Eliza
I wake with a pounding headache and extremely sensitive eyes – the bright sunlight streaming through the open window makes them feel like they're being burned with a hot flame. The sunlight nearly blinds me as I roll over and find it within myself to sit up. A groan escapes my throat as the headache and body aches become more prominent. A wave of dizziness also engulfs me, making the room sway. I close my eyes and take several deep breaths, waiting until I'm sure that I'm not going to keel over before I open them again.
When I glance around the room, nothing seems out of the ordinary: the sun is streaming in and patterning the floor with light, the sheets are warm through my pyjamas, and the room smells like alpine air with a hint of my peach-scented shampoo. The only thing that's out of the ordinary is my hangover. I lean back against the fluffy pillows and breathe a sigh of regret. Why do I do this to myself? Every time I have a hangover, I promise myself that I'll never put my body through this ever again. And yet, I continue to do it.
Disgusted with myself, I tilt my head to the side and reach over to grab my phone. I'm not sure what time it is or how long I've slept in, but something tells me it's fairly late. However, before I can grab my phone, I see a tall glass of water and two pills right next to it. There's also a little blue sticky note attached to the side of the glass.
Frowning, I reach out and grab the note.
In case you need these when you wake up.
My breath catches in my throat – I'd recognize that writing anywhere. It's neat, but also a little slanted and smudged, something that could only happen to someone who is left-handed. I read the note several times before I neatly fold it up and slip it into the pocket of my jeans that I never changed out of.
Wait a minute.
I glance down at my jeans – I guess I'm not wearing pyjamas after all – as memories of last night rise to the surface. They're blurry; clouded by the taint of too much alcohol and not enough food, but I can vaguely remember Leon leading me up to the bedroom. Embarrassed, I drop my face into my hands and groan. It was nice of Leon to help me out during my rampant mouth and stumbling feet, but I can't remember exactly what I said to him. Oh, God. Why did I let him help me? What the hell did I say? I must have looked like an absolute fool.
"You're up."
I jump and jerk my head up in response. Instantly, I make eye contact with James's brown eyes. The bags under his eyes are a light shade of purple and are very heavy with sleep, prominent against his peachy complexion. I'm surprised to see him; he's dressed in nothing but his boxer shorts and a ripped grey t-shirt. His hair is a mess of tousled strands that stick up in every which direction. I don't recall him getting into bed with me last night, but even if he did at some point in the middle of the night, I doubt I would remember it. I can vaguely recall Leon sitting on the edge of the bed and waiting for me to fall asleep, but that's about it.
"I am," I reply, pushing the covers back. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and stretch out my sore muscles. My head throbs with every movement I make, so I reach out and grab the pills, tossing them in my mouth and following them with a big gulp of water. I then set the cup down and briefly close my eyes, wishing the pills would kick into action immediately.
"You look rough this morning," James says. I feel the mattress sink beneath his weight as he sits down beside me. "How are you feeling?"
Buried feelings from yesterday's fight are still fresh in my mind, so the buzz of frustration is potent; I'm still mad that James tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to jump. With the combination of my frustration and the headache, I open my eyes and glare James down. "I'm not sure, James. You just watched me toss back a couple of painkillers. What would your common sense say? Apparently, you're very good with common sense. Remember yesterday? When you told me I wasn't allowed to jump?"
The look on his face is pained. "Eliza."
I get to my feet and begin to head for the bathroom, despite how badly the room is swaying. Honestly, I'm a little pissed that I've done this to myself. I've had enough hangovers in my life – I didn't need another one. "Whatever. I need to get this taste out of my mouth. Talk to me after I've finished getting ready for the day."
As I'm passing by, James grabs my hand. "Eliza, can we please talk? I want to talk to you. Now."
I stare into his dazzling brown eyes. Normally, I'm the first one to speak in these types of fights, but he's clearly the one who has something to say. Quite frankly, he can go for it. I just want these painkillers to kick in so I can take a peaceful, hot shower.
"Look," he says. He takes my hand and threads his fingers with mine. "I know I was wrong for telling you what to do, but you have to realize where I'm coming from. What you did yesterday was reckless, Eliza. That was clearly a dangerous situation to put yourself in and I was worried that you would end up getting hurt. I thought we were past this kind of stuff – especially after our conversation about going to Colombia for our honeymoon. You're a free spirit, Eliza, but we're adults now and we have to act like it. We can't be doing stupid shit when our lives are just beginning."
I press my lips into a flat line and avert my gaze. My anger is starting to boil over. I can understand why James was concerned, but what he doesn't understand is that I wouldn't have done it had there been a single sense of doubt within me. And what the hell is with him calling me a child?
"James," I say through clenched teeth. "I'm flattered that you were worried about me, but you're pissing me off with your excuses. I wouldn't have jumped if I had any sense of danger. Leon, Tenille, and I have been jumping off of those cliffs for years. And why the hell are you calling me a child when you're the one that's clearly acting like one? What? Are you jealous that we had the guts to jump and you didn't?"
My voice is getting louder and louder, the anger in my gut ready to explode like a goddamn volcano. I wrench my hand free from his grip. How dare he. How fucking dare he.
James gets to his feet. "That's unfair of you to say," he argues. "I'm not jealous of anything, but ever since Leon got here, you've been acting different. Reckless. Unpredictable. Where is this coming from? I'm not trying to control you, Eliza, or dictate all the decisions in our relationship, but you need to be smarter with the decisions you make."
"Really?" I spit, arching a brow. "Then what the hell was wrong with going to Colombia for our honeymoon? Huh? And leave Leon out of this – he has nothing to do with this argument. Also, I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions! My own smart decisions!"
He throws his hands up in the air with an exasperated look on his face. "Colombia is dangerous!"
Something inside me snaps. "There are plenty of goddamned precautions we could have taken and you know it! For the love of God, James! When I agreed to marry you it was because I thought you were one of those men who wouldn't try to hold me back or suppress my passions." I flick my gaze up and down his body, disgusted with him. "But maybe...Maybe I was wrong."
His face falls. "Eliza...you can't say that..."
"Oh," I laugh. "Now you're telling me what I can and can't say?" I press my fingers to my temples – why the hell haven't the painkillers kicked in yet? "You know what? Fuck you and leave me alone for a while. I feel like crap and I want to shower. Come talk to me when you realize what you've done wrong. I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you've been acting weird. Overprotective, even."
He reaches out and grabs my shoulders before I can turn around and step into the bathroom. "I've been acting weird?" he demands. "Ever since Leon arrived, you've been fidgety. What the hell is up with that? Did you lie to me when I asked if I needed to worry about anything? Or are you fucking him behind my back?"
I feel like I've been slapped across the face. I may have wanted to kiss Leon, and I may not know where the two of us stand, but I would never act upon my emotions without ending things first. Never. I can't believe James would think that of me.
"I haven't seen Leon for two years, James! How would you feel if someone just stepped back into your life unexpectedly? I didn't even invite him to the goddamned wedding! Tenille invited him. And, for the record, I'm not sleeping with him. I would never do that to you."
"I find that hard to believe. You keep spending time with him – what else am I supposed to assume?"
"HIS MOM DIED OF PANCREATIC CANCER!" I yell, shoving James back. Tears begin to drip down my face as my emotions slowly combust. "I keep spending time with him because I never got a chance to mourn the loss of his mom. Crystal Saint-Laurent was more of a mother than my own ever was and I just found out about her death. How do you think that makes me feel?" James opens his mouth to respond, but I cut him off. "Don't even bother answering that question. You've had your head stuffed so far up your ass that you haven't been paying attention to me. There were so many signs and you failed to see them. Leon, on the other hand, has been comforting me like a man should."
My own words catch me off-guard, sending a shock straight to the base of my spine. I've spoken the truth, I realize. Leon has been by my side more than anyone else in this house. He's allocated time to me. He even tried to neutralize the war between my parents instead of making himself look good for them. I run my fingers over my lips, remembering the kisses we used to share under the oak tree, and a warm feeling spreads through my stomach. Although everything has changed, it feels like nothing has changed between me and Leon. I feel like the young girl I once was; desperately and hopelessly in love with my best friend.
How is it possible for me to still have feelings for Leon after all this time? I know I shouldn't – I'm marrying James and I still love James – but I can't seem to suppress them anymore. Ever since Leon arrived, I've been trying to avoid thinking about the feelings we used to share and it never once occurred to me that I might still feel the same way. I press my fingers harder against my temples, softly cursing at my stubborn heart. Is it possible to love two people at the same time?
"Eliza..." James trails off.
Snapping out of my thoughts, I remember that this argument has nothing to do with Leon and that it has everything to do with the fact that James is acting like a controlling asshole. I shake my head and peel myself away from his grip. "No. I don't want to talk to you. I'm going to have a shower. I'll see you downstairs."
Before James can say another word to me, I close the bathroom door and lock it behind me. I instantly strip out of my alcohol-scented clothes and start the shower. As the water heats up, the room filling with steam, I stare into the mirror. I look terrible: pasty skin, bags under my eyes, dried drool at the corner of my mouth, and a greasy bun atop my head. Embarrassment causes my cheeks to flush. Did I look like this when Leon helped me upstairs? I close my eyes and groan again. God, I need to figure out what the hell I said to him.
The more I think about Leon and everything that's happened, the more I begin to wonder what our lives would have been like if things had been different. Would we be getting married and going to Colombia for our honeymoon? Or would we be married already and have a kid or two? Would our son or daughter have my eyes or his eyes?
I squeeze my eyes shut as my heart longs for the answers.
After all the time I've spent ignoring my feelings for Leon, I've realized that I can't do it anymore. I can't just stop loving someone – especially Leon, who I spent most of my life with. There are so many memories between the two of us that it's nearly overwhelming. When he first arrived, I didn't want him to find his way back into my heart. But the truth is, I think he's had a piece of it this whole time.
But then there's James – the man I fell in love with for a reason. There are tons of happy memories between the two of us and I do enjoy spending time with him. I didn't just say yes to him because I felt like it; I fell in love with James because he was a piece of something I didn't know I was missing in my life. When I'm upset, he makes me laugh. When we fight, we come back stronger than ever. James is the reason I found myself again; he helped me heal after Leon broke my heart.
I wipe away the tears that are streaking my oily skin.
Within the next two weeks, I'm going to have to make a decision. A potentially life-altering decision. Do I choose James, the one who helped me find my way back? Or do I choose Leon, the man I have loved since the first day of kindergarten?
Catching more tears with the tips of my fingers, I step into the steaming water and allow it to cascade down my back. It burns a little, but it feels good, as all the tension seeps out of my muscles.
There are so many things that I wish I could go back and change. But what matters the most, what matters now is that I sort out my feelings before it's too late. It's possible to love two people at the same time, but you can't have both of them.
* * *
By the time I've gotten ready for the day and have eaten breakfast, I'm already sick of being around people that are too busy discussing the wedding. I want to get the hell out of here and stop focusing every bit of attention on planning and making sure everything is perfect. For all I know, this wedding might not happen if James doesn't apologize to me for the shit he pulled. Which is exactly why, when Leon announces he's leaving for a hike, I follow him out onto the porch. The sun is shining and the sky is clear. It's the perfect day for a hike, especially when I have the day off and James is working.
"Leon!" I call.
He turns around in the middle of the stone pathway. "Liz?" The surprise in his voice is obvious.
I jog up to him. "We should go hiking today, together. Up Whistler Mountain. I have a year-round pass for the gondola and Serena is working today – she'll give you a ride up the mountain for free. What do you say?"
He rubs the back of his neck and sighs. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," I reply firmly. "I need to get away from Tenille. I love her to death, but she's obsessing over the rehearsal dinner and my parents are being overdramatic. As for James...Well, we just won't speak of him for now."
Leon raises his eyebrows in question. "Trouble in paradise?"
I push past him and begin heading in the opposite direction, towards the driveway. I know he needs to stop at the carrier house because there's no way he's going to hike up any mountain or trail with his sandals on, so I'm going to wait for him in the truck. "I don't think trouble begins to define it," I reply. "I'll wait for you in the truck. Don't take too long."
"Uh, okay," Leon replies.
Honestly, he looks a little bewildered. And I guess I can't blame him for being caught off-guard. I usually act defensive around him – I'm not inviting him to go hiking with me or telling him to meet me in my truck. I don't think about it too much, though. I need to get out of here before my head explodes. The goddamned wedding is starting to get under my skin.
Just as I'm about to unlock the door to my truck, I hear Tenille call my name. My grip tightens around the handle and I watch my knuckles turn white. Although we had a lot of fun at the cliffs, we still haven't talked since my outburst at the restaurant; I'm still mad at her for contacting Leon and not telling me. I'm also mad at her for continuing to talk about the wedding when I want to step away from it for a bit. Can she not take a hint?
Pasting a fake smile on my face, I turn around to greet her. "What do you want, Ten?" I ask.
"Where are you going?" she asks. "We have more things to go over. Time is ticking."
"I'm going hiking with Leon," I reply. "Up Whistler Mountain. I'm thankful that you're here, Ten, but I'm getting sick and tired of all this wedding stuff. I want a break to, you know, catch up with my best friend. You of all people should understand how long it's been. Oh...wait a second. You don't. You talked to him and didn't tell me."
Tenille presses her lips into a flat line. "What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry? Because I'm not. You could have easily contacted him – the internet is literally for looking things up! So why the hell didn't you, Eliza? Why didn't you talk to Leon?"
I open my mouth but no words come out. I didn't talk to Leon because I was pissed off at him for lying to me and not answering my phone calls for two months. I held a silly grudge when I should have forced contact between the two of us. No matter how much I blame Leon for our relationship falling apart, I'm guilty, too. I gave up too soon.
"That's what I thought," Tenille says, tipping her chin to the sky. "I did you a favour, Eliza, and you know it. Don't tell me you're not happy that Leon is here."
I draw my bottom lip between my teeth.
"What are you really doing with Leon?" she presses.
"I told you," I frown, "I'm going hiking with him because I want to get away from the wedding drama for a while."
"So you're going on a hike with Leon while James is at work?" Her voice is accusing and judgemental. "That sounds convincing. Regardless, you can't leave right now. We have to finish off the plans for the rehearsal dinner and make sure we're prepared for the sudden influx of family members and friends we're going to be getting within the next few days."
What the hell is it with people telling me what to do?
"Tenille!" I exclaim. "I don't want to focus on the wedding! Hell, I don't even know if it's going to still happen!"
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I want to take them back. I had a plan behind this hiking trip with Leon: to figure out how strong these feelings I have for him really are. I need to see if they overpower my emotional attraction to James. It's shameful to use Leon like this, but I need to figure myself out and make sure I choose the right path in these decisions. I need to make a decision instead of playing games with James and Leon.
Tenille's mouth drops open. "Eliza..."
"No," I reply firmly. "No. I don't want to hear it. You and I have always been honest with each other, Tenille, and while I hate putting all your hard work in jeopardy, I need to figure myself out and where I stand in all of this. I'm not happy with James at the moment, so I couldn't care less about what he thinks of me and Leon spending time together. He made a mistake, and he needs to apologize for it. Until he does..." I trail off and run a hand through my hair. I don't know what's going to happen if James doesn't apologize to me, but I know I don't want to marry a man who tells his fiancée what she can and cannot do.
"Do you still love him?" Tenille whispers.
I don't have to ask for clarification.
Staring down at my hiking boots, I shrug my shoulders. Leon has a piece of my heart – maybe even the majority of it – but I need to scope out my feelings and understand them better. I need to make sure I'm not being fooled by the illusion of him returning. Perhaps it is foolish of me to do such a thing, but it's the only way I'll be able to sort out this messy collage of emotions in my heart.
And just because I'm obsessing over Leon doesn't mean that James isn't haunting the back of my mind. I still love him. We may fight and disrespect each other, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he's one of the good ones.
Tenille presses her lips into a thin line. Behind her, I can see Leon heading this way. There's a backpack slung over his shoulders and a ballcap on his head. His sandals have been replaced by hiking boots.
"Look," I say, lowering my voice. "A part of me will always love Leon, despite the tension between us. Ever since he got here, things have started to changed. Which is why I'm asking that you give me some time to figure this out, okay? I trust you with the wedding, Ten – that's why you're my Maid of Honour."
"Why should I plan a wedding if there's a chance it's not going to happen?" she retorts. In the distance a branch snaps, causing Tenille to look over her shoulder. When she sees Leon, she quickly turns back to me and says, "Fine. But you better figure out your emotions quickly if you don't want to break both of their hearts."
Tenille leaves before I can say another word.
"What was that about?" Leon calls. He takes the steps up to the driveway by two, stopping when he's standing directly in front of me.
I shake my head and turn to the truck. "Tenille's pissed at me because I don't want to focus on the wedding. Let's get out of here before I snap, okay? Are you ready?"
Although I can see his slightly furrowed brow in the reflection of the window, he nods. "Yeah, I'm ready. Let's go."