Leon
After I've put Liz to bed, I head back downstairs to grab a glass of water. The house is quiet, so I'm surprised to find Tenille in the kitchen when I enter. She's snacking on celery covered with peanut butter and raisins while she reviews some notes for the wedding. The very sight of that goddamned binder irks me in more ways than one. But what irks me, even more, is that Tenille is still up and meticulously reviewing the plans for the wedding. It's just after midnight, for God's sake!
"Do you ever take a break?" I ask, glancing over her shoulder as I grab one of the plastic cups that was set out for tonight's events. She's going over the appointment dates for hair and makeup regarding the rehearsal dinner. I squint at the date and my heart nearly gives out on me. It's in two weeks. That means the wedding is close. I tighten my grip around the cup in my hand, the plastic crinkling beneath the force. My time to tell Liz the truth about how I feel is running out.
Tenille shoots an unimpressed glance at me. "Leon, Eliza is my best friend. I want this wedding to be perfect for her. Besides, I'm just double-checking the appointments."
I tap her on the shoulder. "But you're not sleeping."
She shrugs me off. "Did you ever stop to think that part of the reason why I'm in the kitchen at 12:21 A.M. is that I can't sleep? I'm also the Maid of Honour. It's my duty to make sure everything runs according to plan."
I walk over to the sink to toss the plastic cup I broke and to prevent myself from staring at that binder and wanting to rip it up. "It all seems a little overrated, don't you think?" I ask casually. I open the cupboard above the bowl of fruit in the corner of the kitchen to grab a glass, which I then fill up with water from the faucet. "Seriously, Ten. I'm sure that whatever you're doing can wait until tomorrow. This isn't going to help you fall asleep."
"Says you," she counters, turning to face me. She drops the pen to the pad of paper and crosses her arms. "Why are you still up if sleep is that important to you?"
"Liz had too much to drink. I was nice enough, unlike James, who has been a no-show all night, to make sure she got to bed without knocking herself out on the stairs."
She frowns at me. "What the hell is going on between you and James? Where did this conflict come from? All day, there's been nothing but testosterone radiating between the two of you; you're both being ignorant assholes. Are you and James trying to make this wedding more stressful for Eliza?"
I run a hand through my hair. My intention was never to make this harder for Liz. To be honest, I don't really know what I was thinking when I showed up. The invitation to the wedding threw me off; I was driven by my heart and all the underlying feelings I've been suppressing for the past two years. Learning that Liz was getting married...I wish I would have thought things out a little better, but that's what happens when you're in love: you're as reckless as the beat of your heart.
I make eye contact with Tenille. She's still staring me down, waiting for an answer. I press my lips into a flat line and look down at my feet. The longer we stand here, the more I begin to realize just how tired I am of this shit. I'm tired of keeping my feelings locked away. I'm tired of being scared of what the possible outcome might be – how can I assume I know what's going to happen when I haven't taken the initiative to find out? It's not a crime for me to still love Liz. After everything we've been through together, it would be a crime to not love her. For as long as I can remember, Liz has played an important role in my life.
And Tenille has seen the majority of it. She saw how Liz and I's relationship developed over the years. There's no one, aside from Liz herself, that could understand my situation any better. Granted, Tenille is probably going to punch me when I tell her the truth, but I'll take it. As long as it means I can get some of this weight off of my chest.
"Ten," I say softly. "I still love her."
Tenille's face falters as she absorbs the meaning of what I've just said; her lips part and her eyes widen with shock. Feeling defeated by my own confession, I look away and begin to transfer my glass of water between my hands, back and forth. Some water sloshes over the rim of the glass and lands on the floor. I shouldn't be defeated by my own confession, but all it does is reveal how selfish I am. I'm not upset with myself about loving Liz. I'm upset about how I took the first chance I could get my hands on at seeing Liz without thinking of the consequences. I thought I was making the right decisions, but it was selfish of me to not step back and think that Liz was happy and didn't need me in her life anymore.
"Jesus," Tenille says, shaking her head. "I don't know whether or not I should smack you silly or cry for you. Leon...she's getting married. It's a little late for you to be here, ready to declare your love for her."
I begin to scratch the back of my neck. "Yeah, I should have thought this through a little more, but I had to see her. I didn't go a day without thinking about her and everything we had. I didn't go a day without missing her and wishing I could be by her side. God, I could hardly get that night by the creek out of my head for more than five minutes. I know I fucked up, but – "
"The creek?" Tenille interrupts. "What happened by the creek?"
I look up at her, surprised that she's actually asking this question. "Liz never told you?"
She cocks her head to the side. "No Leon," she drawls. "I heard the entire story. That's exactly why I'm asking you what the hell happened."
"Always with the sarcasm," I grin. "I've missed having you around."
Tenille reaches behind her and grabs the pen she was using. "If you don't tell me what happened, I'm going to throw this pen at your head."
I snort softly at Tenille's empty threat. She's a feisty little thing – always has been – but there's no way she would hurt me. "The night before I left, I asked Liz to meet me down by Fitzsimmons Creek, by our rock. I wanted to say goodbye to her one last time with us being alone. I promised that we'd keep in touch and that we'd make the long-distance relationship work..." I trail off and allow the memories of all my mistakes haunt me. I fucked this up so badly – even before I lied to her. I didn't put in enough effort whatsoever. I should have FaceTimed her every day. I should have called her. I should have bought plane tickets and surprised her with spontaneous visits.
"Yeah, yeah," Tenille says. "I get it – there was a bunch of cheesy, romantic words that were said between the two of you. What exactly happened?"
Unable to stand still, I saunter over to the kitchen sink and rinse out my glass. While I'm doing so, I try to separate my thoughts from my emotions. It's a difficult thing to do when that night on Saint-Sangster Rock is in the picture. Every time I think about that night, longing punches me in the gut. If I could ask to relive one day, it would be that one. The way Liz made me feel was indescribable. I want to feel like that again.
Staring out the window above the sink, I notice that the moon has broken through the cloud cover, casting silvery shadows across the slopes of the mountains. "Liz and I had sex that night." My words are barely a whisper due to the pain in my heart. I would give anything to go back and change how things played out between us. I would have put in more effort. I wouldn't have lied to Liz. But, more importantly, I would have gotten the help I needed when I watched Mom deteriorate with each day that passed. And I would have continued to fight against the depression and grief after she died. If I'd have had the tools I now have, Liz would have been in Newfoundland with me.
Tenille gasps and when I turn around, I see that she's covering her mouth with her hands. "You didn't."
"We did," I reply, replaying the events of that night in my head. We were so stupid to have sex right by the creek when someone could have easily seen us, but we were young and in love. Sometimes, love makes you do stupid things. "It was the best night of my life."
Tenille stays quiet for several seconds. She's still shocked by the sudden revelation, and I can't blame her for that. It's hard to decipher what she's thinking, but she must think I'm an idiot for waiting this long to come back to Liz. If I had any logic, I would have come back sooner and not waited for that wedding invitation.
I pinch the bridge of my nose and squeeze my eyes shut. "Am I an idiot for coming back? For even hoping that she still has feelings for me? You have to believe me when I say I didn't come here to ruin their relationship. I want, more than anything else, for Liz to be happy – that's been my goal since the day I met her. I just..." I trail off with nothing left to say. I'm backed into a corner with no way out.
"No," she replies softly.
My eyes snap open. "What?"
"No, you're not an idiot for showing up. You're an idiot with the timing, though. I wish you would have done it before James proposed to Eliza." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "What matters is that you showed up. You could have taken the easy route and avoided Eliza for the rest of your life. I know your heart was in the right place when you lied to her and I know you struggled a lot after your mom died, but you've managed to tackle your issues and work them out. If coming here helps you with closure, then I can't fault you for that. But, Leon, I don't think Eliza is going to take too kindly to you revealing that you still love her, especially during a time like now. The wedding, having her parents here, you showing up – it's got her stressed to the max. She may not show it, but I know she is."
Tenille turns around to her notebook and sets the pen down, exhaling deeply. "I would like to say that Eliza doesn't love you anymore, Leon. I would like to put these complications to rest and let her continue on with the wedding, but if she didn't have feelings for you, she wouldn't be so fidgety around you. She wouldn't be trying to push you away. Instead, she would be welcoming you like the best friend you once were." She drops her face into her hands and shakes her head. "This is going to be a disaster – things are so much more complicated now."
"I know," I reply. I walk up behind Tenille and rest my hand on her back. "I swear, I never meant to make things more difficult. Considering the fact that I received a wedding invitation, I didn't think my appearance would rattle her like it did – I thought she was over me." I pause, my mind spinning. Could what Tenille's saying really be true? Could Liz still have feelings for me? "Do you really think she still has feelings for me?"
Tenille straightens her posture and turns to face me. There are a couple of tears streaming down her cheeks. "Of course she does," she chokes. "You were her best friend, her lover. Your love was purely dynamic. I was always so jealous that Talbot and I couldn't be more like you and Eliza; the two of you fed off of each other and treated each other as equals. And despite the fact that you made her cry for months, it isn't hard to tell that there's a part of her that wonders what life would have been like if things had played out differently. What if you had gone to UBC instead of Dalhousie or she had moved to Nova Scotia after graduating high school? What if you hadn't of lied to her? What if you'd never moved to Newfoundland in the first place? I bet she goes over those questions every single day in the back of her mind."
I avert my gaze back to the window and sigh. I've asked those questions many, many times.
"Something like what you and Eliza had doesn't simply fade away," Tenille continues. Her voice is soft, barely a whisper. "I don't want you to screw this wedding up, but I know the history between you two. If it comes down to Eliza choosing you over James, I would support her decision. I always wanted you and Eliza to have a life together."
Relief washes over me, and I can't prevent myself from rushing over to Tenille and hugging her. I had been terrified she was going to backhand me for even considering telling Liz how I feel. I'm thankful I was wrong about that one.
"Thank you, Ten," I whisper, hugging her tightly.
She hugs me back, her arms tight around my body. As we stand here in this embrace, I hear her sniffle. "I know you didn't come here to break them up, Leon. And I know you didn't come to force Eliza to make a decision. That's the last thing I would have suspected because you're not that kind of person. But if Eliza does make a decision, one of you will get hurt. And you need to be prepared for that just in case this doesn't go your way. Eliza does love James, but I don't think she can't ignore the history that's been written. I could tell that much by the way she looked at you at the cliffs."
I fight against the tears that are threatening to spill. As happy as I am for having Tenille's support, there is that lingering sense of doubt. The outcome is either going to be good or bad. I'm selfish for wanting Liz all to myself, I know, and I never wanted her to have to choose, but I can't keep these feelings hidden any longer. If I go without telling Liz how I really feel, I'm going to regret it until the day I die.
Now, all I have to do is figure out how and when I'm going to tell her.