Eliza
I tell James and the rest of the gang to head down to the restaurant without me. He doesn't seem pleased with my decision, but when I elaborate and tell him I need time to make myself look presentable, he doesn't argue. He kisses my forehead before he leaves, commenting on how this is one of the biggest days of our lives. He tells me he's looking forward to seeing me in my dress for the rehearsal dinner. That he can't wait until this wedding is over and we're off on our honeymoon, planning our future together.
When the vehicles have disappeared down the driveway, I don't style my hair or do my makeup. I don't paint my toenails or change out of my jeans and sweatshirt. Instead, I sit out on the tire swing and try to make sense of Leon's words. If he had stuck around and given me a chance to speak, I would have argued and said my big heart carries more pros than cons. In a sense, it does—I'm empathetic, charitable, and have a good heart. But I can now see what he meant. I can see why my big heart is detrimental while also being beneficial. A paradox. I feel too much for others when I should be focused on my happiness and mental health.
Leon being right angers me, but it also puts me at peace. At least I've accepted the problem. At least I'm trying to find a way to fix said problem. Throughout the duration of my life, I've lived to please people, including my parents. The way they neglected me while I was growing up plays a big part in that. During my childhood, it seemed as though I could never do anything good enough for them. Nor could I make the right decision when it came to one of them trying to pitch me against the other. And they never failed to point out my mistakes. They never failed to manipulate me.
I think that's why I didn't protest when James said we're moving to Winnipeg after our honeymoon. And I think that's why Tenille has provided more input on my wedding than I have. I was terrified my decisions wouldn't be good enough for the people surrounding me. Rather than making myself happy, I've been making sure others are happy. I've disregarded myself, my wants and needs. As I nitpick my way through the course of my life, more examples appear. Aside from Leon, Tenille, and a handful of others, I've surrounded myself with people who don't care about my happiness and well-being. They only want to see the airbrushed version of me, and not the unbalanced, imperfect woman I love.
I think back to all the memories I share with Leon. Even now, after experiencing heart break and loss, he's had my back. He's always been beside me, giving me that extra push when I need it or comforting me when the storm is too much.
Speaking of Leon.... He left on his mountain bike three hours ago. He wanted to go on one more ride before he gathers his bags and heads for the airport. A strike of pain runs through my heart. He's leaving Whistler behind. He's leaving me. And I can't allow that to happen. Life has given us a second chance, and I'd be stupid to not take it.
I'm suspecting he went down to Saint-Sangster rock. I plan to go there after my first assignment has been completed. It's something I should have made clearer to James. And while I'm not happy I'll have an audience when I tell him, it's something that needs to be done before the day ends.
After years of making other people happy, of disregarding myself, I'm done.
After all this time, Leon is still the man I want. He's weathered the chaos in my life and loves me like no one else. I would be an idiot to let someone like Leon go. He's everything I'll ever need.
Dressed in my jeans and dark purple sweater, I slide off of the tire swing and revel in the grassy surface beneath my bare feet. As I stare off into the misty mountains, I thumb the ring in my pocket and focus on the jangle of bracelets on my wrist. It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
It's time to talk to James.
* * *
Tenille has rented out an Italian restaurant for us this evening. It's one of the only ones in Whistler, and it has the best penne alfredo. And focaccia bread. My diet would consist of their pasta and focaccia bread if the carbs didn't go straight to my ass.
I'm shaking as I jog through the parking lot. Not because it's pouring rain and I'm cold, but because I'm dreading this looming moment. I'm not ready to break James's heart, but I can't deny myself happiness, either. I want to be happy and independent while loving Leon. Being some background girl that plays along with what everyone else wants isn't who I am. I want to be the little girl I once was, with a fiery heart and personality. This is my life and I have every right to control it. Every single day, I want to be the person I am when I'm with Leon.
When I enter the building, the hostess guides me to our reserved table. The excited chatter between family and friends dies off as each person slowly realizes the bride-to-be has arrived. I stare each of them down. They must be shocked I'm not wearing a dress and that my makeup is only mediocre. My Nike sandals instead of glittery heels must really throw a wrench in their moods.
"Eliza, honey," Mom asks. "Where's your dress? Did you forget what day it was?" Her frown deepens. "Perhaps you're not feeling well?"
"I feel fine, Mom," I reply, pulling the ring from my pocket. "Better than I have in years, actually."
Her frown intensifies. When I look around the room, I see that everyone else is frowning, too. Except Tenille. On her face, there's a small smile. It's almost as if she knew this was coming. Leon must have talked to her. But that's a topic we can discuss another time.
Taking a deep breath, I walk over to James. There's a prominent look of hurt in his eye, as well as a tinge of resignation, but no surprise. Huh. Maybe he accepted the truth that night but refused to admit it.
"James," I say, biting the inside of my cheek. I don't want to hurt him, but I need to do what's right for me. I need to live the life I want even if it means hurting someone I love. "I can't accept your ring. I'm sorry, but I can't. You deserve someone who loves you to their fullest potential and can make you happy. I'm not that person anymore. I... I never expected this to happen, and a part of me still does love you, but I can't wed someone else when my heart belongs to Leon."
A gasp goes through the crowd.
I set the ring down on the table, next to his glass of red wine.
"After several years of missing out on time with Leon," I continue, "I can't bear to stay away from him any longer. James, I'm sorry. Please understand I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. You're a good man. One that women like me dream of marrying, but I'm not your girl. I tried to tell you the night before last, but you wouldn't listen to me. I hate that I have to do this in front of everyone. It was never meant to embarrass you or intensify the pain. But you gave me no choice. I'm so, so sorry." I turn to Tenille. "I apologize to you, too, Ten. You put so much effort into this wedding. Just know that it would have been perfect." I then address the rest of the crowd. "I'm sorry to all of you who came to Whistler to celebrate."
By the end of my speech, my hands are shaking. I can't believe I did it without Leon here to back me up. I've never been able to vocalize my voice without his presence. Yet, here I am.
Mom begins to protest. "You... You can't b-be serious, Eliza!" she sputters. "You're going to throw your life away f-for him? I forbid this! After all the money that's been spent and the hard work that's been done? I forbid it!"
Tenille rolls her eyes. She's disgusted. "Shut the hell up, Meghan. No one gives a flying fuck about your opinion. This is Eliza's life—something you lost the right to know about after you and Thomas neglected her as a kid."
Another gasp of shock goes through the crowd. I don't think anyone, aside from Leon and myself, has dared to tell Meghan Caldwell to shut up.
"But," Mom pleads.
"Shut up," Tenille repeats. Her voice is definitive, silencing the surrounding crowd and handing the spotlight back to me.
I glance around the crowd. Most of them are surprised and disappointed, but some look angry. It doesn't bother me as much as it would've. When I connect my gaze with James's, I see nothing but hurt in his eyes. It pains me to see he's gone through so much trouble for me, only to have the entire world flipped on him.
"I'm sorry," I repeat, taking a step back. I brush a strand of damp hair from my forehead. "I'm so sorry, James."
Though I feel like I should justify my change of heart in a more sophisticated manner, I turn on my heel and jog for the exit. People call out my name. I hear them mutter about me having cold feet. Some say I must be mentally ill to give up on James.
But I don't care what they think. This is my life and from now on, I make the decisions. I make myself happy.
And the first decision I've made is I'm going to Saint-Sangster rock to prevent Leon from leaving.
As I step out into the rain, I stop and tilt my face to the sky. I take several deep breaths. I haven't felt this free for years. Ever since my parents divorced, life has been out of control and relentless. It's overwhelming to realize I've been too scared to fight, to break the cycle, when it was in me all along. But I'm glad I've realized it now.
I'm ready to take control again.