Hey there, reader,
This is a flashback from Jared's POV of part 3, All I need.
No need to remember or read part 3, only if you want to connect it with Avery's POV
I tried my best to reflect on Jared's thoughts, feelings and stage of life in general in one chapter so hope it comes through :)
Enjoy <3
7 months earlier - Jared's POV
Opening my eyes, the bright light stung so I shut them back immediately as my head started to hurt with an instant and I grabbed my forehead with a painful moan.
"Look who's up," a chatty, high pitched voice from my left side rang in my ear and a giggle from my right caused me to shiver.
"Morning, Mr.Biiig," moaned the giggly voice from my right as I felt a hand on my crotch.
With a sudden move I swept it away and growled as I opened my eyes, my other hand still on my forehead, so I brushed my hair out of my face to have a look on my right.
The blonde from yesterday's party was smiling at me with arched eyebrows while looking to my left I saw Tatia's bright smile from behind her messy black locks.
"I told you he is just as much of a Greek God under his clothes," Tatia grinned as I felt her hands slide through my exposed belly and I pulled the blanket onto my hips.
The Chicago show was phenomenal. The last show of our small US tour and I was so ready to be done and just go home and rest.
Of course, I had more than enough drinks yesterday at the after party, and although I swore, I am not going to bring anyone back to the hotel room... somehow, I ended up with not only one but two women.
"Sweetie, don't you wanna call up that assistant of yours to grab us some coffee?" Tatia asked as she scrolled through her phone.
"Avery will come when she needs to and no, I am not going to call her to grab your coffee," I muttered as an uneasy feeling rushed through me; thinking about Avery seeing not one but two girls leaving my room.
I checked the blonde out with a frown; I was just fucking hoping she was old enough...
"I think I'm going to post this pic of last night," grinned the blonde showing her phone to Tatia, above me.
"Yeah, but look at my legs," Tatia whined," they are in such a weird position... what about the last photo?"
"Noh, Jared looks so ugly on that one," she shook her head.
"What's the fucking time?" I muttered, having enough of their problems as I reached for my phone on the nightstand. "It's time for you two to leave," I stated sitting up, rubbing my head.
I really wished they would be gone before Avery gets here.
Avery...
Lately, any time she sees a girl leaving my room... I see her eyes and I instantly regret that 20 minutes of nonsense pleasure I had. The disappointment and sadness in her tone and look just makes me feel like the smallest person in the world and the guilt only builds up when she takes on the duty of getting rid of the girls the nicest way possible and then offers me breakfast with that smile what makes me believe that it is, after all, alright.
I swear that woman puts me on an emotional roller-coaster in just a couple of minutes and I never really know how I end up feeling good about myself, even though when I see her my first thought is how big of a jerk I am.
"Yeah, I need to leave anyway, but I really am in need of a shower first," the blonde smiled as she jumped up, swinging her bare ass as she made her way out of the room.
I sighed falling back onto my back with hands on my forehead.
Feeling Tatia's hand rubbing my chest I peeked at her from behind my palms.
"You really got that hangover, huh?" she smiled. "Age is getting the best of you. Have you seen you have couple of grey hairs in your beard?" she asked pulling a face. "Should maintain your look more often," she stated almost disgusted as she picked on a hair in my beard, but I just pushed her hand away.
"Don't you have somewhere to be?" I asked as I grabbed up my phone and looked at my reflection if I can see those greys.
"Soon I'm leaving, don't worry," she smiled as she stood up putting on my Gucci robe, but I honestly couldn't care less.
I wanted her and her friend out.
"It was a fun night, as always," she winked throwing her long hair back and I just closed my eyes as I felt her sitting back onto the bed.
I didn't have better idea than to act like I fell back asleep.
This way I don't have to look at her, talk to her or just deal with her in general.
It's not like I didn't like her.
As a surprise as it is, I am not sleeping with every woman I see. Tatia and I can have a good time talking and partying. We go a couple of years back. She is funny and intelligent. We just never cared for a serious relationship, but lately this "friends with benefits" situation became just... benefits. The blonde was honestly just a desperate tag-along as far as I remember.
When Tatia finally left the room, I breathed deep sitting up.
I went through some of the photos of last night on my phone shaking my head and I just couldn't believe this is what I do with my free time on the edge of fifty.
I slowly got up and dragged on some sweatpants I found first in the room then walked out uncertain.
Peeking to the dining area I saw Avery standing around by the wall in her signature over-sized fluffy sweater and yoga pants, talking on her phone and I pressed my lips looking at Tatia and the blonde sitting on the couch.
I knew I had to keep up the image of the fun rockstar, if I don't want these devils to talk shit about me, so I walked to them forcing a smile.
"Ladies," I opened my arms and they stood up with a giggle and I threw my arms around their shoulders. "It was much pleasure to have you both around, but now I'm afraid that the dragon in my dining room has my day scheduled from now on," I said packing both of their cheeks as I led them through the living room into the hallway.
"But... oh, I ordered coffee," Tatia spoke up and I took a deep breath as I opened the door for them.
"Oh, look, here it is! You can take it to go," I forced another smile and as gently as I could, I pushed them out of the door and pulling the trolley in with the rest of the food what probably Avery already ordered, I closed the door behind me.
Taking a couple of cleansing breaths on my way to the dining area I tried to gather myself, knowing exactly what is coming my way and trying my best to decrease the damage I smiled as I looked up to Avery who was now sitting by the table.
"Oh, good morning, Sunshine."
And there it was.
She was nodding as she barely looked at me but that was enough for me to see her fiery-brown eyes filled with sadness; she quickly looked away and I gulped, looking down at the trolley, pouring some coffee for myself.
I peered to her.
I saw her watching me lost in thoughts, her smooth features on her fairy-like face darkened and seemed like she was about to cry in any minute, and I swear I was really about to ask someone to punch me in the d....
I knew it hurt her what I do... I just didn't know how to stop. Why to stop even...
I hate to disappoint her with my actions; the only person who is there for me no matter what, who I will be able to count on even if I will be old and ugly, full of grey hair even.
Avery was the purest, most innocent and sweetest soul I have ever met and without her I would be drowning... in every aspect of my life.
Sometimes I just can't believe how this intelligent, honest and truly good person is still around me despite all the shit I do, say or not say. She takes care of my chaotic life without even asking and sometimes even better in it than me as I tend to get lost and distracted easily.
She really cares about me and whenever she is around, I feel her love and that truly scares me because I would never be able to give her what she needs.
I can't change. It's too late. No one would take me seriously, especially not Avery.
Putting the coffee in front of her I saw her being totally lost in thoughts, so I waved my hands to get her attention.
"Av? You awake?" I searched for her gaze, "Here's your coffee," I pushed it in front of her and she nodded.
She was way too silent and I couldn't deny seeing tears shining in her eyes.
"You alright?" I asked licking my lips nervously as I sat in front of her.
"We have to leave in an hour. You better pack," her voice cold and low.
She was checking her phone, not looking up to me and I sighed.
"Well... would you help me?"
"Sure."
All she said before getting off the chair and went to start packing without looking at me.
I thought it is better not to question and get into weird conversations.
I was just watching her kneeling on the floor silently, folding my clothes carefully into the luggage with lowered eyes.
I felt the urge to go there, hug her tight and tell her how sorry I am; tell her those girls mean nothing to me. Tell her that she is the only woman in my life who I care about and I wish she would never leave my side and I wish I would be able to make her as happy as she deserves to be, because she sacrifices everything for me...
But I couldn't. I can't do that to her.
I can't make her believe that I can change. I don't want to give her false hope, and maybe that is why I am so ignorant towards her.
It's not like I don't care, it is just... if I would start caring... if I would make her feel... that she is special to me, if I would treat her as a friend, that would give her hope and that would probably be a start of me getting closer to her and I just can't possibly let that happen.
As long as I keep myself away from her, she can't be hurt.
I rather see her sad than having her being hurt by me.
She will be fine and when our paths part she will be even better off without me.
After finishing my breakfast, I went to have a long shower and gathered myself. All I wanted was to be home and watch some stupid show to numb my mind.
The flight back home was very quiet, and we were mostly sleeping. I finally got rid of my hangover by the time we landed and when the driver put our luggage into the trunk Avery turned to me with crossed arms.
"Well... go home and have a rest," her forced smile couldn't fool me.
"Aren't you coming?" I asked uncertain.
I was so used to her being around when I am working.
Without ever asking for it, she always woke me up with the brightest voice, which was much more welcomed than the dull sound of the alarm. She always made the best breakfast and for some reason whenever I tried to do my favorite tea to myself it never tasted the same as the one she made.
She was always there to keep me company and her honest words and endless faith in me always gave me confidence in anything I did.
And I needed that more than anything now that I will work with Gucci again just a night after arriving.
"Avery, you know I have the Gucci shoot tomorrow."
I might have come off as mean but I really imagined this evening us together, watching series and just laughing around.
I needed to ease my mind.
"I know, I will be there. I just need to go home," she replied firm and all I could do was to nod as I got into the car.
"Jared, you alright? You seem stressed," stated Shannon as we were sitting in the car silently for a long time now.
I peered at him then back out of the window, chewing on my nail.
"I have the Gucci shoot tomorrow... and Avery doesn't seem to care," I mumbled.
Shannon didn't say anything right away; I thought I can get back to my thoughts when he spoke up after a minute.
"Jared, this can only go on for so long," Shannon sighed. "Yesterday she was sitting alone at the party, you invited her to join, most of the night, glaring at you having fun, and today you are surprised she doesn't want to brush your hair and put you to sleep, and you think she is the one who don't care?"
I looked to him surprised by his raw words then frowned rubbing my forehead and stayed silent instead thinking on his words.
When we arrived at Shannon's place and the car stopped, he looked at me, squeezing my knee to grab my attention.
Looking up at him he smiled lightly then turned serious.
"Don't worry, she cares Jay, and you know that. The only reason what would make her leave is the same reason what's keeping her by your side. Think about that," he patted my knee then left the car, shutting the door behind him.
I knew the reason.
Her love for me was so real, so genuine that it absolutely scared the living shit out of me.
Leaving the luggage in the hallway as I stepped into the big, empty house, a tired sigh escaped my lips and made my way to the kitchen to grab some water from the fridge.
Taking a few sips lost in thoughts about what should I do next, I decided to sit down and work. That is the only thing what can keep me from feeling alone in this huge mansion.
Walking to my small makeshift studio I sat down by the piano, resting my hands on my knees as I looked at the keyboard, trying to gather some inspiration, or any ideas.
After five minutes I pushed down the first key uncertain, then the second and third; listening to the sounds melting into a slow melody.
Kept repeating the melody, I tried different rhythms to it as I closed my eyes, letting my mind wander.
Taking a deep breath, I let my deepest thoughts and feelings surface, trying to make a voice to them, trying to find words to describe them.
I failed.
The words did not surface, the thoughts were not ready to be heard.
I opened my eyes back up, looking down at my fingers as they stopped playing.
As my last finger brushed its way down from the key, a last, low sound filled the room before it all went silent.
I was sitting in that silence for long minutes before I stood up and turning off the lights, I left the room to go back up to the open living room where I, again stood around helplessly for another minute before I grabbed up my robe and made my way into the bathroom to take a quick shower then giving up, I sat myself in front of the tv.
Pulling the blanket onto myself, I pulled my legs up, turning on Netflix to start some new series, trying to concentrate on it, even though I got this feeling of loneliness and need creeping in my mind.
I hugged a pillow into my lap and laid my chin on it, watching the tv uninterested.
After only 10 minutes I heard the front door open and close silently and I felt my heart skip a beat as I put the pillow back next to me.
Hearing those uncertain, careful steps, I knew it's her.
And there she was, Avery; stepping in front of the living room entrance with her small suitcase and purse looking at me with big eyes.
I had to hold back a full grin as my lips twitched into a smile and patted the couch next to me.
She let go of her belongings, kicked her shoes off and tiptoed all the way to the couch, sitting down next to me.
After following her with my gaze I turned back to the tv, taking a deep breath and after just a couple seconds I felt her head as she rested it on my shoulder.
I shivered in surprise looking down at her, holding my breath back as I sank a bit lower to make her feel comfortable.
Having her this close made me uneasy and calm at the same time.
With every breath I took I felt her natural scent mixed with her guava shampoo in my nose. I felt my arm pressing to hers with my rising chest. I saw the curve of her nose and her lips from the corner of my eyes, I heard her gentle breathing under my ear.
Suddenly all my senses were occupied by her and I didn't know anymore what is going on on the tv.
I was trying to reconnect with the series, but it was a lost cause.
Then after just a couple of minutes, I heard her breathing changing. It slowed down and got just a bit louder.
She fell asleep.
I couldn't help but slowly sneak my arm behind her lower back, hugging her waist around I pulled her just a bit closer.
She moaned as she hugged me around like a pillow and I couldn't help but smile as I turned my head to smell into her freshly washed hair and I swear my whole body went into zen mood.
Having this familiar scent this strong fill my nose sent a sense of security through my body.
I don't cuddle with the people I sleep with. I don't sit around hugging; I would never let things go that far.
But I missed it. I miss being there for someone. I miss the feeling of belonging; I miss having someone who cares for me deeply. I really miss hugging that special person and feeling like never wanting to let them go. I miss being loved, I miss making love.
I miss this. I miss the connection.
I hugged her tighter to my body as I closed my eyes.
I can't lose her.
She is all I have.
But after all, my momentary weakness disappeared in a second when morning came around and fear and complete desperation took over me. I acted panicked. I was panicked because I didn't want to disappoint her on the long run.
I did what I do best; I ran.
I made her leave and I tried so desperately to bury my feelings by having Lora around for a whole week, but it was a lost cause.
No matter what I did, who I did it with or how many times; the only thing I could think about was the feeling of hugging Avery to myself and waking up next to her. I was angry at myself for being weak, but I knew from then on, it's a make or break.