Chapter 8
I don't know if I should be thankful or what, but Navee seems true to her words this time. Neither, I. Navee managed to cover the scratches in her body due to that hair-pulling fight with Ashiana, and since she's Papa's favorite, it's easy for her to reason out which Papa undoubtedly accepted.
This week feels like hell to me as I prepare to review for the upcoming final exams. The teachers gave us some pointers, but I'm already used for the fact that most of our exam items are identification. Of course, I've burned the midnight oil to study. As the exam day came, my knees trembles like any moment I'll lose my balance. Maging si Leigh ay namumutla rin. We all know that we studied hard, it's just that, exams can be surprising often times.
As we enter the room, all of our bags are in front, we're left with our clean paper, pens, and correction tapes. Then our teacher— which is also our examiner, starts giving the questionnaire. With that, as if an obvious cue, the exam started and once found out cheating, your exam paper will be doomed.
"Nakakaloka! Parang sasabog ang utak ko sa dami ng iso-solve!" Pagrereklamo ni Leigh habang pumipila kami sa cafeteria.
This is the last day of our exam. I silently agree with Leigh, and now she's starting to rant about the exams on other subject. Nandiyan lang ako sa tabi niya na nakikinig. Naki-share kami sa ibang estudyante na kumakain sa long table.
Fortunately, our table is across where Owen and his friends are. Minute by minute, he'll glance to my direction and smile sweetly. I blushed and continued eating my food, and when he stared texting me, I couldn't take my eyes off the phone.
"Nach, tara na, may next exam pa." Ani Leigh at kinuha ang tray na pinaglagyan ng pagkain para ibalik sa counter.
We continue our day and review our notes for ten minutes before the last two exams starts in jiff. After the exam, I immediately head home to rest since I've been depriving myself of sleep lately. Pagdating ko ng bahay ay walang tao at naisipan kong kumain muna bago umakyat ng kwarto. I took a bath, and done what I wanted.
I got stirred from sleep and as I glanced at clock on my bedside table, it's already six in the evening. No wonder, my surrounding was slightly dark as well as the outside. I climbed off my bed and fixed myself before stepping outside my room. It was also a timing since our housemaid was about to knock.
"Ano po 'yon?" Mahinahon kong tanong.
"Ma'am Nachi, pinapatawag po kayo ng Papa niyo sa library."
Napatango ako, "Sige po, pupunta na ako roon."
My knees tremble in an instant, my deep yet suppressed breath can be heard. I'm damn nervous of what I'm about to witness in the library, is it okay to feel this scared?
I entered the library. Akala ko kung may pasa or sakit ng loob na naman akong mararamdaman kapag lumabas ako rito, pero gulantang ako sa sunod na itinanong ni Papa.
"Did you ace the exam, right?"
I took a deep breath, "I don't know since the results for the exam isn't disclose yet, Papa. But I assure you that I've done my best to answer each exam's item, and I'm confident of it."
Papa only nodded, but the intimidating vibe was still there. In front of Papa, there's a pile of papeworks, which I'm sure are affiliated with our business.
"I'm going to have a business trip in Vancouver and my flight is tomorrow. Inform your mother about it, but you'll be the one to send me off tomorrow."
"Okay, Papa." I only said because I know I couldn't decline. In fact, it's a statement, not a question. So whether I want it or not, I'll be the one sending Papa off tomorrow.
And that's what happened. I had to wake up early since Papa doesn't like waiting. I'm wearing a matching light brown trouser and coat, a white button up, and finish it of with white shoes. This is a kind of clothes I usually wear when I'm with Papa. Paminsan-minsan niya na akong sinasama kapag may dinner or lunch meeting siya. Of course, I have to act prim and demure around with Papa's co-partners or some big-time investors.
I sat in the passenger seat and Papa's in the back. While we're on our way to the airport, from time to time, Papa is receiving some calls from his so called kumpares. I wouldn't dare eavesdrop with their conversation as I was taught back when I was a child to respect someone's privacy.
"I'll be gone for nearly a week," Papa strictly informed me and I only nodded. He then handed me ten blue paper bills that almost made my jaw drop. "Buy Navee something sweet with that, since she seems down these days. I'm going now, and take the driver wherever you go."
I was about to say something but Papa already turned his back. Nanatili akong nakatayo dito sa waiting area hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang mawala sa paningin ko. I stared at the money I'm holding, I honestly don't know what to buy for Navee. I'm not certain if she still like strawberry shortcake and mint chocolate chips, but aside from that, I couldn't think of anything that she may like.
I puffed a loud breath before walking my way outside the airport. I instructed our driver about a certain place— which is also a place where I often buy my cravings for pastry and delicacies.
Pagdating ko sa bahay ay pinalagay ko muna sa fridge ang pinamili ko at umakyat para pumunta kay Navee. What's good thing about Papa is that, he's really observant. Papa really cares for Navee, and I guess for now, that's enough to console with my feelings.
"Hey..." Pagtawag ko sa atensiyon niya. "May strawberry shortcake at mint chocolate chips sa baba, if you feel like eating, that's yours."
Matama akong tinignan ni Navee at kalaunan ay tumango. I can sense that she's not okay but knowing her, she won't tell a bit to me and I won't force her. I gave her a small smile before finally closing her door.
Days without Papa feels like I'm a bird who's finally out of the cage. Wala na rin kaming gaanong pasok dahil papalapit na ang graduation, kaya kapag pinapayagan kami ng school guard na makalabas, pumunta kami ni Leigh sa mga café na dati na naming gustong puntahan. Owen and I dated few times, either in the mall or in the park, but it's just that, I couldn't stop my doubt towards him.
Leigh said she ratted Amanda out, and some of Amanda's friends told her that Amanda and Owen are dating for few months now. Amanda's studying on different school so it could be possible.
"I added that guy I saw in picture with Ate Mavis, but damn! It's been two months and fifteen days already, yet my friend request was still not accepted!" Leigh sounded frustrated and sipped from her milktea.
Nabigla ako sa sinabi niya pero hindi ko iyon ipinahalata. I stared at Leigh. Maybe she found out Clajj's name through stalking Ate Mavis' account?
Speaking of Clajj... I wonder how is he?
I cleared my throat after sipping my fruit tea. "You're still not giving up on him, are you?"
Leigh shook her head, "Masyado siyang gwapo para sukuan. So, no."
"Marami pa namang iba diyan kung gwapo lang rin pala ang hanap mo." I offered but she just shook her again and looked at me suspiciously.
"Don't tell me you also have eyes for him?" Leigh's brows furrowed.
"No, not at all." I denied.
Honestly speaking, I wasn't actually excited and curious about senior high school strands, but seeing my classmates' excitement while trying to decide whether which track they'll pursue, makes me feel the same emotion too.
That night, I was taken off guard when Mama discussed with me about it. I truly said what I wanted and the course I'll pursue in college. Mama's listening the whole time with a smile on her face.
But... when Papa returned, the strand I wanted to choose is at stake. I sighed, because I know any minute, a part of my life will change.
"No. You're taking the Accountancy and Business Management strand!" With authoritative voice, Papa said those words.
"Isael, hayaan mo na ang anak mo sa strand na gusto niyang kunin. We shouldn't force her to choose the path she don't want to take!" Mama opposed.
We've been arguing since earlier here the library. I wanted to choose STEM but Papa's forcing me to take ABM. A week from now is our graduation day, so maybe that's the reason why they want to settle this matter as possible. Natahimik si Mama at walang nagawa kundi ang maupo nang tingnan siya ng matalim ni Papa
"Papa, let Nachi be." Ate Mavis calmly said. She's sitting on a one-seated sofa. Nakatayo ako sa gild ng inuupuan niya at gumaan ang pakiramdam ko nang hinawakan ni Ate Mavis ang kamay ko.
"You know I can't tolerate that Estella! Ayokong magkaroon ng kahihiyan, and letting Sienna do what she want means that. You shouldn't risked on something when you clearly won't gain in return. Sienna will take ABM, and in college she'll pursue a business course in Rio de Janiero. That's final," Papa said strictly with full authority.
My jaw dropped after hearing Papa's decision. My inner self screams inequality but the more I oppose, the more unacceptable Papa's decision will be. In all places, why do it have to be Rio de Janiero?
"Papa, please? Payag ako gusto mong ipapakuha sa akin, pero huwag niyo naman po akong ilayo kay Mama at sa inyo," halos lumuhod na ako sa pagmamakaawa.
Papa looked at me sharply, "Are you questioning my decisions, Sienna?"
I shook my head and sighed deeply. "Papa, please. You didn't even ask me what I want. I let you decide for me because I know it's for the better, but Papa, don't you think it's not right that you're the one deciding and manipulating my future?"
My father slap me really hard that I could feel the searing pain on my cheek and tears starts escaping from my eyes. I hate this. I hate how my freedom in things were taken from me. All I have to do is to follow everything because I'm not able to provide myself to live on my own. I hate my father for being inconsiderate and numb, and I hate myself even more for not fighting what I have to fight for.
"Ako ang nagpapaaral sa'yo kaya huwag kang bastos! I'm not manipulating you, thus I'm molding you how to become successful one. I'm not raising you to depend everything on us, and I don't have a child which is good for nothing! You will study in Rio de Janiero, whether you like it or not." Papa firmly said and walked towards the library's door but before he finally exited, he glanced at me with dark expression. "If you're insisting to pursue STEM, then take the course Political Science in college, and send yourself to law school."
Napasalampak ako sa sahig at patuloy sa pag-iyak. Lumuhod sina Mama at Ate Mavis para yakapin ako. I feel like my chest tigthen in pain.
"Mama, Ate Mavis..." I called their names almost pleading.
"Nachi, sorry..." Ate Mavis lowly said. I know she can't do anything about it.
I badly wanted to be an architect. Damn, that's my dream since I was a child! I want to study in a prestigious school. I just don't want to study there.
"It's alright anak, baka magbago pa ang isip ng Papa mo." Hinalikan ako ni Mama sa noo at marahang hinaplos ang pisngi ko. "Kung hindi man, ako ang sasama sa'yo sa pag-enroll doon sa paaralan sa Rio de Janiero. I'll stay with you for the first three months, is that okay to you, baby?"
I smiled weakly, "Mama, ayoko lang naman pong mahiwalay sa inyo. Hindi po ako sanay at hinding-hindi masasanay."
I'm deeply attached to Mama. She's always there, either defend or comfort me. Halos tuwing gabi lang kaming nagsasama dahil may inaasikaso rin siyang negosyo at tumutulong kay Papa sa kompanya. Mama and Ate Mavis consoled me for about an hour before they finally accompany me to my room.
And there in my room, I sat on the corner where my things were. Instead of lying in the bed, crying because of the decision which is unfavorable on my side, I spend my night painting as I let my emotions rule me and it lead to an outcome that made me satisfied.
I painted a naked woman who's sitting on the floor, with unkempt hair, and crying blood instead of tears. The emotion I instilled were disappointment and exhaustion. I used my own blood to sign my name in the corner of the artwork instead of using white acrylic paint.
"Invalidated," I murmur while looking at my craft. It unconsciously slips from my mouth, nevertheless, a perfect title.
The next day came and I went to school late. Hindi naman ako mabibigyan ng demerit dahil practice sa graduation nalang naman ang pinunta ko rito. Rinig na rinig ko mula palang dito sa labas ang mga usapan ng mga kaklase ko kung saan sila mag-aaral at kung kung anong strand na ang kukunin nila sa senior high.
Pagpasok ko ay agad akong dumiretso sa assigned seat at sumubsob sa desk. I tried closing my eyes, therefore I could avoid them with those questions. I don't want to talk about it for now. I'm still hoping that Papa would change his mind despite of the small probability.
Leigh has set her plans already. As expected, she'll study in a prestigious school and pursue ABM since she's one of those who'll inherit their company. Her family manufacture wines and other alcoholic beverages.
Napamulat ako nang maramdamang may marahan na tumapik sa akin. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakita ko si Owen na uupo palang sa upuan niya.
"Did you sleep late last night?" He softly asked.
I grinned. "I always sleep late every night."
"Okay ka lang ba? If you're feeling something, tell me, I can accompany you to the infirmary."
"Uh, ayos lang ako." Paninigurado ko sa kaniya.
How I wish what I feel right now could heal through medicine and such... but no to avail. I smiled bitterly at the thought.
Good thing Owen didn't ask anything related to senior high. But I already know what he'll take, and I feel envious of him. Tito Vaughn wasn't strict with Owen, and all of his caprices were given right away.
During the practice for the graduation day, Leigh came beside me then hitted a conversation about the guy she accidentally encountered in BGC. Then the topic switched fast.
"Nach, saan ka mag-aaral next school year? I hope we're going to study in the same school and we'll share a condo!" I could feel that Leigh's every word is genuine. She's really looking up on us, about doing our goals.
I shrugged and averted my eyes to other direction. "Hindi ko pa alam, Leigh e. I don't even know what strand to pursue. So to put the long story short, I'm undecided as fuck."
I don't know how that lie came out so natural from my mouth. Is this the symptom of too much faking oneself?
"Oh what a bummer. Ganiyan ba talaga kapag matalino? Matagal magdesisyon sa isang bagay? Anyways take your time to decide, two months is long enough time."
Leigh patted my shoulder before returning to her line since the teacher calls for practice again. I actually don't know how to carry this guilt. Leigh and Owen is expecting me to be with them... yet I know I couldn't.
Our graduation day came. Out of fifty-five students in our section, eight got the highest honor — and I'm included. I feel euphoric because I proved something... I dared myself. This is the fruit of my hardwork, efforts, and sacrifices. I can say that I deserve what I have received.
Si Mama ang umakyat para sabitan ako ng medal at ribbon, at bigyan ng Certificate of Recognition. Nakiusap ako sa kaklase kong photographer na kuhaan kami ng litrato mula sa pagsabit ni Mama sa akin hanggang sa pareho na kaming nakaharap na nakangiti.
Nang inanunsiyo ang mga magmo-moving up sa lower grades, si Mama rin ang umakyat para kay Navee. Papa couldn't come for her since he has meetings and all.
"Anak, mauna ka na lang mamaya roon sa restaurant na pina-reserved ko na ha? May tawag kasi ako mula sa office at kailangan kong asikasuhin iyon. Don't worry I'll be right on time," ani Mama nang makalabas kami mula sa auditorium kung saan idinaos ang graduation.
I smiled at my mother, "Wala pong problema, Mama. I'll willingly wait for you."
Hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin sa mga estudyanteng nagtatawanan kasama ang magulang nila. They look so happy and contented... indeed, a nice view. Why does things changes so fast around me?
"Mama, bakit po ganito ang pakikitungo ni Papa sa akin? May nagawa po ba akong mali na hindi ko alam, Mama? Is there anything I can do in order to get things back how it used to be?"
Hindi nakatakas ang pait at pangungulila sa boses ko. I really miss Papa and his warmth everytime he hugs me. I'm longing for those memories... when I laugh with him, and his proud and genuine smile everytime I show him my achievements. I really miss everything.
"Sorry, if I couldn't do anything, baby. When time comes, maybe you'll understand. Please don't feel enrage to your Papa. I may not ease the pain you're feeling right now, but someday, you'll know all the sacrifices I did for you," Mama said and kissed the top of my head.
Tuluyang umalis si Mama sa paaralan namin. Leigh wanted to celebrate, and by chance, we met Owen and his parents in the corridor. Nagkayayaan kaya wala kaming nagawa ni Leigh kung hindi ang sumama sa kanila.
We dine in an expensive restaurant. Owen's mother keep on having a conversation with me, it's okay honestly, but I'm not in the mood and kind of uncomfortable as of the moment. Owen's showy with our relationship in front of his parents that Leigh texted me she might vomit as she found it too cringe.
After we finished our food, Leigh and I bid our goodbyes to Owen and his parents. Leigh has something to do, and I have plans for later. Owen walked towards me for a hug before finally letting me go.
Nagkahiwalay kami ni Leigh dahil didiretso na siya sa pupuntahan niya habang ako naman ay uuwi ng bahay. I've received the photos that my classmates took earlier via Gmail, and I posted some of it on my social media accounts.
As the clock strikes at seven, I'm already on my way to the said restaurant where I'll spend my night with Mama and Ate Mavis. I wore a black mesh top in elbow bishop sleeves, brown square pants, and white sneakers.
Alas otso ang napagkasunduang oras. I'm forty‐five minutes earlier. I entered the restaurant and the waiter ushered me to the reserved table. I made myself comfortable as I sat on the chair, and the waiter poured me a glass of water.
I waited patiently for Mama and Ate Mavis, since they allotted their time for me to make this night happen. I was browsing continuously on social media when my glass accidentally fell to the floor and it scattered into pieces. Napasinghap ako, at buti nalang dahil agad akong dinaluhan ng waiter para linisin ang mga piraso ng baso na nagkalat sa sahig.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to." I sincerely told the waiter.
"It's alright ma'am, accident like this usually happens here in the restaurant. It's inevitable." The waiter lowly said then flashed a smal smile.
I shook my head. "No, I'll pay for the glass I broke."
Tumango lang ang waiter at nagpaalam. The moment I was left alone, nervousness started creeping my system. There's some superstitious belief that once something fragile has broken accidentally, something bad may happen.
I shrugged off those negative thoughts, and waited for them even-mindedly. I glanced at my wristwatch and saw that it's already eight fifteen. Maybe they got into traffic or maybe their work weren't done yet.
Hindi ko natiis ang gutom kaya nag-order ako ng light dinner. Natapos na ako sa pagkain at lahat lahat pero hindi parin sila dumadating. I'm starting to get worried, maybe they forgetten our dinner date?
I opted to wait for more couple of minutes. Pinisil‐pisil ko ang kamay at nagsimula na akong pawisan. I tried calling Mama since earlier yet cannot be reached.
I stood up and about to head towards the comfort room when my phone rang. I immediately answered it as I saw Ate Mavis' name flashed on my screen.
"Hello, Ate?"
Imbis na makatanggap ng tugon, hikbi ang narinig ko sa kabilang linya..
"Ate Mavis, why are you crying?" I worriedly asked since how she's crying makes me nervous and scared at the same time.
"Sienna... I'm s-sorry," Ate Mavis' voice cracked.
"Nah, it's okay, Ate. I know you're busy with work and I understand why you can't come." I made my voice lively but deep in side I'm a little disappointed.
"It's not about that, Nach. Believe me, I was about to go to the restaurant—" Hindi natuloy ni Ate ang sasabihin dahil napahagulgol siya. I don't know what going on, and why she's crying like this. "Nach, I don't know how to say this... but Mama. Mama— she passed away."
In an instant, my body went numb, and I feel like going deaf. Tears pooling down, and I found myself fell to floor. No words slips from my mouth... and with aching heart, I cry out loud.
Parang biglang dumilim ang mundo ko. Halos hindi ako makahinga ng maayos dahil sa sobrang pag-iyak. Then I heard Ate Mavis on the line again, "I'll text you the hospital's name... please be here as soon as you possibly can."
Kahit na nanghihina ay tumayo ako. I paid for my food as well as the glass I broke. I immediately booked a cab and impatiently waiting for it to arrived.
Nang makarating ang cab ay nagmadali akong pumasok at sinabi ang pangalan ng hospital. The moment I step out of the cab, I mindlessly barge in the hospital just to get to them fast.
Nanginginig ang tuhod ko nang makita sila Ate Mavis at Navee na humahagulgol. My body totally gave up when my eyes laid at my mother... who's lying on the hospital bed soaked in blood. Ang mga doctor at nurse ay nasa tabi. Their faces says it all... feeling lose and hopeless.
Tumakbo ako para yakapin si Mama. I cried and cried... and kept of muttering her name and promises. Nawalan na ako ng pakialam kung lahat ay napapatingin sa akin. I just lost my mother, what do they expect me to react?
"Maiiwan na po muna namin kayo," ani ng isa sa mga doctor. "Ms. Mavis Gallegos, please tell your father to be her as soon as possible."
After that, they announced their leave, and when three of us were left here, I got caught off guard when Navee attacked me.
"This is all your damn fault, Ate!" She screamed in my face. Anger reflectes on her eyes, "This is all your fault, why Mama's dead now. If it wasn't for you, this will never happen, and Mama should still be breathing right now!"
Mariin niyang sinundot ang kaliwang balikat ko. "Sana ikaw nalang, hindi si Mama. Sana ikaw nalang!"
I couldn't react. It's like her words deeply penetrated my mind. I closed my eyes and wholly accepted Navee's blame. My tears kept on escaping, my heart clenched, and body's exhausted.
"Shut the damn up, Navee! Your Ate Sienna's isn't at fault, so stop blaming her for all of this! What happened was an accident, and we're all shock to Mama's death! So please, do we need to fight about this?" Ate Mavis frustratedly said.
Navee stared at me darkly, "She's partly at fault, Ate Mavis! May pa-dinner dinner ka pa kasing nalalaman!"
"Navee, I said stop it! Makakatikim ka na talaga!"
Natahimik si Navee sa banta ni Ate. Umupo siya sa pinakagilid ng bench at doon ibinuhos ang nararamdaman. She's wearing semi-casual dress, I guess she's from a party or similar to that. Ate Mavis' still in her office attire.
Parehong namumugto ang mata naming tatlo. Hindi ko matanggap na wala na talaga si Mama kaya tumungo ako sa rooftop ng hospital para huminga.
The howling winds embraced me. It's a cold and windy night... I feel alone. This will be the reality I'll be facing. Mama's gone and what am I supposed to do?
She's the only person who truly understands, genuine care, and shows me sincere affection. Mama's the one I treasure the most, and I feel like I was back to being dull. Mama's my everything, and now that she's gone... I feel like my worth is slowly fading.
Hindi ko naman alam na kanina sa graduation day ko, iyon na pala ang huling beses na mararamdaman ko ang init ng yakap ni Mama, at huling pagkakataon na mararamdaman ko ang halik niya sa pisngi ko.
This is infliction of intense pain. It's unbearable.
Napalingon ako nang bumukas ang pinto ng rooftop. Ate Mavis looked at me softly, then she hugged me tightly. Another series of tears escaped my eyes again.
"I'm sorry, Nach. I couldn't make it to the restaurant... and Mama didn't make it." She wiped the tears in her eyes. "Mama's dead on arrival. The doctors tried saving her but no to avail. Her head is badly injured. Sabi ng mga pulis, mabilis daw ang pagpapatakbo ni Mama at nawalan ng preno ang sinasakyang kotse. Malakas na bumangga ang kotse sa malaking puno. Unfortunately, Mama didn't wear her seatbelt that time. Nabasag ang windshield at tumilapon siya."
I shook my head, not wanting to accept what Ate Mavis said. Hindi ugaling magmaneho ni Mama na walang seatbelt! Hindi naman kita minamadali, Mama. I was waiting for you patiently!
Nanatili kami ni Ate Mavis sa rooftop ng ilang minuto, nang bigla kong naisip si Papa. "Where's Papa?"
"Papa's on his way here, Nach. May tinapos lang siyang meeting." Ani Ate Mavis at kumawala na sa yakap.
I can't believe it! Mama's dead yet Papa's prioritizing his meeting? How can Papa be this inconsiderate? Work before family, is that it?
Alam ko namang hindi na maganda ang pakikitungo nila sa isa't isa, pero asawa niya parin si Mama. Papa should prioritize his wife first!
"I should go back, Nach. Baka naroon na si Papa, at may pag-uusapan pa kami." Ani Ate Mavis. She gently tapped my shoulder before leaving me alone in the rooftop.
I sighed and my eyes laid on the overlooking city lights. If in different situation, I would be impressed and gape in amazement... but seeing the darkness dominated the whole surrounding, with no moon nor stars above, and only the city lights can be seen from here... it made me feel lost and hopeless.
Like I would be in trouble finding for happiness again... that's understandable since Mama made feel that emotion the most.
A I R P O R T E N I