I was still sitting on the bed, hugging my knees, looking out of the window as thoughts were running around in my mind without stop.
"Hey... you have to unplug," I heard Jared's voice as he caressed my back. "Give this Christmas time to me... to us and only us... please," he asked gently.
"Why... why me, Jared?" I asked still starring outside. "I can't compete with any of those women you were with... not one of them..." I mumbled as tears gathered in my eyes. "You could do so much better than me...That's why the article never even thought of you and me being together. I'm just... so afraid you gonna realize it too late and I'm gonna just... I don't know... just..."
"Don't be silly, please don't start this," he sighed.
"I can't... I can't help it; I don't want you to end up being with me because we were... friends and now you feel sorry for me and..." at this point even I had no idea what I was trying to say.
"Avery, stop!" his voice raised. "Just fucking stop with this bullshit, I don't want to listen anymore!" he shouted grabbing my arm, dragging me to turn towards him.
"Jared it hurts," I whined trying to pull my arm away.
"Well, not as much as it hurts me listening to you!" he still shouted then let my arm as he stood up from the bed running his hand through his hair.
I looked up to him as tears fell from my eyes.
"You know... I...I..." he was struggling to find words. "You know I liked you by my side for years. The more I thought about it, the more I felt how right this could be. How you just... get me, like you are fucking made for me. I was like, fuck, destiny might be real. But now we are together and since then I saw you cry, and stress more than ever before. I didn't... know this... this is just a burden to you," he turned to me outraged. "I'm giving you everything I have here, and you just don't accept it! And then you come back at me how I am closed up; and when I open up then you and your freak mind start coming at me, I don't know what you want me to do here!"
He was angry and desperate, and his words and tone of voice really scared me.
"You didn't tell me about Lily's message..." I mumbled.
"Oh, okay so you saw it. There you go, Lily did message, but I didn't want to tell you because I knew you're going to freak out! Again! Because in your mind you decided that I must be delusional for being with you! But guess what, you are delusional! Yes, I could be with any of those airheads or Hollywood bitches or Lily, who screwed me over once, but I chose YOU. I want to be with you but not like this! If this is how you feel; if you can't trust me then maybe being friends or whatever we were before, would be better... because then you... you were happy," he sighed looking at me shaking his head in tears then looked away biting the inside of his cheek.
I tried so hard not to cry but tears were streaming down my face looking up to him as my breathing got out of control.
"Jared..." I wheezed hugging my knees more. "I'm so sorry..." I mumbled leaning my forehead onto my knees. "I'm just... I had people walk over me, I had guys cheating on me, I had guys bullying me, I ... I just... I'm used to being hurt... I rarely had any men who I liked like me back and they did for that short time because I always tried to give as much as I can, so they have something to appreciate me for... and you are... I felt nothing like this with them... and I don't know what else to give you what I already hadn't offered. And it's scary to think how big this fall could be..."
He was silent and I didn't dare to look up, but I felt him sitting down onto the bed and his hands pulled my arms away from around my knees.
"Avery," he whispered but I just shook my head, not wanting to look up. "Look at me," he demanded resting his hands on my legs.
I breathed deep as I slowly lifted my head but kept my eyes lowered.
"Please don't give more... you are already giving me so much it's ridiculous." He sighed caressing my legs. "You know... I might just... leave all these creative bullshits of showing it, because you clearly need to hear it," he started quietly. "I love you, Av. I love YOU and only you. Not anyone else," he whispered, and I looked up to him stunned.
He caressed the locks of hair stuck to my teary cheeks away from my face.
"I just want to... have that kind of relationship we had. I want my happy Avery back. The silly one, the gentle one, the caring one... I only want to see tears of joy." A gentle smile appeared on his face as he took my hands. "I need this relationship to work out because I can't imagine my life without you," he admitted.
I just stared at him in awe biting my lips as I looked down then back up to him.
"I... I've loved you for... so long Jared," I breathed as tears fell from my eyes again. "I don't... I can't be friends anymore..."
"I know..." he whispered caressing the tears away with his thumbs.
"You... you knew?"
"Well... Let's just say I had a strong feeling," he smiled lightly pulling me into his lap and hugged me to his chest protectively. "I don't wanna be friends anymore either," he muttered.
I just breathed deep, holding into his arms as I started to calm.
"I'm sorry for shouting before," he continued. "I was just worried. But I just really need you to build up some self-esteem Avery because you know best how the media can be... and I'll try my best to protect you, but you know it well, we can't hide forever, and if you chose me, this is just a package deal..." he sighed.
I just nodded as I turned in his lap, pushing my face into his neck.
"Thank you..." I muttered.
"For what?"
"For telling me... all this."
"You needed to hear it I know. Sorry for being a jerk, I just needed some time. We knew it won't be easy to start a new kind of relationship; and we can't go public until we are not on the same page, otherwise they will eat us up alive," he sighed, and I nodded.
"Please just... not yet," I asked hugging him more.
"Whenever you feel comfortable with it. Until then, we just need to be careful. Now it's you and Shannon anyway," he smiled.
I smiled too, gently caressing the nape of his neck mostly to calm myself.
"I'm sorry for ruining your Christmas Eve..." I sighed.
"Come on, it didn't even start yet," he smiled. "We have to get out of bed first.
I nodded as I stood up and he followed taking my hands pulling me closer for a kiss.
"Let's have some breakfast, Mom must be anxious if we are still alive," he smiled.
"Okay... I just, go to the bathroom to gather myself first," I mumbled but my actions went against my words as I hugged Jared's neck around with my arms and rested my head against his shoulder, breathing in his scent.
"Cool," he nodded, slowly wrapping his arms around my waist and kissed into my neck.
I hummed by the tender touch of his lips what made him plant many more of these kisses into my neck, it gave me goosebumps.
I pulled away sending a light smile to him before I stepped away and walked to the bathroom.
I needed long ten minutes to gather myself and make my face look fresh. I put my hair in a loose bun and put on some yoga pants and a black top.
Walking out I went back to the room where Jared was sitting on the bed on his phone and I walked to mine and grabbed it up opening messenger.
"Hey... no phone, remember?" he peeked at me.
"Yeah, same to you," I raised an eyebrow as I typed a simple answer to Lily's message
"Hi, how r u? I just saw a funny post online... are u working with Jared and Shannon again or...?"
Avery Elizabeth Forbs:
"No, I'm not."
"I'm done," I stated throwing my phone onto the bed and Jared did the same standing up.
"Me too."
As I walked out of the room, he took my hand and kissed my shoulder and I grinned back to him as we walked down the stairs at almost one o'clock in the afternoon.
We didn't even reach the end of the stairs when I saw Shannon and Constance looking back at us from the living room couch, worry written all over their faces.
"Morning fam," Jared smiled as we stepped off from the stairs.
"Afternoon to you too," stated Shannon.
"Is everything alright? Were you arguing?" Constance just put the question out there and I pressed my lips looking up to Jared.
"Nothing, Mom," waved Jared. "We are just trying out different activities couples do. Arguing is not fun, we won't do it anymore," he shrugged and pulled my hand up to kiss it and I smiled blushed peeking to the others and Constance looked calmer.
"Very good to hear," she stood up and came to hug both of us. "Merry Christmas Eve. We have some breakfast but to tell the truth we are ready for some lunch.
"I think... we can do lunch too, right?" Jared looked at me and I nodded.
"Yes, right after coffee," I answered
"And I was thinking to do some yoga before eating anything," Jared went to the kitchen to pour some water. "Who's with me?"
Constance and me both raised our hand excited.
After the twenty minutes yoga session in the living room both Jared and Constance stayed on the ground for meditation what I is just not my thing, so after putting on my jacket I walked outside to the front yard where Shannon was with the dogs.
"Hey... Hippie session is over?" he grinned, looking at me with his hands in his pockets.
"No, the real one is just starting if you wanna join some meditation."
"I only will when it starts involving weed," he wiggled his eyebrows and I giggled shaking my head and folded my arms as it was quite chilly outside.
"What the fuck was Jared shouting at you about?" he started out of the blue, his gaze darkened. "Want me to break his nose?"
I just shook my head.
"Nothing... just... I made him upset, I guess..." I shrugged.
"I don't care, don't shout at you, especially in our Mother's home. I barely could hold Mom back to rumble upstairs and give him a good old slap in the face."
"Oh no... no, I think if someone needed a slap that would have been me," I shook my head. "That's why Jared got upset."
"I never heard Jared shouting with anyone... except me, let alone women. We were thought to respect women no matter what by our own mother; what the hell you did to him to snap at you?" he asked looking really worried.
I looked away, really not wanting to talk about it.
"I guess he just... didn't like that I... I don't really... I just told stupid things, I questioned him about why he would want to be with me I... I think I just made him upset by being lame, which... I really am not, but he just brings out all these insecurities in me..." I sighed looking away.
"Wow... that's... that's not good, Avery. If anything, he should be the one to make you feel confident," he stated, stepping closer.
"It's not him, it's me. He is a sweetheart. I just have to work on my issues by myself."
"Oh, Av," he sighed pulling me into a hug and as much as I appreciated it, I hated it in the same time. I found it harder and harder to be the one everyone has to comfort.
I stepped away from his hug with a forced smile.
"It's okay, Shannon, I'm fine. We talked it out and... I feel much better," I said with a smile and he smiled back and that is when the front door opened, and Jared stepped out.
"There you all are," he exclaimed as the dogs ran to him and he crouched down to hug them around then he looked up to me. "Av, what about a walk around the neighborhood?"
"Sounds good," I smiled.
"Yeah... you guys go," smiled Shannon at me then walking towards the entrance door I saw him grabbing Jared's arm and saying something to him what made Jared yank his arm away, but Shannon made a straight up threatening step towards him.
I felt terrible causing all these troubles around their family home. I felt like I don't belong and just ruining everything for them when they finally have time to spend together as a family.
"Jared, I was thinking," I walked to him as Shannon stepped inside.
"Oh, noh..." he sighed. "What now?" he seemed uneasy again, probably because of his brother's behavior.
"I think I'm going to go and stay in a hotel," I said taking his hands.
His eyes grew wider.
"What are you talking about?" he asked as I sighed and made my way inside.
"I think you were right at first. It is just too soon to be here and the last thing I want is to cause all these troubles for you all. I'd like to spend the Christmas with you, but I think it is better for all of us if I am not staying here all day," I stated looking at the others too as I stepped into the kitchen.
"Avery don't be silly," Constance immediately stepped in front of me and Jared just stared at me from the kitchen door.
"No, it's just... I hate to see all of you on the edge because of us, I... it was a spontaneous decision what we didn't think through..."
"If you go right now, don't come back," Jared cut me off and then just walked away, and after a second the entrance door was closed shut.
I looked after him wide eyed as my heart started to beat faster in my chest, feeling my throat closing up.
"Okay, now he is hurt, and you are confused," Constance put her arm around my shoulder. "Come sweetie, let's get you a nice cup of tea and some pancakes. They are not vegan, you gonna love them," she smiled. "Then we will all go into town for the Christmas tree light up to the marketplace, have some mulled wine and shopping," she said on a shooting voice making me sit by the kitchen table as I just fought back my tears, nodding desperately.
"I'm so sorry, Constance... I... just... I thought that is the right thing, I..."
"I know, darling," she smiled comforting. "You two are going to be fine. Jared has deep feelings for you what is hard for him to handle and the same goes to you. You both have to be patient in adjusting," she explained putting the tea in front of me.
Finishing the pancakes, I put the plate into the dishwasher and walked to the living room looking around the big, decorated fireplace and my eyes wandered to the photos of Constance and the boys. Starting with the one with the Oscar gala photo, down on memory lane, until the boys were so little, picking berries with their mother in the forest.
I smiled, having a closer look on the photo when I felt two strong arms wrapping around my waist from behind, pulling me in close.
"I'm so sorry, babe," Jared mumbled into my neck.
I hugged his arms around, caressing them through.
"Let's start this day all over again, okay?" he breathed deep, turning me towards him.
"Okay," I whispered, looking into his eyes, as I drove my hands around his waist.
He sighed leaning his forehead to mine closing his eyes and I did the same.
"Would you care for some not so vegan pancakes?" I asked with a light smile.
"I'd rather choose death!" he stated, and I laughed.
"What about some avocado toast ala me?" I smirked and he laughed out loud.
"Oh yes, avocado toast ala Avery, with a splash of coffee," he remembered when I first made him breakfast when he was home after his surgery and I accidently splashed the coffee into the avocado cream. Since that was the last one at home, he ended up eating it and moreover, he liked it a lot.
"I'll make it for you," I grinned leading him into the kitchen where Constance and Shannon were still sitting, looking at us curiously.
Jared sat down watching me make the cream with lime and chili then we both laughed when I poured some coffee into it.
"What the hell is that?" asked Shannon peaking at the bowl and I giggled. "Coffee?" he pulled a face.
"It's yummy, wanna try it?" Grinned Jared as I put some onto the ready toast and when Shannon took a bite from Jared's bread, he pulled a face.
"It's disgusting!" he pushed his tongue out and we all laughed. "How can you eat that?" he peered at Jared who chewed on it happily.
"It's made with love," he smiled at me and I chuckled shaking my head. "See, Mom, she can cook just what I need." Pointed out and Constance just nodded with a chuckle.
"Vegans have numb taste buds, leave him," I grinned, caressing Jared's hair out of his face as he ate satisfied and I peeked to Constance who just watched us with a gentle smile.