Songkarn couldn't believe that it really happened. Just yesterday, he thought of never wallowing in sadness. In regret. In pain anymore. He couldn't make himself walk away. Was this really love? Did Henry truly love him? What was this curse really? If he did love him... What scared him to this extent that he would go to almost every absurd direction to get rid of the guy he loved.
"Songkarn?" Henry was looking for him.
Songkarn had stepped onto the rooftop which made one think that he was all alone in this world. Especially in the darkness of the night. No soul to feel, no other building to see in the pitch-black night. Songkarn stepped onto the landing of the roof. Was this fate? Will the fortunate really be favored this time? But for how long?
"I was afraid you had left. That it had all been a dream." Songkarn felt him. Henry put his arms around his waist and pressed himself tight against his back. The face that leaned onto his bare shoulder was damp. From sweat? From tears? How bad was this affecting Henry? Maybe if Songkarn looked closer, he would find some cracks in that perfect smooth stone facade of his.
"Did you mean it, Henry?"
"You can call me Anurak. It feels good when you call me that." he loosened his grip a bit. Songkarn turned around and looked at Anurak's face. "I did. I do love you."
"Why all this then? Did you know I would come to you? This project is your doing, isn't it? The feel was so right when I read it. Was it for a thrill? Or is it something more?"
"You are right. It is my brainchild. I might have been thought of you when I wrote it. No, I am always thinking of you so there's actually no doubt." Henry let go of him and stepped away. His eyes strayed into the darkness of the night. Songkarn could only sense where they were, but he could not see the intense regret and longing that were looming above Henry.
"I didn't know you would be the one reading it, or rather that you would come here. I never imagined it. If I would have known beforehand, I would have never shown myself... Though, I would have looked at you, from afar." Anurak stepped into the light and Songkarn could see the tears flowing down his face.
"It wasn't for the thrill. It's not easy for me!" Anurak stepped forward and held onto Songkarn's arms. "I know you have been through hell. But do you have any idea what I've been through? Do you have any idea what staying away from you has cost me? Songkarn this is as close as I can let you come." He wiped his tears and leaned his forehead onto Songkarn's shoulder. Songkarn had gone totally still. He was barely breathing. Will it come now. Another blow to his heart, to his life?
"Can you do one thing for me?"
Songkarn felt breathless. What now? He couldn't answer. He could only nod while Henry still didn't lift his head. Finally, Henry sighed and raised his head.
"You can never ask me about the curse again. Nothing. If you do, I will leave at that second and make it impossible for you to find me ever again. Can you agree to this?" Anurak's gaze was piercing. He absolutely needed Songkarn to agree and he was conveying his pleading soul through that one steady fixed look. Songkarn did not trust his voice. His wish was so close to fulfillment, so he nodded again. To his distraught Anurak shook his head.
"No, this won't do. You have to promise me. I have to be able to believe you. Please." He was so adamant and strong. Yet, his need betrayed his fear and uncertainty.
Songkarn swallowed once, twice. "I promise."
Anurak closed the short distance that separated them. Until his body, which was clad only in sweatpants, pressed against Songkarn's, no distance between them. The look of desperation gone from his eyes. It looked like they had been apart for too long and there was so much to cherish, to discover. He wrapped his hands around Songkarn and it felt like he breathed him in. It felt weird. It definitely wasn't a normal embrace. Anurak held him like he wasn't sure how to handle him like Songkarn was a precious artifact. One hand curled around the nape of his neck and the other on his back. He whispered something, but Songkarn could not catch everything he said.
"Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the ..." But before he could think about it and ask about what Anurak meant, Songkarn was pressed so close, that he lost all logical ways of thinking. Anurak's teeth nibbled his ear and his fingers were massaging and caressing his back. Songkarn could only close his arms around Anurak's waist to hold himself on his feet. All the sensations made it hard for him to catch his breath quick enough. A moment later Anurak moved away from him, took a hold of his hand and led him back inside.
*
When Songkarn woke up in the morning and discovered himself alone in the hotel. He really wanted to scream. Understanding quickly that it had been another dream with all the people he loved. It had felt so miserable and sad that Songkarn felt his eyes moistening.
No, he couldn't let the dreams take over, not when he had just got Anurak back. Though he wasn't here yet and that might be the reason the dreams were resurfacing. Playing on his deepest fears. Everything they had talked in London. It seemed to be true and very much to be taken seriously. Songkarn couldn't let his lack of confidence ruin his own future. In the last few months, the dreams felt as real as the pillow under his cheek. They tortured him almost every night. There had been no Anurak to relax his mind, no hope for a different future with him.
Songkarn felt completely lost and the dreams took most of the strength he was supposed to pour into his work. Thankfully he had made it this far and now as he will soon be surrounded with Anurak's love for him. Though the transition from one state of mind to the other didn't appear to be as simple. Anurak had told him something about it taking time to move the management of the company to Bangkok. Also, he will have to travel between England and Thailand quite often. Songkarn wasn't interested in stopping Anurak if it meant they would be together in the real sense. Though he knew, there will have to be some patience involved in his part. In which he wasn't the best, but he would try anything if it helped them have a life together.
As Songkarn was concluding another day without Anurak a message came in. The blinking of his phone made him happy. No one else would call at this time of night. Songkarn grabbed the phone and called back as soon as he saw the message. Anurak was asking if he was still up.
"Of course, I'm still up. I've been waiting for you to call. For days, if you'd like to know."
Anurak chuckled darkly. "Well, it hasn't been easy for me either. But as we decided to be together, I wanted to finish all the necessary documents and manage all the important stuff as quickly as I could."
"Is it all done then? Are you coming back?"
"Almost, Songkarn. You just have to wait for a short while. I will be there, soon."
Songkarn couldn't say anything at once. He wanted to pout or throw a temper tantrum, anything that would show how frustrated he was. Songkarn only sighed and said the thing that he wanted to listen to and let Anurak know as often as he could.
"I just miss you and... I love you."
Anurak's sigh on the other side was almost heartbreaking.
"I love you too Songkarn. Don't miss me too much. You'll see me soon. I promise."
*
Songkarn couple of seconds to understand that somebody was behind him. A hand was draped around his waist and a warm breath was on his neck. Songkarn's heart felt like it would explode with absolute happiness and joy. He gently turned himself in Anurak's embrace who slept so deeply that he didn't even stir at the movement of Songkarn's body. When had he arrived? Songkarn was confused. Did he dupe him last night? Was this a joke? A surprise? Whatever it was, the annoyance in him didn't last for long. Songkarn was so ecstatic.
Had Anurak even slept in the last two weeks they had not seen each other? His eyes were covered with dark shadows, his hair were greasy. What had he been doing? Working himself into death just to be with him? Was he insane? As much as Songkarn knew, he couldn't die but he certainly could hurt and a lot at that.
Songkarn moved out of the bed and made some preparations. He ordered some meatball-wonton soup and organized his own workday so he could work from home. Also, he needed to make a phone call before he would wake Anurak up.
"Are you up? Can you talk?"
"Songkarn, I'm a respectable doctor, working almost every day in a hospital. Who do you think I am? Of course, I'm not up at 6 o'clock in the morning. Why would I be? I'm totally waiting for my alarm to go off... in 24 minutes!"
"Okay. But now you're up, right?"
Either curiosity or just simple love for his closest of friends made Lucas relent and ask what exactly made his friend wake up so early and call him.
"I have a friend. He hasn't been sleeping well for weeks. All dark circles. And I think he hasn't been eating well or almost nothing at all too. What's the most effective way to perk him up?"
"Songkarn, you have suffered from the same symptoms for years. If we are leaving eating problems out then you know that there is nothing except not stressing about your own life and stop worrying about stupid problems. Who is this friend of yours?" Lucas was getting suspicious of this call. Songkarn had no friends, who he didn't know about and in his knowledge, all of them were healthy and fine. When Songkarn didn't answer instantly, it got even more suspicious. Lucas was thinking of how to get the answers from him. when he was abruptly cut off. The call got disconnected. This only hardened his resolve to get the answers. Songkarn was his best friend after all.
'So, the only thing I can offer him is warmth and safety?' Songkarn thought as he stood in front of a window. He knew that he was already the one at a loss in this relationship when it came to recognizing the other person's needs. And now he was denied to ask about them too. Well, maybe not exactly about all of them, but still, it did make it uncomfortable and difficult. Songkarn had to think about every move, every word he would make if he decided to step over the lines Anurak had drawn. So, he had to move carefully. Whenever they were together, he couldn't let on that he was trying to find out the real truth. The reasons behind Anurak's bizarre behavior. Songkarn wasn't trying to find out just because he was curious, but he had a feeling that whatever Anurak was hiding was probably something he didn't want Songkarn to deal with for his own good. And it would probably be something that would in one or another way destroy Anurak himself either somehow mentally or the worst-case...
Songkarn didn't know how right his intuition was, but he had an idea that its deadline might not be too far. Because something obviously made Anurak more and more anxious.
When Songkarn heard the quiet knock on the door he was reminded of the food he ordered for Anurak. He lets the waiter in as they set the food in the dining room. He was surprised when he turned around and saw Anurak standing in the doorway.
"You should have waited until I woke you up. I had all this sweet kissing and lovingly waking you up planned. Now I can't do that anymore." Songkarn threw an extra pout into his expression. Anurak looked at him and laughed quietly.
"I missed you so much!" As he said it, he moved toward Songkarn and almost fell into his arms. If Songkarn hadn't seen the surprise on his face, he would have thought that Anurak did it on purpose. But he saw the expression crossing his face before it disappeared and Anurak quickly caught hold of him before he really fell.
"Anurak!? Are you okay?" He helped Anurak onto a chair and kneeled before him. Looked at his face and tried to understand, if there was anything he could do.
"Yeah. I'm fine. I guess the sleepless nights and my flight last night may have gotten me a bit unbalanced. Sorry if I scared you."
Songkarn looked at him seriously. "When was the last time you ate anything?"
"Will you be furious if I say that I don't remember?" Anurak looked at him sheepishly. "I'm sorry. I wanted to get here as quickly as possible and maybe forgot to take some meals. Let's eat before it gets cold and your temper ruins this perfectly laid out breakfast." He squeezed Songkarn's hand and turned to the table trying to hide his discomfort. He felt really bad for making Songkarn worried.
Songkarn took a chair next to his but didn't start eating. All he did was stare intently at Anurak.
"What's wrong? Why are you not eating?" Anurak asked after the silence had dragged out longer than he could stand it.
"I'm not eating until I see you eat something. I will never eat alone anymore!" Songkarn said with determination.
Anurak looked at him, smiling widely. "You know, you are the most precious person to me. I will never stop eating as long as you are with me. I don't want you to suffer for me ever again. Deal?"
Songkarn couldn't stop crumbling and Anurak watched him surprisingly. "What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?"
"No, not wrong. I just can't get over how weirdly sweet and cringe-worthy you can talk. I'm not sure if I get embarrassed or what's this feeling." Anurak watched him, wide-eyed before he started laughing loudly which of course made Songkarn furiously.
"All right, let's eat. Stop making me feel embarrassed." Songkarn took a spoonful of rice and pushed it in Henry's mouth.