It has been two week's after Tyler's breakdown, two week's after I had my psychotic dream, two week's since my arm became scratched.
Two week's of me hiding.
Its been hard, especially wearing long sleeve shirts or wearing a jacket. Its hella hot outside.
Its early march, im currently on my last period, giving an oral presentation. About what? You may ask. Dont judge though, its for my humanity's class.
"Human." I scoffed, rolling my eyes slightly in good nature.
"Ms. Beckett assigned me this topic and I will admit, I was surprised. I expected something more... professional. Im sure none of you quite understand what im referring to and apologize. I tend to be bad at explaining myself or anything in general." I said, earning a few laughs from my classmates.
I sighed.
"Being human covers a lot of ground. We have blood, bones, cells, lungs, a heart. But being human is so much more. Its about who we are as an individual in society. Its about what we do in our breef lifetime, how we choose to spend our time here on earth. "
"It wont be perfect, mind you. You will make many mistakes" I laughed a bit, so I could ease and relax, "more than you will possibly count for there is no guide book, and you will even make the same mistake over and over again, no matter how many times you promise or swear you wont fall again. But its about that, falling into the same things and having to make a choice: you either choose to react the same way as before or you choose a different method. Its up to us to decide. So, to finalize this; what does the concept 'being human' stand for?"
"It stands for being a beautiful mess, a labyrinth that is painted with many colors. Being human means falling, making mistakes, going through bad experiences but its also about learning from them, and being a better person because of them. For you, and for yourself. Thank you." I finally finished.
I was the least person to be talking about this but, oh well.
My classmates cheered for me and clapped as to what a sheepishly thanked and sat down. The bell rang and everyone bolted. As I was walking out the door, Ms. Beckett called me back. I went over to her.
"May I ask, why did you assign me such topic?" I asked and she smiled.
"Because you have a voice, Juniper. You just need to use it. And this right here, is my way of pushing you so you can start discovering it." She said and I smiled at her.
"Have a good day, Ms. Beckett." I said, making my way towards the door.
"Like wise, child." She said and I gave her a final wave as I exited to classroom.
And nearly bumping into someone.
"Holy shit! You scared me!" I exclaimed, feeling my heart going into my stomach.
"That was quite a show, Shakespeare. Careful now, you may be going soft." The voice said, making me come back to reality.
Dressed in a long sleeve gray crop top, jeans and silver sandals, with her blue hair in a pony tail and her blue eyes sparkling with excitement, Madelane stood infront of me with a grin.
I immediately ran up to my best friend and tackled her in a hug, almost making us fall.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I exclaimed and she laughed.
"Its been ages since we hung out, you totally bailed one community service. What's your excuse gonna be?" She said raising an eyebrow.
"Umm, let me think. I was too depressed to get out of bed?" I half joked although it was kid of true. I was still mostly in shock due to the previous events.
Mad's laughed. "Go cry that to my mom." She said as she linked her arm in mine and we walked out of the school and towards her car.
"Well, im kidnapping you for the rest of the day. So you have no excuses and I'm not taking no for an answer." She said as we got in her car.
"Sorry Ms. Homeschool'd brat. Seriously, that and your latest Instagram story of your trip to Starbucks, hate to say it but your turning into a white privileged bitch." I teased, putting my seatbelt on. She just gave me the middle finger and I laughed like a maniac.
I loved hanging out with Mad's, I forgot how fun it was. We haven't spend time toguether in so long. We basically texted, called and bothered the hell out of each other every single day.
I was beyond grateful for her.
"Have I told you how much I love you, Maddie?" I asked as she drove into town.
"Yeah, yeah, what do you want Juniper? " she asked.
"I just want your love! "I singed at the top of my lungs and Mad's had no other choice but to burst out laughing.
~
So, we went and got a new look, finally! After so long of complaining, Mad's dyed her hair a auburn blondish shade. Me? Added a little black so know half of my hair is silver and the bottom raven black.
We were currently sitting on the ledge on the roof of Madelane's grandma's coffee shop, with dozens of bags in the trunk of Mad's car, watching the sun set.
"I missed this." I sighed, feeling the fresh air on my face and ruffle my hair
"Same." She said at me.
I was slightly nervous though. The reason I had been avoiding the date for quite a while now was because I didn't want to come clean. Madelane knew me very well. She understood my silences, the meaning behind every face I made, why sometimes I coudint stand still and was always twitching. She truly is my best friend, notices more than I giver her credit for. I havent told her anything of what is happening with me. Like Tyler, I told her all about my family history and everything that has been going on, my condition and all that. But recent events? I haven't.
"So, how've you been?" She asked without glancing at me.
"I've been fine, quite good actually." I said, which wasen't entirely a lie.
She looked at me with a serious stare.
"Dont bullshit me around, Juniper." She warned and I stayed silent.
She sighed and rubbed her hands.
"Tyler called me." She added and I jerked up.
"And he had a lot to say."
"Come again?" I asked, trying to play dumb.
"Marie!" She hissed. She only called me that when she was pissed.
"Do you not trust me?" She asked, sounding hurt.
I looked over to her and placed my hand on top of hers.
"Don't ever think that. I trust you with my life, your like a sister to me or worse, a mother." I said wich made her laugh a little.
She took her glasses off and grabbed both of my hands.
"Don't think I haven't seen you lately. You've been avoiding, and in person your too cheerful, the kind of that makes you cringe." She said and I sighed.
"That bad?" I asked and she nodded.
"What's going on J?" She asked me. "I'll do whatever I can to help."
"What did Tyler say?" I asked.
"He told me how you broke up with him out of the blue, that you tried unsuccessfully to keep your distance and that something happened last week, something bad. He didn't say what, he told me that it would be your story to tell. "
"At least." I said and Mad's wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
"He's just worried about you, that boy lives to see you smile. He loves you, Juniper. He's a keeper." She said and I nodded
"I alredy know that, Madelane. I just... I don't want to hurt him, I don't want him or anybody else getting in too deep. Tyler always try's to help, he's too good. He shoudint even be associated with me." I said and out of the corner of my eye I saw her frown.
"Why would you say such a thing?" She asked.
I said nothing and made up my mind.
"Give me a minute." I said and positioned myself so we were face to face.
I shrugged my jacket off and gave her my wrist. She gasped. It was mostly almost healed but the angry red marks were there.
"I had a psychotic dream and blacked out. I woke up with this and a sharp object in my hand with a bloody edge, my blood." Was all I said as she continued to inspect my arm.
After a minute of feeling self conscious and not wanting to torture myself, I put my jacket on again.
Madeline was teary eyed.
"Juniper." She said, still in shock.
"Its gotten worse ya know. I cant eat anything without wanting to puke so I just don't eat, Aunt G say's that I've been screaming in the middle of the night because of how bad my nightmares are even though I have no recollection of them, Tyler keeps calling and trying to reach out but I just cant bring myself to respond." I sighed.
"Madelane, it feels like im losing everything, I dont know what else to do with myself. I might as well be better of dead." I said without thinking.
I didn't mean it, it just kinda slipped out.
"Juniper! Dont you dare say something like that ever again!" She almost yelled at me.
"Why not? This isin't living! This isin't how I want to live my life! Constantly being tormented by my past and by myself, I can't do this anymore! Im tired, im sick of it!" I yelled as I stood up and threw my hands in the air.
Madelane said nothing as she walked towards me. She tried to reach out and take my hand but I took a step back, making her halt. I didn't deserve her support.
I deserved to be alone.
I had promised myself I was going to fight the darkness, but I didn't feel any more fight in me. I was in the dark, where I belonged. And I wasen't getting out anytime soon.
"Juniper, you have to let her go." Madelane said making me jerk my head up.
"That little girl, the one who saw her brother die, who witnessed as her father drowned pill after pill and slowly killed himself, who put up with a complicated woman and forced herself to call her mom, who went through so much, who somehow blames herself for everything bad that happened in her life and continues to do it, you need to let her go, you need to let yourself go." she said and I looked at the floor.
"Let her go, let her spread her wings and love her, love yourself, accept yourself and your past." She repeated in a soft, almost desperate tone, but I just shook my head.
"I cant!" I yelled, feeling anger bubbling within me.
"She was so immature, so clueless, she didint realize what she did, the monster she created. Now I have to deal with her mess, suffer for her choices-"
"What choices?" Madelane cut me off, her eyes glazing over slightly as she blinked rapidly.
"Juniper, you were so young when this happened. You had no control over any of this, you didn't ask for it. Your not God!" She said to me.
She took my hands in hers and this time I let her.
"You have suffered so much, been inflicted pain and endured it for so long. Your attached to the past and it haunts you! Your father haunts you, your brother haunts you, the voices, the shadows, they dont let you function. If you keep sitting on the side lines and watch this all happen, its game over. Your stuck in a living hell that will only get worse unless you do something to stop it."
"Do you want that?" She asked and I shook my head no.
"Why?"
"If I loose myself, I loose everything. I've lost too much. I lost my father, I lost my brother, I lost my self love, I lost my memories. " I said, my head lowered in shame.
"I don't know what to do." I whisperd painfully.
"Your condition is getting worse and your not doing anything to prevent it. Sweetie, you need help. You need to speak up, come clean about all of this. You aren't going to get any better." She said to me and ran my hands through my hair.
"I can't." I said, moving away from her. That made her more angry.
"For God sake, Juniper. What are you waiting for?! Just sit around around until it kills you?" She yelled at me, wich only fueled my own anger.
"Fuck, cant you see im scared? You have no idea how hard this is for me. Its fucking scary! One wrong move and its lights out, im stuck in the dark. I cannot do anything to jeopardize my safety, because fyi, thing's could be WAY worse at this point. I am doing what I have to do to survive, Madelane. Something you dont fucking understand!" I sneered at her.
"Dont cuss at me, Juniper." She warned.
"Don't tell me what to do!" I shot back. "Come clean? They'll lock me up in a teenage help center, just like my parents!"
"I am trying to help!" She yelled.
"Well your not, I have it under control-"
"For how long?" She cut me off, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Until you have another attack? Until you black out again? Look at your arm! Your hurting yourself, and you wont stop, it wont stop. Unless you get off your ass, stop being a coward and do something about it."
I said nothing and stared at the floor. She was right, I hated she was right.
"I'm giving you an ultimatum: either you tell your Aunt what's going on so she can tell your therapist or I will." She stated.
I didn't say anything, I was too focused in not breaking down.
"You have 24 hours." She said.
"If you were really my friend, you would give me the space to do it myself, when I see fit." I spat, rather angry.
"Don't you see? This, Tyler trying desperately to not loose communication or contact, we are doing this because we love you Juniper."
"Your only making it worse." I whisperd.
"Frankly, I would rather see you locked up in some mental hospital then having to attend your funeral and crying over your casket." She said bitterly, making me flinch.
"Take me home." Was the only thing I said, walking past her and opening the doors to the stairs.
--------------------------------
We drove in silence. The car ride seemed long. Once we finally got home, I hopped off and got my bags from the trunk and slammed it shut. I went and opened the front door, got in the house and locked it, not saying goodbye to Madelane. I threw all the bags in my room, not caring. I was simply raging.
I went through the back doors into the stables, where I kicked the hay bales, punched the wood and tried to destroy everything in my path. After 10 minutes, I fell to the floor, leaning against the door to Nightingale's stall. And I cried. I cried until I had no more left in me, I cried for how loss I was feeling, I cried because I was scared, I didn't know what to do, I felt hopeless, weak, sad, angry and betrayed.
I was mad, mad at the world, mad at life, mad at the circumstances for taking everything away from me.
My family,
My best friend,
My lover,
My happiness.
I was mad at myself for ruining everything.
I cried for what seemed like hours, wanting to get rid of all the sorrow I felt inside me.
But no matter how much I screamed, or sobbed or how much I tried to let everything out, the pain in my chest never subsided.
It demanded more, and somehow my mental breakdown was never enough.
Nightingale leaned down and put her head on top of mine. She wined at me while I gasped for air. I stood and caressed her head. I opened her door and sat next to her. She layed on the floor, so I could lean on her. She looked at me, and she seemed worried. She wined again and I smiled weakly.
"Its okay." I chocked out. "Its okay girl."
It wasen't. Nothing was okay.
It felt like my world was falling apart.
And I was the only one to blame.
--------------------------------
This will be one of rare times I have the guts to share my personal feelings in detail.
Juniper doesn't want to come clean, however I will confess something.
Writing has always been my way to let of steam. It was the only thing keeping me sane when I got bullied in freshman year, when the people I called friends became stranger's , when I got stuck in a toxic relationship I coudint get myself out of, when my self esteem became low, when I felt like I had nobody, when I felt lonely, misunderstood, broken and worthless.
To this day and probably for the rest of my life, I suffer from depression, anxiety and constant panic attacks.
I started this book in January out of sheer boredom and not having the slightest idea of what the hell I was doing. All I knew is that I had this great plot for a story, something way out of my comfort zone and I wanted to take it one step ahead. I remember telling the main idea to my closest friends and there reactions were the same: shock. "How can you write something so morbid?" They would ask. Something that went against my personality and is the opposite of who I am.
So I started writing it and was shocked to see that within the first week, with only the prologue and the first two chapter's up, I reached 100 reads and got a ranking, my first ever ranking. I was beyond happy. I didn't think I would reach 10 reads and 5 votes tbh.
As time went by, and the story began to shape itself , Dark Mind became something more than just the first person narrative of a semi emo girl with a dysfunctional life. It became my escape, from reality, from everything.
It became a place where I could express myself freely and say everything I could not say because of who I was in the real world and because of how judgemental society was and still is.
It became a place where I could talk freely about my mental health, about my feelings wich seemed all over the place and not having to bother if people understood me or not.
Like any other human, I have had many ups and downs. That's why I portray myself in Juniper, a lot. I can relate to her feelings and understand her when nobody else does. She is misunderstood beyond words, just like I was once upon a time. And sometimes I still feel that way.
I want to use this book, and this platform, to spread awareness, to give a voice to people who dont have one. To use my experiences and my voice to help other's. To be able to inspire someone who is scared to talk about what there going through and speak up, to give strength to the ones who need it. To come out of the closet, in a way. So if there is anyone and I mean anyone going through the dark twist and turns of life, or anybody who is losing hope on him or herself, in other's and in life, please do message me.
I know what its like to feel like you wont be able to live to see tomorrow and If I can help somoene not feel like I did, or give them the tools to manage it, I will feel happy. Because no one deserves to feel that way.
It is very cliche, from day one that has been my primal thought. But sometimes, you gotta take the leap without knowing if you'll survive the fall.
And you cannot, under no circumstances, judge a small town girl for dreaming big.
Anyways, back to your programmed schedule, dont forget to vote and let me know your thoughts in the comments.
Stay positive, stay happy and stay strong people. Until the next one.
-Ali
Edited