my sobs grew louder as I held V's jacket to my face and cried in it.
I was walking down the hall way to go back to my room when I heard what sounded like sobbing?....I stopped abruptly to listen to see if I was hearing things?.....as I stopped and listened I heard the sobbing again....so I wasn't hearing things then....I followed the echo of the sobbing and it lead me to a door where I heard the sobbing now louder and clearer now and I look to see the door cracked open....I look at the door and I see the faint blood stains on the floor....this is Rachel and Suga's room.....Rachel's the one sobbing?....what's wrong with her?....why is she sobbing for?.
I quietly open the door a slight bit more making it easier to see in, I looked inside and I scanned the room for Rachel but I didn't see her anywhere...I looked towards the window seat and there I saw a sobbing Rachel....she was holding my Jacket and she was crying into it....I could feel my heart breaking as I stood there and watched her crying...I wanted to walk in and embrace her and comfort her so bad but I fought back the urge and stayed in the hall way watching from a distance.
I watched Rachel pick up a picture frame that was sitting in the window and I was curious as to what picture it was that she was looking at?, I sighed as I began to back away from the door until I heard speak, " why?....what did I do so wrong for Suga to abuse me so much?....what is so wrong with me that V keeps ignoring me?", that did it...I felt the tears fall from my eyes....how could she say such horrible things about her self?....you didn't anything wrong Rachel....there isn't one single thing wrong with you....your absolutely perfect....everything about you is perfect.....its me that's not perfect....your suffering because of....me.
I turned back around and peeked back in the crack of the door tears falling from my face....I watch as she squeezes my jacket close to her chest as she lays down in the window seat holding the picture in her hands as they shake and she screamed,...." I SHOULD HAVE JUST STAYED MISSING ", I watch as Rachel throws the picture frame with such force that the frame shatters and slides under the door into the hall and in to the wall across from me, I felt more tears fall from my eyes....she wish she stayed missing?....I walked over to the shattered frame on the floor and I grabbed the picture carefully and shook the shards of glass off of the picture.
I blew on it carefully to make sure any small pieces of glass and frame where off of it and I lifted the picture up and looked at it....I felt my heart wrench as I saw what picture it was....it was the picture of me and her and Suga all on the beach standing in front of the ocean...Suga has his arm over Rachel's shoulders and he's kissing her head with a smile and I'm right beside her as I'm resting my arm on top of Suga's arm on her shoulder as I'm making a V with my fingers and Rachel.....Rachel is smiling as are me and Suga....this was her first Summer here with us....when we where all happy and close....when Suga must have been taking his pills?.
Jin had taken this picture...he wanted to capture the memory.....he wanted to capture the youth in this particular moment....I backed up and my back hit the wall as I slid down the wall crying and I lean my head back against the wall clutching the photo in my shaking hand.....what have I done?.....I look back in the crack of Rachel's door and I see her laying in the window seat clutching on to my Jacket crying....I did the exact thing I told her I would never do to her.....I made her cry....I lay my head in my hands and silently cry....I promised her I would never make her cry like Suga dose...and yet here she is....crying.....crying because of me.
I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping a distance from her....I thought I was preventing her pain by staying away from her...but its the exact opposite....im causing her more pain by staying away from her.....I'm so sorry Rachel....im so sorry for making you cry.....I broke my promise....im so sorry Rachel.....forgive me....I'm a sinner.
I was walking down the beach listening to the sound of the seagull's cawing like and obnoxious child begging for it's mothers attention...I sigh and keep walking down the beach as I listen to the waves crashing down on the beach, I don't know why the hell I'm walking down this beach for but I can help it....it's like a nagging pull that's pulling me to walk down this beach in this particular direction but I have no idea what the fuck for?, Its been three weeks since I was in coma from Rachel striking me over the head with a metal rod....in all honesty I cant really argue with her actions....I deserved it for chasing her like a mad man through the dorm.
I touch the spot on my head where Rachel bashed me at with the steal rod and I wince at the pain seeing as it's still tender a bit...I wonder if the guys found her yet or not?....I've been here for three months straight on my Private Vacation....I've been here at the beach for three months now...I had plans to disappear to California for my private vacation but I ended up here at this damn beach without any knowledge why, yes it's peaceful and nice here and all but that still don't explain why the fuck I came here instead of California?.
As I walked down the Beach all of a sudden something caught my eye and I stopped in my tracks and looked at it...there is no way?....as I looked to my left I couldn't believe what I saw and I placed my hand on my mouth as I saw the black beach house that looked familure to me, I dropped my shoe's into the sand and walked over to the boardwalk and hopped up on to it and walked towards the old beach house.....it cant be?...is this what the fuck pulled me here?, I wiped the sand off of the window and looked inside of it and sure enough it was it.
Holy shit...this is the beach house that we all stayed in that summer....this is the beach house we stayed in....the one we stayed in when it was Rachel's ....first Seoul summer, I backed up away from the beach house shaking as I run into the Boardwalk railing, I quickly turn around and look out near the hammock and memories flash through my mind....it was so vivid...in the hammock laid....me and Rachel in each others arms....I closed my eyes and reopened them and the memory faded as I heard vivid laughter so clear that it was like it was happening right here right now.
I turn towards the sound of laughter and another vivid memory appears In front me....standing in front of the ocean I saw me, Rachel, and V...my arm was over Rachel's shoulders and I was kissing her head with a smile...V's arm was resting on my arm on Rachel's shoulder and he was making the letter V with his two fingers and we all where smiling, I saw Jin Hyung standing in front of us with a camera counting down to one with his fingers before saying cheese and snapping the photo.
I watch as Jin puts the camera down and smiles as the polaroid picture prints out of the bottom of the camera and he smiles and says, " perfect memory....I wanted to catch the youth in this moment", the memory than fades away and I shakily reach into my pocket and grab my wallet with shaky hands and tears falling down my face as I open my wallet and take out a folded image the white backing of it...yellowed with age as I drop my wallet I unfold the image revealing it covered in wrinkles in color and with shaking hands I hold the image up facing the way where the vivid memory played at.
I looked at the image and back at the spot where the vivid memory played at then back at the image, more tears fell out of my eyes...the image background...it's exactly the same as in the vivid memory....in the image it was me, Rachel....and V....my arm was over Rachel's shoulder and I was kissing her head with a smile....V had his arm...resting on my arm....on Rachel's shoulder....and making the letter V....with his fingers...and we where all smiling.....I stare at the image with tear filled eyes.
My eyes get pulled away from the image when I hear Rachel's high pitch squeal, " AH SUGA NO", I turn around drastically and look behind me and another vivid memory appears...I see Rachel laughing and running from me and I'm chasing her with a smile on my face also laughing .... I hear me say, " IM GONNA GET YOU", I keep chasing her laughing as we run down the boardwalk and she mocks me with a sweet laugh, " OH NO YOU WONT ", our laughs both echo down the beach as I follow the memory all the way down the beach to the oceans end and I then catch Rachel with a laugh and pick her up and spin her us laughing and her squealing.
I then see myself still spinning and I hear her call out in a sweet voice, " AH SUGA PUT ME DOWN....YOUR MAKING ME DIZZY", her sweet laugh echo's out after she asked me to put her down and I then put her down and the ocean splashes on our legs as I hold her close as we both laugh and I say to her, " I told you I was gonna get you ", I see myself smile at her as she places her arms around my neck and she speaks in her sweet voice as she says to me, " yea you did so what are you gonna do now huh?", I see my self give off a devilish grin and lean into her face.
I watch as we both lean into one another and we both share a passionate kiss as the sun sets in the background...I then pull away from her and say, " I love you Rachel", I watch her smile back and her sweet voice says, " I love you to Suga ", I smile tears falling as the vivid memory fades away and I hear the echo of our voices, " I love you Rachel ", " I love you to Suga", as our voice echo fades away I fall to my knees with tears falling from my eyes as I hold the picture in my hands and look's at and I run my thumb over Rachel's face in the picture....what have I done?....I now know why I'm here...that nagging feeling that was pulling at me to come here...that nagging feeling was....memories.
I've been sitting outside of Rachel's room crying for hours holding the picture in my hands...I sniffle as I've ran out of tears to cry...I use the wall to help me stand and I grab Rachel's bed room door and open it and I walk In looking down, " Rachel I'm sorr", I cut off my words as I look up at Rachel...as I look up at Rachel I see that she's asleep in the window seat covered up with my jacket half way off of her with tear stains on her face....she's completely spread out In the window seat like it was specifically just for her....I softly touch her face with my hand and rub my thumb on her cheek....she looks so beautiful and peaceful when she sleeps....she looks like a beautiful broken angel when she sleeps....my beautiful....broken angel.
I see her shiver in her sleep a little and she lets out a small whimper as two tears stream down her sleeping face...I shed a tear as I gently wipe away her tears and I pull my Jacket up on her arms fully covering her and I place the picture on the pillow by her head and I kiss her softly on her head and rub it kindly and I softly speak to her even though she's asleep, " I'm so sorry my Angel...I don't mean to cause you pain....I made a promise that I would never make you cry or cause you pain like Suga does...but here I am....I did exactly that....I made you cry....and I caused you pain", I began to cry again and my voice cracked, " I thought that....me avoiding you and not...talking to you....would save you and me from....from heart break.... but instead it....it....it just caused us more heartbreak".
I was walking to my room when I heard V in Rachel's room crying....I walked to the door and looked in it only to see V a crying mess leaning over her crying and apologizing to her about something....I then watched as he pushed himself off the wall and bent down over her and he said something to her, " I love you Rachel....I love you so much....I'm so sorry for causing you so much pain and I'm so sorry for breaking your heart....tomorrow I'm gonna make you better...and I'm going to heal your broken heart", I was full of rage after I heard what he said, I looked in at him again and I watched as he leaned down and kissed Rachel on her lips.
I was furious, I saw him walking towards the door to exit the room and I went and hid around the corner, I watched as he walked out of the room and quietly shut her bed room door I watched him walk into his room and then closed his door, as soon as I felt that V was in his room for the rest of the night I came from around the corner and opened Rachel's room and walked in quietly shutting the door, I looked over near Rachel and there she laid sleeping peacefully in the window seat, I walked over to her and smiled as I sat in the open spot on the window seat gently.
I saw the tear stains on her face and I already knew she had been crying again, I placed my hand softly on head and I ran my fingers through her hair, lately all she has been doing since she's been home is crying...as soon as she found out that Suga left and went on his private vacation she ran to her room and locked herself in there for days...me and Jimin spent hours trying to get her to come out of her room but she just....wouldn't, she didn't eat, she would wake up screaming for Suga to stop and me and Jimin would always run into the room to try and calm her down.
V has been no help at all...he's been ignoring her since she got back that's why it was strange for him to be in here crying over her and apologizing to her, watching her being so depressed and starving herself...its killing me...I know it has to be killing V to but why wont he show it?, I tense as Rachel begins moving and her face begins to form into an expression of pain....she's having another nightmare I quickly lay behind Rachel and wrap her in my arms and speak to her, " hey now shhhhh your alright you ok shhhhh I got you", she calmed a little but she seemed very uncomfortable so I stood up and picked Rachel up in my arms.
I watched as V's Jacket fell off her onto the window seat and I noticed that she still had on my Jersey and Sweat pants and I smiled at it and laid her in her bed and covered her up and I softly kissed her on the head, I walked back over to the window seat to grab V's Jacket and hang it up...he may have pissed me off for saying he loved Rachel and for kissing her on the lips...but its still his property, as I reached for the Jacket I noticed a picture on the pillow and I grabbed it and looked at it.
When I looked at the picture I couldn't help but smile....this was taken on Rachel's first summer here with us...we where all happy and still close then...Suga must have been taking his pills this summer because not once did he scream at Rachel, he didn't accuse her of cheating on him, he never even abused Rachel...if anything he couldn't keep his hands off of her, every night I would have to wear ear plugs because they where constantly having sex, I just wish it could go back to that...when we where all close and happy...is this where you been at for three whole months Suga?.
I sigh as I grab V's Jacket and walk back over to Rachel's bed and I place V's Jacket on her arms and the picture on the pillow beside her and I kiss her on the head, Sleep tight beautiful....ill be here when you wake up, I grab an extra blanket and walk over to the window seat and I take off my timberlands and I lay down in the window seat and cover up and I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.
It was around 12:00 midnight I got up...normally Rachel is screaming and having a nightmare by now?....I hope she's ok?....ill go check on her, I climb out of my bed and put on my slippers, I walk to my door and open it and look out in the hall...silence?...that's strange normally Jungkook is playing his video games right about now?....maybe he's just as exhausted as I am....none of us have been getting much sleep since Rachel found out Suga was gone....she would always wake up screaming for Suga to stop hitting her.
I walked to Rachel's door and I knocked on it, " Rachel are you Ok?", I waited for a response but I didn't get one so I knocked again, " Rachel?", I opened her door quietly and walked in and looked at her bed and I smiled when I saw her sleeping....finally she's getting the sleep she needs I walked over to her and tucked her in and I saw the picture by her head and I smiled...I gently kissed her head and started to leave when I saw another body on the window seat and I did a double take to make sure I wasn't seeing things.
I walked over to the window seat to see who it was and when I pulled the blanket down some I saw Jungkook sleeping and I shook my head, " so that's why I didn't hear your video games...because your in here watching over her"....I smiled as I heard a soft knock on the door and looked over at the door and saw Jin Hyung standing in the door way and he talked lowly, " oh Jimin I didn't realize you where already in here checking up on her", I let out a little laugh," yea...sorry if I woke you hyung", Jin shook his head no, " oh no Jimin you didn't wake me up I didn't hear Rachel waking up screaming like I normally do so I wanted to check on her...is she ok?".
I smiled, " yea she's ok Jin she's finally sleeping peacefully for once", Jin smiled, " good she needs to sleep....she hasn't been able to since Suga left", I knew why and I looked at her beautiful face as the moon shined on it making her beauty stand out even more, " its because she's scared Jin, she doesn't know what to expect when he comes back?.....she doesn't know if he's gonna abuse her more.....or break her heart....she doesn't even know if he's coming back at all?...it's all out of fear...Suga has her living in fear".
I felt one tear fall down my face as I explained how my beautiful butterfly is living in fear...I hear Jin lightly clear his throat so he doesn't wake Rachel up, " well I'm going to go check Jungkook now and make sure he's ok because I don't hear him playing his game and that's very unusual for him....you should try and sleep Jimin.....being sleep deprived is not healthy you know", I lightly chuckled, " Jungkook is ok to Jin he's in Rachel's window seat sleeping", Jin looked back in, " Pardon?", I laughed, " he's over there sleeping", I point at Rachel's window seat and Jin looks over at it and See's Jungkook sleeping.
" oh that he is....good he needs sleep to...well then since their alright I'm gonna go back to sleep....you should to Jimin", I smiled, " Yes hyung", I heard him let out a little laugh and walk back to his room and I heard his door shut and I sat down gently on Rachel's side of the bed and softly moved her hair out of her face and put it behind her ear, " sleep well my beautiful butterfly....I love you", I kiss her on her head one last time and I gently stand up and leave her room as I shut the door lightly and I return back to my room.
I was sitting in the seat when I heard the slight Bing of the intercom, " FLIGHT 214 HEADING FOR SEOUL,SOUTH KOREA IS NOW BOARDING PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO YOUR FLIGHT AND ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT", the intercom shut off and I grabbed my bag and headed towards the flight gate.
END OF CHAPTER TWELEVE
TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER THIRTEEN