That is what landed me in Freezy Queen on a Saturday night, waiting for Justin. People milled around, minding their own business or laughing at silly jokes. It seemed like I was on the outside looking in, sitting alone in the ice-cream parlour, going through a cocktail of emotions that made me question myself. First of all, I do not belong here. I never have. Come on. Even if Megan’s friends do manage to invite me in and be as nice as they would be, I’m still an outsider.
It’s all I’ll ever be.
My thoughts trailed back to Justin worriedly. What if he manages to notice the tiny little changes in the Megan he used to know? No-one’s noticed it so far but only time will tell.
“You must be crazy” I say to myself as one particularly happy couple passed me, laughing together as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Watching them walk by so care-free made me slightly envious. At the end of the day, I have no idea how long I’m going to be roped into this. I’m just living a lie, upon lie, upon lie. That couple will never have to do this. If they choose to lie away and loose the ones they love out of their own free will, it’s safe to say that I will render them unconscious. Why on earth would you willingly choose a life of deceit?
Just as I was about to go into another full-blown self debate, someone cleared their throat from behind me. Taking a minute to compose myself, I put on a smile that I just hope would convince Justin that I was ecstatic to see him. Truthfully, I was looking forward to just going to sleep and forgetting about this day. Tomorrow is another day after all. Playing with a random pink straw that I had taken from some sort of dispenser thingy, I started to bend it into ridiculous shapes.
“I’m Super Bendy” I cackled in a silly voice, chuckling to myself like a crazed maniac as I bent it even more.
"Oh hello gorgeous” a smug voice exclaimed and I frowned almost instantly, dropping the straw on the table. I recognised that voice from anywhere.
“What do you want Joey?” I asked rudely, annoyed that I wasted a perfectly good and convincing smile in him. Also because he had caught me when I was in silly child mode.
Shoving the straw in my pocket I seethed inwardly. Now I have to find the energy to do it all over again. Joey chuckled before pulling a chair out and sitting on it abruptly. Looking around, I kept trying to look for a reason to get rid of him. Justin should be here soon- what will he say when he sees this big hunk of blue eyes and steel sitting across from me? I turned my attention back to him as he started to fish around in his pocket.
“I just wanted to give you this” he said as he grabbed my hand and dropped something on it. I tried to ignore the slight increase in my heartbeat as his hot skin came into contact with my own cold one as he closed my hand into a fist. Stop it, I scolded to myself. It’s completely normal. Keeping my eyes on his, I tried to move the minuscule object in my hand.
“What’s this?” I asked gingerly, frowning as the object stabbed me in the palm.
“Tracker Pin.”
I stared at him blankly. “And this is of significance to me because…”
“Because, after your date, you will inject this little pin into the back of his neck so that we can record any conversations he has with his father or even better, a tour of the Diamond store so that we can collect evidence.”
I blinked, completely fazed by the idea. A Tracker Pin? Opening my closed fist, I looked at the paper thin, short little pin. Peering at it closely, I see the tiny gleaming little camera screen. It was literally tiny, barely noticeable on the human skin.
“How long does it have to be in for?” I asked, my eyes never leaving the tracker pin.
“3 days maximum, or else it will decompose and release the toxins into his skin.”
“Won’t it hurt?” I asked worriedly, looking up from hand. The concept of Justin being in pain was a little disturbing. But I was speaking to deaf ears as no-one was there to listen. Frowning, I look around, anger escalating in my bones. How dare he just get up and leave me looking like a complete idiot?
“They say” he suddenly whispered from behind me, lightly touching my hair. Inhaling sharply, shivers travelled down my spine.
Shaking it away, I refused for it to be what all those people gush about in those sappy love stories. ‘Pulses of electricity coursing through my veins’ is utterly pathetic and delusional. It wasn’t him, his voice or his touch that gave me shivers. It could be a wrinkly old man and their hot breath would cause the same effect.
Why? Because it is unexpected and I was attacked off guard. Your body is surprised. Body and mind are two completely separate things and my mind feels nothing for his lewd act.
"Kissing releases endorphins that stop pain” he whispered yet again, teasing me as my face visibly brightened.
“Look who studied Biology in High School. I am not kissing him” I said adamantly. I will not toy with his emotions.
“You’ll do whatever is necessary Honey-Pot.”
“I will not” I say whirling around, to face nothing but empty space. Puzzled, I face the front again and see Justin in the distance just finishing a conversation with someone.
Watching him, I smiled involuntarily. There seemed to be like, this aura of ease about him. He can slip into any situation or conversation, he can relate to anyone’s problems. Not to mention that he’s so tall and… well handsome. His eyes were breath-taking. Like a well of liquid chocolate holding me in a trance. His chocolate eyes seemed to just open up to the world and give everyone a friendly greeting.
Mentally, I face palmed myself. Why on earth am I describing his eyes as a well of liquid chocolate?
His hair looked so soft and inviting. Even the way he walked suggested that he was the one that just got on with everyone. He was friendly that was all I could really say. As his eyes met mine I felt my cheeks flare up. I closed my eyes in a second of self-pity. You can take away the ginger hair- my pale skin and blushing tendencies however still remain.
When I opened my eyes, he was noticeably nearer and I waved weakly before gesturing to my chair. He grinned at me sheepishly before taking the seat in front of me.
“Megan! It’s been a long time” he said, smiling at me with his chocolate brown eyes. I wanted to melt in them a little. Grinning back a little too brightly, I answered him in the only way I could.
"Well, I wouldn’t know” I mumbled to him, playing with my fingers.
"What do you mean?” he asked his smile now replaced with one of pure confusion.
“Remember that car accident?” I began slowly, trying to bring together all the bits of information.
He simply nodded, giving me permission to go on.
“It gave me amnesia” I said simply, looking up to see his reaction. Studying his face, I watched as it contorted in line with the range of emotions that passed over his face. Shock first registered in and his eyes seemed to stop churning in its chocolate glory. Relentlessly, I openly stared, watching the shock change into sadness and then a futile attempt of contentment. As he smiled weakly, I knew that what I said had damaged him and it hurt me to think that I was the cause of the pain he was feeling. He’s just so… nice. Adorable. Innocent. He doesn’t need this does he?
“Are you okay?” I asked weakly, feeling as if I had just set the mood for the rest of the night. When he didn’t answer, I tucked one dark lock of hair behind my ear and cleared my throat.
“Ice cream?” I asked pathetically.
At that moment, his eyes met mine as he gazed at me, some hurt still evident in his eyes. I gulped. I didn’t know that breaking the news would be this hard. Did he even speak or acknowledge Megan except for at parties? Probably not.
So why did he react this way? Ripping myself away from these questions, I looked into his eyes again as he nodded mutely. Without waiting for an ice-cream request, I practically sprinted across to the counter where I ordered two caramel ice-cream sundaes. As I waited for the frail guy to scoop everything together, I looked back at the table where Justin still had his head hung low.
“They’re ready.”
Without much thought, I paid him and grabbed the glass bowls before the guy held onto my wrist tight. I froze where I stood, not worrying about holding up the line because I was the only one there. His dark blue eyes, almost indigo, seemed to blaze as he looked pointedly at the sundaes.
“Is something wrong?” I asked quite irritably, staring at his hand on my wrist. Seeing my slight movement and look, he immediately let go before speaking in a quite nasally tone.
“The one with the cherry is yours. The one with the chocolate star is his.”
With that, he turned and started refilling one of the machines, leaving me there to ponder over that for a minute. Why does it matter…
My eyes widened as I slid open my PDA and sent a quick message to Doctor Morgan-Smith. It was quite wordy, in the wrong way, but the main gist of it was basically, what the hell is going on. Literally seconds later, my phone started ringing and I hurriedly answered it, my eyes roaming over to my table where Justin sat patiently.
“Nothing is wrong, his sundae has simply been laced with a mild hallucinogen to allow him to loosen up and tell you stuff” Dr Morgan growled angrily down the phone, obviously disturbed at my rude message. I raised an eyebrow before glaring at the drugged ice cream.
“Hello to you too” I muttered sarcastically. “I’m fine by the way, not completely worried about the potential drugging of a nice guy.”
“I don’t care-“
“Maybe I do!” I shrieked, closing my eyes as a family scuttled away from the store obviously oh so traumatised. “Life isn’t easy and quiet kids!” I yelled after them, completely ignoring the looks from everyone else enjoying their cold desserts.
"Stop making a scene” the doctor ordered, almost feeling the looks of daggers he must’ve been giving his phone.
Scoffing, I turned to the ice cream sundaes and slickly slid them to the floor, where the glass smashed into smithereens. By now, everyone was looking and I was feeding off the attention slightly. It must be that good ole actress instinct, I think as I slam a wad of money on the counter to pay for any damage.
“And scene” I whisper down the phone as I end the call and storm over to Justin, where I grab his hand and drag him out from behind me. Surprisingly, he didn’t object and allowed himself to be drawn all the way out of the mall and into the parking lot where I finally released him and looked up at the darkening sky. It must be what, around nine now. The cool night air blew through my dark hair as I tried to regain my composure.
Exhaling, I pushed away the last remaining twinges of annoyance and anger before thinking about the possibility of the situation if I had simply agreed. Justin, sweet as he is, would be telling me all sorts under the influence of drugs, not because he trusted me at all. Something about that didn’t help me feel any better than myself than I already did.
“You’re obviously not okay and knowing what you were like before, you’re not gonna tell me anytime soon so… let me take you somewhere” I hear Justin say calmly as I turn to face him.
"What?” I ask in shock, still wondering why he hadn’t questioned my rooms.
"I know you. Now come one” he said, a faint smile lighting up his face. Seeing it and the hope in his eyes, I finally complied, following him out of the parking lot and into a forest near-by. It was completely unexpected- who would have thought that there would be a forest situated so near to the town centre.
“You might not remember this place, but we had a lot of good times here” he continued, seeing the bewildered look I didn’t try too hard to hide. I nodded, my focus on that of my surroundings. After a while, we met a clearing, in which I almost passed out with the beauty of what was in front of me.
It was like a skyline. The moon was high and proud and illuminating what little white light it could onto the city below. Buildings, and coloured lights were dotted all over the place and as I walked forward, a cool blue lake reflecting this brilliant blue that stunned me into silence.
“It’s so beautiful” I breathe, the smell of pine and leaves filling the air. Justin’s presence appeared from behind me and I could almost feel the happiness emanating from him.
“I know. That’s why we picked it.”
"What do you mean, we?” I asked, hating that I was killing the mood. I felt his hands grab my shoulders as he whirled me around to face him. This time, I couldn’t ignore the brown hue of his eyes. This time I couldn’t ignore how close he actually was. And this time, I felt the full on battering of my guilt.
"Don’t you remember us?” he asked sadly, his eyes searching mine for some sense of familiarity, anything. But I had nothing to offer. I felt tears sting my eyes as I said the words that I now knew would break his heart.
“I don’t remember anything” I say as my voice catches and breaks at parts, trying to prove to him that I was truly sorry. I didn’t need any vapour rub to rub under my eyes to make me cry. My eyes poured out relentless tears without that help. Justin’s chocolate eyes stopped churning and froze, hardening in pain. Stepping away from me, I missed the warmth that he gave me.
“I’ll make you remember” he said more to himself than me and I broke down into more tears. I’ll never remember, I felt the urge to scream. I’ll never remember because the girl you’re looking at is not Megan Chivonsky. And I never will be.
“You’re gonna remember” he said finally, ignoring my shaking head and gestures. Don’t waste your breath on me. Just don’t.
“But for now, I’ll take you home. You need to rest. Because I will make you remember. I have to” he kept mumbling to himself as he dragged me away from the sight that had so easily inspired me. A wolf howled in the distance and I felt helpless as he made me continue.
Yet again, I felt guilty. I don’t know how long I can keep on going before I break down or end up booked into a mental asylum. It’s already starting, eating away at my insides slowly. The sad thing is, is that this guilt will continue to eat at me until there’s nothing left.
When I’m no longer Hannah Moriati or even Megan Chivonsky. When I’m just a blank canvas for anyone to pick up and do as they please. To paint me into a third identity. It would matter. At every passing second, I can feel myself losing the Hannah within me that longed to surface above this Megan façade. Speaking of façade, I still have to complete part one of this dreadful mission.
Watching Justin’s back, the thought of kissing or even hugging him killed me. I’ll just be leading him on. He’s already adamant that he will make me remember the beautiful couple him and Megan may have been. Physical contact would be even worse.
Grabbing the straw I had been playing with since I was waiting the arrival of Justin, I stuck the Tracker Pin at the end and aimed for the back of Justin’s neck. Knowing that I still hadn’t had enough time to monitor Justin’s behavioural patterns, the possibility of him turning and seeing this sight is still unknown. I had to be quick.
After aiming, I blew hard and watched as the Tracker Pin propelled into the back of his neck. He winced, automatically reaching for the back of his neck. Hurriedly throwing the straw into a bush, I pretended to be immensely interested in a tree before turning to him innocently.
“Mosquito?” I asked, planting the idea in his mind. He swivelled around partially before dismissing the pain and nodding.
“Probably.”
He walked on and I shook my head sadly. Yeah, probably.