Attraction, at first, was mainly physical. In some way, we were visually, olfactorily, and auditorily stimulated by the person we found attractive. That was because all we had were the physical attributes to go off of. We loved the way people looked before we could ever manage to figure out of we were attracted to them emotionally as well. Our attraction to smells and tones of voices also determined whether we worked to get a person or not. Which was why I had to stimulate Ashton with the first three until I was able to start the process of the emotional attraction. It was so fucked up to dive deep in the realms of psychology to get the process moving faster, but I had to.
I put in more effort before class this morning. Of course, it was a football Friday, the very first of the year. I wore the black and burgundy cheer uniform and a gold bow in my hair and in an easy half up-do. I spritzed on a random perfume that Luke had given me, claiming it was from Paris and nothing could leave a man in awe like it. Instead of letting my lashes droop for the day I applied mascara. I looked decent, but I didn't feel like myself. I was the face of fraud and only I knew that. I couldn't even bring myself to spread school spirit, instead I glared at Elizabeth and Veronica who were giving out pom poms and buttons to any student that looked like they were having a bad day, while also encouraging them to go out to the football game tonight because their lives would magically become better if they did. The correlation between football and happiness...didn't even exist. The idea of it was just as fraudulent as me.
I held a stack of Lakewood Prep stickers, passing them out with half a smile and little enthusiasm because the stickers would be scattered throughout the hallways by the end of the school day anyway.
It was rare for me to ever be approached by anyone. I wasn't friendly-looking enough to have my peers constantly come up to me. No, they'd rather laugh at me behind my back in response to whatever Calum was saying about me, so to have Ashton resting his weight on his hand against the wall on my left surprised me. His smile was welcoming, almost ecstatic to have finally found me. Maybe I was happy too because he was making this job easy for me today. Check.
"Wanna do dinner tonight?" I shoved the stickers in my backpack. I leaned my back against the wall, clutching my books for dear life. I was so worried about this not working out for me - for us, Michael, Luke, and I. But who could go wrong with dinner? Quick, simple, and guys loved to eat.
"Like after the game?" He scratched the side of his head, a little confused.
Ugh, I kept forgetting about the game. So I nodded to keep my cool. "Right. Yes, after the game."
"What are you in the mood for?" His smile widened almost causing my eyes to widen and my heart to race. He was actually quite stunning in the perfect lighting, or any lighting for that matter. He combed his hair through his fingers, brushing it out of his face. I loved that.
Stay on task, Sage. Dammit. I was here to get information out of Ashton, not fall in love with him because his hazel eyes peered so deep into my soul. It was hard to keep myself on track. I was distracted by how good he looked in his school uniform, topped with his Letterman jacket. I'd never been into the football player type, but Ashton was surely going to be my exception. He made Calum look like a potato.
"Burgers."
"A girl that knows what she wants," He titled his head, allowing his eyes to scan my body up and down. Ew. Why was I becoming self-conscious? "I love it."
I gagged. Literally. "That's weird."
"Huh?"
I peeled my back from the wall, starting my journey to my next class. I knew I had Ashton whipped when he followed me like a lost dog. "Don't say shit like that."
That was totally out of line for him to say. If I was going to put up with him for X number of months, then I needed to correct him on the things he said, so he would be at least a little tolerable. I mean, if he was already following me around school whenever I moved an inch, then he wouldn't have a problem saying the right things to keep me around. Nearly was I enjoying the manipulative part of this. Ashton was so new to this world, I could make him do anything and believe anything. Evidently, he wanted to fit in and be cool and accepted, so he was willing to do anything for that acceptance. Another easy check mark for me.
"Right, American women do not like to be disrespected." He cleared his throat before grabbing my books and holding them like a gentleman. Cute, but different for me to experience with a guy. Michael and Luke would make me carry their books, never kind enough for a gesture like this.
"Or any women for that matter." I reminded him, spinning around on one foot, cutting him off from walking any further. Our chests slightly collided.
"Are you going to Calum's party tonight?" He brought his hand up to my bangs to place them back where they were, allowing me to catch the scent of his cologne. Sunshine by Paul Smith, I liked it. Different and unexpected. I loved the scent, it was better than the Old Spice that guys here usually doused themselves in even if they could afford the most expensive bottle of cologne. They were basic.
But, Jesus Christ, did Ashton's scent catch me off guard. I had to take a second to close my eyes and just breathe to regain my equilibrium. "I was thinking we could go together after we eat...?" I opened my eyes slowly, one hundred percent afraid to make eye contact with him and feel that sudden sense of self-consciousness again. Before, I couldn't be fucked to think about how my eyelashes looked or if my knees were ashy, though maybe I was becoming a different version of myself that cared about vanity and lust.
"Oh, yes, that's a good plan." He started walking again, guiding me with him as his hand was placed on the small of my back. Oh no.
I grabbed my books from his hands, no longer feeling the need to continue walking with him. "It's a date! I can drive. I'll text you later so you know what time to be ready."
So, I began walking in the different direction. Probably the wrong direction.
"Should I dress nice?" I heard him shout over everyone.
"Do what makes you happy." I yelled over my shoulder.
In a weird, creepy, dark corner was Michael watching the conversation unfold. He shot me a quick thumbs up before disappearing.
A success so far.
-
"So...cheerleader, huh?" Sam sat on my bed as I looked at my appearance in the mirror. After the game I came home to get ready for my "date" with Ashton. I skimmed my closet carefully in search for something that would be visually stimulating to Ashton. A dress? No, it was just burgers and a house party and I didn't want to get noticeably bloated either. So I settled for jeans, a red silky camisole, and a leather jacket. The red would be just enough to catch Ashton's eye. Scientifically speaking, men were attracted to bright colors like red. They were not attracted to the scent of tears. Nothing was a buzzkill like tears. I didn't plan on crying and I could think of the last time I even cried.
Sam was home for the night to take a break from the grueling pressure of being on campus the night before a game. It came with parties and all the girls he could ever want, but he wasn't interested in that. He just wanted to play a good game tomorrow, then come back home and sleep for twenty-four hours. While other college guys were whoring around, Sam seemed bored and unimpressed with those usual activities. He had a girlfriend too, but I wasn't sure how serious they were because she never came around and only spoke about her twice. I couldn't get into his head to figure out what he prioritized and that could be why we were never close. I didn't understand and much less did he understand me. A sad feeling to not know your own sibling.
"Sadly enough." I sat on the edge of the bed, slipping a pair of black boots on. This began to feel like too much. I had my makeup done to the usual extent, nothing more. And I reapplied the perfume from earlier that I had gotten lost in the shower.
My brother snorted. "I feel that."
"Who told you?"
"Mom can't keep her mouth shut."
"I should've known." I went back to the mirror, running my fingers through my bangs, trying desperately to get them to do something nice instead of torturing me with their horror tonight. My bangs were living their own life and sometimes I was just living in it.
"Going to Calum's tonight?" I nodded. "This is a new world for you, Sage. Stay protected."
Sam came up behind me and slipped three condoms over my shoulder.
"Oh, Sam. What the fuck?" I backed away quickly. Totally disgusted with the turn this conversation had taken. Sex was never something we even tried to talk about together. Personally boundaries.
"Abstinence isn't key. Protection is key." He laughed as he stuck the condoms in the pocket of my jacket and zipped it up.
"Thank you?"
Sam sighed, crossing his arms. Something was off about him. Especially in the way that he looked at me with deep concern. "I just want you to be prepared for this stuff. I know you're more than capable of speaking up for yourself and beating the shit out of any guy, but Calum's world isn't easy to live in. It's scary." His voice was soft. "What kind of brother would I be if I didn't look out for my sister?"
Even though he was serious, I couldn't take him seriously. I just laughed as I began walking out of my room and down the stairs to finally leave.
"I'm just going to validate whatever you're saying so you feel better."
"Sage?" Sam called from the top of the staircase. "Dad said to take the Range Rover." He tossed the keys my way.
Such a privilege. If I didn't swoon Ashton with my looks, then he'd definitely drool over the matte black car. I nodded to Sam, thanking him silently for this opportunity. Maybe he knew I had some grand scheme under my belt and wanted to help me. I don't know. All I knew was that my mom mixed sleeping pills with wine for dinner instead of showing up to the first game I was cheering at, so I didn't have a curfew tonight. Sam wouldn't bother to check up on me and my dad was too busy at work to think twice about me. That was fine. I needed more hours in the night to have Ashton in the palm of my hand.
I thought it was cute that Ashton had his hair gelled back and he wore rather decent clothing as well. I was a fan of the short sleeve pink button-up shirt he wore. He looked hot, I didn't want to say that out loud though.
Before he could notice me, he was standing anxiously in my driveway with his hands in the pockets of his trousers. His face lit up when he saw me.
"Mum said I could drive if that's okay with you?" He pulled out the car keys from his pocket, dangling them in the air.
I dangled mine in return with a proud smile. "I got special Range Rover privileges for tonight, so I will be driving."
He didn't argue, he just let me take over. That was good, you know? A lot of guys felt like they needed to take the lead and hold your hand to help you, but Ashton was just letting me do whatever I pleased almost as if he trusted me.
We entered the car, not speaking a single word to each other until we realized how uncomfortable the silence had become between us. I was too embarrassed to connect my phone to the car's Bluetooth and let Ashton listen to the music I had on my phone.
"Your dad seems cool based off what my mum says." Ashton broke the silence.
"I'm thankful to have a father like him."
"I would be too."
"Where's your father?"
"That's a story for another day. Don't wanna kill the mood." From the corner of my eye I could see him shuffling around to grab something. "Oh, I made you something. No one really makes mixtapes anymore, but you've been really welcoming to me so I decided to make you one. It's just a few of my favorite songs that I think you'll enjoy. Nothing too sappy."
"Well, I appreciate that." Really, a sweet gesture. No one ever did small things like this for me. Luke would make me a cake here and there, but other than that I had to be extremely lucky.
I told Ashton I'd listen to the CD later as I get ready for bed.
We sat at the restaurant awkwardly silent again. I glued my eyes to the menu even though I knew what I wanted while I thought of good conversation starters for this date.
"This place is nice." Ashton said. "A little fancy for burgers, don't you think?"
I looked at him from over the menu, playfully glaring at him. "It's the only place to even get a burger." The waiter made his way to the table and I spoke before he could. "I'll have the usual and he'll have the same."
I handed the man the menu's. I came here often by myself, so the staff knew me and what I wanted. My order never changed.
"You scare me."
"How so?"
Ashton shrugged. "You seem sure of yourself, I've never really been around anyone like that before."
"I'm just me."
"Tell me something about yourself that no one else knows." Ashton stirred his straw around in his glass of water, finding amusement in that since we weren't sharing an interesting conversation. I didn't know what to talk about. Michael didn't give me the instruction manual to learn how to talk to Ashton. In fact, I wasn't giving any real instructions when it came to this.
"Or do you really want me to tell you something dirty about myself so you can get off to it later?" I huffed hot air through my nose.
"I genuinely want to get to know you." He gave me a hurt look. Almost disappointed with my response.
"So you can get into my pants in a few months then dump me and you're left with all of this knowledge about me? No thanks." I took a sip from my water.
His chin rested in the hand that wasn't stirring his straw, allowing him to get a good look at me and watch my expressions and movements carefully. "Just because I'm friends with Calum doesn't mean I'm a bad person too."
"Who you surround yourself with says a lot about you as a person."
He ignored my comment and asked, "When's your birthday?"
"December 15th."
"I thought you were a Scorpio for a bit. Maybe even a Gemini." Everyone always guessed I was either.
"A proud Sagittarius."
"Makes sense." Ashton grinned. "I'm giving this friendship more commitment than you are. But that's okay, it takes patience on both sides for us understand what's going on between us. It'll take time to develop a strong bond. You're the restless Sagittarius and I'm the tied down Cancer."
"If that makes you happy." I didn't believe in much he said, I just wasn't that kind of person to dive into astrology and think it was real.
We were finally served our food after more silence. I was having trouble talking to him in such a close setting. I was mentally ready for everything that could go wrong that I never prepared myself socially to actually make Ashton like me for more than I physically was.
"My favorite color is yellow, depending on my mood it can be lime green. I have trouble picking a favorite band or musician because everyone I listen to is influential in some way. I sleep too much or maybe not at all. My favorite show? I don't know, I don't watch enough quality television to say. I love Tres Leches cake, but I'll only eat it when I'm in Southern California because it's more authentic. When I can't sleep I watch millions of YouTube videos until it's daylight. Pickles are my favorite snack and I think Starbucks is overrated." I breathed. "Your turn."
"My favorite color is red. I'm fascinated with IKEA and I think going there would be my dream date. Milkshakes are nice. I'll sleep for a few hours or not at all, nothing in between. I forget my keys a lot whether it's the car keys or the house keys. Olives are disgusting. I agree with you on the favorite band thing, all the bands I've listened to have all helped me at different points in my life. Calum says I snore, but I don't believe it. I don't know how to feel about America yet, but you're making me like it a lot so far."
"Why do I have such an influence on you?" I asked him. I always thought of myself as a silly girl from Seattle with an above average family. I never saw myself as anything more. I lived with myself every single day, only I knew the good and the bad to me. I hated myself, but most days I thought I was a decent human, just nothing special.
"I don't know...you're different. The best kind of different I'm yet to experience. I haven't met very many people who won't take anyone's shit, you're a rare breed. You're refreshing." He supported his beliefs, but I still couldn't believe him.
"That, I'm not."
Over dinner, our conversation was great. He was funnier than I imagined and he was able to come back with sassy remarks. Refreshing was a good word for this relationship in general. This was the first time I had sat with a guy that wasn't Michael or Luke and actually felt comfortable enough to tell him things about myself. For a split second, I worried Ashton was trying to get into my pants, but the more he spoke with intelligence and emotion about everything, the more I realized he was going to be difficult to crack. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I found my equal.
We paid for our food and slowly walked back to the car. It wasn't the romantic type of slow walking. It was more like we were stuffed and didn't want to move so fast or so suddenly and throw up. But we did walk closely to each other, our shoulders occasionally brushing.
"I want you to have this." Ashton said as he stopped walking. He shrugged off his Letterman jacket, holding it out towards me. When I didn't take it, he draped the jacket over my shoulders, smiling softly at me.
"I don't deserve this." I shook my head, feeling extremely guilty. Here I was, manipulating Ashton for my friend's benefit and he had no clue. All he thought was that I deserved the jacket. Would the truth come out eventually? I was afraid.
"But you do, Sage." He tucked my hair behind my ears and I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm hopeful for us. Maybe in ways that you're not ready to understand."
this took so long to write bc my wifi is trash. but also i love evelyn so here we go. enjoy.