Songkarn woke up intending to turn around but something stopped him. His fingers were laced together with Anurak's. Anurak wasn't letting go. He thought that it was by choice but as he searched for a sign of him being awake, he soon discovered that Anurak was still sound asleep. Songkarn observed him for a short while. He didn't look relaxed even in his sleep. There was tightness around his eyes and mouth. It made him look older than his appearance would usually imply. Songkarn thought that his real age was actually seen on his face, now that he knew about him. Especially in his mannerism and his actions. It always seemed like he was arrogant. But now it didn't feel to be the case anymore. Actually, it looked a lot like knowledge of age, deep understanding of how the world really revolved. Sometimes a bit of a smart-ass. Songkarn smiled at the thought.
Well, now he had to get away from this beautiful man and go, get himself mentally prepared. He wanted to know so much more. As a fairly smart man, Songkarn needed to make a plan. Not just everything he was curious about but also there was something he was obviously supposed to know. And it didn't feel like Anurak was willing to give him that knowledge. He needed to be smart about it. If he wanted to know even a small bit of it.
Anurak woke up from his sleep and looked around the room like he could not recall how he got there. Songkarn looked at him warily from the other side of the room. He tried hard to keep his tone casual when he started talking. "Is it your first time to sleep in another man's bed?" Anurak looked like some kind of guilt trip was going on inside his head. Songkarn wasn't about to indulge him in trying to figure out how to avoid talking about his past. It probably needed some otherworldly intervention to make Anurak act like he wasn't going insane with worry and the need to protect Songkarn from God knows what.
"Can we go back to Bangkok a bit earlier? I don't want to be here anymore and it will probably take a bit to get back there today because of the traffic." Songkarn had camouflaged the request pretty nicely. Especially sleepy Anurak wouldn't get it, he was sure of it.
But the sleepiness didn't last. Anurak had a way moving through the morning as Songkarn had never seen nor heard of. It was as if he had the energy of a 20y old and the maturity of a 70y old. Songkarn knew that it was a lot more but he also knew that he just had to put Anurak age thing into his own perspective. He wouldn't be able to understand it in any other way. That was for sure.
There is almost no one in this world, who could really see the universe in someone else's perspective. It simply isn't possible. Not that people don't try all the time. As a person who had a really hard childhood and had difficulty to live as he wanted, Songkarn found that no matter how much someone told him to look how hard life was for other people in the world, it never actually worked.
For instance, when his friends would whine about this or that, there would always be one idiot, who would say, look at how the kids in Africa are starving and how whining over small matters is nothing compared to that, or something similar. Songkarn always said that no one can ever watch farther away than their own problems. So this kind of worldview seemed really pointless to him.
Similarly, Anurak will never be able to completely understand the world through Songkarn's vision just like Songkarn will never truly understand what Anurak went through.
Songkarn decided to learn anything Anurak was willing to share or whatever he was letting slip by accident. When they were driving and Anurak had nowhere to run or to pretend sleeping or try any other evasive escape routes, Songkarn started his interrogation. "How old are you really?"
"Well, I could get a couple of years mixed up. I could make a fairly good guess that about 1026-27 years have passed from my birth. Though I have a lot of memories, even I can't remember every detail of my life from the 10th century Siam."
Was this hard for him to speak of?
What will talking about it cost him?
If Songkarn was right and he probably was, Anurak had not talked about these things to anyone.
"Do you remember anything about your first home? Your parents? What were they like?" Songkarn tried to keep the questions as easy as possible. It was hard to understand, where and which direction he should push the questioning.
"Well, I do remember them a bit, my parents. I was an arrogant kid. My father was selling slaves and earning big money with it. I can't even imagine that kind of life anymore, after living this long. At that time, there weren't many different ways to live. I just remember that my mom was weak and she died pretty early. It was really so long time ago that it's only a distant memory for me now. My father is surprisingly strong in my memory though. Maybe he really wasn't a bad father but I don't think he was a good person. It took some lifetimes but at some point, I understood how greedy and over-ambitious he was. Though I think he did love me. If one can call it to love when a father doesn't beat you up every other day and takes you with him to learn about the slave trade."
Songkarn watched him carefully. Not yet knowing, what to think about the information Anurak was with him. He would definitely think about all of this later. He waited a moment before asking another question.
"Can you tell me? How did it happen?" Songkarn was ready for an answer like, 'someone had bitten him' or 'somehow he woke up one morning and didn't age anymore.'
There really were too many options one could think of. These days the comics and the movies had given a chance to everything unexplained. Though he did remember what Anurak had said the day before, Songkarn was still not sure what to expect.
"I think there is almost no way to make you really understand what kind of experience it was. First, you can not imagine the time I lived in. It was quite difficult for everyone but I'm sure I had it rather easy for myself at that time frame. It sure came with enough karma to last thousands of lifetimes." Anurak audibly swallowed.
"You know that this is the worst possible way to talk about it. However good you think this thought was, it's actually pretty hard to talk about this kind of stuff behind a wheel. Also, because we are already almost at the hotel. Let's just go to my place and talk about it there."
Even though Songkarn wanted to protest, he held his tongue this time. He had quickly thought of counterattacking the reasons for not talking on the car ride but he was sure that if Anurak totaled the car then he would be totally fine. Songkarn himself probably would not be. So there, the logical thought stopped him from getting into a difficult argument, which he though being interested and curious as ever, will surely lose, on the grounds of not knowing all of the facts. Songkarn moved on to discover everything about Anurak's long life.
"When was the last time you dated somebody?" The question was sitting inside Songkarn's head. This disconcerting idea of Anurak dating all these women and men. How many could there be?
"You really can't wait until we get back? We're nearly there" Anurak smiled gently.
"Well, I guess you can imagine that there have been quite a few, women and men. You don't have to be worried about someone from the past, who could still have a claim on my heart or something like that. That has never happened. I believe it will never happen. I never thought of people as anything but a way to get physical satisfaction. I probably never will search a closer relationship or any as a matter of fact." It sounded final and in Songkarn mind, incredibly far from his own wishes. "Of course, there have been people, whose passing has been hard on me, who were close to me. Even I let one or another person closer than I intended to." One could imagine who Anurak meant right at that second.
Songkarn felt a little hurt. He had hoped that Anurak would feel something deeper towards him already. Would he really admit it if he did? Wouldn't he feel anything towards Songkarn? Was his way of imagining being attracted toward anyone on a totally different scale? Thanks to his multitude of years of getting new experiences in life, in love.
No.
Not in love.
What if he really had never been in love and didn't believe in its existence at all. Songkarn felt a moment of despair before he reminded himself that there was no point in being unhappy. If neither of them had any experience with being in love then they could find it together. Also, this should have meant that Songkarn had something he wasn't automatically less experienced than Anurak. This even made his mood good compared to before.
They arrived at the Shangri-La hotel. As they walked towards the elevators, the staff bowed to Anurak and also as an addition to Songkarn.
"When do they start realizing that there is something wrong with you?" Songkarn wondered aloud.
Anurak pressed his hand to the scanner and elevator started moving up to the highest floor automatically. He turned his head enough to look to Songkarn into the eyes. "I move away after a very short period of time. That's why I get to travel everywhere. Soon it's going to be over, my short time here." He didn't break eye contact with Songkarn.
"At first nobody really notices. If you got enough money and you don't stay somewhere too long of a time, nobody guesses much. Why I never see the point to get close to anyone, well that's one of the reasons. At first, everyone starts talking about how young I am for my age. Then there are questions and later suspicions. Because I don't interact with people that much and give out a cold aura, people tend to whisper by themselves. I can just get used to the rumors but I still prefer to not deal with them. I hate the long-winded speculations. However, cool you are, however strong your armor is, it can still hurt you. To have an easy escape plan or a starting space, I often take over companies, which I see potential in, or create a new one and just hide as a CEO for some time before I really get started and put down of leaving again. I never stay put. I always have those contingency plans in place before anything happens. Now, let's make some tea and sit down. Are you staying over tonight?"
Songkarn understood that he was gaping at Anurak. He had already left the elevator, but Songkarn still couldn't find his legs. He stumbled out just before the doors started to close. When he closed the front door behind him, Songkarn thought that there really wasn't anything to say. He was rather light headed after hearing this. How could he possibly understand the feelings and background of this kind of life? Where was the hope for them? Did he really understand any of, what Anurak had just talked about?
He sat down behind the kitchen island and tried to understand the different tea sorts Anurak was mixing into the tea infuser. How was he supposed to understand Anurak's past if he didn't even understand how he was making that tea?
"It's just some white and green tea mix with a bit of dried apple. I picked the blend up from somewhere in Europe. Don't worry. You'll like it with a bit of honey. Because you're a fan of the sweet stuff." Songkarn lifted his eyes to Anurak. He was smiling at him and maybe having a bit of fun on his account. But he also looked like he understood the turmoil going on inside Songkarn's soul. Songkarn decided to just get over his small confusion and smiled in response. They sat there, looking at their tea brewing. Anurak started talking.
"I think, I will not make it difficult for you. To describe you all about the slave trade and stuff... it would be really hard for me and also, it would be quite pointless. You couldn't imagine it, you shouldn't. I was living as my father was raising me, a vain, conceited, egocentric young man. I absolutely disagree with the thought that everything was my father's fault. Maybe if my mother had not died so early, I might have turned out different but as my life went, I can't exactly blame anyone. I had a clear picture of my life, how I should live it. Who I would be when I grow up. Though things didn't go exactly as I had been thinking, nor as my father had planned. I was too narcissistic to do as his vision anticipated. I rather enjoyed drinking and to bed women as often as I could. Not once did I think of a different kind of life for myself. Let's be honest. It wasn't a time, where one could exactly choose. Either you were a slave, a trader of some kind or a nobleman. This was the truth of that time."
Anurak obviously wasn't used telling this to anyone. He had said no one knew about this and would probably never know. So, it must be really tough to say it all out like this. With every second moving on with the story, he looked more grim and tired. Describing the past you didn't want to think about.
Even though he was curious, Songkarn's common sense told him that there should be a line drawn. He couldn't demand Anurak to tell him everything because he could never be sure how it really influenced him.
Before Songkarn could suggest taking a break, Anurak started talking again.
"I was totally comfortable within my young rich, spoiled kids image. I saw no flaw in my life. I was about 28 years old. I think it was somewhere at the end of the year, where my father was away for a short while and I had the responsibility to take care of the estate. Like I said before, I had a vain mind and was fonder of partying than doing what was expected of me. There was this portrait I had them paint of me, at that time. The same one you saw, as a child."
Anurak breathed in deeply and Songkarn knew this was the something he had been waiting for.
"Well, the painting came out beautiful. I placed it up on a display at the back porch, my vanity knew no end. Also, lots of slaves worked there or walked by often enough. I needed to flaunt it even to those whom I thought less worthy of me. Oh, it sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud. One night, when I was standing in front of that painting, admiring my 'beauty', this old woman came up to me. I knew she was a slave but for some reason, I was polite to her. Maybe subconsciously I guessed that there was something in the way she approached me. She wasn't afraid of me at all. She looked at the painting and asked me, ' Do you really like to live this luxurious life, only companions your inflated self-importance and the shallow people around you?' It's obvious to say the least, what was my reaction to her words. I barely even acknowledged her before saying that I had nothing to think about. Who would want to give up his wealth or his vanity? Such a thing was unheard of. After I dismissed her, she stared at me for a long time before finally saying that I will live forever. Like this, with everything I hold dear." Anurak stood in front of the window. Looking all noble and beautiful, but at the same time sad and forlorn.
Songkarn felt like his breath got stuck and the hitch brought Anurak's attention to him. Songkarn wasn't sure what kind of emotions his face was conveying at that exact time.
"I didn't think about her for months, not until the accident. Me and my father. We were riding on horseback through the high grass. Suddenly my father's horse spooked, starting galloping with a speed that threw my father from the saddle. He died instantly. Breaking his neck from the fall. My horse also got a scare. I was barely hanging on as she galloped away. Holding on was all I was able to do. I was scared to death. Finally, when she reached a cleft that was wide enough that she had to leap over it. I couldn't hold on anymore. At that moment before she pushed off to leap over it my arms and legs gave out. There had not been enough muscles to hold me to the horse anyway. Later I thought about it, it must have been the fear of death, rather than anything else. When I fell into that cleft in the ground, the pain was unimaginable. I lost consciousness. Without any idea, I spent long hours there before my consciousness found me again. You can't even imagine, how it felt. When one dies, the pain that is supposed to be felt goes away as you die. But for me, it never went away. It took forever. I had no idea how much time had passed by, but finally, I managed to set my right arm in a correct position. It had been broken in two places. I knew that there was no possible way to fix my leg. It was broken and looked really hideous, so I dared not touch it. I can try to describe it to you but I won't do that. It's a grotesque enough memory for me, you don't need that picture in your mind. The main point in telling you all of it is probably this. I can't die from that moment onward. It took me almost two days but I stood up from there and I walked home. Every sprain, every broken bone, every bruise was healed. After they all had called me a miracle for some time, I eventually started thinking. How had this happened to me? In the end, I remembered the old woman. I started looking for her. Among all of my slaves, she was nowhere to be seen. Nobody knew anything about her. She didn't exist. I could hardly believe it."
"One day I stepped into the gallery. Instantly, I saw my own portrait there. It felt somewhat different. I could hardly believe what I saw. The 'me' in the painting had all my injuries. Not that there was anything to see from under the clothes. The bloodstain on my sleeve, the way my neck was scarred and above one of the brow, I had a cut. Though I wanted to believe that it was all my imagination. Or maybe someone had tried to ruin the portrait. Still, I couldn't. I almost walked away from it, when 'it' talked to me. It was one of the most appalling things that have ever happened to me. I was scared out of my wits. On the portrait, I on that canvas opened its mouth and asked, "If you really want to live like an immortal then you need to take care of me."
"I didn't understand what the meaning of what I heard was. How could this even be possible? It dawned to me long years later, of my soul being connected to that painting. At that time I could only know a need to run, to avoid reality. Every time I got hurt, I saw it on the canvas. In one moment of madness, I stood in front of the portrait, and slit my own throat. I just saw the gaping wound on the canvas, but from my neck blood just kept flowing. I was in unimaginable pain and felt weak. Also, I felt pathetic before that guy, laughing at me from the canvas. I soon lost consciousness. The moment I woke up again, I discovered my neck intact, no scar in sight."
"I was so angry. Next time I was trying to burn it. My anger was the only result. I was truly utterly terrified as nothing happened to it and its only reaction was maddening laughter that drove me insane for days. After that, I just put a black cloth over it and almost never looked at it again."
Songkarn was watching Anurak say all this and all he saw was this perfectly healthy young man, sitting in front of him. To imagine all the injuries and horrible experiences he had to go through. It made Songkarn feel sorry for him because that was all he could do. Having no possibility to understand the vastness of what Anurak had gone through. He felt sick. Songkarn bolted to the bathroom. Anurak followed him and patted on his back gently as Songkarn threw up all he had in his stomach. If this story would have been in any way easier, he wouldn't probably get sick to his stomach. But who could really blame him? it was seriously the only logical way to react.
Just a few minutes later, Songkarn felt normal again. He went back to sit on the couch. Anurak followed him and brought a glass of water. Songkarn eyed him uncertainly until Henry continued speaking. This time, Songkarn could tell Henry was a lot more careful about how he described his memories. Probably a truly wise choice.
"In the 10th-century, people didn't live that long. It soon became apparent that I could not stay at the same place, where I had lived my whole life. I sold the estate. I had to take the painting with me. Even when it scared me, I was more afraid to spill my secret. Though, at first chance, I stashed it to a safe place. After which I started traveling. Living in places no longer than a couple of years at a time. Only now it's possible to stay in one place for longer periods of time. The average age has gone way up if you compare different time periods. It was really difficult but everything gets easier over time."
"I learned a couple of languages. I bought some land, sold it. Bought it again. Seemed like I had some instincts for business. Though I did manage to lose it a couple of times too. I had no choice but to do it again and again. There is a lot more I can tell you but maybe we should rest a bit. There is a lot of time to cover after all. I know you were overwhelmed ages ago. Even I feel weird. Talking about all this for the first time. Living it all again like this."
Songkarn watched out of the window. It was still light outside even though it felt as if they had talked the whole day. He felt the need to rest for a while. Yes, resting seemed like the wisest course of action.
"I think I will lie down for a bit. It truly is a lot to take in."
Anurak stood and came to stand beside him. "Let me help you with the spare bedroom."
Songkarn suddenly felt his legs giving away again. He was so overwhelmed with a load of information and the pictures his mind created from Anurak's words. Songkarn didn't even realize when his own body pressed stop and decided it needed to rest. Looked like his body wasn't willing to wait for him to get closer to the bed. Yeah, walking definitely wasn't an option. That was the last conscious thought Songkarn processed. Right before Anurak caught him against his chest. Neither did he witness the sad expression on Anurak's face that showed the remorse and regret nor the small glint of gladness in his eyes.
Anurak carried him to the bed and tucked Songkarn under the covers. It wasn't something Songkarn ever could have anything against. Settling into the chair beside the bed, guarding Songkarn's sleep. Though he couldn't sleep himself. Thinking back of what he had said and left unsaid. New worries crept in his already burdened mind.