Bucky trudged over sticks and bark, head down and shoulders slumped as he held onto Tchallas shirt, tired and annoyed.
He didn't want to be going for a swim in the river. He didn't want to do anything at all.
"Come on, Buck." Clint encouraged, slowing his step to be in time with the other. "We're almost there, don't go falling asleep on us."
Bucky gave a lifeless chuckle, lifting his head to give a fake smile toward his friend. "Yeah yeah, whatever." He muttered, grip tightening on the shirt he was clutching as they began to walk faster.
"Tchalla, slow down."
"I can't, sorry. We're almost there and I really wanna swim!" Tchalla boasted, jumping slightly and causing Bucky to groan.
"Urgh."
Natasha rolled her eyes at her friends complaints, getting ready to turn around and growl at him, when Bruce only shook his head. She sighed, but listened to his silent scowl.
"We're almost there!" Bruce exclaimed, pushing past branches and bushes.
Bucky gave a sigh, standing up straight and walking beside tchalla, holding on lightly to the sleeve of his shirt. He just wanted this to be over.
Tchalla smiled over at Bucky, stopping in his tracks before swooping Bucky up in his arms and running up ahead.
Bucky squealed, gripping the others shirt. "PUT ME DOWN YOU BITCH!"
"NO I AM THE KING I DO AS I PLEASE!' Tchalla screamed in reply.
"YOU GOT PROM KING ONCE TCHALLA!!!! ONCE!!!!" Bucky screamed holding onto him tightly.
Tchalla came to a stop at the sight of the river, Bucky clutching tightly onto him as he continued to scream. "Bucky." He laughed, "We're here."
Bucky stopped screaming, closing his mouth quickly before fluttering open his eyes. "Oh.."
Tchalla chuckled, shaking his head and carefully placing Bucky back onto his feet, patting his shoulder.
Bucky shrugged his hand away in fake anger, poking his tongue out at the other male before turning his gaze back to the river.
The water glistened brightly at the glaze of the sun, showing off the rivers brightest blues and rocks that lay underneath the calm water. Bucky couldn't help but feel his spirits lift slightly at the gorgeous sight.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Tchalla spoke softly, placing an arm around Bucky's shoulders. "I remember when you snuck me out here."
"It is.. I remember that!" Bucky gasped, "and you threw me into the water? Great times."
"Yeah. Until you dunked me under."
"You deserved it! You threw me into the fucking river!"
"Okay okay, you win."
Bucky grinned. "Thank you."
Tchalla rolled his eyes, head snapping in the direction of sudden laughter and the splash of water, catching sight of two guys, older then themselves, throwing a football.
Bucky noticed his friends attention was elsewhere and followed his gaze, eyes widening and feeling whatever spirit that had been lifted drop back to the ground.
"Oh fuck." He muttered, causing the other to turn to him confused.
"You know them or something?" Tchalla asked, raising an eyebrow.
"One of them." Bucky hissed all too loudly.
One of the men in the river looked over at the two teens, a look of confusion glazing over his features at Bucky's harsh glare. He mumbled something to his friend, causing the blonde to turn his head and his eyes to widen.
"Oh shit." He cursed.
Steve slowly made his way out of the river, water dripping from his hair and sliding down his face. Bucky stared, his harsh gaze dropping slightly as his mouth started to water and a blush rose to his cheeks.
Water trickled down the others abs almost perfectly, arm raising up to run a hand through his hair and causing his biceps to bulge largely.
"Bucky?" Steve questioned, voice husky and full of confusion.
"Steve." Bucky hissed, composing himself by wrapping his arm around his waist. "What're you doing here?"
"I could say the same for you."
"Swimming. And you?"
"Isn't it obvious? I was literally just in the river." Steve snapped, rolling his eyes.
"Whoa, chill. What's going on here? How do you know each other?" Tchalla suddenly cut in, holding out his hand to separate the two.
"That doesn't concern you. Come on Sam, we're leaving. Don't wanna spoil these kids fun." Steve spat, noticing three more people walking in from the bushes.
"Steve why are you so pissed off? You broke into his house!" Sam exclaimed, throwing his towel to the dirt floor.
"Um, excuse me? What was that?" Natasha suddenly asked, coming up beside Bucky with Bruce and Clint close behind. "Did you just say that big blonde hunky broke into my friends house?"
"Sam shut the fuck up!"
"No. Steve you started this, so finish it."
"Guys maybe we should just stop this? Like you know- this was meant to be a nice outing for Bucky and all we're doing is fighting with these guys." Clint said gently.
Nobody seemed to listen, causing him to scrunch his eyebrows in anger and growl. "Guys shut the fuck up! Let them leave so we can go swimming!"
Everyone's eyes widened at Clint's sudden outburst, even Clint was shocked at himself. Who knew he had it in him?
"Yeah... I agree." Bruce responded, "you guys can just leave."
"Fine by me." Steve hissed, picking up his towel and storming over to his pile of clothes.
"Sorry about that." Sam breathed, going after his friend.
Bucky let out a breath of relief, leaning into Tchalla before turning around and ignoring his friends questions. "Guys let's just swim. Please."
They all nod, dumping their towels and bag full of snacks onto the ground before running into the water. Bucky slowly took off his shirt that hung loosely on his body, biting his lower lip before dropping it to the floor.
"Come on, you can do this. It's only swimming and you've known them for years." Bucky told himself.
Taking in a deep breath, Bucky slowly walked over to the river where his friends were splashing and laughing, beckoning him to join them.
Steve watched from where he stood as the boy walked, ass looking thick in his shorts and causing Steve to inwardly groan. Oh how he just wants to slap it-
"NO!" He screamed at himself. "Jesus Steve, get ahold of yourself! You hate each others guts."
Sam noticed the look in his friends eyes and smirked, earning a slap from Steve as he began to walk away.
************
Bucky bit into one of the many sandwiches Natasha had made, moaning softly in delight and causing Tchalla to chuckle. "Good?"
"Fuck yes. Nat makes the best sandwiches." Bucky responded, seemingly forgetting his distaste for the days adventure.
"Well remind me to have one before we leave."
Bucky hummed, taking another bite and looking over at their friends still swimming around in the water, a sigh surpassing his lips.
"Today was really fun, thanks for convincing me to go."
"All good. I always knew you'd come, You just had to have the right encouragement."
"Yeah.. I guess you always knew what I needed." Bucky chuckled lightly, remenicising of the small two months he and Tchalla were together.
"I really did, didn't I?" Tchalla joked, giving a small laugh as Bucky slapped his chest.
"Okay, no need to boast."
Tchalla smiled, eyes gazing between the boys eyes and his lips, butterflies suddenly fluttering in his stomach. He placed his hand out by Bucky's, leaning his way and causing Bucky to bite his lower lip.
Bucky knew what Tchalla was going to do, and he wasn't going to fight it. He wanted it to happen.
The two teens fluttered their eyes closed, leaning towards each other's soft lips and ready to close the distance when running footsteps caused them to snap their eyes open and to pull away.
"You guys should seriously still be swimming." Clint panted, placing his hands on his knees. "But maybe be careful of those two, all they wanna do is try drag you under."
Tchalla chuckled, "Okay. Buck, do you wanna go back in?"
Bucky shook his head, slightly disappointed. "Nah. I'm good."
But Tchalla wouldn't take no for an answer. He jumped to his feet, bending down and picking Bucky up bridal style for the second time today and ran towards the water, laughing as the smaller screamed.
"TCHALLA!"
He ran them into the water before throwing Bucky out a few steps before him, throwing his head back in laughter.
Bucky rose to the service, gasping for air and a glare on his face. "You little bitch." He hissed, jumping at the other.
Tchalla caught him with ease before Bucky could push him under, placing his clasped hands under his thighs that were now wrapped around his waist.
Bucky blushed, wrapping his arm gently around the others neck and hid his face in his arm. "Hey, no need to be embarrassed." Tchalla soothed, "we've done this before."
"I know.." Bucky mumbled, "but still.."
Tchalla chuckled gently, resting his forehead against Bucky's shoulder as he carried them around the river. Bucky gave a content sigh. He loved being cuddled and carried around like this. Even though Tchalla and him had agreed to just stay friends, it didn't matter that they still acted like a couple from time to time... did it?
No. Of course not. And it was especially normal the almost kiss that went down moments earlier.
"Oi! Love birds!" Natasha joked, splashing water their way. "Join in on the fun!"
Bucky grumbled into the embrace, pulling back his arm to quickly splash her back as Tchalla grabbed his hips tightly, before wrapping his arm back around the others neck. "Piss off." Bucky grumbled. "Leave us alone."
Natasha went to splash them again, but Bruce and Clint did it first, causing her to chuckle and throw herself at them.
Tchalla laughed, eyes scrunched in the corners as he threw his head back. "My god, is this what you guys always do?" He asked, caressing Bucky's hips gently.
"Yup." Bucky blushed, removing his gaze from the other and over to his friends.
"I think I still like you." It was said in a whisper, but Bucky was able to hear it. Loud and clear.
"W-What?"
An embarrassed chuckle slipped from Tchalla's mouth as he realised what he had just said. "S-Sorry." He stammered, "I just- never mind."
"No, it's okay. Don't worry..." Bucky mumbles. Now this was awkward.
By the time Bucky had arrived home and had waved his friends goodbye, he happily laid down on his bed with a smile across his lips.
His friends were amazing, how did he deserve such sweet, accepting people? They knew how to cheer him up, they knew what would make him smile.
But Bucky couldn't help but think he didn't deserve their kindness. He did nothing for them, and all they ever did was be there for him. Bucky couldn't seem to name a single thing he had done for his friends. My god he was pathetic.
But before his thoughts good drag him down under, a soft knock at the door brought him from his thoughts and he quickly wiped his cheeks of the tears.
"Come in." He called, clearing his throat.
The door squeaked open and Tony walked inside, a smile on his lips. "Hey, soldier. How was the river?" He asked, taking a seat beside his son on the bed.
"It was good."
"Only good?"
"You know what I mean." Bucky sighed, leaning against his fathers shoulder. "I'm just so tired."
Tony frowned, reaching his hand up placing it atop of Bucky's head, gently combing his fingers through his long locks. "What do you mean?"
"I mean like.. like I can't be bothered to do anything anymore. All I wanna do is sleep. But- it's fine. I'll manage."
"Buck, you don't have to pretend to 'manage' your problems. You're allowed to ask for help, it doesn't make you weak."
"I never said I felt weak." Bucky grumbled, feeling suddenly defensive. "I said I was tired."
"Okay okay." Tony muttered as Bucky pulled away from the embrace. "I'm sorry."
Bucky sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. "I'm sorry for snapping.. I.. Just.. I'm sorry."
"Buck, it's okay. You're allowed to get angry. It's normal-
"Dad just stop!" Bucky cried, getting up from the bed. "Stop treating me like a child! Stop fucking smothering me! I'm fine! Just leave it alone!"
"Bucky- calm down, I'm only trying to help." Tony soothed, getting up on his feet.
"No! Dad, leave me alone! I'm fine! Why doesn't anyone listen to me anymore? Just because I only have one arm doesn't fucking mean I can't think for myself! I'm so sick of everyone smothering me! Leave me alone!"
"Don't you dare talk to me like that, James. We do listen, we do let you think for yourself, and you are definitely not okay."
"Oh my fucking- yes I am!"
"Oh really? So lashing out at your family whenever you feel like it is okay? Crying yourself to sleep at night is okay? Waking up screaming is okay? James, you're not okay, so let me help." Tony snapped.
Bucky clenched his hand into a fist by his side. "I don't need your fucking help! Leave me ALONE!"
"You know what- fine. I'm really done trying to help you right now, James. So when you have calmed yourself down, you can help peter with dinner."
Without another word, Tony left the room and slammed the door behind himself. Bucky cupped his hand over his mouth and dropped to his knees, a sob escaping his lips.
What did he just do? He always seemed to be fucking up.
*************
The sound of dishes clanking and talking allowed Bucky to know that it was time for him to remove himself from off the floor and go and help peter with dinner.
He made his way out into the kitchen, ignoring Tony's questioning look before taking over on cutting the vegetables and allowing peter to mix the chicken.
"Hey, Buck?" Tony suddenly asked, leaning against the doorframe. "Outside please?"
Bucky gave a small sigh, but followed his father out onto the deck and took a seat on the wooden stairs. "Yes?" He asked, rubbing his eyes.
"What was that a few hours ago? You've never snapped like that before.. nor have you been so emotional the way you have been these passed few weeks. Is there something going on?"
"No, dad. I'm fine- I just haven't been able to sleep is all."
Tony took a seat beside Bucky. "Yeah, how come?"
Bucky shrugged and leaned his head against his fathers shoulder, dropping his shoulders as he started to rub small circles on his back. "I- I dunno.. I just- I've probably been going on my phone for too long? And like- I guess since I haven't been going to school, my brain thinks I don't need to sleep?"
"Oh- well maybe I should take your phone off you at night? Even give you a magnesium, that'll help with sleep."
"Yeah, Okay."
The two shared a small embrace before making their way back into the kitchen to see all the vegetables and chicken cooked and ready to be eaten. "Damn, your fast." Bucky complemented, assisting in serving their dinner.
"Yep, I've gotten used to cooking fast before mum would pass out due to how much she had drunk." Peter explained emotionlessly, handing Bucky a plate.
"Oh... right."
Once their dinner had been devoured, dishes had been cleaned, and they had watched a little bit of tv together, Tony announced that they should head to bed.
"Did you take a magnesium?" He asked Bucky who was in the bathroom brushing his teeth.
"Mhm." bucky muttered.
"Phone?"
Bucky pointed to his bedside table. Tony gave a small nod, quickly pressing a kiss to his sons temple before grabbing his phone and walking towards the door.
"Goodnight, soldier."
"Night dad, love you."
Tony smiled. "I love you too."
*******
Hours had passed, and Bucky was still in the bathroom, clutching tightly at a handful of his long hair.
Bucky felt the wave of the world crashing over him, pulling him down deep into the oceans dark abis, until he lay flat on the grainy sea floor.
He was nothing
Tears fell down his cheeks, sobs slipped passed his lips.
He was nothing
Bucky sat on the tiled floor of his bathroom, back pressed against the wall, heart banging in his ears.
Thoughts rushed around his mind, causing him to bang his head against the wall and clench his hand into a fist. He couldn't even remember what time it was and what led him to do this; sit in the bathroom and sink down two deep.
Bucky knew deep down this was stupid and wrong, that he was too caught up in his stupid insecurities. He wasn't worthless, he wasn't disgusting, he wasn't a disappointment. So why did he feel like one?
Bucky breathed in and out deeply, trying to calm the panic that had began to pool in the pit of his stomach and the raging thoughts that were causing him a headache.
"Just do it. Look at you. Your such a disappointment! If you didn't get in the way, then your father wouldn't have shot you and you'd be fine. If you had told your friends that you were in a bad place, they would've helped you. But no. Your an idiot who tries to handle his problems by himself and ends up hurting others."
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
In.
Out.
"Ignore it." Bucky sobbed quietly, rocking back and forth. "Ignore it."
"Your so pathetic. T'Challa doesn't still like you. He never did. He only said that to make you feel better."
Bucky bit into his lower lip harshly, wiping his tears quickly before gripping his hair. "Shut up. I'm loved. Stop."
"If your father really did love you, he would've heard your cries and would've been in the bathroom right now, holding you. But no. He's fast asleep, probably wishing to wake up and have you gone. So really, what have you got to lose? Just do it."
"No. Dad does love me. Shut up."
"Come on, you know you want to. You know how happy it'll make everyone. So get up off the floor, go into the garage and do in the combination."
Bucky sniffled, but he listened. Why was he listening to his thoughts? They were wrong. Weren't they? No. They were.. they were right.
He made his way into the garage, doing in the combination to the locker that held his fathers pistol and opened it.
Tears streamed down the boys cheeks like a waterfall as he stared at the now loaded pistol in his hand, flicking on the safety before placing it in the pocket of his pjs.
Bucky slowly closed the locker shut, suddenly rethinking his whole decision when his thoughts raged inside his mind once more and he gave in. He couldn't be bothered to fight it. He was too tired.
He shakily made his way out of the garage, through the lounge and quietly out the sliding door, giving Dodger a reassuring scratch behind the ears and a tearful smile before walking away.
Bucky slipped through a gate that lead to the woods, locking it behind him and walking through the long, itchy grass.
His pajiama pants flowed against his legs as the cold wind nipped at his skin, drying the tears to his tinted cheeks.
Was he really about to do this? What about his father? Peter? Nat and Bruce? Tchalla?
"They don't care about you!" His mind screamed. "Your father and peter would've heard you crying, yet they didn't bother to go and see if you were alright. Natasha and Bruce are probably sick of you now and want you gone. And Tchalla? He doesn't give a shit about you."
Bucky took in a deep breath, shakily pushing through bushes and branches before stopping in his tracks in front of a large tree. He raised his head to look up at the star filled sky one last time, tears falling from his chin and onto the hard ground.
He pulled the gun from out of his pocket, flicking the safety off with quivering fingers before raising the gun to his temple. Bucky took in another breath, fluttering his stinging eyes closed before traveling his forefinger down to the trigger.
As he began to count down in his mind, his ears picked up on running footsteps behind him and before Bucky could pull the trigger, he was tackled to the ground and the pistol was fired at the tree.
Bucky screamed and squirmed underneath the larger person, feeling the gun being tugged from his hand and thrown away into some bushes.
"Kid Hey hey!" The familiar voice cried, pulling Bucky towards their chest. "Hey hey, it's just me shh shh." At that moment Bucky realised who the voice was and stopped thrashing, falling into the embrace with a sob. "It's just me, calm down. You're okay. I'm here."
"I'm sorry!" Bucky sobbed. "I'm sorry!"
"It's okay, it's okay, shh shh." Steve cooed gently, picking them both up and wrapping Bucky's legs around his middle. "It's okay, I'm right here."
Once they had arrived at a small cottage in the middle of the woods, Steve placed Bucky down on his bed and wrapped him in a blanket before taking a seat beside him.
Neither one of them spoke. What was there to say, anyway? Bucky had done something completely idiotic and Steve had been there to save him. What would've happened if Steve hadn't shown up? Would Bucky actually have pulled the trigger? Would he be dead?
"Bucky.." Steve broke the silence. "You don't have to answer this question if you don't want to but.. is there any reason as to why you almost.. killed yourself?"
Bucky leaned against the larger male before answering. "I-I don't kn-know.. my mi-mind w-was so l-loud.. loud.. and I- I.. couldn't stop.."
"That's okay, don't push yourself too hard, love. Everything is gonna be okay, your safe."
**********
Steve placed Bucky gently on the centre of his bed, tucking the hair behind his ears before whispering, "Bucky, please call someone to look after you if you don't want to get your dad. I don't want anything happening to you, Okay?"
Bucky nodded, yet the words didn't seem to sink in. He was dazed, limbs shaking and eyes blown wide. Did he really just try and do that? Did Steve just save his life?
"Bucky?" Steve soothed, placing his hands in Bucky's shaking ones. "Did you hear me, love?"
"Y-Yeah.." The boy stammered. "I did."
"Okay. Would you like me to stay with you until your friend gets here, love?"
Bucky nodded, falling into Steve's chest before starting to weep once more. "I-I'm sorry.. I'm s-So sorry.. I didn't m-mean to.."
The older frowned, wrapping him tightly in his arms and took a seat on the bed, allowing Bucky to sit across his lap. "It's okay, Bucky. You were in a dark dark place, and sometimes we fall down so deep that we can't fight anymore. We give in, and it's okay. Because your safe in my arms in your room, your okay."
He removed his head from the crook of Steve's neck, allowing him to wipe away his tears with gentle hands and hand him his phone. "Call your friend. I'll stay as long as you need me to, Okay?"
"O-Okay..."
Bucky unlocked his phone with shaky hands, pressing call on Tchalla's contact before placing his phone against his ear.
"Hello?" Tchalla's groggy voice questioned after the third ring.
"T-Tchalla.." Bucky sobbed.
"Bucky? it's 2 am, is everything alright?"
"I'm s-so sorry!"
"Hey hey, shh shh Buck, it's okay. What's wrong?"
"I- I almost d-did something r-really stupid.." he whispered, snuffling harshly. "C-can you pl-please come out?"
"Of course, but what exactly did you try to do Buck?"
"I-I.. i.. i tr-tried to k-kill myself.."
Tchalla was silent for a few moments. "H-how?"
"M-my dads p-pistol.."
"I'll be there as fast as I can, Okay buck? Don't move!"
The line went dead and Bucky removed the phone from his ear, allowing it to fall to the floor before dropping back into Steve's embrace. "I'm so sorry.."
*********
This was so sad to write:'(
~Maddi❤️