▪▪▪
o. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY. YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE YOUR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. IT EVENTUALLY GETS SO BAD THAT YOU END UP COMMITTING SUICIDE. LEAVING BEHIND YOUR BOYFRIEND PETER, TO COPE WITH YOUR DEATH.
warnings: really angsty. mentions of depression, selfharm and suicidal thoughts.
a-n: before you guys read this imagine. i would just like to clarify that this is a real problem and suicide is not the answer. Please if you're at all feeling depressed, tend to self harm or you have suicidal thoughts. Then this imagine may not be for you, and i would advise for you to go get some help. ALSO when i was writing this imagine i felt like crying. So I'd suggest you have some tissues with you just incase.
▪▪▪
i dragged the cool metal of the knife's blade across my skin, forming several cuts as i did so. Tears rushing down my cheeks as i tried taking away the pain. Taking away the pain of the mess i call my life. The pain of not feeling like i belong.
It's turned into a routine for me now. A routine for me to come home from a terrible day at school, then bursting into my own bedroom. Picking up the knife i had hidden deep underneath mounds of my clothes in the chest of drawers i own. Then rushing straight into the bathroom that connects to my room. Before i would then start forming as many cuts as i could across the bare flesh exposed on my body. One cut for each insecurity i had or harsh thing i have been told.
you're worthless. cut.
kill yourself. cut.
im fat. cut.
nobody loves you. cut.
Peter doesn't love you. cut.
i dont even know how you got a boyfriend like that. cut.
you're ugly. cut.
nobody would miss you if you died. cut.
In my head i feel like cutting brings me some kind of relief, just taking out my sadness and insecurities on myself by the form of self harm. I feel like I'm constantly drowning in a sea of insults. Drowning somewhere nobody can honestly save me.
I still wonder why my boyfriend, Peter Parker even agreed to go out with me. Did he feel pity on me or something? or did he actually generally like me? i shook that thought out of my head though. Because i can't even comprehend the fact that i'm anybody special. Because i'm honestly not, im just me. Stupid, fat, ugly old me. Why couldnt Peter just love somebody else? like Liz Allen. she's honestly perfect with her facial features, skin tone, and hair. Or even MJ, who's perfect as well.
i lifted the knife off of my flesh and washed the blood off of both the knife and my fresh new cuts that had appeared moments before. I then moved back into my bedroom from the sink, my bare feet hitting the tiled flooring from the bathroom, before they hit carpet. I sighed sadly, burying my knife into my dresser and underneath all of my clothes. Then moving over towards my bed and flopping down onto it, before crying myself to sleep like i usually do. The same events from yesterday playing in my mind as i entered dreamland.
i walked through the halls of Midtown High, my backpack was slung over my shoulder as i wandered the corridor in search of my first period class. My running shoes hitting the flooring as i did this. My head was held low to avoid the glances of other students around me. Each one of them shouting out different insults or harsh words in my direction.
I just wanted to get to class and have a normal day for once. But that wasnt happening, as every single day im stuck in the same school. Walking down the same corridors, with the same students but different insults. Their judging gazes would constantly follow me as i walked. As if i was a completely different species to them. Or like I'm not even human.
"Y/n!" i snapped my head up once i heard the very familiar voice from a distance. The very familiar voice of my boyfriend, Peter Parker. One of the only students i can actually stand, well other then his best friend Ned who hangs out with us. I felt a small smile form on my lips as i heard him before i switched directions and headed over to where i saw them standing.
"Hey guys." i whispered out quietly, but just loud enough for each of them to hear. I then began fiddling with the strap of my backpack and looked to the ground, as i waited for them to respond to me. But, they never did respond cause next thing i know i was being slammed into the row of lockers behind me.
"Hey Penis Parker!" i heard Flash Thompson, one of our main bullies say towards my boyfriend, who was about to rush to me. "Did you know your freak of a girlfriend always plans on committing suicide."
I could feel my eyesight drift in and out of consciousness not really comprehending Flash's words properly as i soon fell unconscious. Not being able to catch Peter's response either as i got knocked out.
I gasped, as i sat up in my bed quickly, sweat sticking to my forehead in process. I always get nightmares like this. Nightmares of events that actually occured in my life previously. But they always seemed to make my insecurities increase even more.
I then sighed for the second time that night, realising i probably won't be able to fall back asleep. Before i headed into the bathroom again after digging up my knife from my drawers. My bare feet feeling the softness of the carpet as i walked. i never really used my knife more than once a night, unless I've had a incredibly bad nightmare like tonight.
Once i was then in my bathroom, i manouevered my way towards the sink, setting down my small hands onto the counter before looking up into the mirror at my reflection. I could see the bags under my eyes from not getting enough sleep because of my nightmares, as well as the red and puffiness of them from always crying. The messy tangles in my hair from not caring about my appearence any longer, when I would just get judged by it anyway. I could spot every part of my face and some of my body. Pointing out all of my flaws mentally in my mind. I just wish i could disappear. Disappear from this cruel world.
I let a tear slip down the side of my pale cheek and onto the counter top, as i continued to stare at my reflection. Maybe they're all right. Maybe i should kill myself, i mean nobody would miss me right? Bringing my hand up to my face i quickly wiped away the remaining tears and began heading back onto my room. Completely abandoning the knife left upon the bathroom counter. I was gonna do it. I was finally gonna end my suffering.
I shuffled around my room before i managed to find what i was looking for: a chair, rope, a piece of paper and a pen. Once i had those in my grasp i quickly sat atop of my fluffy white bed covers and began writing my suicide note for people to find.
Tears began to stream down my cheeks again as i placed the pen and paper atop of my bed. I then moved the chair underneath the ceiling fan. Where i then climbed onto it, before tying a noose and attaching it to the fan.
Hesitating at first, i then put my head through the loop and muttered out a quick 'I love you, Peter.' before kicking down the chair. Then as soon as the chair clattered to the ground, i found myself dead.
•••
Peter Parker had come to visit his girlfriend's house to hang out and possibly watch a movie with her. Because he could tell from at school yesterday she didn't look to happy. So here he was standing outside of Y/n's door and on the frontstep. He politely lifted his fist up to knock on the door, awaiting for an answer. Only to recieve none in return, instead the door opened slightly and Peter found himself looking into a dark house.
Confusingly, he stepped inside and began calling his girlfriend's name but there was no answer. Peter continued to look around the empty house until he stumbled upon the staircase. Before spotting a light on from Y/n's room. Peter was now beyond confused, usually his girlfriend would be downstairs setting up their movie night by now but she wasnt.
He hesitated at first before climbing the staircase to the second floor of the town house. Once he had then made it onto the last step soon began to manouever his way over towards his girlfriend's bedroom door. Before he then placed his hand onto the doorknob and twisted open the door. The door then opened, and what Peter Parker didnt expect next, was to find his girlfriend hanging lifelessly from a rope attached to the ceiling fan. A chair kicked out from underneath her body.
And just like that Peter could feel his heart break into a million pieces at the sight. At the sight of the love of his life dead in her bedroom. Peter could soon feel tears flowing freely down his cheeks. Not bothering to even wipe them away, he then spotted a note laying atop of the covers of Y/n's bed. So he then moved over there and picked up the letter before sitting down and reading it.
Dear Peter Parker or whoever is reading this.
Everyday i felt like i dont belong. Everyday i felt like i was born in the wrong place. The words that were directly thrown around in my direction at school broke me. I tried my best to not let it affect me at all, but its hard to do that when its constantly happening. I tried my best to hide my pain behind fake smiles and laughs. Even though i was broken on the inside.
Eventually i found myself using a knife to self harm. To atleast try and take some of the pain away. But something like that can only do so much. I thought i could be strong and learn to ignore the insults and harsh words being said about me, but i couldn't.
These past few months, ive had with you Peter were some of the best ive had. I could always find myself trying to be myself around you. You seemed to make me somewhat happy. I didnt have to hide behind a fake smile when with you. I learnt to love you, because you werent like the students at school. You didnt make fun of me. You didnt make up rumours about me and you definitely didnt call me harsh things.
But, it wasn't long till my insecurities increased and i constantly felt like you didn't really like me. Despite the numerous amounts of times you told me you loved me. I seemed to sometimes think that you were only with me cause you pitied me.
I also questioned how much i didnt think i was worthy of being your girlfriend. How much i compared myself to both Michelle Jones and Liz Allen. I always compared myself to how perfect they are. Cause i didn't think they had any flaws at all and i did. I just didn't think i was anything near special. I was just a ugly, stupid, fat person.
I just yet again felt like this wasnt my place. That i wasnt supposed to be born in this time. That i was just a waste of air and space. But now, i can be free finally. Free from all the rumours and insults that would get spread about me. Free from the world.
I just want to say one last time. That i love you and you were the best boyfriend that i could ever ask for. But now, i feel like you should move on now. Find someone who will love you like i did. Someone who you will love like you said you loved me.
Goodbye.
Y/n.
Peter was now full on crying now as soon as he finished reading that note. He had just lost one of the most important people his life. The one person who he loved dearly and with all his heart. He lost his girlfriend and now she said for him to apparently move on. But, heres the thing Peter didn't think he would honestly be able to.
Because Y/n L/n was his absolute world. But now she is gone and there is nothing he can do about it. Which left Peter Parker, himself completely heartbroken.
▪▪▪