Bucky didn't sleep that night. Not even when Tchalla held him close, rubbing his back. He just couldn't. Every time he fluttered his eyes shut, all he could hear was the sound of the pistol firing, all he could see was Steve's face, hands cupping his own as he tried to calm Bucky down.
"Hey hey, it's just me, shh shh." Steve had soothed, bringing Bucky in close to him. "It's just me, calm down. You're okay. I'm here."
Steve had taken him to his small cottage in the woods, wrapping a blanket around him and wiping his tears. He was so kind, holding Bucky close as he sobbed and apologised.
Bucky couldn't believe that someone who seemed like such an asshole, could be so comforting, so sweet. So... perfect.
And the fact that he had given Bucky his number to call or text him whenever he was in a bad place once again. Bucky sighed, cuddling in closer to Tchalla's muscular chest. How could he have been so stupid to give in so easily?
He heard a deep exhale come from the man he was snuggled into as he began to stir awake, causing Bucky to remove his head from hiding against Tchalla's chest to look up at him.
"Hey," Tchalla whispered softly, running a gentle hand through Bucky's wild locks. "How long have you been awake?"
Bucky shrugged, laying his head back down and enjoying the gentle strokes being made in his hair. "Not long." He lied. "Maybe five minutes?"
"Bucky.." Tchalla's voice was hoarse as he spoke. "Don't lie to me. Did you get any sleep last night?"
He gave a sigh but shook his head, no. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologising? You had a very.. hard night last night, I'm not expecting you to say you had an amazing sleep. I'm just a little concerned you didn't wake me and ask me to stay up with you."
"I didn't wanna be a bother."
"You aren't a bother, sure I would've been a bit, groggy and seemingly annoyed cause I'm like that in the morning, but I still would've stayed up with you." Tchalla said, gently kissing Bucky's temple as he sat up and brought the other up with him. Old habit Bucky tries to tell himself.
"I'm sorry.. for last night. I don't- I don't know what came over me.. it just.. got really bad inside my head and I'm sorry I dragged you into all of it, you shouldn't have to deal with my stupid shit.." Bucky muttered, pulling away from the embrace and dangling his legs over the side of his bed.
"Bucky." The other spoke sternly, "you don't need to apologise. What happened last night, that wasn't you. That was a voice inside your head telling you to do it. And I want to deal with your shit, you used to always deal with mine, and now it's my turn. I want to be that person you can come to whenever you need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on."
"Thanks... I appreciate it. But shouldn't you be getting out of here and to school? It's almost 7.." he mumbled, trying to get away from the conversation.
"Oh shit!"
Tchalla knew exactly what Bucky was doing, but he understood why and decided to go along with it.
"I'll see you later?"
"Yeah." Bucky whispered.
"Okay. Please, talk to your dad buck, he deserves to know."
Without another word, Tchalla snuck out of the boys window and ran towards his car, going unnoticed by tony and his workers.
Bucky gave a loud sigh, falling onto his bed with his hand over his eyes. He felt like an absolute asshole. How dare he drag Tchalla all the way out here just to look after him? Especially on a school night.
My god was he a fucking pain.
"Bucky!?" Tony suddenly called, knocking gently at his door. "Time to get up and ready! You're going to school."
Bucky shot up on his bed, eyes blown wide. He can't go to school. He can't!
"Dad no- I can't!" He cried, opening his door. "I can't."
"Bucky." Tony sighed. "You have to go back. You've missed far too much and the school thinks that you should come back too. But if it gets too much for you, just call me and I'll come get you, Okay?"
"Dad please no! I can't- I'm not ready!"
Bucky wasn't lying. He needed just one more day to himself. One more day so that he could wrap his head around everything that had happened last night.
"No Bucky, you're going to school today. End of story. Hurry and get changed, Nat will be here soon to pick you up."
And with that, tony left the room and went into the kitchen, leaving Bucky standing in the doorway gawking.
"Oh God."
*********
The moment Bucky stepped foot into his school, he wanted to run. Yet, he couldn't. Natasha was standing right next to him, holding his hand to which she gave a reassuring squeeze as she tried to get him to move.
The entire school had stopped whatever they were doing, the air so silent you could hear a pin drop. Everyone was looking, pointing, gawking and whispering to one another, giving slight looks of sympathy.
Bucky gritted his teeth and bowed his head, eyes stinging from the unshed tears as he allowed himself to be pulled towards his locker by his friend. "You can do it Buck, just ignore them." Natasha whispered gently, sending glares to the pointing students. "They won't be doing this for long."
Bucky didn't say a word. Not when he was greeted by his friends at his locker, not when they assisted him on collecting the needed books for the day and slipping them into his bag, not when he was given small 'welcome backs' by passing students, he didn't even acknowledge his teachers.
He didn't want to be there.
His heart was seemingly racing in his chest to the point he could hear it in his ears, the tears were welling up stronger by the second at the constant looks and points at his nub of an arm, and Bucky couldn't take it.
But he had too.
He just.. had too.
"So.." Bruce mumbled awkwardly, "how did everyone spend the rest of their weekends?"
'Homework' was the main response, the group staring at Bucky and awaiting his response. "Hm? Oh um.. sleep." He told them, leaning against his locker.
They nodded, adverting their gazed towards a familiar figure walking at a fast pace towards them, a look of confusion sketched into the features of his face.
"Bucky?" Tchalla questioned. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming to school? I could've given you a ride."
"I didn't know I was coming in." Bucky admitted, leaning into the tallers embrace. "Dad made me after you left."
"Wait a second.." Natasha cut in, "you were at Bucky's last night?"
"Uh yes.. he didn't tell you?"
"Tell us what?" Bruce questioned, confused.
"That he-
Bucky was quick to act, slamming his hand over Tchalla's mouth and sending him a dirty glare before uttering, "I invited him over so we could hangout... just us.."
Natasha nodded. She was unconvinced, but decided not to question it. "What kind of alone time.. hm?" She teased. Bucky gave a small sigh of relief.
"Um-
Bucky was soon cut off by a familiar bright blonde headed boy, slinging his arm around Tchalla's shoulders, "sex, love. That's alone time." Pietro announced proudly.
Tchalla lurched forward in fright. Slapping his friend behind the head, he began to hiss profanity's at him. Pietro only laughed, the blush tinting Bucky's cheeks growing darker by the second.
"I knew it!" Natasha joined in on the joke. "I called it! I told you this would happen!"
Bucky gave a fake laugh, bowing his head toward the dirty tile floors and unhooked himself from Tchalla's gentle hold. Tchalla gave a look of confusion, reaching his arms out to reclaim Bucky in the hug, only to have the boy move away. "I- I gotta go to class.." He muttered, pushing past the small circle his friends had created around him and began to walk away.
Tchalla gave a nervous smile toward the group. He ran after the boy, holding the straps of his bag to make sure that nothing would fall out, and stopped in front of him. "Buck?" He questioned. The boy didn't raise his head. "Buck, what's wrong? It was only a silly joke. We're not back together."
"I know that." Bucky whispered, sucking his lower lip between his perfect teeth. "it wasn't the joke. Why were you gonna tell them about last night? They don't need to know! It's my choice whether I tell them or not." He has raised his hand during his small rant, placing it against his temple. The movement allowed his short sleeved shirt to ride up, uncovering the small stub that was left.
Bucky ignored the gasps from students, his only focus on the man before him. "Well?!" He growled. Tchalla blinked, slightly taken aback by the boys tone.
"I'm sorry- I didn't know that you hadn't told them." Tchalla admitted. Bucky scoffed, rolling his eyes.
"Like hell you didn't. If they had known, they wouldn't have been so high spirited and laughing. So of course I didn't tell them! They don't need to know."
"Okay, I'm sorry!" The other exclaimed. "Why are you so mad? it was a simple slip up!"
"Because you know how much I hate making them upset, cause that's all I've been doing lately! Nat hasn't cried in months and she's weeping over the fact that I was dumb enough to pick up a dead mouse with my arm no longer bandaged!" Bucky shouted. Tears welled up in his eyes once again. "So please, don't mention it. And please don't follow me to class.. I need to be alone."
Tchalla could only nod, lips in a line as he grabbed at his straps once more and walked back to the worried group of friends, head down. Bucky groaned. "Fucking hell."
He made his way quietly into his English classroom, taking a seat at the back of the class and away from his friends. Natasha and Bruce gave him looks of confusion. What was he doing? Was he mad or something?
"Buck?" Natasha asked. She strided towards him, red hair bouncing slightly. "Why aren't you sitting with us?"
Bucky lifted his head. He gave a soft sigh. "I just- I wanna be alone.."
"But won't it be best if you sit with us? People might-
"Please.." Bucky begged. "I wanna be alone."
She gave him a nod, turning on her heel before walking back over to Bruce. Bucky could hear their whispering. Could see their worried glances. He only sighed and placed his chin against his hand.
The two were interrupted by the bell piercing through the air. They took their seats, sending one last worried glance Bucky's way. Bucky ignored them and looked ahead, awaiting the teachers arrival.
Loud and obnoxious students soon entered the English room, cutting silent at the sight of Bucky sitting at the back of the class. It was filled with whispers and points in a matter of seconds, Bucky's heart hammering in his ears at the attention.
His teacher soon hissed at them all to take a seat, beginning to write today's lesson on the board. "Good morning class." He boasted, placing down the whiteboard marker. "And welcome back, James. I hope you are doing well and adjusting.. alright."
Bucky nodded, casting his eyes down toward his desk to ignore the stares of his pupils. "Y-yes sir." He stammered, dragging his teeth against his lower lip.
"Good. Everyone, your principal would like you to make James feel welcomed once again for he has been gone for quite some time, and would like you to treat him the same before his.. accident."
Bucky winced. The students eyes burned holes in his skin as he refused to look up at them, sinking his nails deep into the palm of his hand.
Of course they were fucking looking. He looked disgusting. Like a monster.
"He looks so skinny." He heard someone hiss.
"Do you know how it happened?"
"Why does he look so heartbroken? It's just an arm.. right?"
"Silence!" The teacher yelled, slamming his hand down onto a desk before him. "There is no need for that! How rude and vial of you! Open your books and copy the title into your books. Now!"
Bucky would've thanked his teacher for the outburst if it did not fill him with guilt and disgust. He ran his hand through his hair before slamming his hand down and standing up from his seat. Flinging his bag over his shoulder, Bucky ran out of the classroom, heart rate once again skyrocketing to a fast pace. All the stares, the whispers of disgust and disbelief, the stupid points. Unanswered questions, silence.
It made Bucky feel sick.
Bucky ran straight past his next classes, going to the boys bathrooms. The hammering in his chest hadn't died down and he was beginning to feel as if he would throw up.
The nausea clawed at his raw throat, and he tried to force down the bile, managing to make it inside of the bathrooms just in time. He slammed into one of the stalls, dropping to his knees and emptying his slim stomach into the toilet.
Bucky coughed and heaved, lurching forward as his body shook fiercely at the impact. Tears sprung to his stinging eyes. Sweat coated his hot skin. His face was blown white and he lurched forward once again, the pungent stench invading his nostrils as he heaved, listening to the contents of his stomach being emptied once again.
Why was this happening? Was he sick.. no. Was he.. dizzy? Slightly. But why? That's the only question that seemed to ring in the boys ears. Why me? Why now? Why does everyone hate me? why am I such a fuck up? Why am I vomiting?
Why was he? All that had happened was stares and whispers in class. Did that make him sick? Can that make you sick? Bucky didn't know. All he knew was that he never wanted to go to school again.
Once his stomach had calmed down and his throat was red and sore and throbbing, Bucky wiped around his mouth with some toilet paper and flushed the bile away. He sunk back down to the floor, back pressed up against the wall of the stall. He looked up at the ceiling, tears streaming down his cheeks as he breathed deeply and heavily, heart still pounding in his ears.
Bucky reached into his back pocket, pulling out his phone to call Tony. He wanted- no. He needed to be picked up. Now. But as he looked down at his phone, Bucky's eyes widened at the recent message on the bright screen.
Hey, kid. I just thought I'd text and make sure you were alright from last night and that you got some sleep. But if not, call or message me whenever and I'll come and get you or check up on you or just talk to you and help you, Okay? but if you still hate me for what I did to you and want nothing to do with me, that is perfectly fine. I completely understand. ~ Steve
Seemingly forgetting about his dad, Bucky unlocked his phone and went onto Steve's contact. He hit the call icon and pressed the phone to his ear, mumbling 'please pick up.' Under his breath.
"Bucky?" Steve's voice rung out after the third beep, concern and shock laced through it. "Are you okay?"
Bucky breathed out shakily, leaning his head against the wall of the stall once more before croaking out to the older. "St-Steve.."
"Yes Bucky? It's me, what's wrong?"
"I- I- I cant do it.." he whimpered. "I- I can't."
"You can't do what, love?"
"B-be here. Th-the stares... wh-whispers.. I c-can't."
"Where are you, Bucky?" Steve questioned, the sound of keys dangling being heard from the other line. "Where are you?"
"Sc-school." The teen whispered, sniffling and biting at his lower lip. "Pl-please come g-get me.."
"I will. I'll be awhile, but can you wait, doll? I'll try and be as fast as I can."
"Y-Yeah... I c-can."
"Okay." Steve cooed, voice soft and calming. "I'll text you when I get here, Okay?"
"I- Okay.." Bucky agreed.
"Okay. I'll see you soon, hang tight."
The line cut and Bucky sighed. His eyes widened at the thought of what he just did. He called Steve.
**********
The buzz of his phone that was clutched between his fingers allowed Bucky to know that Steve was there to collect him. He shakily got up from his seat on the floor, leaning up against the wall to make sure he was steady on his feet.
Taking in a deep breath, Bucky grabbed ahold of the strap of his bag and quietly made his way out to the school carpark, keeping clear of any students or teachers. He made it without being caught, slowly walking down the stairs. Bucky looked out across the concrete grounds, seeing the silhouette of the blonde haired man waving to him, standing beside a motorbike.
Bucky fell into Steve's outstretched arms, beginning to weep into his chest once again. Steve held him tight, placing his chin gently atop the crown of the youngers head and hushed him quietly. "It's okay, Buck." He cooed, voice soft. "I've got you.
Bucky clutched tightly at Steve's shirt, hiding his face further into the toned chest and whimpered, "I-I'm Sorry.."
"It's okay, Buck. I told you that I'm here for you. so where do you wanna go?"
"The library." Bucky mumbled, shifting his head to the side to make his voice slightly more audible. "It's quiet there."
Steve nodded, placing his helmet atop Bucky's head before climbing onto the motorbike. He helped Bucky climb on, smiling to himself as the younger wrapped his arm tightly round his middle and rested his head on his back.
"You ready?"
Bucky nodded. "Yeah.."
Steve turned the key, kicking the stand away before driving off down the street. Bucky yelped, nuzzling his face into the others back in fear and gripped a fist full of Steve's shirt in his hand.
Once they had arrived at the library and had situated themselves at a hidden corner, Steve leaned forward in his seat. Bucky looked up from his hand that was clasping his knee, feeling of the others hand being gently placed on his, breath slightly quickening at the warmth that surrounded him.
"Buck.. is everything okay? You haven't said a word since we got here.." Steve questioned, swiping his thumb gently over the top of the youngers knuckles.
"No.." Bucky whispered, nibbling his lower lip. It was becoming a habit. "I.."
"What is it, doll? You can tell me."
He took in a deep breath, eyes flickering around all of the shelves of books before settling once again on Steve's face. "E-everyone was staring.. like I was some.. some monster.." Bucky explained, digging his nails into his knee. Steve caught sight of it and gently tugged the boys hand away, enveloping it in his own.
"You're not a monster, Buck." Steve said softly, tucking strands of the boys hair behind his ears. "You're anything but a monster."
"It didn't feel like that."
"What'd you mean?"
"It didn't feel like I wasn't a monster. I felt.. hideous.. disgusted.. I- I didn't wanna be there." Bucky breathed, holding on tightly to Steve's large hand.
"Bucky," Steve said sternly. "You're not hideous nor are you disgusting. You're beautiful."
"That doesn't change how I feel. Complimenting me and telling me that I'm not something that I think I am doesn't help me.. Steve. Cause I know you're only saying that to be nice and to.. to make this go faster because you probably have better things to do then sit here with a stupid kid belittling himself."
"Bucky, listen to me. I'm here because I want to be here. You need me, whether it's just for me to listen or just for some support or a shoulder to cry on, I'm here right now for that. I don't care how long this takes. You need me right here right now. So please stop spitting such vial things about yourself, even though right now you can't see your beauty because you've changed so drastically in the past few months, doesn't mean that the others around you can't."
"I- I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I'm sorry.." Bucky whispered, letting go of Steve's hand to wipe away his tears. "I'm sorry.."
"Why are you apologising, Buck?"
"I.. I don't know.. i.. what's wrong with me Steve? Why am I like this?"
Steve sighed, brushing his thumb gently across Bucky's lip as he cupped his chin. "There's nothing wrong with you, Bucky. It's called grief and depression. And the best way to deal with it is by not ignoring it, but talking to others. Just like you're talking to me right now."
Bucky leaned into the touch. "W-will it ever go away?" He asked, eyes glistening over with tears.
"I don't know. and that's okay to not know. You just have to focus on yourself, okay?"
"Okay.."
*****************
~ Maddi❤️