Eliza
In the weeks that pass after Leon's death, things are excruciatingly difficult for me. For the first two weeks, I barely move out of the bed in the carrier house. The pillows still smell like him and the memories of us waking up in bed, naked and together, are still fresh in my mind.
The next two weeks are just as difficult, if not more, but I manage to find the strength within me to go to work and move all my belongings out of the house James and I had been sharing and find my own apartment. The first few days, Tenille stayed at my new apartment with me just to make sure I was okay. It was nice to have her stay with me, but the funny thing about life is that even if you don't want it to continue, it moves on; the sun sets and rises, people get up and go to work. Things move on.
And, you also begin to heal.
It's subtle at first – very subtle, but just like any other situation, the small things begin to add up. I grieved over Leon's death for weeks upon weeks, spending my evenings crying and wishing I could have done something to prevent the outcome. My days in bed while I, longed for him to walk through the door and collapse onto the bed beside me and tell me about his day. I missed his kisses, his laugh, his extraordinary eyes, his beautiful smile. I missed his cocky attitude and genuine heart. I missed how capable of he was of showing me how much he loved and appreciated me.
I still do.
But now that two months have passed and the funeral has been held and Leon's ashes are safely back in Newfoundland with his dad, the pain is no longer at the forefront of my mind. I've accepted what's happened. It was hard to do, but I managed to achieve it by thinking of it as him having passed to a better existence. He's far away from all the pain and suffering of this world, spending quality time with his mom and occasionally checking in on me. I know he would want me to accept reality and move on. Never forget him, but move on. In the end, all Leon ever cared about was my happiness. And if I hang onto him, he can't be at rest. What's happened, happened and I can't change it.
Although I've accepted what's happened, that doesn't mean I don't think about our memories. I do. A lot, really, but with a different context. And, rather than them making me cry, they make me smile again. His life ended too soon, but at least we got to spend as much time together as we did. At least I got to have someone as genuine and sweet and handsome and remarkable as Leon in my life. It was a blessing to know him, to have the chance to fall in love with him. To find us again.
I still have a long way to go. I don't think the pain of losing him will ever fully fade away, but I have to keep fighting. I have to do it for Leon.
It's what he would want me to do and I owe him that much. In all the years we spent together, he was there for me. He was someone I could always count on. I wish I could have thanked him for everything, but part of me thinks he already knew how much I appreciated him, loved him. I hope so, anyway. I hope he saw it in my eyes that night we made love. I hope he heard it in my laugh. Felt it in my touch.
I miss him desperately.
A tear slips down my cheek as I step into the bedroom of the carrier house. It's been weeks since I was here last and nothing has changed. The bedsheets are still a mess, Leon's suitcase is still here, and the window is open, allowing a cool October breeze to caress the room.
It's bittersweet to be in here. This room holds some beautiful, cherished memories between Leon and I. But I promised Tenille I would eventually move Leon's belongings. I also think I've given myself enough time. I'm definitely not over him – it still hurts like hell to know that he's gone – but I'm now strong enough to do this.
A cardboard box in hand, I walk over to the bed and set it down atop the messy sheets. Just being here, surrounded by some of his belongings has already started to allow the familiar numbness to seep into my blood. The familiar sadness and longing to encompass my heart. It's so potent, so demanding, that I have to push it away and replace it with something else.
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath.
All the memories I have with Leon are the only things I can hold onto to prevent myself from slipping. I can't focus on the fact that I lost him. I have to be thankful for what we had, even if it was minimal. I have to be thankful that I got to speak to him one last time before he died. Not a lot of people get to do that as a result of accidents.
Metaphorically, I roll up my sleeves and get to work. Nathan, Leon's dad, told me to keep anything important and to donate the rest because it's something Leon would have done. So that's what I'm doing. I begin to fill the box with his clothing and other items that can be reused. I keep things such as his wallet, the t-shirt he let me wear when I was sopping wet, a necklace that used to be his mom's, et cetera.
Saying the whole process is easy would be a lie. Each time I pick something up, I want to keep it, grip it tightly and hold it close. But I fight that urge, just like my therapist told me to do, and set the item in the box.
I'm about halfway through the suitcase when there's a timid knock on the bedroom door.
I turn around, smiling when I see Tenille standing in the doorway.
"Hey," I say, setting down the pair of jeans I had been planning on folding up. "It's good to see you, Ten."
She smiles. "Mom said you stopped by. Figured I'd come say hello." She walks over and pulls me into a tight hug. "I haven't seen you since the funeral."
I hug my best friend back. "I've been trying to sort some things out. Get better. You know?"
Pulling away, Tenille nods.
"Have you talked to Kit lately?" I ask, changing the subject. Ever since the night of the accident, Kit and Tenille have been close. Closer than usual. I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up dating.
A light blush spreads across her cheeks. "Yes," she replies, clearing her throat. "He's actually going to be coming to Whistler next week. He's taken up golf again and he wants to open a fundraiser in Leon's name to raise money for kids that can't afford to play."
My smile broadens and I squeeze her hand. "I'm so happy for you, Ten. And that is an amazing idea. Kit has my full support."
She smiles back at me. "Thanks, Eliza."
I try to keep my smile on my face, but it's no use. I really am happy for Tenille and Kit, but I have to admit, I am a little jealous of their romance.
"How're you holding up?" Tenille asks. "And be honest with me, Eliza."
I glance at her, feeling a familiar burn in my nose.
"It's still hard," I reply, my voice cracking, "but every day I get a little stronger. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's tempting to follow, but I know that's not what Leon would want. He would want me to live, to breathe, to embrace life."
She shoots me a concerned glance. "Do you want me to stay with you again?"
I shake my head, taking her hand. "You've got your own life, Tenille. Don't let me drag you down. I need to figure some things out. I promise I'll be okay. I have a long way to go still, but I can do it. I have to, for Leon."
Tenille hugs me again, and when that's over, we both sit on the bed, succumbing to the silence. As we sit in the heavy silence and chilly October breeze, I try to think about the future, about what I'm going to do when this day is over. I still have my job. I have a place to live. My parents have cooled their drama – for now – and been supporting me fairly well. Slowly, things are starting to fall back into place.
"Where do we go from here?" Tenille asks, staring at the donation box that is halfway filled with Leon's belongings, save for the few items I've set aside.
I sit next to her, both of us leaning against each other for support. I honestly don't know where either of us are supposed to go from here. Our lives have been turned upside down in ways that can never be undone. Tenille and Leon were close, not as close as Leon and I were, but that doesn't take away from the fact that she's lost one of her best friends.
But what I do know is that we can either let this destroy us or take small steps and try to find an equilibrium again. Now's the time where we need to find ourselves again, mould a new life that we want to live. Heal. Make peace.
"I think..." I say, running a hand through my hair. "I think I'm going to go to Colombia."
"What? Eliza..." Tenille says.
"No," I reply, holding my hand up. "Hear me out. Maybe I need to get out of here and find myself again. I never got the chance to do that, Ten. Don't get me wrong – I'm happy with everything that's happened in the past seven years. Well...not everything. There's a lot I wish I could change. But I need a breath of fresh air so I can clear my head, reduce my stress, and expand my mind. Staying here...I don't think it's good for me."
Tenille stares at me for a moment before sighing. "Nothing could have possibly made more sense than that. Go to Colombia, Eliza. Do whatever you need to do. I support you."
"Thanks," I reply, flashing her a weak smile.
"Well," Tenille says, getting to her feet. As she does, I notice that she wipes a tear from her face.
I follow her. "Tenille..."
She turns on me, tears running down her face. "I miss him, Eliza. I miss his cocky-ass personality and his spontaneous ideas. I miss seeing how happy you two make each other. You and Leon were supposed to get married and have kids and I was supposed to be the aunt your kids loved more than their own parents. The fun aunt. And, when I got married and had kids, they were all supposed to interact like cousins. I –" Tenille's own sob cuts her off and she presses a hand to her mouth.
Tears slip down my cheeks as I pull my best friend into a hug. "I miss him, too," I choke. "I keep wishing I would have forced him to drive home with me and not ride his bike."
"If you had," Tenille chokes. "You both would have been involved in that accident. And we might have lost both of you."
I blink, staring at her. I never thought about it that way. I mean, Tenille doesn't know it for sure, but she makes a valid point. It would have taken Leon and I about ten minutes to get back to the truck, load his bike up, and all that, and then five minutes, give or take, to make it to that corner. We could have possibly arrived around the time the drunk driver had come around the corner and struck Leon. Who knows what the outcome of that would have been?
"Wow...Tenille..." I stutter. "I never thought about it that way."
She hugs me tighter. "This situation sucks, but I'm glad the driver got what he deserved. He won't be a danger to other drivers anymore."
Though it seems slightly self-centred, I have to agree with her. This wasn't the first time the driver, a twenty-seven-year-old man, had been involved in an incident involving driving under the influence. And with Leon not making it, and the passenger, who was the girlfriend of the driver at the time, not making it, he will never be able to drive again. Suffice to say, he will be spending the rest of his life in prison. Behind bars, where he is incapable of putting the lives of others at risk.
I also feel terrible for the driver. I can't imagine what it's like to live with the guilt of what you caused. Sometimes, I wonder if he questions just how many people's lives he altered by drinking and driving. I wonder if he can sleep at night. And, despite the fact that I desperately wish Leon were here, I feel terrible for the driver. I hope that one day, he can forgive himself for what he's done.
That said, I also hope I can forgive him myself. I do feel sorry, but I don't necessarily forgive him. I need more time. And so does Tenille.
"Anyway," Tenille says, wiping her nose and stepping back. "I need to get to work. I don't want to go, but life moves on whether you want it to or not."
"You've got that right," I mutter.
Tenille smiles weakly at me. "Whatever you choose to do, Eliza. If you decide to go to Colombia to find yourself, to heal. If you move to Vancouver or Toronto. If you decide you want to leave and never come back, I support you. Do what's right for yourself."
"You, too, Ten," I smile, glancing down at my hands. I'm startled when I realize I'm still holding the necklace that used to be Crystal's. Suddenly, an idea pops into my head. "Hey, Tenille."
"Yeah?" she asks.
I hold up the necklace. It sparkles in the rich autumn light. "I think Leon would want you to have this. Something to remember him by."
"Eliza..."
"Seriously," I say, cutting her off. I hold the necklace out. "I have my bracelets. You need something to remember him by and you know what I'm like with necklaces. He would want you to have it."
Hesitantly, Tenille takes the necklace from me. Tears fill her eyes as she stares at the diamond pendant that's attached to a silver chain. Clutching it delicately, she presses it to her heart. "I'll take good care of it, Eliza."
"I know you will," I smile. "Now go to work. If anything, we owe it to Leon to keep living."
She nods in agreement and then exits the room, sniffling and wiping away more tears.
When I'm alone in the room, I glance around one more time.
Leon's death is an incalculable lasting blow because I know no one is ever going to love me as he did ever again, but I have to keep moving. I can't let this tragedy stop me from living my life. A devastating loss is a weird thing because while everything feels as though it's been frozen and saturated with pain and grief, life continues to go on. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to face a tragedy, a loss so huge that I don't know how to live through it, but it did. And I can't change anything. I have to accept what I didn't want to happen. I have to learn what I didn't want to know. I have to live without Leon even though it's hard as hell.
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, picturing that night by the creek.
A tear slips down my cheek a small smile spreads across my lips.
That was an infinite moment of happiness – one I will never forget.
I'm always going to remember Leon; in the morning, in the night, when I look at the stars, a song, a place, a smell. He's always going to be with me.
Which is why I'm going to make him proud. Be it going to Colombia or moving away from Whistler. Be it something as simple as getting up and brushing my teeth.
Anything I do in this world; I have to do for Leon Saint-Laurent.