"I know this is not the time but what are your thoughts on us?" Dylan broke our five minute silence with those words. I wasn't expecting him to ask this and so it caught me off guard. I was so taken by surprise that I honestly didn't know what to say. Had I thought about this before? Of course. Had I pondered on what's my next move with Dylan? Definitely. But here I was completely unprepared despite thinking about this several times.
I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and took a deep breath before speaking. "I don't think I want to get into a relationship right now." I told him truthfully. I realised that during three months ago, I sort of slowly started feeling less for Dylan. He was my crush for years and God alone knew how many times I dreamt about Dylan asking me this very question. In my dreams however, I never answered with what I did just now.
Dylan looked disappointed. He looked down at his shoes, a frown finding its way on his lips. I didn't like the expression I was seeing on his face. He looked like I kicked him right where I knew it would hurt. I didn't want to continue to lead him on or made him think that we would date again because that would hurt him later down the road and I didn't want to see him hurt. So that's why I was doing this now. "Is it because of the thing with your parents? I can give you some time and we can continue where we left off when everything is back to normal."
"It's not that." I cut him off and he closed his eyes for a split second. "I just don't see myself dating soon. We're leaving for college in like a few months so it makes no sense to start something right now." I explained and he shifted, his brows furrowed.
"So that's what it is about? College?" He wasn't fully getting it and I was beginning to run out of words for a proper explanation. I understood that he had a crush on me for a long time and so did I, but things changed.
"It's not entirely about college, Dylan." I was getting a bit aggravated now. Just a bit. My head was killing me too so I was a tad bit snappy. He shrunk back and I sighed, lowering my voice. "I'm in a stage in life where I'm so confused." That was the truth. Everything was confusing. Especially my feelings. For instance, I really liked Dylan then I started liking Caspien too. I didn't exactly know how that happened and when it happened but it did, and it was damn confusing. "I need time for myself. I need time to focus on finals. So I'm sorry but I think we shouldn't date anymore." He was silent. I fiddled with the edge of my coat, nervously. I just wanted him to say something. I didn't want him to be mad or anything. I felt like this was the best choice to make. Especially to avoid hurting each other.
Complete truth was that I liked Caspien. A lot. I knew we would never be anything but at the same time I wouldn't dare treat Dylan as some kind of substitute. I was honest about wanting time for myself and my studies. That was the truth. My dating life would be non-existent until college.
"Okay. I understand." He finally answered and I relaxed. "Um, so no dating. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop caring for you or looking out for you." I smiled at him. How nice of him. You're probably saying, 'Lenna is so stupid and ungrateful. Why wouldn't she want a sweetheart like Dylan.' I knew, okay? "If you change your mind though, I'll be waiting." I didn't answer to that. Instead I gave a tight lipped smile then returned my gaze to the sky.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I returned to my room, Caspien was gone. I was half disappointed and half grateful for that. I went to bed right away.
The next morning, I found aunt Jackie in my kitchen making breakfast. To say I was surprised was an understatement. I didn't know the last time I saw aunt Jackie, much less talked to her over the phone. At one point in time, she went M.I.A on everyone. At least now some part of my soul could rest seeing that she was alive.
"Oh, you're up." She chirped as I entered the kitchen. She was making scrambled eggs and pancakes at the same time. My mouth opened then closed at seeing the kitchen island that had cereal, bacon, toast and milk on display.
"Did you bring your entire family here?" I asked, scratching my head. Why in the world did she prepare so much? "It's just the both of us. You don't have to prepare for twelve." I rolled my eyes, taking a strip of bacon.
"Well it's just lovely to see you too little niece." She said sarcastically and I ignored her. Aunt Jackie was a nice person. There was only one thing I hated about her the most and it was the fact that she always found the poorest excuses for Jason's mistakes.
"When did you get here? And how did you get in here?" I questioned randomly. She paused, looking over her shoulder at me with a smile.
"I came in like seven this morning. And as for your second question, it's simple. I picked the lock." She said it so casually that I had to do a double take.
"That's illegal."
"Relax. We're family so it's not entirely a crime. Besides it was an experiment. Why didn't you do a full lock down. I wouldn't have succeeded if you had just dead bolt the door and set the alarm." She was scolding me like she usually did. Apparently she didn't think mom did it enough. "Honey, you need to be more careful when you're home alone." For her information, I always dead bolted the door and set the alarm. I was a bit drunk last night and tired so I guess I was too lazy to do something that took like ten seconds. Sue me.
"I tried to wake you up. You gave me quite a fright for a while. Thought you were dead." She turned off the stove, carrying over a plate of eggs and pancakes.
I took the plate she handed me then sat at the island. "Yeah well, you've been M.I.A for like three years. Thought you were murdered or something." A laugh filled the room and I looked over at her.
"Honey, if I stayed in this country for one more day back then, I would have murdered myself."
"It's called suicide." I rolled my eyes as I placed a slice of pancake in my mouth. This was the kind of conversation aunt Jackie entertained with her niece. Mom never favoured us being on the phone for over ten minutes because she knew how aunt Jackie was.
"By saying that, it makes it sound so miserably tragic."
"That's because it is." I pointed out and she waved me off, biting into a piece of bacon at the same time.
"Anyway, I was kind of living on this really cool paradise island in the middle of nowhere operated by this weird Arawak couple. There's no reception out there so that's why you couldn't reach me. It's so cute that you were worried about me." She was talking so fast, I was barely keeping up.
"No that was mom. Lauren worries about everyone but herself." Aunt Jackie gave me a look and I shrugged. She then shook her head with an amused smile.
"You are a heartless monster. How dare you not worry about your aunt Jackie." She joked and I ripped the bread in half to inspect it.
"I think you're confusing me with your jackass of a brother." I shot back and she slammed her hand down on the table. She caught me off guard so I jolted a little before meeting her very serious stare.
"Lenna, that was rude and not okay." She scolded and I stood up.
"You know what else is not okay? Him ignoring his family for months. Him cheating on his wife and walking around in Canada with a family that's not his to take care of. That, is what's not okay." My voice rose at her. I turned on my heels to leave but she stopped me.
"Lenna, wait." You know what annoyed me the most? The fact that she was pretending that everything was okay. That she could show up here and grin like all of this wasn't tearing mom and I apart. I guess it wasn't something new. She always defended Jason no matter how terrible his shitty behaviour was.
"What?" I asked, turning to face her. Despite the somewhat lightness to our conversation earlier, I was now serious. I swore if Jason sent her here to somehow pacify the situation then she might as well gave up now.
It was to my disbelief that I turned around to face the tear filled eyes of aunt Jackie. She was looking at me with the saddest expression ever. "I didn't know." I frowned. She didn't? "How could he do that to you guys? I understand if he wanted a divorce but how could he move on to a next family before that?" She was actually crying. I walked up next to her, pulling her into a hug. "You guys must be hurting so much." I patted her head awkwardly for the the next five minutes or so. After crying my eyes out last night and scolding my own self, I was no longer blaming myself. I realised that there was just some things that happened for a reason.
On my way back to the house last night after talking to Dylan, I realised something. I never did tell Asha about Carmen's secret. It was funny how that came back to me in my half drunken state.
""Why don't we talk about that secret of hers?" Asha implied and I frowned.
"Really?" I asked. I then raised my hand in defence and replied with an 'okay okay.'
Asha then moved on to tell me to start talking. Even though I was drunk, I wasn't stupid. I knew that I shouldn't say anything about it seeing that I promised Carmen and it was her personal matters. It wasn't my secret to tell. "Wait. You don't actually think I'll tell you, right?" I laughed in that moment, stumbling a bit. "Sorry Asha but no. Snitches are bitches who turns out to get stitches where it most itches and in the long run ends up with no riches. And I want to be rich, okay?" I replied stupidly. She was furious. That much I could have seen through my drunkenness. "Don't look so upset Ash, let's go have more beer." I grinned while nodding.
So basically that's what happened. That bit of information was a bit blurry over the years so I always somehow blamed myself for Carmen's misery when in reality, I had nothing to do with it. This was why sometimes it wasn't good to beat yourself up for years over something that happened in the past because then you ended up living your entire life in such misery and hatred to yourself that you forgot to live.
My point was, all of this happened for a reason. If it didn't happen, I wouldn't have noticed how little Carmen thought of me. She was quick to jump against me and blame me for all instead of believing me. Her friend whom she claimed to trust. Lesson learnt: Not everyone trust you as they made you think. In life, friends would go against you in the moment you wanted them to believe you the most. Carmen didn't even give me a chance to explain.
Things happen for a reason. If I didn't call Asha out on copying my math homework at last minute all the time and ruining her future, I wouldn't have found out how much she hated me. I thought we were friends but apparently I believed a lie. It took one trivial argument for her to go all Regina George on me. Suddenly she wanted to ruin my life after telling her to stop copying my math homework. It seemed to me she was waiting for a moment for me to 'screw up' so that she could drop her 'I'm the nice friend act.' Lesson Learnt: There are and will always be fake friends. They would stab you in the back and kick you when you're down. Asha never considered me her friend.
Things happen for a reason. My mom and I didn't have the best relationship after Liam left. Now after everything that happened we were better than ever. We appreciated each other more. We realised that having each other should be the most important thing in our lives. This obstacle made our bond stronger. It made our need for each other's comfort and support stronger. We only had each other now. Lesson learnt: What doesn't kill you make you stronger. Mom and I's bond would be unbreakable after this.
Things happen for a reason. Dad divorcing mom. So I was not even going to look too much into this one because well...there wasn't much to say and I kind of didn't care? Now mom didn't have to cry all night because he hurt her or whatever. She didn't have to deal with a man who cheated on his wife and ran off with another family. Lesson learnt: You just don't need certain people in your life. Negativity, neglect, ungratefulness, lying, pretending. You don't need these kind of people with characteristics like that in your life. Trust me, you're better of without them. Damn, I didn't think that I would have this much to say.
Things happen for a reason. I questioned myself and Caspien so much last night on why they chose to help me. The thing was, Caspien coming here to help me was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. He had been by my side so much throughout the storm that because of him, I longed for the sunlight. I didn't think I would make it throughout half of these struggles without being emotionally damaged if it wasn't for his support. So, I didn't know why The Society chose me, but I was glad they did. Lesson learnt: If there's a person who wants to be there for you in life, let them. Sometimes having someone by your side made it the slightest bit bearable and made you the tinniest bit braver and stronger.
All things happened for a reason because underneath them held lessons. You just had to dig through the dark to find the bright side which wasn't always easy. Some of us were unfortunate enough to get dragged through hell first before we could see even a slither of hope of that brighter side.
Aunt Jackie ran out to get groceries two hours ago and I was kind of starting to worry. The grocery store was like ten minutes away by walking and she went by car. I didn't understand why she was taking so long to buy a few groceries. I knew she was an adult and probably made a detour somewhere else but I also knew aunt Jackie. She always got herself into impossible situations.
As if on cue, the front door opened and I stood from the couch and turned off the TV. The person who emerged from the doorway was not who I expected. "Mom?" Wasn't she supposed to spend three more days in the hospital? I was scheduled to pick her up three days from now. I did not mess up the dates. Right?
"I bet you miss me even though it's been like two days since your visit." I was going to visit her today with aunt Jackie.
Aunt Jackie came in with a grin and I narrowed my eyes at her. She placed the grocery bags on the floor and mom slowly made her way to the couch. "The doctor said that there wasn't any serious injuries after her observation two days ago and that she was recovering well. So, why not bring her home." I nodded slowly, eyeing the white bandage still wrapped around mom's head. She leaned back on the sofa, tilting her head back to rest on it.
"Mom, do you want some water or something." She nodded and I scurried off towards the kitchen to fetch a bottled water and orange juice. When I got back, she wasn't on the sofa and aunt Jackie was nowhere to be seen. My eyebrows furrowed as I made my way upstairs and towards her room. Indeed she was in her room, laying on the bed with aunt Jackie pulling a blanket over her.
They both glanced over at me when I entered. I placed the juice and water on her desk and she thanked me. She looked sleepy. "Mom, are you okay?" I asked worriedly. At least she looked better than she did in the hospital. She got her colour back and was no longer pale. She didn't have that, 'when do I leave this place' look on her face. She was however, still a bit thin.
"I'm fine honey. Just a bit tired and the medication make me drowsy." I nodded and aunt Jackie placed a hand on my shoulder while giving me a reassuring look.
"She'll be fine. If you want anything you'll ring the bell here and we'll be here right away." She pointed to a bell on the desk. After ensuring that mom was comfortable, aunt Jackie and I headed downstairs. She quickly pulled me towards the sofa with this glint in her eyes. "Talk to aunt Jackie. I miss those little cute conversations we had." She pushed down on my shoulders so that I could sit then she sat across from me. She then took a soda from the glass coffee table. "What about that cute boy you always had a crush on. Tell me about him. Delon?"
I snorted, opening a can of soda myself. "Dylan." I corrected and she smiled widely.
"Yes him. Dylan. Is he your boyfriend now?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and I shook my head, grinning at how enthusiastic and interested she looked.
"No, he's not. We dated for a while but it didn't work out in the end." She scooted forward on the sofa, leaning closer to me.
"Oh god no. Please tell me you're not single." My mouth opened then closed. She said it like it was the most preposterous thing that could ever happen.
"Didn't mean to let you down there but I am." I answered sarcastically and she sighed, face palming herself.
"You're going to be like one of those cliched chicks in movies that has all her first in college." Her nose scrunched up comically and I tried defending myself.
"I have had a boyfriend before."
"Ethan Taylor does not count. You guys were like twelve and you broke up with him after two hours because he didn't like anything with chocolate." She reminded me and I was beginning to regret telling her anything.
"What human being can just sit there and say, 'I don't like anything chocolate' and think it was okay to say such a thing." Aunt Jackie laughed loudly, her eyes scrunching up at the sides. I always liked hearing her laugh. I laughed along with her. When I caught my breath, I added in, "I don't know why I thought it was okay for me to tell you all of this when I was younger." Back then, we spent hours talking about high school and everything that happened in my day.
She flipped her hair over her shoulder with a smug look. "Because I'm your coolest and most favourite aunt. And your mother told your father everything so that was not an option."
"You're my only aunt." I pointed out and she grinned. She was Jason's little sister. My mom was an only child so I had no aunts and uncles on her side. My phone started vibrating on the coffee table and I quickly looked at the caller ID that read Dylan's name.
"You can answer it." My aunt gave me permission but I shook my head. I was sure it wasn't too important. I would call him back soon. The phone rang out.
"It's fine. I'll call him back soon." I told her and she nodded hesitantly. My phone started buzzing again and I took a deep breath, my eyes finding the phone display lit up screen. Caspien. It read Caspien. Before I could even think about what I was doing, my hand reached out for the phone and accepted the call. I brought it up to my ear, walked out of the living room and aunt Jackie gave me a look. "Caspien? Where are you?"
"I'm back at my place. I came earlier but your aunt Jackie was home." My heart was racing for no reason. Actually, there was a reason but I'd like to pretend that's not true.
"Oh." Was my only answer.
"I'm just calling to ask if you're okay from last night."
"I should be the one asking you that. You didn't seem too happy last night." He remained silent so I continued. "I'm fine. Don't worry. My mom was discharged so now she's home."
"Yeah, I know. When I visited earlier, I saw her leaving." A grin formed on my face. Did he just say he visited my mom this morning.
"You visited my mom this morning? That was sweet of you." I could almost picture him rolling his eyes on the other end of the phone. I bet he hated being called sweet.
"Go talk to your aunt Jackie." He ignored my previous comment and I smirked. I knew he didn't like being called sweet.
"How do you know I'm talking to aunt Jackie?" I asked, incredulously.
"You used to do it a lot when you were around 12, 13." Sometimes I forgot Caspien had some kind of VIP pass to my memories. It crept me out sometimes.
"What specifically do you see in my head? I'm curious." I asked, peeking into the living room at my aunt who was now scrolling through her own phone.
"What specifically do you not want me to see in your head?" I could imagine a smirk spreading across his face right now. My cheeks heated and my heart started beating a little faster. "I'm curious to know as well." I chewed on my lips as I thought about a way out of this.
"There are certain things that are private, Caspien. Know your boundaries." I warned, trying to sound unfazed.
"Do dreams count as private?" Caspien asked and I knew he wanted me to get uncomfortable. Well, he succeeded.
"What?!" My eyes widened as I glanced back at aunt Jackie to see her looking my way. I opened the front door, heading onto the porch to have the rest of the conversation.
How many times now did I dream about Caspien? Too much to count. Way too much.
"Whoops. Are you that insecure about your dreams?" There was a gentle laugh on his part. "In fact, I know what you dreamt last night." Shit, no. My palms were getting sweaty now.
"Caspien." I warned with gritted teeth.
"It was really a sight to see."
"Caspien, I'm warning you." I was really nervous. Caspien did appear in my dreams last night. And yes, making out for ten seconds with him in my dreams was surely a sight to see.
"You dreamt of me, didn't you?" His voice was now soft and the playfulness from earlier was not present. He didn't sound angry or completely serious though. He sounded like he already knew that I did and wanted to hear it from me.
I remained silent. My heart was beating quicker by the second. If Caspien found out I liked him, I would be in trouble. Why in the world did The Society sent someone as good looking and caring as Caspien? They knew we had eyes, right? It was nearly impossible to not fall for Caspien. Or at least trip a few times. "Caspien..." I started but he cut me off.
"Don't worry. I don't know the exact details but I know I popped up in there at some point." My grip on the phone loosened as I slowly started to relax. "Usually dreams aren't clear to us. It blurs too much between reality and fantasy. Your memories are real so we see that clearly as opposed to dreams which are sometimes influenced by reality but nonetheless unreal." Me getting to be with you was surely a fantasy. Sigh.
"Well that's really satisfying to hear." I admitted.
"Which part? That I don't know what role I played in your dreams or the fact that I don't see dreams clearly?" He asked. "Because if it's the former then I'm really curious to know now." I remained silent.
"My aunt is waiting. I should go." I ended the call quickly. As I leaned against the door, I thought about it. Caspien knew something. There was something he wasn't telling me and it was bothering me. He was way too 'curious' as he himself put it.
I quickly dialed Dylan's number and brought the phone to my ear. Might as well find out what Dylan wanted earlier.
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