LOVE DOESN’T EXIST
It was a blistering and intense afternoon while we’re in the class. My irksome professor, who was always hailing to the glory of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, is again uncontrollably adores his world of mirage while I, myself is looking outside the wonderful garden we have for decades ‘cause it’s much better to look at rather than my old orthodox professor. I don’t understand why people love that story so much. Why can’t they grasp the idea that there’s more to life than love. It’s just a mere emotion that us humans feel for us to be able to reproduce and appreciate each other’s existence. That’s all. Sometimes it’s ridiculous to think that humans think of themselves as different specie. That they fell for love just for the first time, or let’s say develop special feelings for someone they know for a very long time. Then they’ll feel the compatibility of their lives, as if they were born to love each other for the rest of their lives. They can’t eat, sleep and focus to whatever they were doing. They were somewhat disturbed with the feeling they were never used to feel before or again. Get married, have kids, then one day they’ll realize that they grew tired of each other and get divorced.
“If love may exist, it’s not about two persons are in love with each other. It does not mean that they are couples to be classified as “in-love”. For love does not depend on the physical proximity between two persons or the commitment to look for another partner while there is an existing relationship. Love is not limited to the possession by one of the other, it means the ability to offer oneself to the one loved though there is not a bind that exists between the two. Love does not depend on the physical union of the people in-love but on the willingness of two persons to offer themselves to each other.” Therefore, if there’s noting to offer to anybody anymore, then there’s no love. That’s how I understand these lines, which I read from one of my Philosophy books. Love will always lead to tragedy, just like my irksome professor is bustling about, the Romeo and Juliet. No matter how hard you do just to find eternal love, you’ll never find it. It will always be an enigma that is so difficult to solve. It’ll be forever a deception that humans will never, ever realize or even accept. Just like my dad, an everlasting slave of his “undying” love for mom.
I was even a former believer of love. When I was little, I really adore fairy-tales with happy endings and eternal love of the princes and princesses. The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Cinderella, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, name it, I’ve watched almost all of the fictional stories or dad would have read it for me when I go to sleep. Apart from those stories, there’s a story that I love the most. It was my mom and dad’s fairy tale.
Every night, before I go to sleep, he tells me their story. Mom was just high school when he met dad, while dad was in college. Mom’s a sophomore in high school while dad’s a junior in college. It was a rainy season when they met each other. Dad forgot his umbrella at home. It was really late thus he needs to get home soon. After a few minutes, he saw this young lady wearing a beige blouse with ruffles below the collar and a brown skirt. She has an umbrella so my dad asked if it’s alright to share it with her and the young lady nod her head. It was very dark that dad can’t visualize her face thoroughly. Only her smile was the only thing he can see. For him, it was the sweetest smile he had ever seen. He chatted with her ‘til they reached the bus stop. There, finally, he saw the young lady. She has a very fair skin, like porcelain, chestnut brown hair with big, bouncy curls and big tantalizing gray eyes. For him, mom was Aphrodite. It was, as if he was being fooled by his own eyes. Mom at the same time was thunderstruck when she saw dad. He was wearing a polo matched with a red vest and gray pants. He has a dirty blonde hair fixed neatly in a beret hat and somnolent amethyst eyes. Time stopped when they saw each other.
From that day forth, dad can’t help himself not to get a single glimpse of mom’s face for a day. Mom felt the same. They meet after their class every single day. At weekends, mom even runs away from home without gramps noticing her. Dad did the same. They always went to their special place, the Brandywine creek. As dad described it, it was paradise.
The gate was so big and designed in an abstract art that is very pleasing to any body that sees. When you enter the park, the trees are so tall and big. They are also very stunning. Flowers are scattered around the ground. Fuchsia pink, periwinkle, lilacs and yellow were the colors that will serve as a rainbow inside the park. The benches are well-carved and designed for couples that would like to share their sweet moments together. When you walk a little further, you’ll witness the breathtaking Brandywine Creek. The crystal clear and sparkling water is so astonishing. Time is endless if you’re in this seventh heaven. If you stayed until nightfall, you’ll see that the sky was the sea of stars. Shining and glittering before your naked eyes. As I visualize it in my mind, I just can’t wait for me to be there myself.
Until one day, gramps caught them there. He was so furious, he hit dad so hard in the face and held mom’s hand and took her away from dad. Mom and dad didn’t saw each other for several weeks since then. They both felt that they were dying without in each other’s arms. Dad can’t take the torment anymore. He needs to see her, to be with her. So he decided to go at mom’s place one late night; he cautiously got inside without the security noticing him. He climbed inside mom’s bedroom. She was sleeping when he got there. He woke her up by hugging her so tight and kissing her vulnerably. Mom was so surprised but then takes pleasure in kissing him back. Then dad asked her to elope with him, mom didn’t second thought. She agreed and they run away with just their intense love with each other.
They lived with each other for several years. Both of them are from rich families that’s why they needed to adjust in the new life they’ve chose. For this reason, dad worked so hard for mom. He gave everything he can just for her. He gave her jewelries, allows her to attend parties with her friends, he gave her the life she was used to. He doesn’t want mom to suffer or not be happy with him. He endured the entire burden, but it’s still worth it. He had her, that’s what is important for him. Nothing else matters, if he’ll wish for something more, it will be having a child of their own.
Years after, I was born. They were both so happy when they held me for the first time. Dad said that I had mom’s eyes and her beautiful hair, while the only thing that I got from him is his complexion. Even that’s the case, he didn’t bother. As a matter of fact, it is somewhat been a favor for him. To have a child, to look exactly as the woman she loved more than anything else. He felt so complete and contented in life and will do everything possible for his family. He even worked harder for us but mom just got unhappy with her life. She’s searching for something that she doesn’t know. Though dad did anything possible just to please her, it’s still not enough.
Then my 10th birthday came, and dad threw me a party. Of course, Nathaniel was there and my other friends. Even mom and dad’s friends were there. Dad’s co-worker, Harriet Lowell, introduced him to mom. He was taller than dad, had a well-built body, and had green glistening eyes. Mom was kind of different when they were introduced. As I look at her, she was so bewildered and can’t believe of what she’s seeing that time. She can’t take her eyes away from that guy. It was kind of strange actually. I’ve never seen her like that before. The whole day, they were just talking. Mom even laughed so hard for the very first time. Dad didn’t mind it that much. He listened to it as if it was a melody in his ears. Mom was really acting strange. I was really bothered as I watched her with that man. I felt jealous for dad. Mom’s flirting with that guy, that’s what I thought.
After a while, Harriet noticed me looking at them. He looked at me very fiercely. He was smiling at me. A smile of an evil person, that’s what, came to me. It made my blood boil. I went to dad and asked him to get a hold of mom and take her away from him. Dad just smiled at me and told me not to worry. I was annoyed, why won’t dad listen to me! He’s not a good person! Mr. Harriet was a good man and mom is just enjoying her time with him, that’s what he told me. I trusted my dad so much so I just listened to him and enjoyed my day.
Days passed, mom always went out. I barely see her at home. When I ask her where she goes, she just told me that it was a figment of her imagination made reality. One day, I will understand what it was. Time will come and she will explain everything to me, she told me. It confused me a little. I grew up that the only paradise she knew, and dad knew, was Brandywine Creek. It’s a hard to picture other wonderful place when all I became aware of are dad’s stories.
I followed her one sunny day; I tried not getting myself caught. As usual, she hummed songs that I’m not familiar of. She was very jolly walking around the city until she reached her destination, Brandywine Creek. Figment of her imagination made reality; it was still the same place all along. I didn’t bother to follow her anymore. I thought that maybe she was planning something special for dad. Their 11th anniversary will be soon to come. I don’t want to ruin the surprise so I decided to get home.
Until one day, when I got home from Nathan’s house, I saw dad crying feebly and hugged me so tight that I can’t breathe. I asked him what happened then he just showed me a note
“Dear Lyndon,
I’m really sad and sorry for this but I guess this is for the best. I’ll be no longer staying there with you and Chelsea. I don’t know what happened but all I know is I fell in love with Harriet. All I’m looking for in life is with him. I know you did your best for us but it’s still not enough to make me happy and satisfied. Please forgive me for doing this to you and for breaking your heart. I just don’t want to live in lie anymore. I’ve loved you, you know that but I’m not happy anymore. I hope you understand.
Elizabeth
When I read it, my face flushed. Wrath was the feeling that overcame me. I wanted to see mom and asked her why and what happened to her. Why did she choose that pitiless man over us, her family? She was the most selfish human being I’ve ever met. I hated my mom. I hated myself too for the reason that I’m a complete replica of her. I can’t even look at my dad, whenever he looks at me; I can see all the pain and torment he’s experiencing every single day without mom with him.
I looked for her, every place in the city. I can’t find her. As if she was erased in this world with that heartless man. Defeated, I went home and swore to my dad that I’ll find her no matter happened but dad told me that I should just leave mom alone where she could be happy. I never listened, I will never will. I don’t care if I find them dead or alive but it would be better if they’re alive. I will get them. Make them pay for what they’ve done to us. Especially to my dad. She left us for someone that she doesn’t know for a very long time. Dad didn’t deserve what she did. I just hope she’ll suffer with what she chose.
Harriet Lowell, I’ll do whatever it takes to find you. You’re a home-wrecker. Mom would leave you also, just like what she did to us. How you’ve obtained her, that’s also how she’ll be taken away from you. Cursing him was the only thing I could only do for now. I’m too young to make revenge but as I get older, I’ll make my move.
I just know, that love is just a hallucination that humans live with. Like animals, or any creature I know, they will never be contented on one. They must gain more. That’s why there’s polygamy. You’ll never acquire monogamy unless you experienced polygamy. If you love your family so much then you’ll have it but if you love yourself so much then it’s impossible to achieve it. If you want proof, just ask the story of my life and you’ll believe it. Not unless you’re stupid enough for not being able to understand it. You’ll just continue living in lie just like almost all other human being you meet.
Yet, there were questions I still can’t answer ‘til now. Even my dad, who’s I am living with since my parents got divorced, can’t answer it the way I wanted it to be. Every time I look at him, he looks like he was dying, not the same guy I used to know when I was little. It’s like he was incomplete. I miss him so much actually. He was always cheerful and contented with what he had in life. I’ve never seen him frown whenever he’s with mom. He had never agonized this much when mom’s around.
“Why do you love mom so much? Why can’t you just live again with someone else? Love doesn’t exist!” I blurted. There are full of confusion and hatred in my eyes.
“It do exists hon. I can’t be with anybody else for the reason that she’s a part of me. She’ll always be the missing piece in my life,” dad answered, smiling half-heartedly. His eyes are more somnolent than ever. It’s too obvious that he’s not even convinced on what he just said. Even though that’s the case, I can still sense the intense feeling he felt for mom. But that’s not love. He just misses her. He cares for her more than anything in this world.
“That’s foolish! Just grow up, Dad!”
The room was just filled with laughter when I shouted. I didn’t become aware of that I fell asleep and dreamt. Nathan didn’t even wake me up, such an oddball. His laugh was even the loudest of them all.
“Why didn’t you wake me!!!? You knew all this time that I fell asleep without myself noticing,” I whispered to Nathaniel. My face was red because of humiliation and my body stiffened.
“Why would I? If it’s fun to look at you like that, I’ve always been waiting for you to do it again. I’ve waited this long so I’ll never let the chance slipped away,” he said still laughing. He was wiping the tears in his eyes for his uncontrollable laughter.
“You’re such a jerk after all and you know that!” I said annoyingly.
“Ms. Steele, you know where to go after class” Mr. Hansen told me flatly. His left eyebrow raised and his lips were pursed.
“Yes, Mr. Hansen. I didn’t mean to sleep while listening to your discussion” I told him softly. Hoping he’ll forgive me and be not in detention again.
“Enough explanations, I won’t get fooled with your charming face again,” he said while walking away from me.
I sat again on my seat, aggravated. I was pissed off so much that I wanted to kill Nathan for this. I hope he’ll get karma for what he did. He’s always been like this, making fun of me in class. He’s acting like he’s never been my best friend. He’s such a bully.
“Hey,Chelsea. I’m sorry if you got detention again. I’m sorry for not waking you up” Nathan whispered while Mr. Hansen is not looking.
“Whatever, Nathan, harm is done. You can’t do anything with just your sorry. Just don’t talk to me, okay? I’m so pissed off right now that I want to kill you this exact minute” I told him fiercely without looking at him.
“Come on, Chelsea. I know you can’t do that and you know I can do something. Just wait and see. After class, you’ll go home with me” he said very confident.
“Prove it. I won’t believe you until you do.”