She would be in school right now. It's 9:00 on Monday morning, so her friends are all in their first class together laughing and talking. And forgetting that Alexandria ever existed. At least that's what Alexandria thinks. She loves them anyway. But from everything she's told me- which is not a lot- she is way more appreciated and loved than she thinks. Especially by her friends, but by us too.
I woke up around 1 am last night a felt the need to check on her, so I did, and she was having a nightmare and was saying things like that. She was whispering about how she loves them and how she's sorry she was a certain way. She was begging them to love her again. She was saying her friends' names too. Asking Brooklyn not to judge her, Alexandra to love her, Jillian not to leave, and telling Eli how sorry she was for something I couldn't quite hear. You see, there is really no difference between us and her friends- other than the fact that there are 3 more of us. No difference, except for one thing. We're here and they're not.
I'm the one who is sitting in the living room of the house Alexandria is in while she sleeps, not them. And I gotta say, I get this feeling of... satisfaction, I guess, that I'm here for her and they aren't. It almost makes me... happy. I know it's selfish, but sometimes I just want a person all to myself. That's why I'm looking forward to today so much, because I get her today. Me and only me. That is if she wakes up before 4 o'clock.
I woke up at 8 and came downstairs to see Christina- no surprise- and Dani- big surprise-, eating breakfast and talking. When I walked into the kitchen they both went dead silent and stared at me, then Christina jumped up and handed me a plate with avocado toast, scrambled eggs, and some strawberries. I sat down and we all talked while I ate and they finished up. What about? Not important. Just things like boys and clothes and what I'm gonna do today and stuff.
At about 8:30, Christina and Dani told me that they were gonna go run some errands and would be gone most of the day. Dani walked out to the car, but Christina stayed behind.
"I made Alexandria a small plate, so make sure you give her the one with less food on it. If she doesn't eat it, just put it in the fridge. Then call or text me and tell me whether she ate or not." I just nodded and she walked out. I put Alexandria's plate in the oven so nobody would take it, then went into the living room. In the 30 minutes from 8:30 to 9:00, most everyone else came down. First Kathrine, then Lisa, and Amy's walking down right now actually.
"There should be one more plate of breakfast on the table. Don't take the one in the stove. Chris and Dani are out doing errands," I tell her. It's the same thing I told the other two. Amy just nods and walks into the kitchen. I wait another hour before I decide to go check on/wake up Alexandria, but I get stopped by Kathrine and Amy.
"I'm taking Amy to the park to meet up with some friends and I'm gonna go with my friends to a movie then go shop and stuff. I should be home no later than ten-ish, but probably earlier knowing me," Kath tells me. I just shrug. I don't know why they're telling me this, but okay.
"And Brooke is dropping me off later tonight! Like around eight or nine," Amy breaks in. I shrug again. Still don't really care, still not sure why they think I do. Amy walks out with Kathrine following.
"Tell Chris where we are when she gets back!" Kathrine yells through the door then shuts it. So that's why they told me. On my way to Alexandria's room, I pass Lisa. I smile at her, but she realizes where I'm going and grabs my arm.
"Be gentle with her, she's not in a good place right now. She should be okay today, but I'm sure her knee hurts some. Also, make sure she eats at least some at each meal. I'll be back by dinner I'm just going to the mall then to a movie. I'm meeting Kath."
"Okay, see you later," I say, wanting to hurry her up so I could see Alexandria. She laughs and walks down the stairs.
"Don't forget what I said!" She yells up at me. I hear the door shut a second later so I know she's gone.
I run to Alexandria's room and gently open the door to see Alexandria curled into a little ball with some slow music playing in the background. I realize after a second that it's Love Song (Over Me) off of our album alive. I smile then go and sit on the edge of her bed, which isn't that hard cause she's all the way to one side. I stare at her for who knows how long, but the songs had changed, like, twice since I sat down. I then see that it's almost 10:00, I shake her shoulder. She groans and rolls over, annoyed.
"What?" I guess she thought I was someone else because when she sees me she sits up suddenly and grabs her glasses to put them on. "I am so sorry, I forgot I wasn't at home and you weren't my mom waking me up for school."
"It's okay! Ready for today?" I ask. She gets out of bed and nods, then goes into her closet and changes into a pair of light blue mom jeans and a giant, orange men's polo that was cut into a crop top with a black tank top under it. She walks out and goes into the bathroom and comes out with brushed hair, no glasses and... brown eyes?
"Colored contacts."
"Ohh." She nods at my response and we go down to the kitchen. I hand her plate to her and she actually does eat a little, but not enough to count.
"So what are we doing today?" She asks.
"I actually don't know, what do you wanna do?" She shrugs and takes a tiny bite of egg then pushes her barely touched plate away. I put it in the fridge as we think. Suddenly, a thought hits me.
"I've got an idea!"
"Well, what is it?" She asks.
"Hold on. Go ahead and go out to the car and I'll be out there in just a second." She nods and walks out. I quickly find Christina's contact and call her.
"So...?" Christina answers the phone.
"Eh."
"Did she at least eat some?" She asks hopefully.
"Some might be a bit of a stretch, but yeah, I guess. I mean, you know what you fixed her, you'll see when you get home." She sighs in a mixture of sadness and relief.
"Okay, well at least make sure she eats lunch. Even if it's just half a salad. Okay?"
"Okay. I gotta go, Alexandria's waiting."
"Alright. Please don't burn our house down. Or anyone else's."
"Shut up you rat," I laugh, "Goodbye"
"Bye loser." I just laugh and hang up, then go out and get in the driver's seat of the car.
"So..." Alexandria questions.
"What?"
"Where are we going?" I laugh at her adorable, childlike eagerness and start the car.
"You'll see," I tell her.
"But I wanna know now!" I laugh again.
"Alright, Dani, calm down. You'll know soon enough."
"Fine," She agrees, dragging out the "i" sound. For about 30 or 35 minutes we just listen and sing along to One Direction, Big Time Rush, and- of course- Cimorelli. When we are about 5 minutes away, I stop in an Ikea parking lot.
"Ikea...?"
"No stupid. I'm just giving this to you." I hand her a blindfold. She grabs it and looks at me, then it, then me again.
"Do I-"
"Put it on so we can get where we are going!"
"Okay, okay!" She laughs and puts it on. I finally finish the last 5 minutes of the drive with her trying to guess where we are going.
When we get there, I help her out of the car and into the building. When we are going up the stairs, I make sure she doesn't trip. I lead her to the middle, and yell, "Three! Two! One!" Which is a cue for her to take off the blindfold, and for the hidden sound guys to play the backing track for "Wings."
She rips off the blindfold and takes in the scene. I brought her to the stage that our first show will be on. It's a fairly big stage with hundreds of seats in the audience. I shove a mic into her hand and she looks at me like I'm crazy. I laugh at her face and grab my own mic and sing the beginning. She joins on the chorus. After a minute, both of us are doing this like it's a real concert. While we harmonize on the last series of "together's," we put our arms around each other. Both of us are crying by the time the song ends. After a minute she wipes her eyes and walks to the edge of the stage, gazing out over the audience. I go grab one earpiece and put in on myself, then grab another for her. When I hold it out to her, she looks at me weird.
"It's an earpiece, so we can do this for real," I explain.
"Well, I know that, but how do I put it on?" She responds. I laugh and grab it back.
"Here, I'll do it." She laughs and moves her hair. I gently put the ear part around and in her ear, then just put the plastic pack thingy in her back pocket. "There, all done!"
"Thank you!" She squeals.
"Ready for a mini mic check?" I ask. She nods so I sing a bit then yell to the sound guy.
"Can you turn the music up some and my voice down?"
"And please turn her voice down in mine, I swear to God I'm deaf now." Alexandria cuts in. I laugh and sing one more thing. Perfect.
"Alright, your turn," I tell Alexandria. She takes a deep breath and sings the chorus of "Someone Like You" by Adele.
"Can you turn my voice up some? the music is good." She yells to the sound guy. She sings the beginning one more time then nods. "That's good! Thank you!"
"Mine is good for her too!" I yell, then turn to her. "Ready?"
"For...?"
"I'm gonna teach you all the choreography to the couple of older songs that we're gonna sing! You're about to basically learn the entire show. Other than your song of course. We still need to write that and get the music and recording done. Unless you don't want our help writing it?"
"Oh heck yeah I do! I can not write songs!" I laugh then nod.
"Okay, we'll get on that Thursday or Friday. We're also all gonna get together and teach you your part for every song we've pretty much ever done. Like, original song. We're just gonna teach you what your harmony is and you'll get better at picking it out as we go. Good?"
"Amazing!" She says, bouncing up and down on her toes in excitement.
"Alright, let's teach you how to be a Cimorelli!" I squeal and grab her arm, pulling her to the middle fo the stage.
"Okay, so we are gonna do full dress rehearsals as we get closer to the shows and have an actual set list, but Christina already talked me through what you are gonna do. Heck, she had it all planned out weeks before you even arrived," I say, then walk around pointing to different spots. "Kathrine is over there, Christina here, me and you and Dani here, Amy here, and Lisa right there." She nods so I jump into teaching her the choreography. We have so much fun up onstage just joking around and dancing. We were there for hours. We got there at about 11 am and now it's 4 pm! I gasp, realizing something, and because my mic was on, it echos throughout the stadium thing. Alexandria stops practicing and turns to me.
"What is it? What happened?"
"I just realized that we forgot to get lunch..." I say. Her shoulders visibly relax, and she almost looks happy. And unhealthy. She is pale and strangely dry considering all the activity we just got. She also seems very uneasy on her feet, like she could fall any second. She starts walking over to where I'm about to sit on the edge of the stage. I want to go support her, but I don't want to offend her so I just stay here at the ready in case she does fall.
"Well, I'm sure we-" She trips over something and falls to her hands and knees. Her arms give out and she just lays there in a heap on the ground, catching her breath. I run over and kneel next to her, putting my hand on her shoulder. After a few minutes, she slowly sits up. I put my hand in the middle of her shoulder blades to help her sit up, then sit next to her and slide my hand to a resting position on her lower back, just in case.
We sit there for a few moments, and she just breathes. After about 5 minutes, she attempts to stand, acting peppy and happy, but underneath all that I can see... maybe not pain, but unsteadiness. I stand up wither her, still trying to support her, but she moves out of my reach once we're standing. I start taking my earpiece off when she stops me.
"Why are you taking that off? I wanna keep practicing. C'mon, I'm fine, it's all good!" I look at her and raise an eyebrow. Her smile fades a bit, but she is determined, I'll give her that. "Lauren, come on! I told you I'm fine!"
"No, you're not. Besides, it's kinda late, we should head back. We can just stop somewhere on the way home." I see a flash of something in her eyes, but the rest of her face stays the same.
"Stop for what?" She asks, acting innocent and confused. I take the pack out of my pocket and hand it to Andy, the sound guy.
"Food. We forgot about lunch," I say, walking over to her. I see the flash again and realize what it is. Panic. But she just nods and forces a smile.
"Oh... okay!" She says with fake enthusiasm. I reach over to her face and she jerks away.
"Relax," I laugh, "I'm just taking off your earpiece." She breathes out and laughs with me.
"Sorry! It's a reflex!" She giggles.
"Okay, this is gonna hurt. I don't know why we put tape on, but we did, so I'm sorry."
"Just do it." I nod and rip the piece of tape off. She winces and rubs her cheek and I giggle a little. She takes the pack out of her pocket and hands it to me, and I hand it to Andy. We gather our stuff and walk to the doors. Right before we exit, I yell back into the auditorium.
"Thanks, Andy! I really appreciate you! See you in about a month and a half!"
"You're welcome! you know I always enjoy working with y'all. See you soon!" We hear from the stage. Once we're in the car, I start it but keep it in park and turn to her.
"So where do you wanna go get food. We won't get anything super heavy, though, because we're gonna have dinner in an hour or two." She shrugs.
"I don't know."
"What's a place you like?"
"Um, nowhere really. Eating out isn't my thing." She looks at me almost apologetically.
"Well... there's gotta be somewhere... Right?"
"It's fine, Lauren. I'm fine. You can get something if you want, but I'm really not hungry." She smiles at me and I lose it. I don't yell at her, but I'm mad. I harshly turn to the wheel and drive out of the parking lot. I can see tears well up in Alexandria's eyes, but I ignore her. That is until we get closer to home.
"We're going to Chick-Fil-A. I hope you like chicken." I tell her. My tone isn't icy, but it could be. It's just kind of harsh and disappointed. Alexandria doesn't say anything, just nods with her head down. She playing with her hands and her hair is covering her face. When I sneak a look at her while she's not looking, a tear rolls down my face. I discreetly wipe my eyes, but it hurts me to see her like that. I can tell she's crying. She's shaking, but trying hard to conceal it.
I turn into the parking lot and go through the drive-through. I just get her a four-piece chicken nugget and get myself the same but with fries. I get some extra chicken nuggets and fries for Chris and Lisa to share. I also get like 3 tenders for Dani. Amy and Kath don't care. We get the food and I keep it in the bag until we get home.
I walk into the house fast; with a purpose and almost run into Kathrine. She looks between Alexandria and I as I walk, then mouths to me that dinner will be ready in about 2 and a half hours. I nod and continue to my room, but slower now. I pass Dani and Amy in the living room and we look at each other and kinda half-smile, then they go back to their conversation. I'm walking to my room when Christina comes walking out of her room with Lisa behind her and literally knocks Alexandria backward and me into the wall. Luckily Lisa catches Alexandria so she doesn't hit the ground.
"I am so sorry! Are you guys okay?" I nod and look at Alexandria who smiles and nods. I smile at her too. I hope I didn't hurt her.
"It's actually perfect that you guys are here, cause I need you. Alexandria, take the food and go to my room, I'll be right behind you. I have to, um, aks Amy something." She nods and walks away. I wait for the door to close then start talking.
"She won't eat. I'm confronting her if she doesn't eat with all of us in there. Yes, I got you both food to share." I explain.
"She seemed upset, though. And you seemed mad and sorry at the same time. What happened?" Lisa asks. I explain to them what we did today then tell them about the collapsing and how I lost it in the car. Both of them are silent for a moment once I'm done.
"Well, we should probably go. She's waiting. Don't want her to eat all the food... Frick, sorry, that was really bad." Christina says, nervously laughing. Lisa rolls her eyes and smiles and I giggle, then we get serious again and walk into my room. When we enter, I see Alexandria on the edge of my bed on her phone, the food on the bedside table. She looks up when we enter and quickly stands up.
"No, sit down! We can all fit on my bed." I tell her, throwing a towel over my bed. "We're gonna have a little picnic on my bed."
"Weirdest picnic I've ever been to, but okay." Lisa shrugs and flops down on the bed right on top of Alexandria. Alexandria shoves her off and she falls in the floors. We all laugh and the tension mostly goes away. After that, we all get settled and pass out the food. Everyone starts eating except for Alexandria who doesn't even look at her food. We keep talking and laughing for about 5 minutes until I can't take it anymore.
"Why aren't you eating?" I ask her, trying to just seem normal and innocent.
"I'm not hungry," she says, shrugging. Okay, I'm done.
"Yes, you are. I know you are. I mean, I swear to God, Alexandria, I don't get it. Why? Why won't you eat? You literally collapsed on me today. Collapsed! You could barely sit up, much less stand! I hate that you're doing this to yourself! You are a beautiful, kind, funny, smart, amazing girl who doesn't deserve this, so please- just for me- eat something! I love you and I'm so scared for you! Please!" I wipe away the tears that are rolling down my face and see the others doing the same. Minus Alexandria. She is staring at her hands, stone-faced. Lisa tries to hold her wrist and rub circles, but Alexandria jerks away and suddenly jumps up.
"Well I'm sorry, but I just can't do it! Send me home, do whatever, just don't make me eat or go to therapy!' She tries to walk out the door, but she bursts into tears and falls to her knees. Christina quickly jumps up and goes over there, but Lisa stays over here and just rubs my back. I don't cry, however. I'm done with crying, it's time to make a change. Christina gets Alexandria over here and we all sit back down.
"I'm gonna ask you something, so please tell me the truth. how long has it been since you last ate a true meal with everything you need to live in it?" Christina asks her.
"I don't know." Her tone is dead. Like she's given up. But she can't give up, she needs to keep fighting. She will die if this keeps up.
"Like, for real? You don't know?" Lisa asks. Alexandria just nods and stands up, pushing Christina away. She stands there and Christina walks back over to the bed.
"I mean, I eat a little every now and then, but never a full meal. I can't handle it." Lisa just nods, but Christina keeps trying to get something out of her. She keeps trying to get her to open up.
"Well, what do you thi-" Lisa cuts her off.
"Christina, stop."
"But-"
"Stop." Christina sighs and gives up. After a moment of silence, I decide to say something. Yeah, maybe I'm younger and never had to help Lisa, but that doesn't mean I'm clueless.
"Can you at least eat one nugget?" She stays silent. "For me?" I ask hopefully. After a second she sighs and gives a small smile.
"Okay." She walks back over and sits down and we all start laughing and talking. I see Alexandria eat a piece of chicken, then another, then the other two. I want to hug her and cry and laugh and all of these other things, and based off of the looks they're giving each other, Lisa and Christina do too. But we don't. We just keep talking, seemingly ignoring the fact she ate. We know not to say anything. Alexandria, on the other hand, does not look happy. She looks like she's holding back tears, even though she's smiling and laughing with the rest of us. After a minute, she excuses herself to the bathroom and walks out. When once she's gone, Christina and Lisa give each other a look, then start whispering. I see Christina's eyes get red, and Lisa looks unhappy.
"Guys, what is it?" I ask. They ignore me.
"Come on, Christina, Lisa, what's going on?" Still nothing, but Lisa glances at me. I kind of lose it a bit.
"Please for the love of God tell me what's wrong!" I yell, jumping up. Christina and Lisa finally stop talking and look at each other, then me. After a moment, Christina finally speaks.
"We think that Alexandria may be purging whenever she eats. Or at least when she eats something unhealthy." Christina says slowly. Tears fill my eyes as what she said sinks in. I sit back down and stare at the ground sadly. That is until we hear the sound of Dani's footsteps coming toward the room. Along with the sound of her and Alexandria's voices. We quickly pick ourselves up, wipe our eyes, and smile.
"Okay, now laugh," Lisa instructs. We all laugh as they walk in the door. Alexandria sits down on the bed, but Dani stands there in shock.
"You got chicken? Without me!" Dani exclaims. We all laugh and I reach in the bag and grab her box and toss it to her.
"Yes! Thank you!" She runs out, then runs back in with chicken in her mouth. "I almost forgot to tell you, Kath says dinner in 10 minutes so you better get your butts washed and down here cause we're having mac-n-cheese." She walks back out and we resume our conversation while packing up and throwing things away. We all walk out and go to the kitchen and wash our hands and sit down at the table with Dani. We all just talk until Katherine and Amy walk in with food. We say a quick grace then all dig in. Alexandria gets only a little bit, then eats half of it, but food is food so I can't complain. She gets up to leave as most of us are finishing up. (*cough* Amy *cough*) Lisa, Chris, and I give each other looks, but she comes back fairly fast and with a notebook and pencil- which she didn't have before- so maybe that's just what she was doing. Maybe? I hope!
We finish up with dinner and Alexandria immediately gets up to go outside, so I decide to follow her. Just not right behind her. After about 5-ish minutes I go outside and see her on the swing bench in our little gazebo thing. It's got a light so she's got it on and she's writing something, sinking into the cushions. She doesn't notice me until I sit right next to her. She slams the notebook closed and looks up and me, embarrassed. I laugh a little and she laughs some too, chasing the tension away.
"What were you writing?" I ask her.
"Just my thoughts. I don't journal, but I like to write stuff down every now and then." I nod and we sit there in silence until the light automatically clicks off. I starts to stand up to turn it back on but she pulls me back down.
"Don't, it's nice." She says, then quickly releases my arm. "Unless you want the on cause if you do I don't care I mean it's nice without them but if you wanna-" I cut her off, laughing quietly.
"It's fine. I like it too." She nods and we go back to our comfortable silence. We sit there for a while, watching lights go off and on and off again and seeing the silhouettes of my sisters walking around then disappear into the dark. At some point, Alexandria puts her head on my shoulder and her legs up on the swing next to her. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her closer to me, and for once she doesn't freak out, she just curls up tighter. Maybe because she's cold because it is pretty cold. After about an hour or so, I look at my phone and realize how late it is and also realize that she fell asleep. I hate to wake her up but I have to, so I shake her awake and she slowly stands up. I follow her lead and grab her wrist, leading her to the house.
"You're gonna sleep with me tonight, okay?" I guess she's too tired to object as I pull her to mine and Dani's room because she just nods. But I do think I see a smile, although it's dark so I'm not sure. As we pass Lisa and Amy's room, I hear both of their voices plus Dani's voice so I guess I won't be in risk of waking Dani up when we walk in.
We reach my room and I go to change but realize that Alexandria has no clothes. I quickly grab a super big t-shirt and hand it to her.
"I don't have any pants, I've only got one pair of shorts. Do you want them?" I ask her. She shakes her head.
"You keep them, I'll be fine." I shrug and we turn our backs to each other and change. No, I didn't turn the light on. We both turn around after confirming that it's safe and I look at her as we walk over to the bed she looks so cute in my shirt, but not in a weird way. I let her go next to the wall then climb in. She immediately curls up next to me so I wrap my arm around her protectively. Both of her arms are between our bodies and she's curled up so small that her head is a tiny bit below my collarbone, just enough so I can breathe and keep my head normal. I rest my head on top of hers and after a minute I hear her breathing slow down and know that she's asleep. But I can't sleep. I lay awake listening to her breathing for a really long time. When Dani comes in, I close my eyes but hear her whisper "aww" then pretty soon after she goes to bed and is asleep within about 15 minutes.
I'm still awake. I lay there for hours just thinking. Mostly about Alexandria. I wonder what is she gonna be like on tour, can we get her to open up, is she gonna refuse to sing, are our fans gonna like her, etc. But I also think about my other sisters. I wonder how they are- or how they are gonna- take all this, how they feel about essentially having a seventh sister, and things like that. Finally, probably around 3 in the morning, my thoughts drift to Alexandria, but more like images and "videos" of her. Like whenever she smiles, or her laugh, or us dancing, or her singing. Just things like that. I finally fall asleep at around 3:30 to the memory of the night that we slept on the trampoline.
God, she's so amazing and beautiful. I just wish she could see that for herself...
A/n: Woah! 5113 words. That's a lot. Love y'all! -Amy <3