I leaned against the wall, on the second floor of the abandoned house, constantly checking my phone. It had been exactly two days since I fought with Madelane. I hadn't heard from her ever since. I didn't know what to do, I left countless messages, called about a million times and even left her voicemails.
Nada.
She just dropped from the face of the earth. I even drove to her house (no way in hell am I skating across town) but there was nobody, not even her mom. I didn't bother looking for her good for nothing father.
Madeline had grown up without her father, he abandoned her and her mom the moment Mads was born. He didin't call, didin't text, nothing. He was dead, for all she knew. Madelane acted like she didn't care about it, but in reality it was all she could think about. That's the reason she doesn't date guys, she's scared of being rejected, she's been hurt in a way that she doesn't know if she can trust anymore. Her own father left her, didn't love her, didn't care about her. Who's to say another boy wont do the same?
That, along with her being tormented by practically everyone in her grade, all the pressure added up and Madelane started binging. Every time she felt bad and was forced to eat, she made herself throw it all away before it was even digested. Being barely 11 years old, she became anorexic. Binging, purging. And she described it all vividly, crystal clear.
"It got to the point where I wrote down if I lost weight , If I gained, if I just stayed the same. I exercised daily, pushed myself beyond my limit and constantly fainted. I was crazy obsessed, it was not healthy at all. I was just a bag of bones and I woudint stop until the kids in my class stopped with their comments, until they looked at me and became amazed at how beautiful and skinny I was. I would become the most popular girl in school and maybe, I though, dad will come back and realize I was the perfect daughter.
He could love me, he would genuinely care about me and somehow it would be enough for him to stay. That's all I wanted, to be loved and accepted, to have my father's love..." she told me one of our many FaceTime calls.
She said if her mom hadn't been a therapist and noticed it in time, she didn't know if she would be alive.
After being upset for what seemed like hours, I realized how stubborn I was being. I have a big ego, I'm a very proud person and I like handling and doing thing's myself. I don't do the whole "get help" thing.
But Madelane was right. The last two days have been hell. I've barely eaten anything, just an apple this morning and it was almost 5. And yesterday I did not eat, at all. JJ hasn't visited me, but I hear his voice everywhere I go. My anger had magnified to a mil, honestly this was not going to stop. Thing's were not improving for me, it was all going downhill. This could kill me. And I complain and cry about how helpless I am but I have the power to change that, to get better.
But do I take it? Nope.
Why? Because I'm an idiot.
In reality I was just scared, though I wont admit it. What would happen once I spoke, once I showed my scars? They'll think I'm crazy! They'll probably lock me up in one of those mental hospitals that my parents went too. Or one of those hospitals like in the movies. Okay, I know not everything you see on a black screen is real but still.
I skipped school yesterday and today. Today was Friday. I had caught up on extra work, gotten a couple of essay's in, all that. I can be all the fucked up I want, but no way in hell am I letting my grades slip. Not when I worked so hard to have the score I have now.
I heard footsteps coming near me but didn't turn around.
"This wont be any easier, so you can at least cooperate." A voice said. I sighed.
"Hello to you too, Mister Parker Anderson." I greeted, keeping my eyes on the view.
"Fucking look at me, Marie." He said in a hard voice and I flinched. I put a mask on my face, a veil so he coudint read me.
I turned around and gave him a blank stare. He looked pissed, dissapointed, frustrated and sad.
And the cause of it? Yours truly. Wonderful.
I had agreed to meet because whatever he wanted to talk about sounded urgent. Otherwise, I woudint have come. I made a silent decision of cutting Tyler off, for good. It had been a long time since we talked, I've been avoiding him lately and I think he found out. Hard not to, really.
"What do you want?" I asked coldly. I was secretly begging for there to be fisical contact, it had been so long.
I missed him, God how much I missed him.
His smile, his laugh, his jokes, the way he made me feel safe, even his scent.
"You know this is long overdue." He said, his arms crossed over his chest.
"Madelane said she gave you a choice, and she talked to me so I made sure you made the right one."
"Where the hell is Madelane?" I demanded.
"She's unavalible." He said simply.
Ok, now I was pissed. "Bullshit, tell me where she is." I said irritated, my voice getting higher.
He just shook his head.
I groaned, running my hands through my hair and almost yanking it off entirely.
"She's my fucking best friend." I said through clenched teeth.
"You treated her like shit, don't play the victim card here." He warned.
"I- It was just- I was- AGH!" I punched the wall, hard and repeatedly, making my knuckles throb with pain but I didin't care.
See? Anger to the a mil.
"Juniper, stop that." Tyler said and I immediately looked at him.
I probably broke something, dont know what though.
He took a step forward but I backed away.
"I just want to help you." He said, his gaze softenened a bit.
"I don't need or want any of your help. So why don't you get lost and stop bothering me?" I stated stubborningly, not even thinking about what I was saying.
Hello! Earth to Juniper!?
Tyler groaned, clearly irritated.
"Dammit Juniper, can't you see I care about you? Cant you see that? I fucking care! You've been avoiding me and you dont think that hurts?! After I told you about my mom, about my past, after hearing you say you supposedly loved me, where the hell did that all go?! Throw it all through the fucking window?! " He practically yelled.
Not gonna lie, he had a point. It was reall shitty of me to leave him, just after he told me something about him not many people know, if none. But instead of apologizing, of admitting my wrongs and all, I did what I always did. I deflected.
I laughed, the sound mean and bitter. "Please, your so dramatic. You should really follow daddy's advice, man up for once and leave me the hell alone." I mocked and he flinched.
"This isin't just about you, the world doesn't revolve around you, Juniper!" He yelled.
"Well it isin't about you either!" I yelled back
Realization flashed in his eyes, and he stayed silent.
"What do you want? Judge me some more? Is that why you called to meet? I can't believe I was so stupid, why did I even agree? You know what? Fuck you, go to hell, leave me alone. You dont understand, you- you just-" I coudint even finish.
I coudint even explain my thoughts let alone my own words.
"Admit it, your just a lost, confused bitch, who's to busy on cloud nine to accept help or advice from anybody. What, you think your someone above higher rank than humanity? Your just an insignificant girl, with too many mixt up feelings and a supposed condition." He said, taking a step towards me.
I felt like he had just slapped me, or thrown a bucket of cold water on me. Any of those options would have been better than what he actually did. My eyes almost popped out of there sockets. "Wh-What?" I stuttered, taking a step back. Had I just heard right?
"You don't have a condition, its all fake. You just want attention, its all just your regular drama that would go away the instant you get your ass whooped. " he continued, stalking towards me like a predator.
"Tyler, that's enough." I tried to make my voice sound strong and confident, but it falterd a bit, giving my cover away.
"You just can't handle the pressure. The problem with you is that one tiny little thing goes wrong and you instantly want to die. And it can be something so non-important and insignificant, but its something you can't handle. And when you can't handle something, you whine about it." He was getting closer and I was running out of space.
"Tyler." I warned in a cold voice, but it was useless. My voice sounded fake even in my own ears.
"Your just a freak, too different from the rest to actually fit in like a normal human being would. There's too much wrong with you, why dont you just die alredy?" He asked and my heart broke. I felt liquid pouring out of my eyes without my consent.
"And you solve everything with crying. Why? Is that going to solve your problems, is it now, little girl?" He asked mockingly.
I coudint believe this, how can he be so insensitive? After everything we've been through, after everything he witnessed, he did this?
"Tyler, stop. I swear, you will regret your words." I seethed, my cracking slightly.
"Am I? Will I really? What are you going to do about it huh? You cant even stand up for yourself. Let's invoke the spirit of your dead brother!" He said with fake enthusiasm.
"He's dead because of you, you watched him die and didint do nothing about it. Pathetic, but very predictable. What else can you expect when it comes to Juniper Marie Thompson." He was infront of me. So close.
"Your an asshole, a good for nothing bastard. Your mother would be ashamed-" I didint get to finish. He pushed me against the hard stone wall. I tried to shove him but he grabbed my hands and pinned them above my head. I went to kick him but he read my mind. He trapped my lower body with his and I was unable to move.
"See, that's what you do. You hold on to whatever insult you can muster, in hopes of making the other person feel just as bad as you do. You want them to feel just as raw, broken and lost. Because at the end of the day, that's how you feel and you dont know what to do with the feeling. You never know what to do with your pathetic little life." He said seriously, his eyes emotionless, empty. As the rest of his features were.
He was right. I make people feel what I'm feeling in the moment, sometimes even worse. I wanted relief, and it satisfied me to see people going through my pain.
Its my defense mechanism and its the reason I've survived this long.
I was looking for something, a motive, a reason, something hurtful to say. I wanted him to feel as hurt as I was feeling.
As misunderstood, confused, and lost.
He was right about everything, every single word down to the letter.
He was right, and I hated it, I hated it so much. Because up until now I was somewhat fine. But having the truth thrown at your face in the most harsh way possible has made me fall out of orbit.
I woudint have minded him telling me the truth or how he really feels. But can he at least be a little sensitive about it?
"You dont have to be a jerk about it." I said, my head high and straight in defiance.
He smirked.
"Of course I do, its truth is it not? No matter how you say it, it will never change. Dont you think?" He said, every word causing him to breath in my face.
I squirmed, wanting to get away from him but he held me in place.
"Aww what's wrong? Cat got your tounge?" He started to trace my jaw line with his finger but I jerked my head to the side.
"Feisty now are we?" He taunted and I blew out a breath.
"What do you want me to say? " I asked, looking at his guarded expression as my face became wet with tears. But I didn't feel them, I didn't even feel my heart beating.
He loosened his hold on me and I took the opportunity to shove him off me. Without another word, I grabbed my skateboard and slammed my headphones on. I skated all the way home, wich took me about 10 minutes or less. I got home and pulled up a chair. I sat in the dining room, thinking and waiting.
Tyler had revealed his true colors, and to say it hurt was an understatement. It felt like I was stabbed in the back with a sword and the tip was still stuck. I deserved it, It would be very hypocrite of me so deny it and I probably sound like im victimazing myself but I coudint help it.
I coudint help wanting to cry wen I felt so helpless.
I was being irrational and stupid, and it was going to stay that way unless I did something about it.
"Juniper, pumpkin what happened to your hands?" Aunt G asked, looking at my swollen red knuckles. I looked up at her through my tears. When had she gotten home?
"We need to talk." I said, my voice hoarse, my anxiety going haywire.
Aunt G gave me a concerned look and suddenly something inside of me snapped.
"Are you okay? " she asked me.
"No, im not okay and the truth is that I haven't been for a while. " I sighed. "There's something I need to tell you, actually a lot of something's." I said. She sat down, cautiously holding my gaze.
I shrugged my jacket off to reveal my arms. Aunt G looked at my wrist and gasped. She gently touched the scar with her fingertips and quickly drew her hand back .
"..why?" She managed to say, tears falling from her eyes.
I smiled sadly, courage coursing through my veins, and began explaining.
--------------------------------
My phone beeped and the screen lit up, giving light to my darkroom.
I grabbed it to see I had a message from Tyler. I swiped the notification away. Unlocking my phone, I went to his chat, not even glancing at what he'd said, and archived it. I turned the screen off and started at the ceiling.
Game over. Everything, and I mean everything, had come to the light.
On my next appointment, I would see Linda. Aunt G had called her after I told her everything that has happened with me. When I was done explaining, she pulled me in for a hug. There were no words needed. I had her support and her love, despite it all. And right in that moment, that's just what I needed.
The events that would follow the meeting were uncertain.
Anything could happen. But I was ready for it, I had no choice.
"Time's up, Krissy." I heard a voice whisper. However, I ignored it. Having enough drama for one day, I drank my medication and fell asleep.
--------------------------------
Moral: be nice to people and dont say anything that you woudint want other people telling you. Be nice, be friendly. The best thing you can give a person is your kindness. And if somoene is upset, be there for them. It doesn't matter if your a stranger, just help out and treat everyone just as you want to be treated.
I promise to try and be more active.
Light's out for me.
-Ali
Edited