"Lisa."
"Yes, unnie?"
"Big day tomorrow. Are you excited?"
I looked at my shaking hands and heard my heart beating loudly. I exhaled to remove some nerves and I weakly smiled at her, "Unnie, do you think I'll do good?"
She sat down next to me on the trailer van's stairs and tapped my back before gazing at the sunset. "You will, Lisa. Why? Don't you believe in yourself?"
I shook my head and watched the sky turn orange. My gaze followed the birds flying above.
How does freedom feels like, little birds?
"It's not that, unnie..."
"Then what is it, Lisa?"
I closed my eyes and released a deep breath, "Why does it feel so wrong to be here, unnie?"
I saw from my peripheral vision that she suddenly glanced at me and gulped. "What do you mean by that?"
"How can I have this privilege of flying to L.A and film in a desert, when I didn't even see Chaeyoung pack her bags to be sent to a different country?"
I didn't know if it was because of the humid weather but she's sweating so much right now. I can see droplets of sweat rolling down her neck and forehead.
"Lisa..."
"Did she really have her solo, unnie? Did she already film her music video?"
"When? Where? Why didn't we know about it?" I asked her breathless as my heart felt like it's sinking as more questions flood my mind. I felt my tears form and the lump on my throat was too painful to swallow.
Did she really have her solo?
Chaeng, what happened? Please, help me understand...
"Did she, unnie?"
"I don't know, Lisa..." her voice was shaking when she turned to me. Her eyes pleading...
"Unnie, what happened to Solosé? Please don't tell me..." my voice croaked.
No... it can't be... Chaeng wouldn't do that, right?
She wouldn't, right? Not for me?
I closed my eyes once again when a flashback flashed in my mind.
******
"What makes you happy, Lisa?"
"My family. Performing? Singing. You guys. Blinks."
"Then why did you wish for that? Aren't you happy?"
"I am, I guess. But I become alive when I'm performing and interacting with blinks. We all do but this long hiatus isn't really doing that."
"Oh."
"But I'm glad you're going to be busy soon, Chaeng! You'll have your solo now. What do they call it again?"
She was blushing as she averted her gaze from me. "Solosé."
"Say it louder, Chaeng."
"Solosé!"
I grinned, then gave her a pat on the back. "That's the spirit, Chipmunk! You're going to be a solo artist now."
"Thank you, Lisa."
"No problem, Chaengyoung-ah. You deserve it."
*****
No... it can't be...
I turned to manager unnie and took her hand. I gripped it tightly, sending her the message that I want her honesty.
"Unnie- Unnie! Please tell me that what I think is wrong. Please. Please! Not Rosé's--"
I couldn't even finish the sentence when I broke down infront of her. My tears were flowing while I'm gasping for air.
No. Please, no. My chipmunk's happiness...
God, if you're listening, please tell me the truth.
I sobbed and whimpered as her silence intensified. "Unnie, please. Don't lie to me... Tell me. Please..."
The look on her eyes screams one thing and my heart broke upon seeing it. Pity. She pities me.
It can't be...
She sighed then she clasped my hands gently, "She-- No... what you think is wrong."
I gulped, feeling some kind of relief but there's still a lot going on in my mind. "Then why?"
She released my hands and searched for something in her pocket. When she found what she was looking for, she handed it to me and gave me a small smile. "Talk to her. She'll explain it to you."
I shakingly reached for her phone and looked through her contacts. Once I saw Chaeng's name, I swiped it to the left. My heart grew anxious every second that she was not picking up. Every ring that passed brought dread to me. That can't be..
I was still sobbing when she picked it up.
"Hello?" I heard her munching something on the other end. Probably a green pepper from the crunch of it.
"Hello, unnie?"
"Chipmunk?" I sobbed.
"Lisa?" she asked breathlessly.
I smiled as tears flowed once again. I wiped them away. "Cheong-ah, I miss you..."
She gasped on the other line and became quiet. I thought the line got disconnected but I heard her quiet sobs.
"Chong-ah! Why are you crying?"
"Lisa? Is it really you?"
"Yeah." I saw manager signalling me to hurry up and stop beating around the bush. I sighed.
When will these restraints free me?
"Chaeng, I have a question..."
"Are you okay, Lisa?" I heard the worry in her voice and I imagine her, probably in the kitchen, munching a green pepper while her forehead's creased and her cheeks puffed. I miss you...
"What happened to Solosé?"
She didn't speak but I heard her breath catch in her throat. Is that a bad sign?
"Chaeng, did you give up your solo for me?"
"Lis... I-"
I sobbed once again. Why can't they just answer me straightforwardly?
"You didn't, right?"
When she didn't answer, I felt all the emotions rushed to me and I clenched my jaw.
"ANSWER ME!"
"No, Lisa. I didn't."
"Then why am I here now and not you?"
She cleared her throat. I couldn't even distinguish that she was crying a while ago. Her voice now firm and stern.
"Lisa, trust me when I say it's for your benefit, okay?"
"Why am I here, Chaeng? What's happening? When will you have your solo?"
"The plan will follow through, Lisa. My solo before yours. CEO just advanced yours..." her voice suddenly turned small until I couldn't hear her anymore. She left it at that. Left me hanging for more explanations but she didn't give me any.
"What?! Why?"
"Lisa, trust me. Okay? Have fun and do your best there, okay? I'll always always support you."
"Chaeng, why? What's happening?"
I heard her chuckle and her sobs were almost gone. "Pabo! None. Congratulations, Lisa. I'm happy for you!"
However her sniff told me otherwise.
"Chaeng... please don't lie to me. You know I hate liars, right?"
And yet, you became one. The irony of life, Lisa Manoban.
"I'm not, Lisa. Trust me on this one."
"I'm sorry..." was all I could say.
I'm sorry for everything. You're the one who's supposed to be here, about to film your music video tomorrow...
I'm sorry for stealing your happiness, Chaeng.
I don't deserve this.
I didn't realize that I mumbled the last thought I had. "Lisa, you deserve that. Don't doubt yourself, please."
"Chaeng..."
"Fighting, Lisa. Keep your heart strong. Make me proud. I miss you. I'll hang up now, okay?"
No. Please. Not yet.
"Chaeng... don't..."
"Your happiness comes first, Lis-"
The call ended and I couldn't do anything but to stare at the now blank screen.
I turned to look at manager. Her emotion now blank. "What's happening, unnie?"
"Trust her, Lisa. Just trust what Rosé told you."
Could I really trust her now?
What does my happiness comes first mean? What's happening?
But no matter what happens, the plan of YG will continue. Chaeng's solo before mine.
Her happiness before mine. Their happiness before me.
She didn't give up her solo for me. I let out a sigh of relief. She didn't. Thank gods.
I'll make you proud, Rosie. I'll do my best. Please do your best, as well.
I'm sorry...
And my heart is strong as it'll ever be.
I may be restrained but I'm happy.
What could possibly hurt me now?
Nothing.