Eliza
By the time Leon and I arrive back at the house, we're both physically and mentally exhausted.
I'm happy that the truth has finally been exposed, but now it's only complicated my situation. Hearing Leon say he still loves me, that he never stopped loving me, has caused the old emotions to become stronger, and they mix like oil and water with my feelings about James. Now, I'm in dire need of a decision to be made. Although I love James, Leon's magnetic pull is strong.
"Are you okay?" Leon asks. He turns to face me as we stand on the front porch of the carrier house. It's strange to walk him to the door and no longer want to smack him silly for lying to me and ghosting me for two months, but all the confusing pieces now fit together. And I've realized that this situation we're now in wasn't entirely his fault. Tenille was right when she asked me why I didn't put in the effort to contact him. I gave up too soon. "Thanks for helping bring in my stuff from the hike," he adds.
I glance down at the couple of extra sweaters. I keep trying to convince myself that I offered to help him carry his stuff back to the house out of the goodness of my heart, but I know it's a lie. Now that everything makes sense, it's difficult to resist his magnetic pull. It's difficult to resist the past we share and explore what could have been. The truth is, I want to spend more time with Leon. "It's no big deal," I reply, my voice timid. "And I'm okay, yeah."
"Liz," he says. "It's okay if you're not. I know I've sprung...a lot of information on you, and I'm sorry for that. But I had to tell you the truth."
My heart splinters off when he calls me that, like no time has passed at all, like we're still reckless teenagers and he's still my boyfriend. I drop my eyes to the sweaters in my arms, to the wooden floorboards of the porch, to any surroundings that seem entirely irrelevant at this moment, anywhere but his face. I've never been stuck in a love triangle before – for the longest time, Leon was the only man I loved. So how am I supposed to make a decision? How do I decide between two men that I'm in love with?
Feeling bold, I swallow hard and look into Leon's familiar eyes. Instantly, I'm shrouded with warmth and happiness; a shield that protects me from the hurt and pain and anxiety I feel in my stomach. It's the same feeling I get whenever I look into his eyes, whenever I remember how important Leon was to me. For as long as I can remember, he's felt like home. I'm compelled to answer him honestly, to tell him that I'm far from okay, that I miss him and that I'm sorry for not putting in enough effort despite him ghosting me, that I'm proud of him for overcoming his unstable emotions, but I can't form the words on my tongue.
"I'm okay," I lie. "Honestly. I'm just...Things were a little overwhelming. I need some time to process what's happened."
Leon adjusts the hiking gear in his arms and nods. "I understand. It...It is a lot to take in." He pauses and glances at the door behind him. "We should probably get a move on. More of your family members are coming tonight and people are probably wondering where we are at this point."
I nod in agreement as I follow Leon into the carrier house. The hike took longer than expected – we almost missed the last chairlift down – because we were both so emotional. As I follow Leon through the entrance and to the kitchen, guilt begins to claw its way up my throat. Now is the point where I should be saying goodbye to him and returning back to the house to see if James is ready to apologize to me. But even as I set down the sweaters on the counter and try to talk myself out of staying here any longer, my feet won't move. After years of missing Leon and wondering if he was okay, I don't want to leave him alone. I want to get to know him again.
"So," I say, tugging at my hair. "Um, are you still playing golf?"
Leon cocks an eyebrow at me as he begins to empty out the containers from his backpack. He squirts a little bit of soap into the sink and then begins to fill it up with warm water. My cheeks turn pink because I know what I've asked is a stupid question – he kicked James's ass the other day on the golf course.
"I'm actually close to becoming part of the PGA tournament," he says softly. "I have to go through a few more games this year. If I win those, I'm in it for next summer."
I almost let out a scream of joy. It was Leon's dream to make it to PGA-level golf. I cover my mouth with my hands, tears pooling in my eyes. "You did it," I whisper. "You actually did it."
The corner of his mouth tugs up. "I'm not quite there, Liz."
"But you're close," I argue. "And you know you're going to win these upcoming games. You've basically made it."
His nostrils flare as he submerges a container beneath the sudsy water and begins to scrub away the sticky peach pie filling that's stuck to the edges. I don't know what I've said to upset him, but I can tell something is off by the way his posture has turned rigid. Not sure what I'm supposed to say to him, I wander around the corner of the island and grab a dry dish towel. When Leon is finished scrubbing the container, I take it from him and dry it. We continue on with this until all the dishes are done, including the water bottles. I fold the damp cloth up and hang it over the faucet. Then, without any hesitation, I turn back to Leon. "What's wrong?"
He looks at me with his beautiful, unique eyes. "That's not a simple question to answer."
"Why?"
"Because," he sighs, "I'm in love with you. You can't even begin to understand how hard it is to watch you and James kiss and hug and laugh at each other's jokes. I want to tear him away from you and tell him he doesn't deserve you. But it's not my choice to make. You deserve to have someone in your life that loves you, Liz. You choosing James and him being a better man than I was... it kills me. But at least you're happy. That's all I've ever wanted in my life. Loving you is killing me, but I can handle it. As long as you're smiling, then I'm content." He pauses, scratching the back of his neck. "I never came here to ruin your wedding or drive you and James apart. Even if it seems that way. I wanted to tell you how I really feel so I didn't regret it for the rest of my life. Whatever you choose to do, Liz, I'll support you until the end."
My smile quickly vanishes and I'm filled with guilt. I press my lips together tightly, trying to hold back another wave of emotion, but it's too much for me. Although years have passed between us, Leon is still the same old caring person I remember. He has morals. He respects the decisions other people make. He's so utterly kind-hearted that I can't fault him for expressing his feelings for me. I feel terrible for the way I reacted when he first arrived, for the way I treated him and pushed him away. I feel terrible for not fighting for him even though my heart begged me to. A tear leaks slowly onto my cheek.
"Leon...You weren't supposed to leave me."
"And you weren't supposed to leave me," he counters.
The pain in his voice makes me cry harder, and my heart begins to ache. I can't go back and change the past. And nor can I change the fact that being torn between two men I love is my new reality.
"I'm sorry," I choke. "I'm sorry for not coming after you. I was just...I was so caught off-guard when you lied to me that I never thought about what could be going on behind the scenes. I should have come to Newfoundland and searched every house on every street until I found you. Even after the two months you ghosted me, I should have kept on trying until you answered." I pause and take a deep breath. "But we're different people now, Leon. We have different lives."
None of those factors matter to me. What I'm trying to do is convince myself that I belong with James, that this wedding needs to go through. I never wanted to be the type of woman who would break a man's heart only weeks before the wedding.
Leon stares at me for a few seconds and then shakes his head. "No, we're not. You're still Eliza Sangster and I'm still Leon Saint-Laurent. We've grown, we've met new people, and some things have changed. But you're still that same girl who loves kettle corn as much as she loves mechanics. The girl who called me to her room at night because her parents were fighting. The girl who used to beat up the boys at school when she saw them bullying other girls. The girl who called 911 after I broke my ribs because of a stupid bet."
I choke on another sob, wishing he would shut up and stop telling me all these things I already know. I don't want to hurt James. I don't want to hurt Leon.
"And I'm still the boy who fell in love with that girl." His voice softens with emotion as he continues. "I'm the boy who always promised I'd be there for her. The boy who lived and breathed to see her happy." Leon tosses the wet cloth into the sink and runs a hand through his hair, looking tormented. "I want you back, Liz – I'm not going to deny that. But I will not dishonour my reputation by breaking you and James up. Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I'm trying to convince you to come back to me. You're in charge of your own life and what you want to do with it. My emotions are valid and I will speak nothing but the truth. I lied to you once and I swore I would never do it again. So, even though I think we're still the same people and I want you back, I'm not going to stand in the way of you and James. If you decide to marry him, if you're happy with him and want to marry him, then go right ahead. I will still be in the audience. I will still clap and cheer when the ceremony is over."
Frustrated, I give Leon a shove. "Goddamn you! Why do you have to be so goddamn perfect? It makes me sick! You complicate everything!"
"I'm not complicating anything," he argues, his voice calm. "You're complicating things by overthinking them. I know what I've said has made things hard for you, Liz, but that's only because you're letting this get to your head." He takes a couple of steps toward me, his eyes never straying from mine. "Which begs the question: Why are you letting it get to your head? Are you happy with James? If you don't feel anything for me, then why are you panicking? The choice should be easy if you feel nothing for me." He reaches up and cups my face, trailing his thumb along my cheekbone.
I draw my bottom lip between my teeth and inhale deeply through my nose. Of course I still feel something for Leon – that is inevitable. He's the love of my life, and he always will be. But just because you've met the love of your life doesn't mean you can't love another person. James was there when I needed him. I fell in love with him because he helped me get back on my feet and start living life again.
Deciding that I've had enough with this conversation, I turn on my heel and head to the front door. Leon doesn't bother to come after me, which I'm thankful for. I need more time to figure this all out. I keep trying to look for what's easy; I keep trying to convince myself that James is the man for me, despite the way my heart flutters whenever I see Leon or hear him speak.
I shake my head.
No.
I have to be faithful. I have to tell James about Leon. I have to tell him that my heart still belongs to him.
But even as I walk to the main house, trying to focus on James and the love we share, Leon still haunts the back of my mind.
* * *
I sip my lemonade and gaze out the window of the bedroom. The view from here is my favourite because it shows the pasture, the mountains, and, in the far distance, the trail to the cliffs. When I was a kid, Tenille and I would stay in this room whenever I came over for a sleepover. Back then, this room had a TV and a bigger bed. We used to sprawl out across it and watch the Twilight Saga on repeat, gushing over Taylor Lautner's abs and Robert Pattinson's sexy, tousled hair. But, after Sarah came in and unplugged the TV so we would go to bed, Tenille and I used to crawl onto the window seat and watch for falling starts until our eyes drooped.
Suddenly, my thought pattern is interrupted by the sound of the bedroom door creaking open. I glance over my shoulder and see James. He's dressed in his work clothes and there's a smudge of dirt on his face.
"You're back," I say.
"Hey," he replies, surprised to see me. As far as James knows, I was supposed to go out with Tenille to run some errands. "What are you doing here?"
His words annoy me. "This is my bedroom, too."
"Christ, Eliza," he sighs. "I know. That's not what I meant. I thought you were going out with Tenille, okay? I wasn't expecting you to be home."
I press my lips into a flat line and turn to the window. To be honest, I was hoping James would avoid this room entirely so I could wallow in my sorrow and guilt alone.
"Are you okay?" he presses.
"I'm fine," I reply. "Just tired from all the planning."
Hesitantly, James walks over and places a small kiss on my head. "I'm sorry, Eliza," he whispers. "I acted like an asshole. I let my emotions get the best of me and didn't stop to think about what you wanted to do. I'm so, so sorry. I should have trusted you."
I'm taken aback by his apology. I wasn't expecting to hear one anytime soon, but I'm pleased with what's been said. At least he's realized what he did wrong. "That's very...Thank you, James. I accept your apology."
He smiles down at me, a lustful look in his eyes as he presses another kiss to my head. He then picks me up and wraps my legs around his waist. My lemonade falls to the hardwood. Glass, lemonade, ice cubes, and slices of lemon spread across the floor as he carries me to the bed. It isn't hard to see the excitement in his eyes or hear the heavy breaths that are filling the room. I know James wants to have make-up sex, but I'm not in the mood for it. I'm still too raw from my conversation with Leon. I just need a day or two to think about it and for everything to go back to normal.
James presses his mouth against mine and kisses me, softly at first, and then deeply, using his tongue to pry open my lips and memorize the taste of my mouth. "God," he rasps between kisses, "I've missed you so much. I hate it when we fight, Eliza."
I take a deep breath of his sweaty masculine smell and try to get caught up in the moment. He should be turning me on right now. I should be tearing off his shirt and undoing the zipper of his jeans. But...but I can only focus on why he's not turning me on.
He rips his lips away from mine and begins to trace a pathway down my neck. He pulls the V-neck of my shirt down further and kisses the valley between my breasts. I close my eyes and force a soft moan to escape my mouth, trying so hard to make my body react to his touch.
But I feel nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
"James," I say, pressing my hands against his chest. "Stop. Can we take a rain check? I'm supposed to help make dinner tonight. More of my family members are coming in and, well...yeah..."
James pulls away from me and rubs my thigh as he nods. "Right. Okay. Yeah. That's not a big deal. I completely understand. Besides, I need to shower before we greet everyone." He presses a small kiss to my lips. "I'll go get cleaned up. I'll also clean up the lemonade and glass."
As James gets off of the bed, I breathe a silent sigh of relief. I'm happy he's kissing my ass at the moment. If he weren't concerned about getting back on my good side, he may have questioned me about not wanting to have sex with him.
When the door is closed behind him, I fall back against the pillows and groan, wondering if this is going to get any easier for me.