↞[Ken]↠
Two days. Only two days were left until homecoming. And everyone walking by in the hallway had their hands full with banners, ribbons, and posters. Excitement exuded from their voices as they discussed the theme of homecoming. The elation was higher because our school had won the basketball game. I was supposed to be a part of that happiness. I wanted to.
And at the same time... I did not want to be here. I didn't want to think someone would be putting their arms around Luke on Sunday. He'd take someone to the dance, and that someone won't be me. The thought felt so... wrong. But it was the bare truth; there had been people before me. There will be people after me. I was just another one in the line.
I stopped in front of my locker. The same place I heard him tell a girl that he and I were not together — only a running line of deserted judgments in my head. Luke pushed me away every time he reeled me closer. I felt nothing more than a doll attached to his strings. Even now, he was controlling those strings, because even now, all I thought about was him.
People lied when they said that things got better with time. To put it plainly, I felt empty, a strange disassociating numbness. I was too tired to give more and think more.
The human brain reaches a weird exhausted stage when you over-push it, beyond the boundaries; I had reached that stage. I simply didn't have any energy left to feel anything.
I opened my locker door, staring at the books, and the timer on my watch went off. I pushed a button to stop the irritatingly loud beeps and took out my pill bottle from my pocket. Christie and I decided to change the pharmacy from time to time to avoid "mistakes" on the refill. But I knew better. I knew store-hopping would make it harder for them to alter anything. Luke thought he'd be saving me by breaking away from me. He was saving no-one, only putting us in more danger.
Placing a single pill on my palm, I examined it between my fingers to make sure it was the same one. Maybe, just maybe, I can convince him to work together to get to the bottom of his nightmares and this stalking.
I popped the tablet in my mouth and gulped it down without water. Its corners jabbed my throat and dryly went down, leaving a bitter aftertaste. I kept reasoning with myself to go back to Luke. It was getting old now. But how was I supposed to take out the images of his bruises forming? Or the feeling of his arm around me that whole night we slept together?
I guess I was just supposed to live with it.
I closed the locker door without taking out anything. I had forgotten why I opened it in the first place. I had no class, and the last bell had rung for lunch-break.
"You're stupid if you expected it to last forever," a voice behind me called out, making me turn around.
Her shoes made no sound as the girl twirled the pink string of her hoodie on her forefinger. "You shoulda' kept an extra battery," she spoke into her panda-cased phone, stuck to her ear. She walked past me without paying any attention.
The heavenly signals were getting very annoying at this point. I groaned in frustration and made my way to the cafeteria. The crowd was very scattered there too. I quietly sat down on an empty table and took out my headphones.
Metal? Death metal. Very edgy, I know but I wanted to get rid of all the sounds around me. Again, not a lot of people were around but it was still annoying.
I didn't feel relaxed when the singer started screaming in my ears, but it drowned out all the noises around me. The buzzing in my head was slowly fading out and being overshadowed by the loud music. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. He was singing about the afterlife or cats with laser eyes. I was not sure what was happening, but it kept all the sounds out and turned my brain to mush.
A loud slap on the table in front of me broke my stance. I opened my eyes and looked back at Bella, sitting in front of me with a tray full of food. How did she manage to be louder than the death metal in my ears?
Bella was the last person I wanted to see. Second last. I hoped that she was here to complain about how I was skipping the homecoming meetings and not anything else. But that was only wishful thinking. I knew better, and right now, nothing happened the way I wanted.
As the lyrics took a drastic turn and began screaming about war massacres, Bella tapped her finger on her ear, gesturing me to remove my earphones. As I did so, all the noises returned, and so did the low buzzing in my head. Keeping the cordless headphones on the table, I smiled at her. Too broad, I think, because her eyebrow shot up incredulously, and she pushed the tray of food in my direction.
The metal tray scraping lazily against the flimsy plastic table made me cringe. "Eat," Bella demanded.
"Bella!" I said with a false falsetto in my voice, and a smile twitching the corners of my lips because of the sheer force I was putting on them. "You look super today! Turns out—" I placed my hand on the tray and pushed it towards Bella, ignoring the contents within it. "—I'm not very hungry."
She stopped the tray with a firm grip and leaned forward with a threatening glare. "Ken, you will fucking die," she said through gritted teeth. "This is no way to deal with a problem."
"What problem?" I swallowed hard and put on a tough face. "Not having an appetite?" I tried to sound as oblivious as I could. Bella was not stupid. She probably knew what was up through her best friend. Why the fuck was she bothering me then? Maybe taking pity on me. The same way everyone else did.
My stomach twisted then, making me light-headed. "Plus, I feel sick. Can you like, not?" I, too, put my hand on the other end of the tray to stop it from getting any closer to me. The sweet stench was causing an upheaval in my gut.
"Okay, but stop avoiding me. At least you can talk to me. Luke does not," she said as her lips curled downwards. "He's not talking at all, Ken. It's been a whole week." Her head drooped down an inch, and she placed her palms against her face, elbows resting on the edge of the table.
An uneasy beating strummed in my heart when I heard his name. Without replying, I helplessly stared at her slouched figure. Luke is avoiding everyone?
"Please, at least tell me what happened? You're both killing yourselves and avoiding everyone." She looked back up with an exhausted expression.
I gave a humorless laugh. "Isn't it obvious, Bella?" I wasn't sure what I was implying here. Surely, I wasn't the first person to fall for Luke Raynott, only to get dumped.
Emily's words came rushing back, a trail of broken hearts. "Add mine to the list," I thought bitterly. I did not want to talk about him or hear his name. I preferred thinking that nothing ever existed between us, and Bella was totally ruining it right now.
"No, Ken. I'll be honest, it's not obvious. Did you break things up? Because when he breaks up, he really does not give a single shit."
I hysterically stared at her. "I'd never break things with him. Bella, I-I..." I stopped myself there, unsure what I was about to say. Or scared to even admit it to myself.
She sighed and placed her head in her palm. "This is horrible. I wanna die because you guys won't stop acting like kids," she said.
That is when I picked up the plate of food and placed it down on the table beside me. Just the sight of food was enough to make me retch. The stench wasn't helping either. Choosing to sit in the cafeteria was a mistake. Everything I was doing felt like a mistake.
"Ken, look at me," she demanded, making me stare at her face. "Day after tomorrow is the homecoming."
"Yeah, I am aware," I said while pushing down the whole idea of being with him on homecoming. Trying to push it away.
"No, you don't get it. Luke was the Homecoming King last year. I need him there tomorrow to crown the new King. It's a fucking tradition."
"Why are you telling me this?" I felt annoyance poke my head. The more I ran away from Luke, the more his presence orbited around me.
"It's obvious that you both are not going until I solve the thing between you. Which I can't until you tell me in detail, what happened on the night after the game?" Bella crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back. She was determined to help. I was just beginning to understand Bella; I knew that the "Homecoming King" was an excuse.
When my mind went back to the night, I felt my eyes sting with tears again. I clenched my teeth to stop them from spilling. Shit, has it really been a whole week? I didn't even know how all of this time just passed. Looking back, there was nothing. Nothing happened after he left me. The days were hazy and mixed up. There was no new memory, just the pain from that night. I couldn't believe how important he was to me until he left me.
"Are you listening? Hey," she said and placed her warm hand on top of mine. "Talk about it, Ken. It'll help you."
It won't. In no way, shape or form, I see it helping me. Forgetting was so much easier. Pretending was so much better, the same way he had been playing. I didn't even know which part he was pretending.
I thought about stalling for a while or just being silent until she gave up. But her dull blue-green eyes maintained an unwavering contact with mine. A few countable and heavy seconds passed, and she remained rooted to the cause. I gave up and let out a heavy sigh. There was no point in beating around the bush.
"He said that he was using me to get over Alison and that he can't hurt me anymore than this," I said in a single breath, the last line bringing back the faint stinging in my eyes. I cautiously skipped the part of him speaking to not put me in danger.
Bella's lips parted, and the frown did not leave her forehead — only creased. Silently, she squeezed my hand. Her slim fingers on top of mine were colored with a strip of yellow sunshine. "What—"
Her voice was cut off by an empty tray crashing down on our table, making me retreat my hand in a hurry. A girl flung herself down on the vacant chair. Her frizzy curls exotically bounced with the movement, and caramel eyes locked with mine. Alison. Speak of the devil.
"A reason for interruption, Haynes?" Bella said, her lips curling back in a snarl. She was really scary. After what Alison had pulled off with Brandon, it was safe to say that Bella wasn't her biggest fan anymore.
"Save your voice Bells. I heard the conversation between you two," Alison chirped with a cheeky smile on her face as her glance danced between the two of us.
"Do you want a pat on your back?" Bella said while staring down at the other girl. I felt an urge to get up and leave, but I felt too tired to move and hoped that they would just ignore me. But judging from Alison's condescending glances at me, I was not safe.
"No," she drawled and looked sideways at Bella with the same smile on her glossed lips. "How 'bout a 'please, Alison, talk to Luke and convince him to be in homecoming because only you can.'" Alison pushed back the chair with her heel, and tipped backward, still smugly smiling at Bella.
"I don't need your fucking help. What even makes you think that Luke will listen to you?"
"Um," she made a fake thinking noise and upturned her palm. "The fact that Luke and I dated for over six months. Or the fact that he admitted being with the Asian was to get over me, which he clearly has not."
I swallowed thickly. Alison was right. Right now, she was more help to Bella than I could ever be. God, I just wanted to run away, and my feet twitched to get up and walk. The reek from the empty tray was the salt on my wound. What the hell was the canteen even serving today? My eyes surveyed Alison's half-eaten plate in front of me. Chicken nuggets, ketchup — the worst smelling item, a half-peeled banana, and a box of sweet milk. My stomach twisted.
"This is between Luke and Ken. You've already done enough damage, Haynes," Bella spat out with as much hatred as the girl could put in those words.
Alison's smile faltered then, and she straightened her chair. A frown teased her olive skin as she spoke in a less disdainful but a mellow voice. "You think I hurt him intentionally? Like I plotted the whole disaster and watched it take him down?" Her eyes watched me in a fleeting second. "Ask the Asian kid, I tried stopping Brandon."
Bella gritted her teeth. "I'm sure the dumb jock didn't have an epiphany."
Alison threw her a dry smile, and I suddenly felt bad for her. She was not lying right now. While I did not know how Alison and Luke's relationship had been, I knew that she was the only girl who stayed with him the longest after his ex's incident. He even stayed monogamous and faithful to Alison. All of this until Brandon. "You wouldn't understand. You're looking after your best friend, and that's all you do."
"What do you mean?" she asked, surprised.
"Forget it." Alison stood up, pushing the God-awful stench into my nose. "I'm going to talk to Luke. I cannot see him this way." She looked at me more sympathetically now. "You shouldn't have stepped in between," she said in an apologetic voice. I glanced down from her face, heat rising to my cheeks. I had reached a dead-end and felt alienated amongst the two girls.
It should have never been me that day.
The cheap cafeteria chair scraped behind me as I stood up. Without responding to Bella's questions rapidly hurtling towards me, I picked my headphones up and started out of the hall. My guts were twisting over each other at this point. The air drastically changed from the smell of spices and ketchup to chemical Lysol, and a hand wrapped around my upper arm.
"Ken, wait," Bella said. "Shit, are you okay?"
Acid touched my throat, and I retched, doubling over and balancing on Bella's arm. "UGH," was all I could muster while holding the vomit in.
"Shit. Shit. Shit," Bella chanted as she pulled me with her in the direction of the washrooms. And within seconds, I was pushed into one of the narrow dark green stalls. The door closed behind me, locks clanging against the wood, as I spilled my guts into the toilet. The one piece of white bread I had in the morning with orange juice came back with a putrid vengeance.
I shouldn't have increased the dosage without consulting my doctor. I groaned in pain as I flushed the toilet without looking at the puke. Holding my stomach protectively, I opened the stall door and saw Bella waiting for me with her hands crossed over her chest and fingers impatiently scrapping her lower lip.
"Jesus! Are you okay? Should I take you to the infirmary?" she asked in a panic, rushing after me as I walked to the sink.
"Nah, I'm fine." I turned the faucet. "I think," I mumbled and bent down to wash my mouth, feeling way better as nausea subsided and cold water filled my insides.
"Okay, good. So can you hurry up now? We need to go and find Luke," she said as I gargled water and cupped more in my palms to splash it onto my face. Everything felt gross.
"Or we just drop the topic?" I turned to her with unsheathed frustration. Anger rushed through my veins, and not only at Luke, at everything. The whole situation was messy, and half of the people did not even know the extent of Luke's nightmares. "He does not want me near him, Bella. And I—" I took a deep breath. "I cannot do this anymore."
I had avoided him for too long, and I did not want to break my streak. And at the same time, I want to see him so badly. My calm was cracking under pressure. With so many emotions bubbling at once, I was glad that I wasn't breaking down right now.
Bella opened her mouth to speak again, but the washroom door opened with a long squeak, and a guy walked inside. It was George, one of my team members. His eyes fell on Bella and he jerked back with visible surprise. "Miss President!" he drawled the words, and a half-smile pulled the corner of his lips. "Whacha doin' in the boys' washroom? Are ya lost?"
He looked at me then, his smile growing smugger. "Oooh," George sang in an annoying voice, making me roll my eyes at the clear enunciation. "But aren't ya gay, Ken? From what I heard about you and Raynott..."
My cheeks heated in embarrassment. "I- n-no, it's not what you think!"
"Shut your trap, George. I don't even like standing a foot near this filthy hole. I came here to help Ken while he puked his guts out," she said.
"Oh." He pouted in disbelief. "Anyway, you should leave," he said and crossed his arms.
"Don't have to tell me twice. By the way, have you seen Luke?" Bella asked him as she opened the washroom door. I closed the tap and followed her lead, eager to get out before anyone got more ideas, and new rumors started floating around. My sexuality had already spread around as if someone had handed out fliers. There were more xenophobes than homophobes, though.
"Yah, last I saw, he was sulking by the library. He was lookin' like a zombie. Who hurt him?" he said and glanced between the two of us innocently.
"Shut up, George, or you'll get hurt," she responded and grabbed my hand to pull me out of there.
George said something in reply, but I couldn't hear it as the door closed behind us.
"We're going to the library," she stated and tightened her grip around my wrist.
I didn't want to face him, I wasn't ready. I tried to free my hand, but the puking and everything else had broken my strength.
"I don't think it's a good idea. I can't even stand properly," I protested, but Bella was an unstoppable force. "Bella, please," I pleaded and jerked my arm again. She stopped this time and sighed.
"Ken, listen to me," she said and turned to me with a more serious tone. She always sounded serious so, an extra-serious tone. "I know I'm pushy but it's for a reason. I know Luke inside-out." She started walking forward and I unwillingly followed her lead.
"I told you... back in the cafeteria. Luke does not give a shit when he cuts off with people. Anyone. And I mean it." Bella was defending and looking out for him like a best friend would, but I was scared of getting involved. I was frightened of hearing more. Luke had made his words brighter than daylight.
"I know. Luke told me about his ex-girlfriend." If he did not care about checking back to see what happened to that girl, why on Earth would he give a shit about me?
"He did?" Bella's voice came out in a shock. "He never talks about that girl. Even with me." There was a small pause before she continued, and I did not let my mind wander too long on that trivial detail. Though it managed to toil my heart.
"It was a three-year-long relationship," Bella said, "and an even longer friendship." She scoffed. "He knew her before he even knew me. When he found out the whole shit — it wasn't a pretty scene," she said in a low murmur. "I know, it sounds like I'm excusing his actions. It's not fair what he did to you. It's disgusting if he meant those things, but Ken," she said and paused again, stopping in her steps.
"What?" I asked her disbelievingly. She wasn't there when it happened. She did not hear his cold voice puncturing through my skin and seeping in like a frost-wound.
"He did not mean it. I saw him, and he looked..." Bella shook her head, trying to find the right words. "Broken."
"That doesn't change a lot, does it?" I mumbled. I wanted to believe he cared that there was still a chance but at the same time, I was not confident about getting my hopes up. Crashing down from a high place hurts more.
At least, my disappointment will be less.
She heaved a sigh and said, "Yeah, well, you'll have to hear that part from him only. What I can tell you is that Luke is an airhead, he always blames himself. He thinks he is responsible for everything. And oh, my God," she exclaimed with excessive irritation. "It's so incredibly easy to put ideas in his head, even about himself. I've said this on his face too that he does a great job at not giving a fuck. Because when he does give a fuck, he overdoes it."
"Honestly, Bella, I don't know what you're talking about," I admitted. I was becoming anxious as we closed in the distance between him and us. Half of her words were getting dulled by my heartbeat loudly thumping in my ears.
"Then just trust me and watch him explain it yourself," she said when we finally reached the translucent glass door of the library. I couldn't see any movement inside.
"I- I'm not sure if—"
"Ken," she said and grabbed my shaky hand into hers. I wasn't angry anymore; I was scared — frightened to death.
She continued, "I've seen him with you, opening up and spilling himself. Your relation with him... it's... different. He's scared of you. You're breaking too many of his 'Rules of Dating after a Heart-Break.'" She smiled at me and pushed the library door.
Cool, AC breeze surrounded me, and the door shut behind us. I was more confused than ever, but I also wanted to believe Bella.
I want to believe him-and-I was real.
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